my hubby is in rehab....help!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: the Windy City
Posts: 1
my hubby is in rehab....help!
I am new to this forum and am already so thankful for the encouragement, experience, wisdom and support I have seen in these posts.
I married a wonderful man two years ago. Before things got serious, he told me he was in recovery. He went to AA regularly and had a wonderful community of friends and supporters. I respected him for his commitment to get well and stay sober. We had a very close relationship, he's someone I trusted with my life. I never knew him when he was using so that was a side I had never seen.
Fast forward to three weeks ago. He got laid off from a very good job, a job that he'd put his heart and soul into. Suddenly, I saw him tailspin downward. Fast. Before I knew it, $4,000 had disappeared from our bank account. Drugs, drugs, drugs. I insisted he go to rehab. Admittedly, for selfish reasons - I was terrified to be at work knowing he was home alone, I was scared of what he would do to himself, etc. He told me his life had become unmanageable and that he needed help. This is his 14th night in rehab. In the 14 nights I've been living alone, I've talked more with friends and family members to learn that he's had a long history of drug/alcohol abuse and many relationships have suffered because of it.
I've been able to talk to him here and there on the phone and we've seen each other on the weekends. He's terrified. He's sad. He's scared. From what I can tell, and in speaking with his counselors, he's committed to being in rehab and wants to get help. I think he's in the best place to do so and support him 100%.
I am terrified. Sad. Scared. I keep seeing the future flashing before my eyes. I keep recalling in my head what I have heard from his family/friends who have seen him go through this before. I've gone to Alanon before and am trying to find people who can relate, who can help, who can shed their insight. There are times when I want to run. There are times when I think running is a cop out. I am torn between whether I should stay with a man who I love and try to work on the trust, get the hope back, etc. or whether I should walk away from this now...before we have children and before things get worse. I've worked hard to achieve goals personally and professionally and I want to strive to achieve more. I feel selfish. I feel like a terrible wife. I want to support him, but don't know that I can.
I wish I had a crystal ball.
Thank you for reading....
I married a wonderful man two years ago. Before things got serious, he told me he was in recovery. He went to AA regularly and had a wonderful community of friends and supporters. I respected him for his commitment to get well and stay sober. We had a very close relationship, he's someone I trusted with my life. I never knew him when he was using so that was a side I had never seen.
Fast forward to three weeks ago. He got laid off from a very good job, a job that he'd put his heart and soul into. Suddenly, I saw him tailspin downward. Fast. Before I knew it, $4,000 had disappeared from our bank account. Drugs, drugs, drugs. I insisted he go to rehab. Admittedly, for selfish reasons - I was terrified to be at work knowing he was home alone, I was scared of what he would do to himself, etc. He told me his life had become unmanageable and that he needed help. This is his 14th night in rehab. In the 14 nights I've been living alone, I've talked more with friends and family members to learn that he's had a long history of drug/alcohol abuse and many relationships have suffered because of it.
I've been able to talk to him here and there on the phone and we've seen each other on the weekends. He's terrified. He's sad. He's scared. From what I can tell, and in speaking with his counselors, he's committed to being in rehab and wants to get help. I think he's in the best place to do so and support him 100%.
I am terrified. Sad. Scared. I keep seeing the future flashing before my eyes. I keep recalling in my head what I have heard from his family/friends who have seen him go through this before. I've gone to Alanon before and am trying to find people who can relate, who can help, who can shed their insight. There are times when I want to run. There are times when I think running is a cop out. I am torn between whether I should stay with a man who I love and try to work on the trust, get the hope back, etc. or whether I should walk away from this now...before we have children and before things get worse. I've worked hard to achieve goals personally and professionally and I want to strive to achieve more. I feel selfish. I feel like a terrible wife. I want to support him, but don't know that I can.
I wish I had a crystal ball.
Thank you for reading....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Thank you for your honest introduction and welcome to you, Pepper.
May I ask, how long was he clean and in 12 step recovery before his relapse?
Your post hit home with me. I too fell deeply in love with a recovering drug addict and he too spiraled down. I have not heard from him for 2 1/2 years. And every day I ask myself, if he came back today, in spite of all my hoping he would come back, do I really believe in recovery? He had ten years clean and a very strong program and full custody of his children. He worked hard, very hard, in every area of his life. And I admired him, as you admired your man.
Yet he cut me off, completely caught me off guard when he bolted from my life and refused to communicate with me in any way. He had all the signs of an impending relapse...like yours, he had the severe job stress, alimony issues, single father issues.....many triggers. And he works in a field in which drugs are easily at hand.
I loved him and would have been a partner with him in mutual recovery, would have walked the walk on my side of the street while he did the same on his.
But now....I don't know. If he surfaces, I don't know. Do I really believe in recovery?
I have read some real horror stories here of drug addicts with years clean--drug addicts who were counselors and sponsors and winners--who went under and took the partners who loved them down into that abyss.
So i ask, has he had a lengthy period of recovery before this? Has he demonstrated long-term sobriety?
You will need the patience and faith of the gods to allow the time necessary to know, really know, in what way your story with him will unfold. He is just beginning and he has a very very hard couple of years ahead of him. His focus needs to be on recovery and not on relationship. Can you wait it out? Do you want to? You will have to have no expectations of intimacy or mutual nurturing for a long while. He can't do that and save his life from drugs simultaneously.
My guy....wherever he is and whatever he's doing.....God was smart to keep us apart. My guy has a better chance at life because of the separation from me.....I truly believe that. Knowing what I know now about the battle of recovery....I would not have designed it any other way. Even though every day for two and a half years I have longed for his return, and to know what happened to his life.....I would have designed our story just the way it is playing out. And I know, also, I may never hear from him again.
The veterans here will have much to offer. It's late....they'll show up in the morning!
So welcome, again, and I hope you find the support here you need.
May I ask, how long was he clean and in 12 step recovery before his relapse?
Your post hit home with me. I too fell deeply in love with a recovering drug addict and he too spiraled down. I have not heard from him for 2 1/2 years. And every day I ask myself, if he came back today, in spite of all my hoping he would come back, do I really believe in recovery? He had ten years clean and a very strong program and full custody of his children. He worked hard, very hard, in every area of his life. And I admired him, as you admired your man.
Yet he cut me off, completely caught me off guard when he bolted from my life and refused to communicate with me in any way. He had all the signs of an impending relapse...like yours, he had the severe job stress, alimony issues, single father issues.....many triggers. And he works in a field in which drugs are easily at hand.
I loved him and would have been a partner with him in mutual recovery, would have walked the walk on my side of the street while he did the same on his.
But now....I don't know. If he surfaces, I don't know. Do I really believe in recovery?
I have read some real horror stories here of drug addicts with years clean--drug addicts who were counselors and sponsors and winners--who went under and took the partners who loved them down into that abyss.
So i ask, has he had a lengthy period of recovery before this? Has he demonstrated long-term sobriety?
You will need the patience and faith of the gods to allow the time necessary to know, really know, in what way your story with him will unfold. He is just beginning and he has a very very hard couple of years ahead of him. His focus needs to be on recovery and not on relationship. Can you wait it out? Do you want to? You will have to have no expectations of intimacy or mutual nurturing for a long while. He can't do that and save his life from drugs simultaneously.
My guy....wherever he is and whatever he's doing.....God was smart to keep us apart. My guy has a better chance at life because of the separation from me.....I truly believe that. Knowing what I know now about the battle of recovery....I would not have designed it any other way. Even though every day for two and a half years I have longed for his return, and to know what happened to his life.....I would have designed our story just the way it is playing out. And I know, also, I may never hear from him again.
The veterans here will have much to offer. It's late....they'll show up in the morning!
So welcome, again, and I hope you find the support here you need.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Welcome to SR Pepper,
I am sorry to here of your stuggle and the emotional rollercoaster. I can imagine it was very shocking and horrifing to see that side of your husband. Probably something that you never dreamed would happen. Really until someone has had a front row seat of seeing it occur you really have no idea. For many of us here we are all to familiar with recovery and relapse. One can never no if our loved one will relaspe, its the chance we take when we chose to commit to staying in the relationship. Many of us live in fear of it happening if not for the first time but the second and third time. We have to learn not to consume ourselves with the fear or we start to loose ourselves as well. Many of us can't get over the fear and we make the choice to get off the rollercoaster ride.
Another thing that we really have to do, is to stop predicting the future, for we just don't know and our thoughts can send us buggy. Seems you are having some of this now.
I know for me, while my husband was using, I really had no extra energy to focus on me, something I had to learn to do was to try and take the focus off him and try to look after me and this was a hardroad.
Some do recover and some don't, we just never know and I don't think they really know either. They just can't give a promise that they will never ever pick up again, it is not that they don't want to recover, it is the addict inside that takes over and what tools they have work with to overcome it. I guess for me I was kind of lucky...if to call it luck, but my husband just really never stopped long enought to give me much hope. I did end my marriage, but it took me a few years to get to the point of really knowing inside that I was off this rollercoaster.
Take a breath, it is all really knew to you. You are probably still in really bad shock.
Rose
I am sorry to here of your stuggle and the emotional rollercoaster. I can imagine it was very shocking and horrifing to see that side of your husband. Probably something that you never dreamed would happen. Really until someone has had a front row seat of seeing it occur you really have no idea. For many of us here we are all to familiar with recovery and relapse. One can never no if our loved one will relaspe, its the chance we take when we chose to commit to staying in the relationship. Many of us live in fear of it happening if not for the first time but the second and third time. We have to learn not to consume ourselves with the fear or we start to loose ourselves as well. Many of us can't get over the fear and we make the choice to get off the rollercoaster ride.
Another thing that we really have to do, is to stop predicting the future, for we just don't know and our thoughts can send us buggy. Seems you are having some of this now.
I know for me, while my husband was using, I really had no extra energy to focus on me, something I had to learn to do was to try and take the focus off him and try to look after me and this was a hardroad.
Some do recover and some don't, we just never know and I don't think they really know either. They just can't give a promise that they will never ever pick up again, it is not that they don't want to recover, it is the addict inside that takes over and what tools they have work with to overcome it. I guess for me I was kind of lucky...if to call it luck, but my husband just really never stopped long enought to give me much hope. I did end my marriage, but it took me a few years to get to the point of really knowing inside that I was off this rollercoaster.
Take a breath, it is all really knew to you. You are probably still in really bad shock.
Rose
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Pepper2 
I keep recalling in my head what I have heard from his family/friends who have seen him go through this before.
Originally Posted by Pepper2
I am torn between whether I should stay with a man who I love and try to work on the trust, get the hope back, etc. or whether I should walk away from this now...before we have children and before things get worse. I've worked hard to achieve goals personally and professionally and I want to strive to achieve more. I feel selfish. I feel like a terrible wife. I want to support him, but don't know that I can.
Keep reading here and you will see all the stories where women have stuck it out, and are now struggling years and years down the road, wishing they hadn't.
He made the choice to pick up and use again. I don't care what was going on in his life. Life is tough, and there are plenty of us who deal with stressful situations without getting loaded.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Ottawa,Ontario
Posts: 55
Everyone is addicted to something it does not always have to be drugs or alcohol which is also a drug.You say you love him ,well now is the time to show it.More then any time ever.Can not predict he will never drink again though,I don't feel I will ,and I think alot of that stems on me.But having my family around here to love and support me has made me want to continue my sobriety .I tried to quit 23 years ago had 5 years of sanity then went back to drinking again then a and a half years of insanity and now it is almost 13 years straight.Do you believe in him and yourself? There is no guarantee with anything in this life that I know of.Have a Great one.
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