Been gone for a long time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Been gone for a long time
Hi Everyone that remembers me...
To those that do not.......To sum everything up I have been in a relationship with my alcoholic bf(now exbf)for 5 yrs. I used to type on here for a while almost everyday and was growing in my recovery from being codependent untill I got a call one day from the exabf and I relapsed and went back. He wanted help and I believed him and he went into rehab for the second time. He was living with some of his friends and they basically kicked him out and all he had was me!!! I took him back because I thought that he had seen the light and now was the time for him to shine. Well he went to rehab for a month and I was amazed at the words that came from his mouth. It seemed like this was going to be our chance to have a healthy relationship and that is what it was untill about 3 months later. He was seeing a counselor and so was I and his family and we all thought everything was going ok. New attitude on his part and a new beginning!!! I was on top of the world. We both were!!!! He had lost his job and had went to rehab BUT the couselor told me that he needed sobriety first and then he could take on a job. I was ok with that for a while but then it started to go on to long and I got frustrated. I got up for work everyday making an honest living and he basically did his thing sober(so I thought). He was hiding it...not much drinking at first but gradually it became worse and worse. I had resenment toward him.... I wanted to give him the time to heal but in my heart I new that he was going behind my back(gut instincts!!!)
He was out of rehab in Aug of 2008 and jobless but trying to become sober and for the most part we were "ok". Well in Jan 2009 he started Paramedic school and was working part time. I thought well ok so I am going to forget about the past months of not having a job(it was his healing time...though he drank on occasion...so i thought). Well he started school and went for about 2 weeks and then I found out he had quit!!! So a light bulb clicked on and I was like omg but I stayed b/c he was so pissed at himself for messing things up. He stopped drinking for a little while and our relationship was still shaky but he had other plans to get back on track. I gave him yet another chance. Well eventually the drinking started to become more and more with so much time on his hands and we started fighting and fighting more often.
About a month ago I caught him drinking and I bascially told him to get all of his things out of my house and leave me alone forever. I was done but yet we all know how loneliness creeps back in and I started talking with him again. We decided that we needed time apart (but not a break up)for him to work on himself and for me to work on myself. I was ok with just talking with him from time to time untill today. I talked with him on last Wednesday and I told him that i needed to get things straight with myself so I was going back to see the counselor that we both go to and that I have went to in the past. He was excited b/c he had told me that he was doing better and he really liked our counselor(which in the past he hated). I knew that he still drank on occasion but from what I heard from his counselor that was expected for someone to recover. His mom even tried reassuring by saying that she expected him to drink from time to time.
Ok so I thought this is part of his recovery. He is giong faithfully to his counselor and he even told me that he knows that if he does not give up drinking for good that he is going to die at a very early age. Well I recieved a call from him on Thursday and he left me a message saying that he knew I was going to see the counselor and he started the message by saying " Hey I know that you are going to see the counselor on next Tuesday....do me a favor..... I have loved you so much for 5 yrs and I have a ton of respect for you and still care about you soo much....please do not mention that I still drink from time to time. My family and the counselor think that I am not drinking and all and my family is happy with me and so is my counselor and I don't want them to know. Well me being the nice codependent person I called him back and told him that I would not say anything.
Then I started thinking about it.....is this benefiting me or him by lying to the counselor. So I called him this morning and told him how I felt and he got really angry with me and said that he had to let me go and that he would call me after his weekly session with his counselor. I asked him if we could possibly hang out tonight and he said maybe....i will think about it and call me back later.
I never heard from him tonight. He says that he does want this to work but in my heart I know that he does not really care like he should.
That all being said......I have decided to go no contact from here on out. I will not return his phone calls and I will not answer the door if he comes back. I will be 29 next week and I am SOOOO TIRED of watching life go by with me sitting on the bench while everyone else plays the game of life.
I know that this is long.....and I am sorry but please pray for me that I will be strong enough to move on from this. I have come along way in my recovery b/c if you read my first post on here I thought that I was the reason for his drinking. I know now that he is the one with the problem and I am the one that has it together and that I deserve soooo much more from a person.
I will contnue to type but I am saying goodbye to my alcoholic once and for all!! I feel that I deserve so much more out of life and I am not willing to spend another minute of my life being treated like I don't matter!!!!
To those that do not.......To sum everything up I have been in a relationship with my alcoholic bf(now exbf)for 5 yrs. I used to type on here for a while almost everyday and was growing in my recovery from being codependent untill I got a call one day from the exabf and I relapsed and went back. He wanted help and I believed him and he went into rehab for the second time. He was living with some of his friends and they basically kicked him out and all he had was me!!! I took him back because I thought that he had seen the light and now was the time for him to shine. Well he went to rehab for a month and I was amazed at the words that came from his mouth. It seemed like this was going to be our chance to have a healthy relationship and that is what it was untill about 3 months later. He was seeing a counselor and so was I and his family and we all thought everything was going ok. New attitude on his part and a new beginning!!! I was on top of the world. We both were!!!! He had lost his job and had went to rehab BUT the couselor told me that he needed sobriety first and then he could take on a job. I was ok with that for a while but then it started to go on to long and I got frustrated. I got up for work everyday making an honest living and he basically did his thing sober(so I thought). He was hiding it...not much drinking at first but gradually it became worse and worse. I had resenment toward him.... I wanted to give him the time to heal but in my heart I new that he was going behind my back(gut instincts!!!)
He was out of rehab in Aug of 2008 and jobless but trying to become sober and for the most part we were "ok". Well in Jan 2009 he started Paramedic school and was working part time. I thought well ok so I am going to forget about the past months of not having a job(it was his healing time...though he drank on occasion...so i thought). Well he started school and went for about 2 weeks and then I found out he had quit!!! So a light bulb clicked on and I was like omg but I stayed b/c he was so pissed at himself for messing things up. He stopped drinking for a little while and our relationship was still shaky but he had other plans to get back on track. I gave him yet another chance. Well eventually the drinking started to become more and more with so much time on his hands and we started fighting and fighting more often.
About a month ago I caught him drinking and I bascially told him to get all of his things out of my house and leave me alone forever. I was done but yet we all know how loneliness creeps back in and I started talking with him again. We decided that we needed time apart (but not a break up)for him to work on himself and for me to work on myself. I was ok with just talking with him from time to time untill today. I talked with him on last Wednesday and I told him that i needed to get things straight with myself so I was going back to see the counselor that we both go to and that I have went to in the past. He was excited b/c he had told me that he was doing better and he really liked our counselor(which in the past he hated). I knew that he still drank on occasion but from what I heard from his counselor that was expected for someone to recover. His mom even tried reassuring by saying that she expected him to drink from time to time.
Ok so I thought this is part of his recovery. He is giong faithfully to his counselor and he even told me that he knows that if he does not give up drinking for good that he is going to die at a very early age. Well I recieved a call from him on Thursday and he left me a message saying that he knew I was going to see the counselor and he started the message by saying " Hey I know that you are going to see the counselor on next Tuesday....do me a favor..... I have loved you so much for 5 yrs and I have a ton of respect for you and still care about you soo much....please do not mention that I still drink from time to time. My family and the counselor think that I am not drinking and all and my family is happy with me and so is my counselor and I don't want them to know. Well me being the nice codependent person I called him back and told him that I would not say anything.
Then I started thinking about it.....is this benefiting me or him by lying to the counselor. So I called him this morning and told him how I felt and he got really angry with me and said that he had to let me go and that he would call me after his weekly session with his counselor. I asked him if we could possibly hang out tonight and he said maybe....i will think about it and call me back later.
I never heard from him tonight. He says that he does want this to work but in my heart I know that he does not really care like he should.
That all being said......I have decided to go no contact from here on out. I will not return his phone calls and I will not answer the door if he comes back. I will be 29 next week and I am SOOOO TIRED of watching life go by with me sitting on the bench while everyone else plays the game of life.
I know that this is long.....and I am sorry but please pray for me that I will be strong enough to move on from this. I have come along way in my recovery b/c if you read my first post on here I thought that I was the reason for his drinking. I know now that he is the one with the problem and I am the one that has it together and that I deserve soooo much more from a person.
I will contnue to type but I am saying goodbye to my alcoholic once and for all!! I feel that I deserve so much more out of life and I am not willing to spend another minute of my life being treated like I don't matter!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 159
WOW you sure have your plate full but you are handling it well and seems to be aware of what is really going on.Yea for you on moving forward!! I know it's very hard because I've wasted almost 20 yrs. with my alcoholic/crack addict husband. I truly regret that I didn't leave sooner!!! Who knows where I would be today if I had just let him go and stop enabling him and making things easier for him. Why should they not have to live life like normal people and get to duck responsibilities because of their acciction/problem? I know one reason is we have a teenage son together and out of guilt. I still feel sorry for his situtation but ya know what - they are his decisions and all decisions/actions have consequences.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Wow....I read every word of your post, and I could have written the same thing.....letting go is really HARD. I'm sure others with more experince will be along shortly with more stable advise. I'm like you, still falling for the quacking.....ugh. Let's face it, these guys are masters at the manipulation game. We are nice, loving people, and they take advantage of our sweet personalities.
You asked for prayers, and that is one thing I CAN do for you. And may God bless your situation, give you strenghth & insight to make the right desicions, etc.
You asked for prayers, and that is one thing I CAN do for you. And may God bless your situation, give you strenghth & insight to make the right desicions, etc.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
designer-
you're counseling sessions are to address your co-dependency issues with your ABF. to not speak of his drinking during your session is silly. that's why you are there! because his drinking is making your life unmanageable. you need to think of your own healing.
if he doesn't like it, well too bad.
i don't see how this issue will go away unless he gets a different therapist, one he can lie to. but then, what's the point? why go to therapy and lie to the therapist?
his doesn't sound like the attitude of someone in sincere recovery.
aren't you tired yet of his lies? why do you participate in them?
naive
you're counseling sessions are to address your co-dependency issues with your ABF. to not speak of his drinking during your session is silly. that's why you are there! because his drinking is making your life unmanageable. you need to think of your own healing.
if he doesn't like it, well too bad.
i don't see how this issue will go away unless he gets a different therapist, one he can lie to. but then, what's the point? why go to therapy and lie to the therapist?
his doesn't sound like the attitude of someone in sincere recovery.
aren't you tired yet of his lies? why do you participate in them?
naive
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 10
I have my first counseling session on Wednesday and what was the first thing my AH said to me?
"Don't tell him that I drink and take Ativan, I don't want him to get me in trouble with my doctor."
Like my therapist will call up my AH's doctor and tell him! Give me a break!
They are only concerned with themselves and protecting their ability to continue abusing alcohol and/or drugs. It doesn't matter one whit how much we love them or how much of our lives we sacrifice for them.
Their addiction comes first.
I will keep you in my prayers,
overture
"Don't tell him that I drink and take Ativan, I don't want him to get me in trouble with my doctor."
Like my therapist will call up my AH's doctor and tell him! Give me a break!
They are only concerned with themselves and protecting their ability to continue abusing alcohol and/or drugs. It doesn't matter one whit how much we love them or how much of our lives we sacrifice for them.
Their addiction comes first.
I will keep you in my prayers,
overture
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Designer, did you notice that what made you decide you had enough was when he didn't call back?
My interpretation is that what bothered you the most in all of that was the "rejection" of him not calling back (believe me, been there, done that).
What that means to me is that you are still very invested in his "affirmation". I don't have any good advice, except that I worry that his attention and affirmation still hold a lot of power for you.
I wish you lots of healing and strength and knowing how wonderful you are!! That is what is helping me take back my need to affirmed by others.
My interpretation is that what bothered you the most in all of that was the "rejection" of him not calling back (believe me, been there, done that).
What that means to me is that you are still very invested in his "affirmation". I don't have any good advice, except that I worry that his attention and affirmation still hold a lot of power for you.
I wish you lots of healing and strength and knowing how wonderful you are!! That is what is helping me take back my need to affirmed by others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Designer, did you notice that what made you decide you had enough was when he didn't call back?
My interpretation is that what bothered you the most in all of that was the "rejection" of him not calling back (believe me, been there, done that).
What that means to me is that you are still very invested in his "affirmation". I don't have any good advice, except that I worry that his attention and affirmation still hold a lot of power for you.
My interpretation is that what bothered you the most in all of that was the "rejection" of him not calling back (believe me, been there, done that).
What that means to me is that you are still very invested in his "affirmation". I don't have any good advice, except that I worry that his attention and affirmation still hold a lot of power for you.
I am TIRED of watching others be happy and live there life to the fullest with someone while I sit at home wondering if he is going to call me back or if he will ever get completly sober so we can continue on with our lives.
I have been a wonderful supportive girlfriend for him for the past 5 yrs and he says that he loves me and cares for me so much but has no interest in seeing me(well he does but it is on his own time...never mine).
What have I been thinking all this time?
I don't know....for the first time in a long time I am angry and really actually excited about moving on. I am standing up for myself once and for all!!!!
Question in life is WHAT DO I WANT?
I am putting myself first.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Love is an action verb. He parrots the words "I love you" and then drinks, lies, uses you, manipulates you, and worse.
You don't deserve this, designer. I am glad you are going no contact, and I'd encourage you to attack the thing that drove you back to him in the first place: loneliness. Try to get out and rebuild your life, filling in the spaces he filled for you with other things. Things you love to do, people you love being around, new things you might want to learn to make more money, be happier, be more fulfilled. Exhaust yourself by diving into all of the stuff that makes you happy, as often as you can, every day. Try to make it so he can't get a foot in the door any more.
Because he's bad for you, and I think you know that now. Nothing at all is better than the crumbs he's thrown to you. And when you're a happier person, you attract better people to you -- I think you'll be surprised at what comes into your life
You don't deserve this, designer. I am glad you are going no contact, and I'd encourage you to attack the thing that drove you back to him in the first place: loneliness. Try to get out and rebuild your life, filling in the spaces he filled for you with other things. Things you love to do, people you love being around, new things you might want to learn to make more money, be happier, be more fulfilled. Exhaust yourself by diving into all of the stuff that makes you happy, as often as you can, every day. Try to make it so he can't get a foot in the door any more.
Because he's bad for you, and I think you know that now. Nothing at all is better than the crumbs he's thrown to you. And when you're a happier person, you attract better people to you -- I think you'll be surprised at what comes into your life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
I'd encourage you to attack the thing that drove you back to him in the first place: loneliness
Because he's bad for you, and I think you know that now. Nothing at all is better than the crumbs he's thrown to you.
Gosh I have missed this place....you guys are all so wonderful......See I even isolated myself from this place. Just like addicts do....except my addiction is this relationship.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Designer — I was on that merry-go-round for 27 years. So many chances he got, I'd lost count.
The only thing that worked for me was NO contact. No phone calls, no letters, no visits, no nothing. It gave me the time I needed to "stop spinning" to-to-speak! Healing time, reflecting time.
The only thing that worked for me was NO contact. No phone calls, no letters, no visits, no nothing. It gave me the time I needed to "stop spinning" to-to-speak! Healing time, reflecting time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome back! I came on in January and I am so much better for the support I've received here.
I think you've come a long way thus far even with his actions driving your journey. The decision now to go 'no contact' is finally YOU directing your life.
No more 'is he drinking?' 'when will he start working?' 'how much more time does he need?'. These questions have put the focus on him up until now.
Now the focus in on you!! BRAVO!!
I agree with what has been said about getting out into the world and discovering the things and people that interest you.
My best friend tells me that when she's tired at the end of the day because she fills her free time with friends and things she likes to do she doesn't even really feel tired per se. It's more like a feeling of being overfed and content. She doesn't have the time to feel lonely for a man and often wonders how she'll ever make time for one IF she ever finds one she likes. I often envy her that.
I can't wait to hear more as you move forward!
Alice
I think you've come a long way thus far even with his actions driving your journey. The decision now to go 'no contact' is finally YOU directing your life.
No more 'is he drinking?' 'when will he start working?' 'how much more time does he need?'. These questions have put the focus on him up until now.
Now the focus in on you!! BRAVO!!
I agree with what has been said about getting out into the world and discovering the things and people that interest you.
My best friend tells me that when she's tired at the end of the day because she fills her free time with friends and things she likes to do she doesn't even really feel tired per se. It's more like a feeling of being overfed and content. She doesn't have the time to feel lonely for a man and often wonders how she'll ever make time for one IF she ever finds one she likes. I often envy her that.
I can't wait to hear more as you move forward!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I agree with Alice. There were days when I really needed to get on with my life and I fought loneliness with everything I had: friends, family, movies, good work, volunteer work, exercise, self-care, massages, sports, events, classes......anything that brought me pleasure or even joy. I was a workaholic in a way, only the work was ME 
I literally fell into bed every night exhausted LOL But it was just the most perfect work to be doing on my self at that time, and it freed me from him.
I literally fell into bed every night exhausted LOL But it was just the most perfect work to be doing on my self at that time, and it freed me from him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Ok so here is a little update. I was in bed last night and my little sister who lives with me was coming home. She came inside and woke me up and told me that my exabf had just drove down the street(she was behind him) and then went down a side street(dead end). She came inside and looked out the window and saw him as he drove past again.
Then today I recieved a call saying he was sorry for not calling me back on Saturday and that he knows that we need to talk and to please call him back. I have not yet and it has been about 4 hrs that he called.
Some stupid part of me wants to call him back and reasure him that everything is ok.......BUT NO.....where was he when i wanted him to call me back. DID HE CARE? NO SO WHY DO I FEEL BAD RIGHT NOW?
Please Please say a prayer that I remain strong b/c I don't think that he is going to stop untill i talk with him. At this point I almost want to just call him and say lose my number b/c I know if we talk it is going to be hard for me.
I have to move on....period!!!
Then today I recieved a call saying he was sorry for not calling me back on Saturday and that he knows that we need to talk and to please call him back. I have not yet and it has been about 4 hrs that he called.
Some stupid part of me wants to call him back and reasure him that everything is ok.......BUT NO.....where was he when i wanted him to call me back. DID HE CARE? NO SO WHY DO I FEEL BAD RIGHT NOW?
Please Please say a prayer that I remain strong b/c I don't think that he is going to stop untill i talk with him. At this point I almost want to just call him and say lose my number b/c I know if we talk it is going to be hard for me.
I have to move on....period!!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by DESIGNER 
I pray that I can hold tight to this feeling!!!
Good for you for moving forward.
Your post reminded me of how I stayed a full weekend waiting for his call. On Monday he came all aloof acting as if everything was good... ughhh
I hated myself for staying there as an idiot, it felt SO high school...We matter, and very much, if others can't see that, well.... we do not need them in our lives
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Remember all the bad times and ALL what he has done, and know he will DO IT AGAIN...
:codiepolice
Designer, can't you block his number, and erase his number so you do not have the temptation to call? Also, ask any common friends not to talk about him with you.
:codiepolice
It will get easier with time!!
:codiepolice
:codiepolice
Designer, can't you block his number, and erase his number so you do not have the temptation to call? Also, ask any common friends not to talk about him with you.
:codiepolice
It will get easier with time!!
:codiepolice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Remember all the bad times and ALL what he has done, and know he will DO IT AGAIN...
Designer, can't you block his number, and erase his number so you do not have the temptation to call? Also, ask any common friends not to talk about him with you.
It will get easier with time!!
Designer, can't you block his number, and erase his number so you do not have the temptation to call? Also, ask any common friends not to talk about him with you.
It will get easier with time!!
I will remain strong at least for today.....I am going to bed!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi Designer! I remember you and have wondered how you were doing. Trust me, it will get easier. I did not believe that myself not so long ago, but life without the alcoholic is so much better that you can imagine. Stay strong!
Big hugs to you!! You are in my prayers!
Big hugs to you!! You are in my prayers!
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