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Being honest, one and done

Old 04-21-2009, 03:25 AM
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Being honest, one and done

One of the things I have found hardest about the past 4 1/2 months is being honest about my drinking and holding myself accountable for my mistakes. SR has been extremely helpful in that respect, as I have forced myself to admit when I have had lapses. Counting yesterday, I've had 3 since the day before New Year's Eve. It is embarrassing and difficult to admit when I have made mistakes but doing so has helped me to stay sober for several months at a time and to get back on the horse, immediately, the other 2 times I've fallen. Yesterday was an odd one. I stopped by a restaurant after a very stressful and disappointing day. Of course, I was using a single disappointing incident to describe the whole day, which had actually been quite positive until I received some bad news. I had a screw it attitude and ordered a beer. As I started drinking it I noticed myself thinking of ways to prepare for the coming hangover and recovery period. That is, I was calculating sick/vacation days in my mind. Also, I thought of what I would say to all of you, knowing that I was so willingly throwing all that I had fought and struggled for out the window. I don't know how I was able to do this, but I stopped. I paid my "tab" which consisted of one drink, and left the bar. I then stayed busy for the remainder of the evening and watched several episodes of the tv show, Intervention. That is a very powerful show, in my opinion.

Since I took my very first drink at age 15, I don't think I have ever had one drink. Normally, if I have one, I have 6-15 (or more on a binge). This was really a first and was an odd experience. It was not at all fun, and I was consumed with guilt and regret. I also felt quite a bit of anger at myself for so carelessly and willfully ordering a drink. Even with just one, I did not drink like a normal person. I was filled with negative emotion. I felt some physical discomfort within an hour. My sleep, which had really been returning to normal, was fitful and shallow. I am very disappointed in myself for starting to enter my binge cycle, but glad I can report that I stopped it before it even finished getting started.

While I am happy I succeeded in stopping my cycle, I have to remember the difficulty and unpleasantness of the experience. I was dangerously close to a binge and the whole experience was in no way pleasant. I know that I will tempt myself in the future, by telling myself, "you had one and stopped, have one or two now". Non-alcoholic drinkers do not calculate sick days when having one drink. They don't fight with themselves for the rest of the evening to keep from having a second. They also can't say they've had a thousand or so experiences where they were not able to stop at one. Even with one, it still dictated the remainder of the evening. It took all of my attention and energy contain the urge for a second. Normal drinkers probably don't say that either.

Thanks for reading. I am grateful to all of you. Without SR, I would be calling in sick to work right now instead of posting and reflecting. Whew! Time to get ready for work!
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Old 04-21-2009, 04:18 AM
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I was the master of control and stopping in my drinking for years and because I could do this so well I was convinced that I thought I was not really an alcoholic. I even went for months during a period of athletic competition where I would only have a couple right before going to bed. The insanity was always a nightmare waiting to return and always made it's comeback.

Congrats on only having one though and posting before the brunt of storm returns.

Glad you posted!
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Old 04-21-2009, 04:20 AM
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While you are stumbling and feeling like "oops, here I go again", remember you are not the only one on this board who has done the same exact thing. I originally started getting sober probably close to five years ago. You know how much of that I was sober? Probably the 30 days straight I did and then after that, not really. I hear people call that "research", lol!!

When I became ready, I had enough knowledge to know what I needed to do and I did it. One day at a time!!!!! One second, one minute, one hour, one day, one week and so on. They're baby steps.

Sounds to me like you're doing the work and that is awesome!!! I know several girls I was in treatment with. When they were in there I knew they were going to relapse. One of my favorite girls told me straight out that she was going to. You know what? She's had to pick herself up a couple times and she's doing WONDERFUL!!!!

Just keep coming back as they say. I think you're doing great. You'll get there.
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Old 04-21-2009, 04:29 AM
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Free, a lady I know in the rooms last drink was 1/2 of a beer, she has been sober close to 3 years now, she just hit a wall, she had drank enough, she got back in the rooms after numerous relapses, got a sponsor, took the steps, met a good man, and recently had a child, she is one happy, sober lady.

Free once some one gets a good taste of sobriety usually it ruins any future drinking for them, that is not to say that they can not have a full blown relapse and drink them selfs to death, it happens a lot more often then people imagine, but what it does mean is that they are always remembering how nice it was being sober even though they are drunk as a skunk.

I know a guy who was sober for 22 years.... well I guess he decided that if he went 22 years without a drink he must not be an alcoholic so he started to drink again about 6 months or more ago. I know for a fact he has gotten 2 duis and would have had a 3rd but the cop took pity on him because he totalled his motorcycle, a friend of his told me he is miserable but can not stop drinking and will not come back into the rooms or into treatment due to pride.
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Old 04-21-2009, 04:37 AM
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Baby steps is very accurate!!! This is a very long and tough road we are walking. I imagine my alcoholism is like a beast I keep in a cage. Every once in awhile, it gets out and turns my life upside down. It got out yesterday, but I was able to wrestle it to the ground and lock it back up before it destroyed anything. Thank God!!!!

I also agree with "one day at a time." I really am doing the work and trying very, very hard. Sometimes I wonder what I would tell my 15 year-old self (when I started drinking) if I could go back in time. What I would say is always some variation of "Don't take that first drink! Please! You can't even imagine the grief it will bring." Unfortunately, I probably wouldn't have listened. I am still struggling with listening to those words - Don't take that first drink. But, I'm getting there one day at a time.

I love being sober SO MUCH MORE than being drunk or hungover. Withdrawing for 5 days is also something I can do without.
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Old 04-21-2009, 05:38 AM
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I also can do without the very unpleasant withdrawels, Whenever I feel like I am going to pick up a drink I just remember how awful I felt the last time I drank, it doesn't always work but most of the time it does.
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Old 04-21-2009, 06:05 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeinMilwaukee View Post
While I am happy I succeeded in stopping my cycle, I have to remember the difficulty and unpleasantness of the experience. I was dangerously close to a binge and the whole experience was in no way pleasant. I know that I will tempt myself in the future, by telling myself, "you had one and stopped, have one or two now". Non-alcoholic drinkers do not calculate sick days when having one drink. They don't fight with themselves for the rest of the evening to keep from having a second. They also can't say they've had a thousand or so experiences where they were not able to stop at one. Even with one, it still dictated the remainder of the evening. It took all of my attention and energy contain the urge for a second. Normal drinkers probably don't say that either.!
Hi Free,

That's what has kept me in the binge/denial cycle for so long. Often, I can drink one or two and be done with it. How does that cancel out the times I drink for 5 days straight? The only place that works is in my alcoholic little mind.

Thank you for your post and reminding me that just having one or two proves nothing. Because even when I am having one or two, I am thinking all the thoughts you articulated above. I am so conscious of my drinking, and whether I should call it a night or let it go into a full-blown binge, I get nervous when I am sharing a bottle of wine with others and it gets close to empty, etc. etc. - NOT NORMAL.

So even if we can sometimes have one or two, if the experience is one that involves obsessive thoughts and rumination, then we definitely have a problem.

I needed that reminder today. Congratulations for getting back to your sobriety!

Jayne
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