Trying to cope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Westland, Pennsylvania
Posts: 247
Trying to cope
Hello my friends I know what you are going to say but I just can't cope with my life the way it is right now. I looked at my husband this morning he and I are just here breathing no life at all. Today it is sunny and warm we sit here inside. We only go out to take out the garbage. We only go in the car to get food, get medicatiion, or go to the doctors. (Easter we did go to my sisters but had to fight with my self to get ready to go.) We sleep more than any one should sleep. Instead of going out to eat we order in. We have no laughs or anything to talk about. I don't know what he thinks about but all I think about is my dead son. I was a cleaning person now I leave dishs in the sink for days. I do nothing and don't want to do nothing have no get up and go at all. I was put on medication but their is no happy pill. Since my husband died last year and was brought back he is a different person he doesn't even talk the same. He takes
2 medications for depression and many more I have to tell him everything he has to do. I can't take care of me how can I take care of him. He can't drive anymore and he did all the driving before so we are selling our motor home because it is to big for me to drive. We are selling our camp place too. We were going to leave all this stuff to Jason when we died but guess not now. I feel like I have nothing more to live for but since I still have Danny to put through one more year of school he is a good boy but he has his life goes with friends all the time. It seems like he just eats and sleeps here. Tomorrow my boy will be dead 5 months the hardest 5 months of my life. I guess I had to cry to some one today and it happened to be all of you thanks for being here for me.
your friend
Maggiemac
2 medications for depression and many more I have to tell him everything he has to do. I can't take care of me how can I take care of him. He can't drive anymore and he did all the driving before so we are selling our motor home because it is to big for me to drive. We are selling our camp place too. We were going to leave all this stuff to Jason when we died but guess not now. I feel like I have nothing more to live for but since I still have Danny to put through one more year of school he is a good boy but he has his life goes with friends all the time. It seems like he just eats and sleeps here. Tomorrow my boy will be dead 5 months the hardest 5 months of my life. I guess I had to cry to some one today and it happened to be all of you thanks for being here for me.
your friend
Maggiemac
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Funny, that was the name of my thread when my dad died...
Maggie
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, but as I've been told, you'll get through it. Wishing you peaceful days ahead..
Jay
Maggie
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, but as I've been told, you'll get through it. Wishing you peaceful days ahead..
Jay
Last edited by JustAYak; 04-18-2009 at 03:02 PM.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((Maggie)))
I can't begin to imagine what you are going thru and won't pretend to try. My heart goes out to you and your family, and I hope soon some joy will come back to you. Grieving takes time.
Many many hugs and prayers coming your way!
:praying
I can't begin to imagine what you are going thru and won't pretend to try. My heart goes out to you and your family, and I hope soon some joy will come back to you. Grieving takes time.
Many many hugs and prayers coming your way!
:praying
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Aww MM - this isn't healthy - do you see that?? The only thing that I can say is look to your HP - pull yourself up by your bootstraps and LIVE! Easier said than done, but don't let your DS's death be in vain - fight for what is right. I know where you're at - though not really, but I've felt your dispair, hopelesness, lonliness. Don't give up -
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Maggie)))))
The things you are describing to me appear classic symptoms of depression. I know you said you are taking medication, but maybe it isn't the right one. I agree there is no happy pill when you lose a child, but medication can help you get to a point where at least you can function each day and try to move through the grieving process. Please talk to your doctor...Sometimes it takes trying a few different antidepressants before finding the one that helps. Also, perhaps you would consider a grief counselor. Someone who understands and can help you through the process.
It does take time, of course, for the raw pain of losing a child to start to ease, but I can only say for me, that being able to talk to people who understood what I was experiencing and finding the right anti-depressant to get me through that first year helped to make the unbearable more tolerable. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
The things you are describing to me appear classic symptoms of depression. I know you said you are taking medication, but maybe it isn't the right one. I agree there is no happy pill when you lose a child, but medication can help you get to a point where at least you can function each day and try to move through the grieving process. Please talk to your doctor...Sometimes it takes trying a few different antidepressants before finding the one that helps. Also, perhaps you would consider a grief counselor. Someone who understands and can help you through the process.
It does take time, of course, for the raw pain of losing a child to start to ease, but I can only say for me, that being able to talk to people who understood what I was experiencing and finding the right anti-depressant to get me through that first year helped to make the unbearable more tolerable. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Maggie,
Could you and your husband join a grief support group?
Sometimes we get stuck in grief and need some support and others who are our peers (also undergoing grief) to help us process through.
It is normal to have depression when grieving, but it should eventually make progress toward normality, and if it isn't, then you probably need some assistance with processing through your grief.
I'd encourage you to give it a try, even though you don't feel like it. The "don't feel like anything" is the depression drowning you.
Hugs,
CLMI
Could you and your husband join a grief support group?
Sometimes we get stuck in grief and need some support and others who are our peers (also undergoing grief) to help us process through.
It is normal to have depression when grieving, but it should eventually make progress toward normality, and if it isn't, then you probably need some assistance with processing through your grief.
I'd encourage you to give it a try, even though you don't feel like it. The "don't feel like anything" is the depression drowning you.
Hugs,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Missouri
Posts: 80
((((((Maggie)))))
You know I lost my brother Jan 30, which I know there is no comparison, you lost your child.
I am 43, I still work, my son is 15, so things are different for me, my hubby has to say come lets take a walk.
I really think you should talk to your doctor, there is no magic pill, but there are so many, I am sure he can try a different one, it might take time and you might have to try even a couple different ones, but please try.
Please try, your son would want you to, I say that because I know my brother what my brother would say to me.
I have had such a hard time with my thoughts, right now I think only of the bad and sad times. I am waiting for those to stop, I see him in the hospital those last days.
So this isn't about me, but I thought I would share that you are not alone.
One more thing, my little niece, my brothers 7 year old, she helps us because she doesnt really know bad times with her daddy, so ever once in awile she reminds us of something funny. Do you have people like that? Any of you sons friends, my brother had one real friend that I call sometimes.
Maggie is Danny your other child? I havent been around here much so I dont know all of the facts?
Please know that I am thinking of you, praying for you, I think SR is a great place for yu to come and let it out, we care.
hugs to you,
sisterofD
You know I lost my brother Jan 30, which I know there is no comparison, you lost your child.
I am 43, I still work, my son is 15, so things are different for me, my hubby has to say come lets take a walk.
I really think you should talk to your doctor, there is no magic pill, but there are so many, I am sure he can try a different one, it might take time and you might have to try even a couple different ones, but please try.
Please try, your son would want you to, I say that because I know my brother what my brother would say to me.
I have had such a hard time with my thoughts, right now I think only of the bad and sad times. I am waiting for those to stop, I see him in the hospital those last days.
So this isn't about me, but I thought I would share that you are not alone.
One more thing, my little niece, my brothers 7 year old, she helps us because she doesnt really know bad times with her daddy, so ever once in awile she reminds us of something funny. Do you have people like that? Any of you sons friends, my brother had one real friend that I call sometimes.
Maggie is Danny your other child? I havent been around here much so I dont know all of the facts?
Please know that I am thinking of you, praying for you, I think SR is a great place for yu to come and let it out, we care.
hugs to you,
sisterofD
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Westland, Pennsylvania
Posts: 247
thanks sister of D Danny in my son's boy he has lived with me and his pap since he was in 2nd grade he is 17now. Jason was my only child and since he died of a overdose my life is not the same. I tried to do things but have to fight with my self to get dressed. My husband is no help. He has a lot of problems since he died and they brough him back. He had to learn everything over walking, dressing, eating just like a child he is not 100% and don't think he will never be. So to me it is like losing 2 people my husband and my son.
Maggiemac
Maggiemac
God is leading the way!!!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 245
Thanks, Maggie
I wish I could do more for you like be your friend and help to carry you through this tough time. Just know that with time things will get easier and wont be as painful as they are now.
Your forever friend in SR Minerva:praying
PS. I too am in a relationship that all we share is the air we breathe everything else seems so empty and hopeless, I desire more...................
I wish I could do more for you like be your friend and help to carry you through this tough time. Just know that with time things will get easier and wont be as painful as they are now.
Your forever friend in SR Minerva:praying
PS. I too am in a relationship that all we share is the air we breathe everything else seems so empty and hopeless, I desire more...................
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Maggie,
I'm sorry you are having a "down" time. I do believe that with the passage of time, your "up" days will one day again dominate the down ones. That is how it goes with grief and loss. Yours is a natural loss, leading to a natural depression, coupled with your husband's burdens it must seem incredibly hard. You need to start carving out some "Maggie time", girl. I know you must feel sad that your son is no longer here and enjoying life, and that your husband is having a difficult time as well, but that doesn't mean that YOU can't find a moment here or there, Maggie, to spoil yourself and teach yourself the road out of depression just a little. You are certainly worth fighting for, sister, so if it helps you to look at it that way, then FIGHT for yourself. Even if it seems silly at the time, try to start doing some little "spoil Maggie" activities, even if your heart isn't into it at first. Trust me, I had several coaches talk me through this process when I was so depressed. I didn't have anything to lose so I tried it their way. Eventually, I did learn to enjoy life again and to have more good days than bad. A counselor could really help you on this path too, Maggie. You are so worth it; maybe try to find someone next week and commit yourself to a month or so's visits.
I also imagine a counselor could help put you in touch with spouses who are surviving their spouses illnesses or strokes or heart attacks, and how they deal with that loss and frustrations too. The more support groups you can surround yourself with, the better right now, Maggie. You know there have to be parents who have lost a child support groups out there as well. You just have to make the first move, Maggie, and do it just for YOU. Your husband can follow in time, but right now do it just for you.
Your grandson isn't going to be with you that much longer, Maggie. You want him to have good memories of grandma and pop. Start the ball rolling tomorrow, Maggie. You can do it. Fight for yourself!! Sending you hugs and prayers and support.
I'm sorry you are having a "down" time. I do believe that with the passage of time, your "up" days will one day again dominate the down ones. That is how it goes with grief and loss. Yours is a natural loss, leading to a natural depression, coupled with your husband's burdens it must seem incredibly hard. You need to start carving out some "Maggie time", girl. I know you must feel sad that your son is no longer here and enjoying life, and that your husband is having a difficult time as well, but that doesn't mean that YOU can't find a moment here or there, Maggie, to spoil yourself and teach yourself the road out of depression just a little. You are certainly worth fighting for, sister, so if it helps you to look at it that way, then FIGHT for yourself. Even if it seems silly at the time, try to start doing some little "spoil Maggie" activities, even if your heart isn't into it at first. Trust me, I had several coaches talk me through this process when I was so depressed. I didn't have anything to lose so I tried it their way. Eventually, I did learn to enjoy life again and to have more good days than bad. A counselor could really help you on this path too, Maggie. You are so worth it; maybe try to find someone next week and commit yourself to a month or so's visits.
I also imagine a counselor could help put you in touch with spouses who are surviving their spouses illnesses or strokes or heart attacks, and how they deal with that loss and frustrations too. The more support groups you can surround yourself with, the better right now, Maggie. You know there have to be parents who have lost a child support groups out there as well. You just have to make the first move, Maggie, and do it just for YOU. Your husband can follow in time, but right now do it just for you.
Your grandson isn't going to be with you that much longer, Maggie. You want him to have good memories of grandma and pop. Start the ball rolling tomorrow, Maggie. You can do it. Fight for yourself!! Sending you hugs and prayers and support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Maggie,
I am so sorry for your loss. We should never have to bury our children. My boyfriend lost 2 children in a year. His 18 year old was accidently shot in the head by a friend and his 18 month old (second marrige) died of a brain annyurism (sp?). He attended greif counseling and told me that was the only thing that got him through it. His 2nd wife at the time, did not attend counseling and to this day can not cope. Inspite of loosing 2 children he is a very positive person and is able to cope better, although holidays are still hard for him 12 years later. When I think of my son, I know in my mind that the drugs may take him as well. I pray every day that God gives him the strength to get through another day and not to take him from me. But I have to also be prepared that it may be a reality. If that day were to ever come, I think that they would have to put me in a mental facility, because I would have a complete breakdown. I am already teetering on that fine line, knowing the possibility exists.
Danny needs you and your husband right now. Can you try to be strong for him? Imagine how he must feel. He has lost his father and probably feels as though he has lost his grandparents as well because they are not there for him emotionally. He may also feel like he is of no importance to his grandparents because they are so focused on the loss of their child. He should also get counseling. We never forget our loved ones, but with time, it becomes less raw. I lost my mother 2 years ago and even though I am coping better now, there are still days where I feel melancholy and miss her. I know that it is inconceivable to you right now, but you will feel stronger and more able to cope with time. God bless you and your family.
I am so sorry for your loss. We should never have to bury our children. My boyfriend lost 2 children in a year. His 18 year old was accidently shot in the head by a friend and his 18 month old (second marrige) died of a brain annyurism (sp?). He attended greif counseling and told me that was the only thing that got him through it. His 2nd wife at the time, did not attend counseling and to this day can not cope. Inspite of loosing 2 children he is a very positive person and is able to cope better, although holidays are still hard for him 12 years later. When I think of my son, I know in my mind that the drugs may take him as well. I pray every day that God gives him the strength to get through another day and not to take him from me. But I have to also be prepared that it may be a reality. If that day were to ever come, I think that they would have to put me in a mental facility, because I would have a complete breakdown. I am already teetering on that fine line, knowing the possibility exists.
Danny needs you and your husband right now. Can you try to be strong for him? Imagine how he must feel. He has lost his father and probably feels as though he has lost his grandparents as well because they are not there for him emotionally. He may also feel like he is of no importance to his grandparents because they are so focused on the loss of their child. He should also get counseling. We never forget our loved ones, but with time, it becomes less raw. I lost my mother 2 years ago and even though I am coping better now, there are still days where I feel melancholy and miss her. I know that it is inconceivable to you right now, but you will feel stronger and more able to cope with time. God bless you and your family.
Addiction is a full time job
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Brooklyn New York
Posts: 63
Maggie, there are no words to comfort a mother who has lost a child. Especially such a senseless loss due to the use of drugs. I'm so sorry about your son Jason, and I am sorry that your life is so sad and unbearable. However, every minute of life is precious. God wants you here, and it's for a reason. You will see your son again in heaven. But don't be in a hurry to get there, your grandson and the rest of your family needs you here right now. You need to go to grief counseling for some help dealing with the heartache of losing your son. That's a real reason to be grief stricken. Any mother would understand you. One thing I am sure of is that your son was a good man, and loved you and his dad. He didn't want you to be unhappy. In time this will be a little more bearable, but it takes time. My heart goes out to you. I sure wish I could do something for you. HUGS to you Maggie. Hang on.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
(((((((((((((((((((Maggie))))))))))))))))))))))))
I agree with Joeyboy, there are no words for a grieving mother who has lost her child.
So, I will just quietly be here for you, when ever you need a friend, or someone to understand you. You need time for your heart to heal. Grief can kill the human spirit. How I know that. My brother died of a heroin overdose. It was 11 years yesterday. I can understand what your going through. I sure hope you find relief from the ache that's in your heart. Time is what you need. Try to keep busy, and do something nice for yourself. Jason would want that for you. Tears are falling for you Maggie. Love never dies, and you will always love your son. Saying a special prayer to GOD for you.
I agree with Joeyboy, there are no words for a grieving mother who has lost her child.
So, I will just quietly be here for you, when ever you need a friend, or someone to understand you. You need time for your heart to heal. Grief can kill the human spirit. How I know that. My brother died of a heroin overdose. It was 11 years yesterday. I can understand what your going through. I sure hope you find relief from the ache that's in your heart. Time is what you need. Try to keep busy, and do something nice for yourself. Jason would want that for you. Tears are falling for you Maggie. Love never dies, and you will always love your son. Saying a special prayer to GOD for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Maggie,
I am sending you much love and support. I am so sorry. I agree with everyone else here you need to talk to your doctor and get some help. Jason would not want you to be so unhappy, he loved you and it would pain him to think your suffering so much. Please Maggie talk to your doctor, join a support group. Get help taking care of your husband, and get out of the house. We all need help at times, it is time for you to ask for help to deal with this. Danny still needs his grandparents now and for a long time to come. (((Hugs)))
I am sending you much love and support. I am so sorry. I agree with everyone else here you need to talk to your doctor and get some help. Jason would not want you to be so unhappy, he loved you and it would pain him to think your suffering so much. Please Maggie talk to your doctor, join a support group. Get help taking care of your husband, and get out of the house. We all need help at times, it is time for you to ask for help to deal with this. Danny still needs his grandparents now and for a long time to come. (((Hugs)))
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Maggie,
I think there just might be a magic pill. My husband became depressed after learning he had Epilepsy, and the Dr. put him on Cymbalta, and it seems to have worked miracles.
One anti depressant doesn't work for everyone, so keep trying Maggie.
Also, I would think twice about selling your camp. Have you been there since your son died?
It may just bring back fond memories and may be a place of refuge for you.
Hugs and hugs.......
I think there just might be a magic pill. My husband became depressed after learning he had Epilepsy, and the Dr. put him on Cymbalta, and it seems to have worked miracles.
One anti depressant doesn't work for everyone, so keep trying Maggie.
Also, I would think twice about selling your camp. Have you been there since your son died?
It may just bring back fond memories and may be a place of refuge for you.
Hugs and hugs.......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Missouri
Posts: 80
Maggie,
Thanks for telling me about Danny, yes he needs his Grandma, but all the rest are right, time will help to heal.
Thats all for now Maggie, I am truly sorry about Jason and your husband. But you hang in there ok!
hugs to you,
sisofD
Thanks for telling me about Danny, yes he needs his Grandma, but all the rest are right, time will help to heal.
Thats all for now Maggie, I am truly sorry about Jason and your husband. But you hang in there ok!
hugs to you,
sisofD
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I am so sorry for your profound loss. I cannot begin to understand it, but I pray you find a way to pass through it to live on in your son's loving memory.
I agree with the others that reaching out for counselling, medication adjustment, and grief support are the place to begin for both of you.
Please do all you can to muster the strength to support each other and keep moving forward.
We are all here. Please keep posting.
Hugs.
Alice
I agree with the others that reaching out for counselling, medication adjustment, and grief support are the place to begin for both of you.
Please do all you can to muster the strength to support each other and keep moving forward.
We are all here. Please keep posting.
Hugs.
Alice
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Maggie _
My heart goes out to you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
My mother-in-law talked to me a few times about losing 2 of her adult sons to addiction.
Her pain was still very real even after quite a few years. But along with that came acceptance that they were in a better place and her life went on regardless. She eventually came to the point where she could talk about them and share funny stories and just remember them as her sons. Not what took them away.
Your dear son has been gone (only?) 5 months. Some days I would imagine it seems like a lifetime. Please be easy with yourself and do what you need to do to get thru another day.
Hugs
Gotahavfaith
My heart goes out to you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
My mother-in-law talked to me a few times about losing 2 of her adult sons to addiction.
Her pain was still very real even after quite a few years. But along with that came acceptance that they were in a better place and her life went on regardless. She eventually came to the point where she could talk about them and share funny stories and just remember them as her sons. Not what took them away.
Your dear son has been gone (only?) 5 months. Some days I would imagine it seems like a lifetime. Please be easy with yourself and do what you need to do to get thru another day.
Hugs
Gotahavfaith
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