A Step in the Right Direction....and I am full of hope!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3
A Step in the Right Direction....and I am full of hope!
I have been lurking on here for awhile, however this is my first post. My spouse uses marijuana and we have recently discovered that our child has a problem with it as well. We have our child in treatment right now.
My husband states that our child HAS a problem, however HE does not.....it (the pot) "helps" him! While I know that he truly has been in denial so long that he, himself beleives what he says when he makes statement like that. I do NOT agree, I can clearly see that he IS an addict. I gave him a choice a few nights ago...the pot, or his family. Begrudgingly, he threw his box of "stuff" in the trash, albeit...NOT happy about it. He stated that he would resent me and out child bc he is having to quit bc we are forcing him to do so. At first, I thought this was progress. However, after reading for hours, and hours on here. I changed my mind.
Last night, since the trash had yet to be picked up. I went and got his box of "stuff" of the trash and placed it in the garage. I very calmly, and loving asked him to come with me outside. He looked at the box and asked what in the world I was doing!! I said..."I love you, and I need to tell you a few things. I have to give you the dignity to make your own choices, no matter how poor I feel that they are. By making the choice for you to quit or forcing you to do so, is an attempt to control you....I am telling you that you aren't capable of making your own decisions, and that is not fair. I didn't cause you to smoke, I can't control you doing it, and I can't cure it......Only YOU can, my dear. Your box of stuff should only go into the trash when YOU have made the decision to do so.........HOWEVER, you need to know that all that being said, Ihave the right to determine what I will and will not tolerate in my life." I was pleasant, and he was stunned. Why was I pleasant??? Because I have truly found peace in knowing that I no longer have to be consummed by my husband's addiction....I have discovered that all I have to worry about and concentrate on is ME...and my kids, of course. What a weight lifted off my shoulders. I have thought for so long that I could make this stop and go away and could control HIM. I cannot and truly, truly, truly coming to terms with that has given me a joy and relief that I cannot describe. After reading and reading and reading on here, I decided that I needed to get back into my church (I quit going when we married bc he didn't attend). I decided that I needed to try going to an Al-Anon group as well to find supportive people to be around, too.
Well.....TODAY, I took the first step. I got my butt out of bed, put on a nice outfit, did my hair and make-up, got my younger son all together and we both attended a Sunday School Class and a worship service. I was a little intimidated at first bc this is a very big church, and I knew not one person. But I knew I could do this. I found a wonderful lady "greeter" as we entered and I simply introduced ourselves and asked if she could direct me to where we need to go. She escourted us both to the rooms we needed. In the worship service, she found we and greeted me again, telling me how glad she was that I decided to come and hoped I would return. I told her that I was sure that I would. I felt such a peace during the couple of hours that I felt I was among "friends", although, I knew none of them personally. They hold Al-Anon meetings on Wednesday nights. I WILL be there. That will be a little scarier for me, because that will be the first time I am truly admitting that there is a major problem in my family to others. I have managed to hide, and enable my husband's problem for a long time. While, I am not ready to call all my friends and say hey...guess what??? I am ready to confront this issue with people who will truly understand where I am with this, as they are or have been there too.
My husband asked last night..."Was I going to leave or divorce him??" I told him I could not answer right then. I do love him, I just am not interested in continuing living like I have been any longer. He seems to want to "talk" about all of this...sometimes he's rational and calm, and other times, when I think that he can sense that I am not the same...he gets angry. Before when that would happen, I would allow myself to be his whipping-post. Almost, like I deserved the nasty things that he would say to me, or even worse, beleive when he would tell me I was the one at fault for everything that has ever went wrong. He cannot take one ounce of accountability for himself. When this has started up these past few days, I don't allow myself to get sucked into the conversation. I don't ask many times.."if everything is okay with him" like I used to. I assume if it's not, he will let me know. I feel like such an incredible weight has been taken off of me. I have to concentrate on me...so I can be the healthiest mom I can for my kids. Especially when my child returns from treatment. I have several months before that happens, but will have a plan in place before that day. I beleive that my first step was today, in finding a church family and support system that I will know I need when the day comes that I will have to put my husband out and on his way to hitting his "rock bottom". I now realize...that's the only thing that will make him quit for himself. His mom has enabled him his whole life....so I also have to come to grips with the fact that he may never hit "rock bottom" because his mother may never allow him to. She is an incredible enabler...all of her three children have one form of addiction...for all family dinners, etc...she always provides the alcoholic their drink of choice, and PLENTY of it???? However, I also know I cannot control what she does......only ME!
Thanks for "listening" and for all of the incredible support on this site.
My husband states that our child HAS a problem, however HE does not.....it (the pot) "helps" him! While I know that he truly has been in denial so long that he, himself beleives what he says when he makes statement like that. I do NOT agree, I can clearly see that he IS an addict. I gave him a choice a few nights ago...the pot, or his family. Begrudgingly, he threw his box of "stuff" in the trash, albeit...NOT happy about it. He stated that he would resent me and out child bc he is having to quit bc we are forcing him to do so. At first, I thought this was progress. However, after reading for hours, and hours on here. I changed my mind.
Last night, since the trash had yet to be picked up. I went and got his box of "stuff" of the trash and placed it in the garage. I very calmly, and loving asked him to come with me outside. He looked at the box and asked what in the world I was doing!! I said..."I love you, and I need to tell you a few things. I have to give you the dignity to make your own choices, no matter how poor I feel that they are. By making the choice for you to quit or forcing you to do so, is an attempt to control you....I am telling you that you aren't capable of making your own decisions, and that is not fair. I didn't cause you to smoke, I can't control you doing it, and I can't cure it......Only YOU can, my dear. Your box of stuff should only go into the trash when YOU have made the decision to do so.........HOWEVER, you need to know that all that being said, Ihave the right to determine what I will and will not tolerate in my life." I was pleasant, and he was stunned. Why was I pleasant??? Because I have truly found peace in knowing that I no longer have to be consummed by my husband's addiction....I have discovered that all I have to worry about and concentrate on is ME...and my kids, of course. What a weight lifted off my shoulders. I have thought for so long that I could make this stop and go away and could control HIM. I cannot and truly, truly, truly coming to terms with that has given me a joy and relief that I cannot describe. After reading and reading and reading on here, I decided that I needed to get back into my church (I quit going when we married bc he didn't attend). I decided that I needed to try going to an Al-Anon group as well to find supportive people to be around, too.
Well.....TODAY, I took the first step. I got my butt out of bed, put on a nice outfit, did my hair and make-up, got my younger son all together and we both attended a Sunday School Class and a worship service. I was a little intimidated at first bc this is a very big church, and I knew not one person. But I knew I could do this. I found a wonderful lady "greeter" as we entered and I simply introduced ourselves and asked if she could direct me to where we need to go. She escourted us both to the rooms we needed. In the worship service, she found we and greeted me again, telling me how glad she was that I decided to come and hoped I would return. I told her that I was sure that I would. I felt such a peace during the couple of hours that I felt I was among "friends", although, I knew none of them personally. They hold Al-Anon meetings on Wednesday nights. I WILL be there. That will be a little scarier for me, because that will be the first time I am truly admitting that there is a major problem in my family to others. I have managed to hide, and enable my husband's problem for a long time. While, I am not ready to call all my friends and say hey...guess what??? I am ready to confront this issue with people who will truly understand where I am with this, as they are or have been there too.
My husband asked last night..."Was I going to leave or divorce him??" I told him I could not answer right then. I do love him, I just am not interested in continuing living like I have been any longer. He seems to want to "talk" about all of this...sometimes he's rational and calm, and other times, when I think that he can sense that I am not the same...he gets angry. Before when that would happen, I would allow myself to be his whipping-post. Almost, like I deserved the nasty things that he would say to me, or even worse, beleive when he would tell me I was the one at fault for everything that has ever went wrong. He cannot take one ounce of accountability for himself. When this has started up these past few days, I don't allow myself to get sucked into the conversation. I don't ask many times.."if everything is okay with him" like I used to. I assume if it's not, he will let me know. I feel like such an incredible weight has been taken off of me. I have to concentrate on me...so I can be the healthiest mom I can for my kids. Especially when my child returns from treatment. I have several months before that happens, but will have a plan in place before that day. I beleive that my first step was today, in finding a church family and support system that I will know I need when the day comes that I will have to put my husband out and on his way to hitting his "rock bottom". I now realize...that's the only thing that will make him quit for himself. His mom has enabled him his whole life....so I also have to come to grips with the fact that he may never hit "rock bottom" because his mother may never allow him to. She is an incredible enabler...all of her three children have one form of addiction...for all family dinners, etc...she always provides the alcoholic their drink of choice, and PLENTY of it???? However, I also know I cannot control what she does......only ME!
Thanks for "listening" and for all of the incredible support on this site.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hooray for you, iwillnotenable!!!!!!!!
:ghug3
You're doing wonderfully. Keep posting and keep "plugged in" to your own needs, dreams, goals, and boundaries, and you will be just fine.
:ghug3
You're doing wonderfully. Keep posting and keep "plugged in" to your own needs, dreams, goals, and boundaries, and you will be just fine.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
*DeVon climbs on her chair and waves her pompoms wildly*
It's like the weight of the world comes off our shoulders when we let them own their 'stuff' and we get on with the business of living for ourselves, isn't it?
Welcome to SR! :ghug :ghug
It's like the weight of the world comes off our shoulders when we let them own their 'stuff' and we get on with the business of living for ourselves, isn't it?
Welcome to SR! :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Wow, your first post is so very self-reflective and mature!
It took me years to understand what you wrote and I still struggle with it.
Welcome! I look forward to hearing your insights in the future.
It took me years to understand what you wrote and I still struggle with it.
Welcome! I look forward to hearing your insights in the future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3
Thanks Everyone!
GNS....I apprciate your kind words, but please understand it has taken me too a LONG time to realize my behavior!! I may have only been reading on here for the past few days, and only posted once...but this issue with my husband is NOT new!! It took putting my child in treatment to help me on my way to getting my "gut full" of my husband's antics! I have not been happy for a long time, I have enabled and hid his habits from my family since we have been married. I can tell you that alot of this is common sense when you step back and look at it from the outside looking in, or at someone else's issue. It's harder accepting that addiction is a problem within your family.
I have lost myself in the process, but thank God I am determined to be who I was before I had the life sucked out of me! I could continue to allow it to happen, or not. I am choosing NOT!
GNS....I apprciate your kind words, but please understand it has taken me too a LONG time to realize my behavior!! I may have only been reading on here for the past few days, and only posted once...but this issue with my husband is NOT new!! It took putting my child in treatment to help me on my way to getting my "gut full" of my husband's antics! I have not been happy for a long time, I have enabled and hid his habits from my family since we have been married. I can tell you that alot of this is common sense when you step back and look at it from the outside looking in, or at someone else's issue. It's harder accepting that addiction is a problem within your family.
I have lost myself in the process, but thank God I am determined to be who I was before I had the life sucked out of me! I could continue to allow it to happen, or not. I am choosing NOT!
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