firestorm090

I've lived my whole life running from the truth. I've run from the truth since I was a little kid, growing up for the first few years in an alcoholic home, filled with rage, infidelity, and shame. We were poor, and my mother drank and did script drugs from as far back as I can remember. I hated my home, because I was always scared of getting smacked, always afraid of not being a good kid, so I became a chameleon, always adapting to survive in a house full of fear and uncertainty. My whole life has turned out to be the same, except the fear is internal. I've never realized that I had the power to change my whole life, not listen and try to always please others, till now and it sucks, because I'm fifty years old and alone, and glad I'm sober, but am angry, truly angry over all those wasted, confused, lost years. I still feel lost. I still don't know what I want to do, I never really have, because I've never really known who I am. I was talking with a friend yesterday and she told me I'm lucky now because I can do whatever it is that I want to do and can pursue success on my own terms, whatever my definition of success is. I have no definition of success, except to say I didn't drink today. Hell, I've drank all my life, now what? I stuck between the past and not knowing what to do with now, or the future. It eats me up inside. I look around me and consider the people I know and most of them are also stuck in their own little worlds, the same as I and I want to scream, "Hey, is this all there Is?" Did I live my whole life only to reach 50 years old and pat myself on the back for not having a d*mn drink today? It's pathetic, and I feel pathetic. I am glad that I'm not drunk, but the booze kept the lid on a life full of disappointment, frustration and lack of fulfillment. Now I have no lid. That s*cks.

I guess I can't solve all these problems tonight, but I had to face this truth. In reality, I hate the life I have today, and the one I've lived till now. I have a lot of work to do to change all this, but at least today I recognize where I am, and I didn't drink to kill the pain. Maybe that's progress. :wtf2

Sorry for such a bummer thread.

adore79

((((((firestorm)))))) Thanks for that powerful share. I was thinking today again about how I've always thought that I was just a product of my environment/experiences and my genes. I forgot about my inherent ability of free will of self determination, I can choose what I think and what I do, I am not a slave to my past or my genes and I am constantly changing and, hopefully, improving.

BKP

" I always believed it was the things you don't chose that make you who you are, your city, your neighborhood, your family..." - Gone baby Gone.

I truly think that you and I are thinking the same but we need to place the past in what it is the past. Godbless.

Mark75

Crisis precipitates change... Your 50 and alone... angry about the confused wasted years...

I'd be worried if you weren't angry. Be angry! You need that energy to change! But, channel that energy to fuel the life changing process your entering. Don't let it kill your spirit or make you give up.

I am 51... I am pretty pissed about some things... Honestly it does get me down at times... when I feel that happen, I know something is wrong in my recovery.

Keep posting

CarolD

I've found my purpose in life and it is helping others.

Go do some volunteer work ...a animal shelter ...a Senior Center
work with the homeless...look into Big Brothers or Scouting.
So very many places could use your hands..head and heart.

I wish I was 50 again....Lucky you!

firestorm090

Hi adore,

I appreciate your comments, especially regarding our ability to determine what we want to do with our lives. I guess that's where I'm stuck right now, I don't have a clue what I want to do. I've lived many years and done so many things that I've lost my sense of appreciation for daily living. I know, or at least I hope this will pass and I can find a sense of direction and purpose. It frustrates me to have so much yet feel I have so little. I really have a good life, not great, but good. Maybe I need someone to smack me up side the head with a gratitude stick, lol. Thanks again for being my friend.

Live

It is never a weakness to get help. Why build a house without power tools?
I suggest you look into counseling to help your life heal.

firestorm090

Hi BKP,

Yep, you're right, the past is the past. Guess I have much to get over and let go of. It's okay, at least I'm beginning to feel, haven't done that in many years. It's hard to feel much of anything when you're loaded out of your mind, drunk and stupid. I lived that way for far to long, so I'm here trying to change that pattern of running from myself. Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

Lenina

What a powerful post, firestorm! It really touched me. My folks didn't drink but were nuts. I had to learn how to separate myself from their insanity. Their reality wasn't mine. For years I tried to fit in with them and be crazy too although I always knew it wasn't right.

Thanks for your post.

Love,

Lenina

firestorm090

Hi Cubile75,

Yes, the anger has been suppressed for a long time now. I normally act the fool, the class clown, the easy going guy with no problems, which is why these feelings have built up for so long. I struggle to admit the truth to myself, because I don't like what I see. I've drank away fortunes others have sought to earn. I've walked away from people just so I could do my own thing, and now I don't even know what that is. For many years, it was to drink when and where I wanted, my whole life seemed to be controlled by the tons of booze I've drank. Now, my head is clearing of the effects of so much alcohol, and I'm waking up to the fact that I'm not sure who the guy is looking back at me in the mirror each day. Who is that masked man? I've lived a life of self-indulgence, and am lost at how to set things right. I don't need much, not near as much as I think, yet with all I have, I feel empty inside. Oh well, guess I have a long road ahead, but that's better than being at the end of my road. Thanks for your kind support and encouragement to face my anger.

firestorm090

Hi Carol,

I always appreciate your kind and insightful input, and all of the people you try to help each day. That's admirable, and hard to copy, because it comes from your heart. My heart, at least these days, feels like road kill.

I have four animals. two dogs and two cats, so I sometimes feel I have my own animal shelter, lol. I was just feeding the cats, and was reading label on the can of 9 Lives, it sounded so good I was wondering how it really tastes, lol. No, I didn't try it, but they make it sound so good.

I am trying to find something to do that I feel good about and that I can do fairly well. it may take some time, but I am determined to find something. Thanks for the tips. Working with others seems to be a big thing here, so I'll have to try it.

firestorm090

Hi liveweyerd,

I've been thinking about counseling, which is one of the reasons I posted all of this insead of stewing with it alone. I wanted honest feedback and appreciate your insight. I may try to find a counselor to unearth this garbage I've stuffed for so long. I've heard that it often gets worse before it gets better, but if you don't seek the truth, you are never free. That's what I'm looking for now. Thanks for the help.

firestorm090

Hi Lenina,

Thanks for your reply. It's crazy to carry all this emotional junk around all these years, sometimes I feel like a homeless person pushing around a grocery cart filled with emotional garbage. People on the street would say, "Hey, why are you pushing that around?" Honestly, I don't know why, but I am determined to find out why we don't let go of what is holding us back and keeping us stuck in our addictions. Thanks again.

Lenina

firestorm,

Therapy did me a world of good! I'll always be grateful I had a very good therapist. If you have an employee assistance program at your work, they may be able to give some recommendations in your neighborhood. Sometimes there's insurance or arrangements for sliding scale payments.

You seem like a great person. You deserve happiness and peace in your life (don't we all?).

Please keep us posted on your progress.

Love,

Lenina

firestorm090

Hey P, I've never used this quote thing before, so I hope this works.

Finding my core, that's it. I lost it somewhere between the first drink and the last, God only knows where it is today. I need to find that. One thing I've learned is that the outside doesn't mean jacksh.. if the inside is a mess. Kinda like having a great house, but putting the trash in the closets instead of throwing it out. I'm glad you're my friend, and to be able to come here to SR and start to sort all of this out. That's a great gift. I would never be able to do this without help, because all of my present associates are drunks just like me for the most part, so you and SR are actually helping me find a new life, even though it's tough sometimes. Thanks P.

Hey, here's a gratitude stick to smack myself up side the head, glad I found it, lol.

Live

You have a great sense of humor!
And I could learn from you about being open minded to suggestions!

Tazman53

Great post firestorm, one I relate to deeply, at the end of my drinking I felt as though I was of no use to anyone, even myself, I was weak and useless, I was nothing but a drunk standing at the edge of a cliff getting ready to go over the edge, I was scared and hopeless.

I was 52 when I got sober so I know the feeling of the lost and wasted years and years, my life I thought was gone. Your post indicate you are carrying a lot of baggage from your past. I was as well, I drank for 40 years, the last 5 years I did not draw a single sober breath so in reality the last 6 years of my drinking I was beyond useless, I was nothing but a drunk with a lot of baggage that I could no longer drink away.

Today I do have purpose, I have cleaned up the wreckage from my past and know who I am today as a result of taking and living the 12 steps in my life.

Today I am a father, a husband, a good employee, I work with other alcoholics passing on to them what was passed on to me, I find joy in my family and in being a good employee, I also find great joy in helping other alcoholics achieve and maintain sobriety, in showing them how I have cleaned up the wreckage of my past and moved forward in my life helping others.

Today I am rid of my past, it is not forgotten though, because my past helps others when I share it with them. I have a future today, a future where I plan on finding other way to help other people and also to enjoy life.

Today I live life, I used to merely exist to drink and drink to exist. It does get better if one stays sober, works on cleaning up thier past, works on changing into a better person allowing them selfs to become of maximum benefit to others and them selfs as well.

I was 52 when I sobered up, I am 55 today and happier then I have been in well over 30 years, it took time and work, but it has all been worth it.

vegibean

While you have ten years on me I heard all that your friend said to you. Getting sober isn't the only thing I plan on doing for myself. This is now MY LIFE and I am going to pursue all of the dreams I had since I was a kid. They're not going to happen over night, that's still going to take more time but I know that if I keep working hard, I CAN AND WILL DO IT!!!!!

I have plenty of days when I wake up and think, "what the hell did I get sober for?" For me! I totally feel your frustration. While I look back and think "I wasted so much time in a bottle", today it's different. I have the rest of my life to do what I want.

It's not just about being sober. To me that is a finality. I'm sober, *****!!!!! But then what? Keep climbing, that's what I'm going to do.

Fire, I hope that you can move through this and find what your true calling is for YOU!!!! You're sober, that's great and you deserve all of the things in life that you've ever wanted. I wish you the best!!

Rusty Zipper

its said, you cant teach a old dog now tricks!

Bull

you can...

with kindness, understanding, hard work, time and love!

Gypsy Feet

I am learning to be happy from within. That being said, when I quit drinking I ran out of "friends". I am thinking of places to meet a new kind of friend, whether its a recovery room or in a volunteer situation. To much time spent alone in front of a computer can be bad!!
When are we going for that banana split?