aurorasmyfuture

Im new to all of this and im thankful that i dont have to go to AA.Ive herd its more like a cult rather that a place of hope.Im hoping to find new people to talk to because i really need some hope and a different outlook on life.Im 26 now and ive been drinking and having blackouts for probably 9 years now.I married when i turned 18 to a abusive man who was an alcoholic.I started dating him at 15 and we both became alcoholics together and im sure it was because we were board and young.We divorced 4 years ago and for a while i didnt drink a bit.I met a man named blake and i competely love him and he loves me the same.After a year into this relationship we moved in together and we drank together every chance we got but i never had a problem for the longest time.Maybe i jumped into another serious relationship to fast for my subconcious to know the change.I know that doesnt make sense its just that sometimes i drink to much and blackout.I think my new boyfriend is my exhusband and i was so used to defending myself in his and my drunkin rage that i hurt my new loving man of 3 years blake.Ive punched him,slaped him i verbally abuse him.In the mourning he tells me he loves me and he knows i was drunk and for 2 years now ive been drinking like this still.I always feel horrible for this but because he is so fogiving and he drinks it seems so easy just to go buy another bottle and just hope i dont freak out this time.Two days ago i was visiting my family and i had to much to drink,i told my father who i love so much that i hated him-that he was useless and who knows what else i said.I told my mother she was stupid.I told my sweet man i didnt want to be with him when he is the only great thing in my life.I told my aunt she was being an idiot and to stop dating this new guy she brought over right in front of him when i didnt know a damn thing about him.I completly freaked out on everyone there.I know i have gone way to far this time and i dont see how blake can still love me the way he does.The man stayed in bed with me all of the day after to comfort me.By the way this was the first time my family seen me this way.I didnt tell them what i have done to blake.Everyone i hang around drinks.I think i have a anxiety problem that keeps me from going out sober.I want so much to change and be a good woman to him and my family.I know i need a dramatic change in my lifestyle.I fear the boardom and anxiety that drives me to drink.How do i find a new way of living? Does anyone have any advice? Thankyou to anyone who will reply to this thread.

coffeenut

Welcome to SR. Sounds like alcohol has really messed with you. I hope you'll take to heart some of the advice you'll get in your thread. I hope you'll listen with an open mind and open heart.

Dee74

I've never been to AA but I have loads of friends here who have and they seem very non culty

theres a sticky in the alcoholism forum on recovery programmes
- I hope you'll check it out.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

Keep an open mind - it's your life you're talking about here.

Use whatever it takes
D

Fubarcdn

Welcome to SR Aurora.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about this?
Do you want to quit drinking?

It sounds like that you aren't having a lot of fun when you are drinking.
Several people here are quitting with the support of all the good people here at SR.
If you decide that you want to quit there is plenty of support here.
Good luck.

katie89

The only thing that worked for me was looking at my alcoholism like a disease.It was the only way.I started to drink at 15 then it got to be where I had the DT's one night so I quit for 6 months and then I started ,quit..etc. I always thought I was the one in control until I realized after 35 years years of drinking that it wasn't me it was my disease.Like a diabetic who has too much sugar which can kill.Me it is alcohol.

PS I never enjoyed AA either it was too long and weird

Hevyn

Hi Aurora. I'm glad you found us, thanks for telling your story. I know this is so hard for you. The hardest thing, though, is admitting that your life is spinning out of control. You already know what has to be done, and that's huge.

I agree with Dee, I wouldn't write off AA. I don't currently attend meetings, but I have in the past (court-ordered) and didn't find it to be cult-like at all. I have only used SR as my support, and it's worked for me, but I was absolutely determined to end my self-destruction.

I hope you find the help you need here - these are wonderful and wise people who truly care. We're glad to have you be part of us.

flutter

Aurora...I don't use AA in my recovery, but I know a lot of people who have been very helped by going, and working the program. Why not give it a shot? I'm not a fan, but I would hate for you to form an opinion on something that COULD BE helpful, without even trying it for yourself. It sounds like you have done a lot of hurtful things to the people closest to you, you don't have to live like that one day longer. Are you ready to change your life? You already said you already know you need a new lifestyle, and I totally agree. When I got sober, I had to change my friends, and my hangouts.. both were toxic to my new life, and I had to move on. I hope you stay strong in this, I would hate for you to continue this path you're on. We'll be here to support you

least

I would have an honest talk with your doctor about quitting drinking. You don't have to drink anymore if you really want to be sober. And I agree with giving AA a good try. Go to several meetings until you find some you like. All the best to you in getting sober.

Welcome to the family!

HideorSeek

Aurora, welcome to SR. My husband used to liken me to Jekyl and Hyde when I drank because I went from a nice, easy going, basically happy person when sober to an angry, depressed and nasty one when drinking. Most of the things I said and did, I couldn't remember, but when told about them would cringe and think "where did THAT come from"? In my case, I drank to avoid feelings and had always "bottled up" emotions that were negative. Being such a people pleaser, I would always defer to others, burying my own opinions and feelings out of fear of rejection. Add a little alcohol and all those resentments/fears/insecurities/anger etc would come to the surface and I would take it out on anyone who was near.

The answer for me was to stop drinking and go to therapy to deal with the issues that made me drink. I also go to AA and both therapy and AA assist me in the courage to be who I am. By finding out who I am and accepting my limitations and being able to speak my mind without fear of rejection, I am no longer a pressure cooker waiting to blow. I think that you will find that AA (or another program like therapy, or BOTH) which aids you in dealing with your issues, you will find that these "explosive" periods diminish significantly or vanish.