NYC_Chick

I copy and pasted this, so I hope it's all on here right : )

I am not sure how many of you remember me. I have been gone for a while because, in truth, I was ashamed to tell all of you what I had done and just how bad I allowed myself to sink into my codependency. I know now that I had nothing to be ashamed of and, by telling my story, I hope that I can help everyone that is struggling. I apologize in advance for this VERY VERY LONG post, but hope you will read it anyway. This is part of a project my therapist and I have been working on.

It seems the best place to start is where I first began to relapse. For those of you that remember me, I took a cruise in October in Europe. I posted about the trip when I returned, but left out some details about the trip and what happened before that. Again, because I was ashamed. I also left out details of the trip because I strongly suspected my xabf was reading my posts and I was still concerned about his feelings. Since that is no longer true for me, I am posting freely without regret or regard for his feelings if he does decide to read anything I am now posting. Posting here is part of being brutally honest with myself, so here it goes.

I had been in contact with my xabf prior to my trip. We spoke often, but as much as we did speak, I would not agree to see him. Because I was not seeing him, I was able to remain pretty detached from him and his issues and focus on me. A couple of weeks before my trip, the head games were in full effect. He would act like everything was great with him and would consistently tell me how much he had changed. I would tell him what I had learned about myself and that I knew I deserved better than what he was giving me. I also told him I would not settle for less than I knew I deserved. He then told me he didn't know if he wanted a relationship, despite the fact that he was consistently trying to get me to see him and pursuing me. I told him that I respected his decision, but that I didn't think he should contact me until he figured that out. So, for 10 days before my trip, I heard nothing from him and I was devastated. That all changed the day before I flew to Rome.

I was running last minute errands before I left. I wasn't excited about the trip and viewed it as something I just had to get through. I remember posting about that. I spoke to my therapist about this. She encouraged me to just let go of him for the trip so I could focus on the experience. I struggled with that, however, I found a way to let him go while I was there (See my trip post). Anyway, he began texting the day before I left. I told him I could not speak to him. He started calling. I wouldn't answer. More texts all day long. He finally asked if I would call before my flight the next day and I did. He told me how much he loved me and wished that he was going with me. He told me he wanted to be with me. He had changed. (I can see the collective eye roll and hear you all saying "quack, quack, quack." Trust me, I did too.) But I loved him and wanted to believe him. He asked me to see him when I came home. I told him I would think about it. He asked me to email him from Europe. I told him I wouldn't because I was putting myself on a 2.5 week phone and email ban. I knew I needed the time. This didn't sit well with him, of course. I now see the contact for what it was...manipulation, an insurance policy that he would be in my head and I wouldn't do anything with anyone I might meet while I was a half a world away. Regardless, it didn't work.

I had an amazing first day in Rome with my friend and her parents then we boarded the ship the following day. The first day aboard, we went to bed early because he had a 7a.m. call to go to Capri, Sorrento and Pompeii. The day was amazing! We got back on the ship and got ready to go to dinner. As we were walking to dinner, I saw the most gorgeous man. He smiled at me. I smiled back. I kept seeing him throughout the night. More smiles. It had been a long time since I noticed anyone and here was this beautiful guy flirting with me. He looked like, to me anyway, David Chokachi (the guy from Baywatch) and, oddly, his name was David. His eyes were the most amazing blue-green color. He was 6'2, muscular, but not too much, and had a great smile. He was just perfect to me! I could not stop thinking "WOW!" Still, we didn't talk that night.

The next day was a sea day, which on a cruise means formal wear for dinner. I had a difficult time that day, but managed to put it behind me for the night. I found a long, straight, black velvet, one-shoulder, with a train Ralph Lauren gown at TJMaxx for $30 (I'm a bargain shopper) Anyway, the dress fit like a glove, literally. I found an antique velvet belt with this amazing buckle to wear with the dress. I put my hair up and did my make-up perfectly. I felt beautiful for the first time in months. I remember walking to dinner and seeing men on the ship notice me. I can only guess it was because I looked really confident that night. We had a great dinner, then went to the nightclub on the ship. One by one, men came up and introduced themselves to me. Five men by the end of the night, ranging in age from 46 down to 24. The 24 year old was by far the most flattering. He thought I was around 28 (I'm 36). We made friends and spent some time together on the trip. Someone else came up to me that night too. The step-brother of the DC look-alike. He told me that his brother was interested in me. I told him if he was he should talk to me. He didn't that night. I was bummed, but still had the time of my life. Things like this just don't happen to me, at least they didn't up until that point in my
life : )

The next day we were in Venice. So beautiful! Anyway, we had an overnight, so we stayed out as late as we could. We ran into David and his step brother. I felt like a school girl with a crush. We pretty much just smiled at each other while I talked to his step brother. They were on their way to get gelato (YUM!). My friend and I just kind of followed, but we all lost each other near San Marco Square. I was telling my friend they were probably trying to lose us and he probably didn't think very much of me. Just then, my friend noticed them and was trying to shut me up. He was standing pretty much right next to me. I just laughed and so did he, and kind of ran away like a school girl. I didn't see him the rest of the night as we got lost trying to get back to the ship. Venice at night is a little scary. The streets are very narrow and very dark. Anyway, on to the next day....

On Monday night, my friend got sick and decided she didn't want to go out. So, I ventured out alone. I thought it was a good challenge. I decided to go see the show on the ship. I ran into the step brother who asked where my friend was. I explained she was sick. He left. A few minutes later, David came into the theater. I'm not sure what go into me. I decided to just go sit next to him and start talking. That was it. The rest of the trip, we spent as much time together as possible. I was completely sleep deprived! We would often meet up after dinner (we were in separate dining rooms), and stay up until the sun was practically up. We talked a lot and kissed a lot (What an amazing kisser!). Saturday rolled around with only 2 nights left on the ship (It was a 12 day cruise). We ran into him in Monaco. He told me he wanted us to have a proper first date, so he made reservations and the ship restaurant that you have to pay for and we had a very nice 3 hour dinner. The last night on the ship we tried to stay up all night so we could spend as much time together as possible. The morning we were leaving was hard. We must have hugged each other for a half hour! He kissed me goodbye and we agreed to talk when we both got home. He lives in San Francisco and I live in New York.

We stayed in contact for a while when I got home. We talked about traveling back and forth, but both of us were pretty certain that we wanted to stay living where we were. In the end, I was ok with everything because, above all else, I learned from my experience with him that it was possible to be attracted to someone besides my xabf. I also learned from him that it was possible to find someone who would treat you with kindness and respect. He really was wonderful. It was like he brought me back to life in many ways. Up until then, I could not imagine anyone else hugging me, let alone kissing me. I will never regret a minute I spent with him. The changes in me after this trip didn't go unnoticed by those around me. Everyone was surprised by how happy I was when I returned home. I was surprised by it as well and more than a little scared of how I was feeling. So, instead to trying to figure out how to live in happiness, I went right back to the familiar and emailed my xabf when I got back. We began to email constantly again and then we began talking on the phone again. I knew I did not want to do it, yet could not explain why I did. My therapist believes that happiness scared me and was uncomfortable to me. Looking back on it now, I think she was right. It was almost painful to be that happy. There was a feeling of joy, right along with a feeling of dread all the time. So, I ran right back to misery and, in the end, paid a pretty heavy price to be back in the familiar.

I finally agreed to see my xabf at the end of October. We met for coffee, then dinner, several times. He told me everything I wanted to hear. I searched for the lies in his face and just could not see them. The reality was, I sat there and lied to myself. I wanted him to be the person I thought he was and hoped he could be. He told me how he changed and I believed every word of it. I also decided then that maybe he really wasn't an alcoholic and I had been wrong the entire time. He told me over and over how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. We decided to work on a plan to be together.

At some point right before Thanksgiving, he did what he has always done and blew me off when we had made plans to talk. Of course, he knew doing this would push my buttons and trigger all of my feelings of abandonment. The next day, he emailed to tell me he was sorry. I essentially lost it and emailed back that I wanted answers about us. Either we had to be all in or all out. He ignored my email. It killed me. I was in so much pain I didn't know what to do with myself. After about a week, I began to realize he was never going to speak to me again and started to figure out how to get back on the recovery wagon again. My birthday passed with no word from him. That was also very painful, but I had a great day despite that fact that he made no contact with me. Just when I thought it was all over, 3 weeks after my email to him, I was at home on a Sunday morning, checked my email, and there was an email from him. Of course, you have all read these emails. He told me that he was ready to be all in. He loved me and didn't want to lose me. He could not imagine his life without me. I was the love of his life. I knew I should not respond, but there was my DOC ready, willing, and waiting. I emailed back the next day. I told him we could meet and talk.

We met and I asked what he wanted from me. He essentially sat right in front of me, after all of this, and told me that he only met with me because I wanted to and that he was done with me, which is why he ignored my email for 3 weeks. I asked why he sent the email. He said he never intended to. I just sat there stunned, although none of this should have been a surprise. I finally just said ok. I get you are done and goodbye. He began to cry. He didn't want to be done, but because I was so difficult he didn't know what else to do. He then proceeded to tell me exactly what was wrong with me. I was too controlling, materialistic (this was a new one), a perfectionist, he felt as if he had to walk on egg shells with me. I let him go on and on. Then it changed again. He loved me and wanted to try to work on it. Back on the roller coaster again! He kissed me goodbye and I flew home to my family for Christmas the next day. He sent text messages about how all he did was think about me and how much he loved me. I was hooked once again. The New Year came and went. We did not spend it together, but saw each other several times after that. Like nothing had happened. Like a normal couple. I wasn't a codie and he wasn't an alcoholic. It was suspended reality full force. We were intimate. We were happy, or so I told myself. Then it all came crashing down.

We saw each other on Presidents day and had a wonderful time together. We spent the entire day just talking and laughing. About what, I can't remember. It was snowing and cold outside, but despite the weather, the day was perfect. I finally got home and thought that things were going well. Then the next week came. We made plans to talk on the phone on a Tuesday. At the last minute he sent a text saying he was caught up doing something and that he could not talk. This is the first time I began to suspect there was another woman involved. I lost it. I texted back 4 times and called 5 times. He ignored all of them. He finally called back after midnight. Even as I sit and write this, it's like I am talking about another person. I had become someone I thought I had long left behind. I was sleeping when he called, so I emailed him the next day to tell him I was upset. He said he was sorry and that he would be in contact later in the week. We finally spoke on Friday. It was the conversation that began to change everything again. He told me we were not together, so he owed me nothing. He told me, again, that it wasn't going to work with us. I was exhausted and just agreed that it wasn’t going to work. Then the tears came again for him. That's not what he wanted. He wanted to work it out. He loved me. The stress from that point on was significant. We agreed to talk the next day. He blew me off again via text message, which I ignored. There were 7 in all. I sat and watched them roll in with one of my close friends telling me not to answer. The texts even had lies within lies. First, he was talking to his dad, then he we tired, then he was going to bed and turning his phone off. He showed up at my house the next day. He rode his bike from his house in Manhattan to my house in Brooklyn. We went to the coffee shop. I asked what he was doing there. He began to cry and said he didn't know. He said he was going to leave. I said ok. He stayed and tried to talk to me. I listened, but I was numb. He tried to hold my hand, I pulled away. By then end of the 3 hours I sat with him, it was like nothing happened. Back on the roller coaster. He walked me home and tried to put his arm around me as we walked. I just continued to walk with no response. He hugged me tight when we got to my house. He tried to kiss me, but for the first time since I have known him I was repulsed by him. I couldn't kiss him back.

My work began to suffer as a result of all the stress. My relationships with my co-workers was also strained. I could not see straight or think a straight thought. I was put on medication for depression and anxiety. Yet, I still spoke to him. Again and again. I did decide I needed to get away for a few days and booked a trip to Chicago to see my best friend and his partner for Valentines weekend, which we have decided will be a tradition. The thought of being in NY was too much. My xabf and I continued to talk. I was reaching the end of my rope, though. I finally told him I couldn’t take anymore. I knew that I was leaving and thought if a final break was coming, it was best to leave town for a few days. We spoke on the Tuesday before Valentines day. I pushed. He said he needed more time to think. I told him I didn't have anymore time. He called back 2 hours later to tell me he wanted to make it official for us to be together. I was shocked. I went to therapy that night. I told her (she used to be our couples therapist) that I had gotten back together with xabf. She said "what are you doing?" I told her I didn't know. Then I told her I felt like I had just signed my own death certificate. She told me that, as a couples therapist, she is usually an advocate to work it out, but that this was a bad idea and thought I should think about the woman I was when I came home in October and ask her why I wanted someone so toxic in my life. I don't think she could believe the crash either. I spoke to xabf on Wednesday and he was nice, like there had been no turmoil just before that. I know everyone reading this knows how this goes. We laughed, joked, said we loved each other, then got off the phone. Then he called Thursday...

He told me that he thought he was supposed to let go of me when we were apart, so he had tried to move on. I knew what was coming. He had made a friend...just a friend, who also happened to be female. He had met her in July. She was helping him get over me and through him being sick (He was diagnosed with colitis and some heart problem over the summer) and he had developed feelings for her. However, there was nothing going on between them. I asked him to meet me. I yelled at him, cried and became irrational. He said he wanted to be with me, but didn't know how. Then he told me it was all my fault that he met her and had developed feelings for her. If I had only been there for him and helped him through his tough year it would not have happened. I asked him how much she knew about why we broke up. Not much, he admitted. He also told me he was aware that he was using her, but he needed someone. He also went as far as to admit that it didn't matter who it was and he cared nothing about her life, just the fact that she was there for him. I was sick. He still claimed they were just friends. I asked if she would be upset to know what we had been doing. He said probably. That doesn't sound like a friend to me. I kissed him goodbye on the street through tears and left.


Then next day I called in sick to work before my flight to Chicago. I got no sleep. He called several times that day. We spoke all day long. He cried most of the time. I was too angry, confused, upset and distraught to cry. I asked what she knew about us. He told me that he told her I wanted him back. He admitted he never mentioned he was pursing me the entire time they were together. I told him I had to leave to the airport. He did make sure to send a text on Valentines day to tell me he loved me and he wanted to talk to me and that he was sick at a gig and devastated about what had happened. He also wanted to talk when I got home. I told him I would send a letter. He continued to text while I was gone.

When I returned to New York, I went to therapy the next day, but I was still stuck. I have mentioned before that I was still seeing our couples therapist. He was not. When I went in the next day, she told me xabf emailed her the Sunday after Valentines day. She told me that he wanted to come in to see her because he thought it might help. She then told me that she told him she could not longer work with him, but was happy to refer him to someone else. There were some emails back and forth with me. She did not tell him she was seeing me, but he assumed. He also told me, again, that he was devastated and still trying to figure out what to do and his own feelings. I was numb.

In the couple of weeks that passed after, the stress began to take a toll on me physically. I had stopped eating. It wasn’t that I wasn’t hungry, I tried to eat, but got to the point where I was choking on food….literally. Within 10 days, I had lost over 10 pounds. I’m normally between 125 and 130 and was down to 115. I have not been that small since high school. I tried liquid meal supplements. That didn’t work either. I existed on water. The odd thing was I didn’t cry much, I was just there. Thankfully, My family and friends were in close contact during this time. Part of what helped get me out of it was my family, my mom and uncle especially. I could just hear how scared they both were when I called.

In the meantime, I finished writing the letter I promised to xabf. It was 10 pages long. I wanted to make sure I did not miss anything because I knew in my heart it would be the last things I said to him. Oddly, it still wasn’t my bottom. He emailed back and I read it. He sent text messages and I read them too. But, my bottom did come soon after…

It was a Tuesday, I think 2 weeks after I had last seen him. I had just gotten out of the shower and was trying to get dressed for the day. This was becoming increasingly more challenging because all of my clothes were falling off of me at that point. I stood and looked in the mirror, probably for the first time in weeks, and could not believe what I saw. My ribs were sticking out and so were my hip bones. I was wasting away. I could almost feel my body eating itself. I just stood there and cried. For the first time, I was scared that I would not live. Fortunately, I had therapy that night.

I sat in her office and just cried and told her I knew I could not go on not eating because I was scared and knew eventually I would starve to death. She told me I had a choice here and asked what I wanted. I just cried and said “I want to live.” And that’s where my life started again. I was reading here each day. I feel that, for those of you who don’t know me, I know you and I know your stories. I have wanted to reply, but just wasn’t ready. But, I also want you all to know how much you have helped me. Each day I read something that gave me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

There is one member here that I have always looked up to in recovery and who always managed to say exactly what I needed to hear before my relapse (You know who you are). While the relapse was in full effect, I reached out to her. I remember everything she told me then and held on to it tightly because I wanted what she had found. To this person, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wisdom!

Once I made the decision to live, I can’t tell you what my life has been like! I went to therapy the next week and my therapist was in shock at how good I looked. I began to eat again and started gaining back the weight I had lost. We talked about what had changed. I told her I finally felt I had my power back and there was no way I was going to give it up….and I haven’t. On the way home in a cab that night something else hit me. I was thinking about how everyone on here says “listen to the alcoholic’s actions, not his words.” Then I thought about my own actions. I constantly told xabf that I would not tolerate the drinking, lies, manipulation, emotional abuse, you name it and that I deserved better BUT my own actions were telling him “I’m a doormat. Treat me like crap because I will take it and take it some more. I don’t deserve kindness and respect from you or anyone. You can hit me as hard as you want because I’ll still be there for you” Remembering this has continued to push me forward.

I have ignored all of his emails since I sent the letter. I know that no matter what he says it will be more lies on top of the lies he has already told me. It no longer matters to me what he has to say. I sometimes think he tried to get me back just so he could hurt me as much as I hurt him by leaving the first time. I have also thought that he tried to get me back as a way to validate his own drinking. He once told me that I was the only one who knew how bad it was, so if he could get me back in his life, then maybe it wasn’t that bad. The funny thing is, I no longer care why he did what he did. AND, in many ways, I am thankful for all the things he has done. If I had not gone through this with him, I would have had to go through it with someone else to learn what I needed to learn. I told my therapist this as well and she said she remembered telling me someday I would be thankful for all of it and I didn’t believe her. She is really happy with our work so far. I know I still have a ways to go, so I will keep going until I get there! I have also joined a therapy group through her office. We meet with another therapist and all share what we are going through or learned over the week. There are some that have been with as many alcoholics/addicts as I have and some that are dealing with other issues. It’s great to get feedback from others who have been there. It’s also great to have new friends that are also recovering in their own ways. The therapist for the group is also great!

Today, I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life and can honestly HONESTLY say there is no place else I would rather be, either physically or emotionally! I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy AND I’m not scared of it either. I still have times where I’m sad about what has happened and miss my xabf and the good things about him, but those times are just times because, in the end, there really wasn’t much good about him, especially in the end. I’m not sad entire days or weeks, though. I allow myself x amount of time to be sad, then I pick up and move on. My work has improved and I am in love with my job. Also, my relationships with my co-workers has also improved. I think because I was so guarded with what was really going on with me I was, in a way, telling them to stay away from me. Now, I laugh and joke with them all day long. I’m essentially drunk with joy each day and don’t worry as much about the bad times because I know they will pass and I will continue to get stronger.

In addition to that, I decided to start dating again a few weeks ago. I was concerned at first that it may be too soon, but I talked it out with my therapist and she thought it was okay to do. She said that she felt that all the work we had been doing over the past year never went away, so it wasn’t a complete backslide, and I have a good foundation for finding a healthy person if that’s what comes out of it and when the time is right. I am taking things VERY slow. I have been out with several different men at this point and guess what? There are some really amazing, nice and respectful men out there. There are also some with HUGE red flags, but they are really easy to spot at this point. I am having a lot of fun, but I’m also exhausted : ) There is one man in particular who I think is extra amazing! We have been out several times and he is just great. He opens doors for me, walks on the outside of the sidewalk (very old fashioned!) and plans everything. All I have to do is show up. I don’t have to take care of him and it’s not like the obsessive sort of start to relationships I’ve had in the past. I’m still dating other people and not just focusing on him, but I really enjoy his company and I think he enjoys mine because he keeps asking me out. It’s too early to say where this will go. I’ve also told him it’s very important for me to go slow. He knows only that my last relationship ended due to my xabf’s alcoholism, but I’ve not gone into any detail about it. I don’t want xabf to be anywhere near my new life.

I remember posting months ago about a vision I continually had where I was hanging off a cliff and xabf was standing on the cliff. I was hanging on to his pants with one hand. I remember my therapist saying that she wanted me to try to envision letting go of his pants and what that would be like. She also wanted me to try to find a way down the cliff other than climbing back up his pants. What I now realize is that all I needed to do is stretch myself a little bit. As it turns out, there was a ledge just below my feet where I could safely walk around where he was and on to a new path that is smooth and safe.

I will be here often now reading and posting. I will also post when I am going through a hard time, because I still need your support and wisdom to keep moving me forward!

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

Live

thank you!

bluejay6

Thank you so much. And what you wrote about YOUR ACTIONS betraying your words (accepting abuse even though you kept saying you would no longer accept abuse) really affected me. I will pay attention to my OWN quacking from now on!
I am very happy for your health and happiness.

tallulah

powerful post :ghug which resonated with me..

It is like being a yo-yo.. up and down until you get sick and dizzy. They pull you close when they see you moving away and then when you are close they push you back. On their part I think it is based in fear. When you see that bhaviour for what it is and when you finally have enough of it, you get your power back. You stay fixed, but they sometimes continue dancing. Trick then is not to accept the invitation.

There is nothing you can do. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Only they can find the cause and do the fixing and put measures in place to control it. Just like the alcohol.

Since coming out of my situation.. I feel compassion for the other person in the dance. I truly do. I forgive him and hope he finds peace. I also feel an amount of.. well... sorrow for them. They have lost something too... through the twisted practises. Something that may have been the best thing that happened to them.. but they will never know.

I'm glad you have come throught it. It is amazing how, when you finally see it for what it is, you are out of the destructiveness of the situation, you feel better, look better, you think better and act better. It is like inside you is a little brightly burning star that someone put a piece of blackout material over it... and you have taken it off.

here's to you and your little star..

peaceteach

Hey, NYC Chick! Welcome back and sounds like you've been to hell and back. Sometimes that is what it takes to get your "self" back and to want to begin living for YOU again. Nice to hear from you.

JoBloggs

Thank you for your amazing post NYC Chick - you have given me the courage I needed today.

I am so happy for you that you have stepped off that emotional rollercoaster and that you are making a new life for yourself.

You go girl!

Bernadette

(((((NYC)))))
I am so glad to hear you have chosen LIFE and are working on recovering yourself! Sending you a shot of strength and courage, your story is important and I am glad you shared all the nitty gritty details of how twisted things can be in our minds until we fully accept reality...
peace,
b

Chrysalis123

Thanks for posting.

LaTeeDa

I know exactly how that feels. Self-sabotage is something I have to be very aware of and guard against constantly. I believe it is a struggle that will be with me for life.

It's great to have you back! So happy to hear you have taken back your power.

L

Lilyflower

NYC so good to see you back again, you sound as though the whole experience has made you grow even more! I really respect your honesty with yourself, and consequently with us, you are an inspiration

Lots of hugs to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

NYC_Chick

Thanks for all the support. It feels good to be back and thinking clearly and honestly about my own life!

LTD: I'm constantly keeping myself in check to not sabotage myself. My therapist and I discussed this at length when I turned the corner after I hit my bottom. She's given me a few tools to use when I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. Oddly, there was an issue with my downstairs neighbor not too long after I started to dig out. I didn't want the drama and it was more uncomfortable to have that in my life than to just let go and let the landlord deal with it. Funny how the healthier you get the more you realize living this way gets pretty comfortable as opposed to misery!!!

steve11694

I needed to choose between Tolstoy's "war and peace" or your post above. I made the right choice and read your post, as it was a few paragraphs shorter than war and peace.


No more war but ...... peace for you.......

NYC_Chick

Steve: LOL! I tried to edit...really!

LaTeeDa

Maybe you could share them. I can always use more tools!

L

cagefree

I feel the same.

Thank you for every wonderful word you wrote!

NYC_Chick

LTD: I'll start a new thread so everyone can avoid the book above!