another day with my ABF, part VI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
another day with my ABF, part VI
I hesitate in some ways to write, because I have not followed all of your sage advice, in my continued concern for my ABF. Rome wasn’t built in a day and I have spent years caring for him so please forgive me if I cannot cease and desist in a 180 degree turnaround.
after a few days at my village friend’s house, I’m back in our flat taking care of business. although ABF is now released, he has not approached our flat, he has been sending his brother to collect his things.
I have been busy full time these days dealing with victim support, police, council people, homeless office, community care grants people, housing people, crisis loans people, well, you get the idea.
I know many of you feel that it is dangerous for me to be back in our flat, but I suppose it is a calculated risk at this time, somewhat better than before as I now have police protection and a restraining order.
I accepted tenancy of the noisy flat and get the keys Monday. moving remains an issue as I have no money and I hesitate to ask my male friends who have trucks, because this puts them also in the line of fire, and in ABFs confused reasoning, if a man helped me move, it would mean I’m sleeping with him.
I spoke to ABF yesterday, after a few days of refusing his calls.
he has been working and drinking. he believes his own lies. he thinks what he did was fine, justified actually, because I went to a man’s house. he told the police that I was sleeping with my neighbor and I believe he has told all of the townsfolk here the same. I feel kind of like a leper when I walk through the town, as many feel I am the ***** who drove poor ABF mad.
I’m not really that bothered about this. I know who I am. a few townsfolk have asked me what happened, and I have been choosing to answer “too much drink” and “neighbor was only helping me. he is not to blame”.
neighbor has been receiving hassle from one of ABF’s brothers, but I guess there is nothing I can do about that other than continue to state neighbor‘s innocence.
it goes on and on like the stupid human drama it is.
we are all in the same boat with our addicts. our shared stories are a pitiful, tragic statement to the sorry state of some of our brothers. at the end of the day, we all struggle in part due to our compassion watching someone self-destruct. we love them but we love ourselves and therein our struggle lies. they too are god’s children and our job is to step aside and let their own soul guide them. easy to say but hard to do, as each of us knows from our own personal experience.
I don’t want to “take back my love”. I don’t want to leave him with nothing. I am not angry at him.
what I want, and what got me here in the first place, was for him to become the man he could be.
the mistake I made, was that I did not understand the patterns of an alcoholic. I didn’t understand the lies, the deceit, the depression, the violence, the desperateness that this disease brings to the addict and those around him.
I do love him but I’m going to have to love him from afar. I am trying to find the balance between compassion and co-dependency.
the danger is very real for our addict of killing themselves, one way or the other. here at SR, we have seen this happening over and over. in many cases, we are choosing to stand aside and witness the addict’s painful, tragic end of life.
it all seems so unnecessary, but such is human suffering. all the addict has to do is sincerely seek help in a 12 step program and he can begin to heal. it is possible, as people like Ago, freedom and Anvilhead are living proof of. my ABF absolutely refuses to even entertain the idea the idea that he has a drinking problem. he does not have a drinking problem in his estimation.
as for my plan, I plan to stay here in the flat and also with my village friend until I move out, probably the middle of next week. I sleep with the phone next to me, a chair in front of the front door (to hear him if he enters) and I have instructed downstairs neighbor if he hears anything, to call the police immediately. my plan is if he comes in, to not engage him at all and leave the flat immediately.
at the end of the day, he smashed down the window/door, threatened and then left. if he wanted to attack us, he could have done so. he said he went upstairs, to await to be arrested. that is what he wanted: to go to jail. I believe him in this case. I think he realizes that he was at some sort of breaking point. the first night he assaulted me, he blared the stereo at ridiculous levels, again, in hopes that someone would call the police and he be arrested for a breach of the peace. I know, it is raving lunacy to do things to be imprisoned, but this is what he is doing.
when I spoke with him, I recommended that he seek alcohol treatment, if for no reason other than to minimize his chances of “going up the road.” he says that he thinks he’ll get a slap on the hand and 6 months probation. I don’t think so. he doesn’t even appear to be aware of the very real risk of prison time due to his previous convictions of domestic abuse, DUIs, and car accidents. he still thinks what he did assaulting me and my neighbor was fine, because he didn‘t actually hurt us.
he also said that he felt crazy while in the cell and pleaded to see a doctor, that he needed to talk to someone. I think he does need to talk to someone. I don’t know why he does not take this step, now that he is free.
I don’t know how much more alcohol education I want. I find that understanding the state of mind of the addict is like staring into the abyss, it doesn’t feel healthy. it is as Nietzsche said, “if one stares too long into the abyss, the abyss will stare back.”
lastly, I have prayed about this and the answered received was “the way of peace is to take the least for oneself”. I know that answer is in direct opposition to some of your advice, which is to take what is mine.
my interpretation of the answer to my prayer is addressing material goods. it does not mean to continue to sacrifice myself further at the hands of someone who is a service-to-self addict. it means to treat him as a person, and to leave him enough so that he can get on with his life (or not), and then exit. things like a cooker, a bed, a towel, etc. it’s all just stuff, it doesn’t matter and if I truly believe that my HP will make sure that my basic needs are met, then I wouldn’t struggle with who gets the ipod or the car.
the only real loss possible in this situation is a loss of my own way. at the end of the day, they can hurt us physically but they cannot harm the spirit if we keep our hearts open.
after a few days at my village friend’s house, I’m back in our flat taking care of business. although ABF is now released, he has not approached our flat, he has been sending his brother to collect his things.
I have been busy full time these days dealing with victim support, police, council people, homeless office, community care grants people, housing people, crisis loans people, well, you get the idea.
I know many of you feel that it is dangerous for me to be back in our flat, but I suppose it is a calculated risk at this time, somewhat better than before as I now have police protection and a restraining order.
I accepted tenancy of the noisy flat and get the keys Monday. moving remains an issue as I have no money and I hesitate to ask my male friends who have trucks, because this puts them also in the line of fire, and in ABFs confused reasoning, if a man helped me move, it would mean I’m sleeping with him.
I spoke to ABF yesterday, after a few days of refusing his calls.
he has been working and drinking. he believes his own lies. he thinks what he did was fine, justified actually, because I went to a man’s house. he told the police that I was sleeping with my neighbor and I believe he has told all of the townsfolk here the same. I feel kind of like a leper when I walk through the town, as many feel I am the ***** who drove poor ABF mad.
I’m not really that bothered about this. I know who I am. a few townsfolk have asked me what happened, and I have been choosing to answer “too much drink” and “neighbor was only helping me. he is not to blame”.
neighbor has been receiving hassle from one of ABF’s brothers, but I guess there is nothing I can do about that other than continue to state neighbor‘s innocence.
it goes on and on like the stupid human drama it is.
we are all in the same boat with our addicts. our shared stories are a pitiful, tragic statement to the sorry state of some of our brothers. at the end of the day, we all struggle in part due to our compassion watching someone self-destruct. we love them but we love ourselves and therein our struggle lies. they too are god’s children and our job is to step aside and let their own soul guide them. easy to say but hard to do, as each of us knows from our own personal experience.
I don’t want to “take back my love”. I don’t want to leave him with nothing. I am not angry at him.
what I want, and what got me here in the first place, was for him to become the man he could be.
the mistake I made, was that I did not understand the patterns of an alcoholic. I didn’t understand the lies, the deceit, the depression, the violence, the desperateness that this disease brings to the addict and those around him.
I do love him but I’m going to have to love him from afar. I am trying to find the balance between compassion and co-dependency.
the danger is very real for our addict of killing themselves, one way or the other. here at SR, we have seen this happening over and over. in many cases, we are choosing to stand aside and witness the addict’s painful, tragic end of life.
it all seems so unnecessary, but such is human suffering. all the addict has to do is sincerely seek help in a 12 step program and he can begin to heal. it is possible, as people like Ago, freedom and Anvilhead are living proof of. my ABF absolutely refuses to even entertain the idea the idea that he has a drinking problem. he does not have a drinking problem in his estimation.
as for my plan, I plan to stay here in the flat and also with my village friend until I move out, probably the middle of next week. I sleep with the phone next to me, a chair in front of the front door (to hear him if he enters) and I have instructed downstairs neighbor if he hears anything, to call the police immediately. my plan is if he comes in, to not engage him at all and leave the flat immediately.
at the end of the day, he smashed down the window/door, threatened and then left. if he wanted to attack us, he could have done so. he said he went upstairs, to await to be arrested. that is what he wanted: to go to jail. I believe him in this case. I think he realizes that he was at some sort of breaking point. the first night he assaulted me, he blared the stereo at ridiculous levels, again, in hopes that someone would call the police and he be arrested for a breach of the peace. I know, it is raving lunacy to do things to be imprisoned, but this is what he is doing.
when I spoke with him, I recommended that he seek alcohol treatment, if for no reason other than to minimize his chances of “going up the road.” he says that he thinks he’ll get a slap on the hand and 6 months probation. I don’t think so. he doesn’t even appear to be aware of the very real risk of prison time due to his previous convictions of domestic abuse, DUIs, and car accidents. he still thinks what he did assaulting me and my neighbor was fine, because he didn‘t actually hurt us.
he also said that he felt crazy while in the cell and pleaded to see a doctor, that he needed to talk to someone. I think he does need to talk to someone. I don’t know why he does not take this step, now that he is free.
I don’t know how much more alcohol education I want. I find that understanding the state of mind of the addict is like staring into the abyss, it doesn’t feel healthy. it is as Nietzsche said, “if one stares too long into the abyss, the abyss will stare back.”
lastly, I have prayed about this and the answered received was “the way of peace is to take the least for oneself”. I know that answer is in direct opposition to some of your advice, which is to take what is mine.
my interpretation of the answer to my prayer is addressing material goods. it does not mean to continue to sacrifice myself further at the hands of someone who is a service-to-self addict. it means to treat him as a person, and to leave him enough so that he can get on with his life (or not), and then exit. things like a cooker, a bed, a towel, etc. it’s all just stuff, it doesn’t matter and if I truly believe that my HP will make sure that my basic needs are met, then I wouldn’t struggle with who gets the ipod or the car.
the only real loss possible in this situation is a loss of my own way. at the end of the day, they can hurt us physically but they cannot harm the spirit if we keep our hearts open.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Good news about the new flat. Don’t be hesitant about asking for help, I’m sure people will be more than willing to help (A’s stinkin’ thinkin’ or no).
He isn’t taking responsibility for his actions. That should speak volumes. Moreover he is painting you as somehow culpable. That should speak volumes also. If it is any consolation I know how that feels and I know that most right thinking members of society would not (even if it were true) see that as any excuse for him to do what he did.
Your neighbour is getting hassle from the A’s brother. Sounds like you protestations of innocence are falling on deaf ears. If it continues then report it.
Letting go and letting what will be be are possible without feeling anger or denying you loved him. The A put me in hospital, screwed my hand up for life and scarred me for the same duration.. I am not angry with anyone but myself (and that has got better and is easier to deal with when the waves come). I haven’t stopped loving those parts of him that were good because he did that. What I am is wiser.
I don’t think it is a good idea you talk to him while there is action pending. In fact I am very surprised you are able to: you are a witness and the victim and I would have thought his bail conditions would prevent him from doing so. If he is prohibited from contacting you and you reciprocate or contact him then you are doing neither him nor yourself any favours. You will have no restrictions on contacting him, even if he does, but by contacting him you are putting yourself right back in the quicksand.
His assertions that he wanted to be arrested because he is at breaking point, that he played his stereo in hopes of being arrested.. I don’t believe them. If he wanted to be in prison as some kind of bottoming out he would be holding up his hands to what he has done and would not be blame throwing. He doesn’t even acknowledge the severity of what he has done. It is business as usual. Get a slapped wrist and continue. He has done this before.. you’ve listed his previous.. why should it be any different this time.
Yes he does need to talk to someone. He will do that if and when he is ready. When the A’s craziness became apparent and when I knew it was deep seated and enduring I suggested he seek help and talk it out. He agreed, even talked about what was buried inside him that he needed to get out and went to some sessions. Three sessions.. he told me he said nothing much but he decided that he didn’t need it. You can lead a horse to water and all that. I sometime wonder now what might have been if he had sorted out his fear, anger, resentment and whatever else ailed him. I would have married that man and had his baby in a heartbeat: as it was it was hard living with that man and I was nervous even bringing anything breakable like a television into that home let alone another life. He could not be trusted with anything precious. You’re A, can’t be trusted with anything precious.
The way you don’t lose is to take back who you are. Then take the experience to improve that person. I’m a great believer that if you do not learn the lesson life is trying to teach you first time.. it will keep getting repeated until you get it.
Stay safe..
:ghug
He isn’t taking responsibility for his actions. That should speak volumes. Moreover he is painting you as somehow culpable. That should speak volumes also. If it is any consolation I know how that feels and I know that most right thinking members of society would not (even if it were true) see that as any excuse for him to do what he did.
Your neighbour is getting hassle from the A’s brother. Sounds like you protestations of innocence are falling on deaf ears. If it continues then report it.
Letting go and letting what will be be are possible without feeling anger or denying you loved him. The A put me in hospital, screwed my hand up for life and scarred me for the same duration.. I am not angry with anyone but myself (and that has got better and is easier to deal with when the waves come). I haven’t stopped loving those parts of him that were good because he did that. What I am is wiser.
I don’t think it is a good idea you talk to him while there is action pending. In fact I am very surprised you are able to: you are a witness and the victim and I would have thought his bail conditions would prevent him from doing so. If he is prohibited from contacting you and you reciprocate or contact him then you are doing neither him nor yourself any favours. You will have no restrictions on contacting him, even if he does, but by contacting him you are putting yourself right back in the quicksand.
His assertions that he wanted to be arrested because he is at breaking point, that he played his stereo in hopes of being arrested.. I don’t believe them. If he wanted to be in prison as some kind of bottoming out he would be holding up his hands to what he has done and would not be blame throwing. He doesn’t even acknowledge the severity of what he has done. It is business as usual. Get a slapped wrist and continue. He has done this before.. you’ve listed his previous.. why should it be any different this time.
Yes he does need to talk to someone. He will do that if and when he is ready. When the A’s craziness became apparent and when I knew it was deep seated and enduring I suggested he seek help and talk it out. He agreed, even talked about what was buried inside him that he needed to get out and went to some sessions. Three sessions.. he told me he said nothing much but he decided that he didn’t need it. You can lead a horse to water and all that. I sometime wonder now what might have been if he had sorted out his fear, anger, resentment and whatever else ailed him. I would have married that man and had his baby in a heartbeat: as it was it was hard living with that man and I was nervous even bringing anything breakable like a television into that home let alone another life. He could not be trusted with anything precious. You’re A, can’t be trusted with anything precious.
The way you don’t lose is to take back who you are. Then take the experience to improve that person. I’m a great believer that if you do not learn the lesson life is trying to teach you first time.. it will keep getting repeated until you get it.
Stay safe..
:ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
thanks for the reality check tallulah. it is amazing how quick my thoughts go back to concern for him. it's really only by coming here to SR that i am reminded by the other's stories. i'm like "oh yeah, he did that too"... i MUST remember the madness...and i'm not talking about the assault, i'm talking about the lack of support, the lack of healthy communication, the lack of building something together...
right now, ABF is away camping on an island with his brother. brother said he thought this would be the best way to sort his head out and get him off the alcohol for a few days. as soon as i stepped aside, enabling brother stepped in. i told his brother that he was enabling him and he should let him fall, but i might as well be speaking latin to them.
as for the contact, i am not contacting him. he is contacting me. whilst i know i shouldn't talk to him, the reality is that there are things we do need to sort out just for practical living, like where is the electricity card or the bank card?
he sent over £20 with his brother yesterday. this is not because he is bothered about my welfare, i know this. it is for appearances. to prove to others he's not a bad bloke. i almost refused it but the reality is that i need it.
so, it's a beautiful day here at the sea, and i'm inside, at my desk, filling in housing forms and he's out on a boat at an island. how did that happen?
i had a tricky moment yesterday, as he said he left his bank card in the car and i had to take a taxi to the car (at his brother's) to look for it. when i arrived at the car, he was there with the brother, which i did not expect. it was the first time i've seen him since last friday morning when this all went down. he looked ridiculously handsome, all scruffy and bearded in his borrowed clothes. dear me, i've got it bad.
his brother said "naive, let the taxi go and i'll give you a lift home, as i'm just headed to your house anyway to get the tent". i had a moment of weakness, just wanted to stay and talk with ABF. but then, i thought, NO! and left in my taxi immediately.
gee, this is all so hard. thanks for listening. x
right now, ABF is away camping on an island with his brother. brother said he thought this would be the best way to sort his head out and get him off the alcohol for a few days. as soon as i stepped aside, enabling brother stepped in. i told his brother that he was enabling him and he should let him fall, but i might as well be speaking latin to them.
as for the contact, i am not contacting him. he is contacting me. whilst i know i shouldn't talk to him, the reality is that there are things we do need to sort out just for practical living, like where is the electricity card or the bank card?
he sent over £20 with his brother yesterday. this is not because he is bothered about my welfare, i know this. it is for appearances. to prove to others he's not a bad bloke. i almost refused it but the reality is that i need it.
so, it's a beautiful day here at the sea, and i'm inside, at my desk, filling in housing forms and he's out on a boat at an island. how did that happen?
i had a tricky moment yesterday, as he said he left his bank card in the car and i had to take a taxi to the car (at his brother's) to look for it. when i arrived at the car, he was there with the brother, which i did not expect. it was the first time i've seen him since last friday morning when this all went down. he looked ridiculously handsome, all scruffy and bearded in his borrowed clothes. dear me, i've got it bad.
his brother said "naive, let the taxi go and i'll give you a lift home, as i'm just headed to your house anyway to get the tent". i had a moment of weakness, just wanted to stay and talk with ABF. but then, i thought, NO! and left in my taxi immediately.
gee, this is all so hard. thanks for listening. x
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by naive 
so, it's a beautiful day here at the sea, and i'm inside, at my desk, filling in housing forms and he's out on a boat at an island. how did that happen?
Keep making plans for yourself and do what you need to do to extract yourself. We'll keep circling the wagons of support!
HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
thanks hydrogirl for that perspective. it's hard to see as i feel buried in so many things to do to move. i have taken givelove's advice and made a list and am just working my way through it.
i plan to take some time today and have a nice bath and style my hair. i've been running around in the same clothes with a ponytail for a week now. i know i will feel better once i've tidied myself up.
the good news is that he is away on an island for a few days and i can go about the town without chancing seeing him. even the grocery store has been stressful for me, with the town's gossip and the chance that he'll be there.
so, i have a bit of a repreive, it appears. i'm going to tidy the house, tidy myself and finish my forms for the day and then maybe go out for a bit and catch some of the sun.
i plan to take some time today and have a nice bath and style my hair. i've been running around in the same clothes with a ponytail for a week now. i know i will feel better once i've tidied myself up.
the good news is that he is away on an island for a few days and i can go about the town without chancing seeing him. even the grocery store has been stressful for me, with the town's gossip and the chance that he'll be there.
so, i have a bit of a repreive, it appears. i'm going to tidy the house, tidy myself and finish my forms for the day and then maybe go out for a bit and catch some of the sun.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I do hope you find a way to take your focus off him and put it on yourself. His life, problems and consequences are his, not yours. You don't have to keep making excuses for him you know.
Let it go. Let yourself change your focus onto what you want for yourself in your life. THat is all you can do but you haven't learned to accept or internalize that yet.
Let it go. Let yourself change your focus onto what you want for yourself in your life. THat is all you can do but you haven't learned to accept or internalize that yet.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
