Need support

Old 04-19-2009, 11:57 AM
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Need support

Hi All,
I just started posting here this week. I've been to three Al-anon meetings and looking for ways to start detaching and setting boundaries.
This weekend my 18 year old addicted daughter went to a NA conference with a friend who has a year clean. I thought this was a good way for her to see that people who are clean can have fun and socialize. (socializing is her big reason to use).
I just got a phone call that she has been arrested for shoplifting. I told her friend who called that it's okay and not his fault and that she has to learn the hard way about consequences. I am very calm right now. The conference was in another state, two hours away. My daughter doesn't know anyone there. I am sure she will call me eventually.
So, tell me what do I say when she calls? How do I "lovingly" tell her she is on her own? How do I not lecture her, which is what I am inclined to do at any opportunity? I wish I had had more time with meetings before this happened but I guess God had another plan. I am giving her to Him but I need words to get me through the phone calls.
Thanks,
Rose
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Old 04-19-2009, 12:33 PM
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Daughter, I'm sorry to hear of what happened, I love you, and I'm sure you will figure out a way to handle this. *click*

I'm an old battle axe when it comes to tough love. My oldest AD put me through the wringer.

I don't lecture, and she doesn't even call me anymore when she ends up in jail (which has happened frequently) because she knows I won't enable her anymore.
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Old 04-19-2009, 12:39 PM
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Rose,
My son has been in jail 3 x's with a current outstanding warrant. On the advise of his lawyer, the first 2 x's, I bailed him out. The 3rd time he was arrested, his father called me and told me not to bail him out and I totally agreed. His father went the very next day and bailed him out. If I had to do it all over again, I would have never bailed him out the first time. He has never had to suffer the consequences of his bad decisions and maybe he would not be in the extremely bad situation that he is currently in, had I not enabled him. When she calls, tell her that she now has consequences to pay for her bad decisions. Bet she doesn't do it again.
Signed,
A loving mother who is learning from her own mistakes.
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Old 04-19-2009, 12:46 PM
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I agree with Freedom, it will be the hardest thing you have ever said, but it is best for her. When I told rehab to take my son to a homeless shelter I felt a part of myself die and I pray I never have to say anything like that again but I don't count on it. Stay strong my prayers are with you.
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:14 PM
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Thanks so much to all who replied. I will not bail her out or help her weasel out of the consequences.
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by wrkinrose View Post
Thanks so much to all who replied. I will not bail her out or help her weasel out of the consequences.
Good for you! I'm glad to hear you are attending Alanon-it surely was a lifesaver for me.

I think tough love goes against so many instincts we have as mothers, and I can appreciate how difficult it can be for someone new to all of this!

:ghug :ghug
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:41 PM
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wrkinrose

Just stopped in to tell you I care. I know how hard this stuff is. Take care of you.

Gotahavfaith
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Old 04-19-2009, 05:43 PM
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to bail or not to bail....(sorry, the English teacher in me) I have done both. Which probably accounts for the fact that my AS is still waffling between addiction and not. Yes, I like to blame myself for everything. Sounds like letting her experience this is the best route. You seem to be doing well so keep focusing on your recovery.
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Old 04-19-2009, 05:59 PM
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Well, guess who walked in the back door 30 minutes ago? Yep, the AD. Seems it was the girl with her who was stealing and she wasn't doing anything wrong. Hmmmm. I'm not buying it but no legal consequences soooo. It did give me the opportunity to give her the choice of actively working on recovery or leaving here. Thanks everyone again.
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