recovery with your partner?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3
recovery with your partner?
Hello, all. Happy Monday. Today is day three for me.
I need some advice.
My partner of three years and I have been steadily sliding downward in our life together--because of alcohol. We decided about a month ago to work together at "managing" our drinking--trying to only have one glass of wine with dinner, two beers at the party, etc.
But then everything came to a violent head this weekend: a terrible, drunken fight that made us both realize--when we woke up the next morning--that we have a drinking problem and we have to quit entirely.
My question is: is this a bad idea? I've heard/read that one should be single when trying to recover. But at the same time, wouldn't a supportive, mutually-recovering partner be good? I'm in a lot of pain right now and don't have anyone--but him--to talk to about this.
Please help!
Thank you,
Adeline
I need some advice.
My partner of three years and I have been steadily sliding downward in our life together--because of alcohol. We decided about a month ago to work together at "managing" our drinking--trying to only have one glass of wine with dinner, two beers at the party, etc.
But then everything came to a violent head this weekend: a terrible, drunken fight that made us both realize--when we woke up the next morning--that we have a drinking problem and we have to quit entirely.
My question is: is this a bad idea? I've heard/read that one should be single when trying to recover. But at the same time, wouldn't a supportive, mutually-recovering partner be good? I'm in a lot of pain right now and don't have anyone--but him--to talk to about this.
Please help!
Thank you,
Adeline
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you have found that managing/controlling your drinking doesn't work. That's a big step.
In my opinion, getting sober requires so much energy and motivation, that focusing on someone else's recovery would not be a good idea. Yes, there would be mutual support, but what if you or the other person relapsed or quit recovery? It could have a profound effect on the other person.
I hope you keep reading and posting and you'll find lots of support here.
I'm glad you have found that managing/controlling your drinking doesn't work. That's a big step.
In my opinion, getting sober requires so much energy and motivation, that focusing on someone else's recovery would not be a good idea. Yes, there would be mutual support, but what if you or the other person relapsed or quit recovery? It could have a profound effect on the other person.
I hope you keep reading and posting and you'll find lots of support here.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
It would be nice to be in recovery with one's partner, but recovery must be YOUR journey first and foremost. Have you considered giving AA a shot? Lots of face to face support there. Lots of support here too, just not face to face. Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Recover individually... separate but together... so many un-healthy processes could occur...
It's not a contest.
You are recovering for yourself, not for anyone else.
Your recovery should not depend on the other's.
You are responsible only for your own recovery.
Relapses happen, they don't have to, but if they do with one partner how will that effect the relationship? Sobriety?
I think... go for it. But it's a personal... not a joint journey... it ain't a 1040
Thanx for posting. My wife is non A and that's hard enough... although it might be nice to have a partner who REALLY understands, but I don't know if it would be a net positive????
Mark
It's not a contest.
You are recovering for yourself, not for anyone else.
Your recovery should not depend on the other's.
You are responsible only for your own recovery.
Relapses happen, they don't have to, but if they do with one partner how will that effect the relationship? Sobriety?
I think... go for it. But it's a personal... not a joint journey... it ain't a 1040
Thanx for posting. My wife is non A and that's hard enough... although it might be nice to have a partner who REALLY understands, but I don't know if it would be a net positive????
Mark
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3
Aa
least: I don't think AA would work for me because I'm agnostic. I don't believe in ANY higher power, unless one could consider oneself and the ones they love a higher power. I can't seem to find a good alternative to AA, a recovery program that has proven success but doesn't rely on religion or spirituality.
Any suggestions??
And thanks to all who have read and who have posted. It means so much to know people who understand are out there and even care enough to respond.
Any suggestions??
And thanks to all who have read and who have posted. It means so much to know people who understand are out there and even care enough to respond.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by AdelineWoolf 
least: I don't think AA would work for me because I'm agnostic. I don't believe in ANY higher power, unless one could consider oneself and the ones they love a higher power. I can't seem to find a good alternative to AA, a recovery program that has proven success but doesn't rely on religion or spirituality.
Any suggestions??
And thanks to all who have read and who have posted. It means so much to know people who understand are out there and even care enough to respond.
Any suggestions??
And thanks to all who have read and who have posted. It means so much to know people who understand are out there and even care enough to respond.
I've known many AA folks who've used that definition of God.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by AdelineWoolf
unless one could consider oneself and the ones they love a higher power
There is a secular recovery section here on SR, check it out!
AA is not the only solution, for many it's a damn good one... But there are definitely others...
Mark
Last edited by Mark75; 04-20-2009 at 07:59 AM. Reason: typo
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Adeline welcome to SR, what you have heard it is not a good idea to try and start NEW relationships when one is in early recovery.
The most important thing really is to focus on ones own recovery only. Nothing wrong with supporting each other as long as you do not hang your recovery on the other persons recovery.
BTW you may want to do some more checking out of AA as a possibility, I personally know both aethiest and agnostics who have had great success staying sober using AA. There is an entire chapter in the Book Alcoholics Anonymous titled "We Agnostics".
One of my sponsee's who will have 2 years the 24th started out as an agnostic and is now an aethiest, he had little trouble finding a HP of his understanding.
One thing I will say that is essential no matter what program of recovery you choose is in order for ANY program to stand a chance of workiing one must work it.
One must be Honest, Open Minded, & willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober.
Try not to do any major changes in early sobriety, just learning to stay sober and live life on lifes terms sober is enough of a challenge with out throwing a seperation or a new relationship on top of it all.
I've heard/read that one should be single when trying to recover.
The most important thing really is to focus on ones own recovery only. Nothing wrong with supporting each other as long as you do not hang your recovery on the other persons recovery.
BTW you may want to do some more checking out of AA as a possibility, I personally know both aethiest and agnostics who have had great success staying sober using AA. There is an entire chapter in the Book Alcoholics Anonymous titled "We Agnostics".
One of my sponsee's who will have 2 years the 24th started out as an agnostic and is now an aethiest, he had little trouble finding a HP of his understanding.
One thing I will say that is essential no matter what program of recovery you choose is in order for ANY program to stand a chance of workiing one must work it.
One must be Honest, Open Minded, & willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober.
Try not to do any major changes in early sobriety, just learning to stay sober and live life on lifes terms sober is enough of a challenge with out throwing a seperation or a new relationship on top of it all.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Adeline,
Congratulations on your decision to get sober! That is wonderful.
I also have a normie for a spouse but I have many friends in AA that are couples. It is amazing really. In my community I have at least 5 couples that are friends that are in recovery together.
What I have heard from them is that it is important that they work their own separate program of recovery and that they have their own support (sponsors) that are separate from their spouse.
I think choosing a f2f program of recovery to work is vital. I also know many in AA who do not believe in "God". Keep reading, posting and find what is going to work for you.
Good luck!
Congratulations on your decision to get sober! That is wonderful.
I also have a normie for a spouse but I have many friends in AA that are couples. It is amazing really. In my community I have at least 5 couples that are friends that are in recovery together.
What I have heard from them is that it is important that they work their own separate program of recovery and that they have their own support (sponsors) that are separate from their spouse.
I think choosing a f2f program of recovery to work is vital. I also know many in AA who do not believe in "God". Keep reading, posting and find what is going to work for you.
Good luck!
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
My parents got sober together, now on my own sobriety path, I often envy the support they've been to each other.. HOWEVER.. niether one relapsed, they've stayed strong together, I can see how this could be really difficult had anything other than just never drinking again had happened.
My husband drinks, occasionally.. no issues there. At first I thought it would be 'easier' if he quit too, and he mostly has (in the house, around me), but this is my thing.. and I'm awfully glad I've not been involved in or distracted by anyone else's recovery.
My husband drinks, occasionally.. no issues there. At first I thought it would be 'easier' if he quit too, and he mostly has (in the house, around me), but this is my thing.. and I'm awfully glad I've not been involved in or distracted by anyone else's recovery.
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