josie25

I left my exabf in August after a four year relationship. I left partly because I couldn't cope any more but also because I knew that he could not recover whilst I was with him. I think I left hoping that it would make him try and get help, but the opposite occurred as he just went and found another girlfriend. I have been linking with him mum recently, as she rang to tell me that he had been taken into hospital following fits. He is now out of hospital and has been detoxed again. I rang every day to find out how he was when he was in hospital and yet I knew that I should not be doing so, as I am supposed to be trying to let go. His mother has discussed me with him and he has said with tears in his eyes that he loved me - note past tense. He has also said that he does not love his new girlfriend and is just using her as he does not want to be alone as he knows that this will entail him going back to drinking.
I am torn now, I so desperately want him to contact me and come back to me and I so desperately don't want him to do so as I know I couldn't cope. How can an intelligent person, who is fully knowledgeable about addicition - I work with it all day every day, be so confused? I know that this illness is progressive. He is just trying to stay busy at the moment to stop him going for a drink - quite different from trying to work on his recovery. In my head I know its just a matter of time before he has another drink and yet I still want the life I believed we could have had together - it was so beautiful at times. I'm trying to get myself to believe that I could cope with better boundaries in place and being with him would be so much better than not being with him at all. I'm thinking that I could go and pull him away from her, even though as she doesn't work she is more available to help him. I know that my hopes and dreams are futile, as I would then have to face him becoming more and more ill and possibly dying, which I couldn't face seeing him do, so why does one bit of me keep going over these thoughts and feelings. I have ordered the books re co dependency to help myself. I just wish I could just get it into my head that to even think of going back would be ridiculous. I have managed to leave him with only verbal threats to my wellbeing, as he had somebody else in line, but if I started it all up again I might not escape so easily. Sorry I know I'm rabbiting on here and nobody can really help me as I just have to find a way to get my heart and head to link up together. I know in my head that I have to let go and move on, maybe I can just ask for your prayers to help me to be sensible and get on with my life. I hope that one day I will be able to come onto this forum and say I made it out the other side and feel secure and happy again. Apologies now if I have said some of this before, but at least you understand some of where I am at. Thank you for reading and listening to me.

Bernadette

I know in my head that I have to let go and move on, maybe I can just ask for your prayers to help me to be sensible and get on with my life.

It's hard when it's all up in your head. try to get it into your body: meaning take action, real action for change.

Do not engage in confabs w/ his mum. Too upsetting! Protect yourself!
Do not ring him or go to see him.
When you begin obsessing about him and how much you want him back pull out a list of "Nevers" -- things you write down that were a part of your former relationship that you never wish to include in your life ever again-- example: active alcoholism, verbal abuse, anxiety over someone else's choices and problems, etc.

Play the tape all the way through: it may have been "so beautiful at times" but it was also pure hell at times right? Those beautiful times do not have to come at the price of volunteering for verbal abuse and drunken behavior!!

When the fantasizing and obsessing strike be prepared - look at the clock and say OK I will obsess for 10 minutes and then I will....take a walk, clean a closet, call a friend, meditate on my bright new future, make a cup of tea WHATEVER!!!

Do something nice for yourself every day - you're worth it and the more positivity you can surround yourself with the less appealing moving in reverse will be.

One day at a time - stay strong!


peace,
b

josie25

Bernadette, thank you so much for your reply, sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you, but I am working silly hours this week. I can tell from your answer you have been in a similar place and it is so nice to get a practical reply. I know that I am difficult to help, as I have most of the facts of what I need to do and how, it is just not quite so easy to put into practice for myself. Knowledge of alcoholism doesn't necessarily make the feelings any easier to cope with. I guess this is why this site is so good. I have received my book "women who love too much" and I fit the criteria beautifully, so I am also starting to understand a little more about how I have got myself into this mess in the first place. No doubt I will eventually get to where I need to be and I really do value your support.

Daisy30

I was always at odds with what my head knew and my heart wanted.

It kept i me living in a bad situation for too long.

Listen to what your gut is telling you! Don't fight it.

(((hugs)))