I thought I was gettin better....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
I thought I was gettin better....
Hi guys, I need some help. Please don't be too harsh on me, i'm in a pretty delicate state right now.
I stayed off of SR for about 2wks or so. I decided to make some changes. I am doing great in school, but my job wasn't going so well, and things were getting worse for me internally with the abf. Even though I thought I could 'let go' and give him to god - to help him change - help him quit the pills again... I couldn't.
On Easter, I was filled with sadness, and anger, (because he still hasn't finalized his divorce yet.) We have been LIVING together for 3 &1/2 yrs.) I know that when we met, that should have occured to me, but it didn't-- because my husband and I were 'seperated' going through our divorce as well. My husband (at the time) was 'dating' by this point, and so was I. Our divorce was final in roughly a year and a 1/2. When the abf's keep draggin, and draggin, I was given lines--- "the money, the house, the insurance, the this and that" and I believed him.
Here we are, and it's all these yrs later, and I'm dealing with his pill addiction, and the FACT that it is still not final. I couldn't take it anymore. I asked him to leave.
As you probably guessed by now, he's back. 5 days of promises, and calls, and this and that, I broke down- yet again,and finally called him back. When I met him to "talk", that's all it took. I crumbled again.
I crumble because he aknowledges my pain, and tells me I have every right to feel the way I do. He tells me that he just never pushed the finalization of the divorce, because of money--and his business. He tells me that he's going to the dx to get a percription to get off the pills, he tells me he loves me, and dosen't want to loose our friendship, our love.
I know words on the screen here don't look good. I know that if I were reading this, I'd think I were nuts. But it's so difficult. Everyone we know, thinks we have a relationship that is so filled with love and friendship-- we truely 'like' each other. But I can't get past those two things-- I can't leave his addiction to his HP, and the divorce thing is just another example of his 'running' from addressing his problems.
A mutual friend of ours said to me, "I wouldn't worry about the addiction, Id tell him to get out, get his own place, and when his divorce is final, give you a call."
I told my friend, the addiction is the main problem (after all i have learned) and that is what is causing him to avoid everything else.
I don't know why I let him back here, (actually I do.)--- I start to get 'scared'. Not about being alone, but not having what I thought I would have together. When he begs, pleads, and crys, and I pull the whole no contact thing--- the pain gets so hard for me. I WANT to hear what he says, and eventually I break down, because to hear him tell me he loves me and will make it all right--- just is exactly what I want to happen. But what are the chances of it happening? How many more years will I waste with him?
I don't want to 'force' him to do anything--- and he knows this. BUT i don't want a relationship like this-- he promises it will change. I KNOW his promises haven't meant crap so far-- why do I choose to believe it AGAIN?
I am having a very hard time financially right now (for the first time in many many years).... a part of me feels like I might be hanging on - as well- for a little financial support, I'm so scared that everything I worked for is slipping away.
Cess
I stayed off of SR for about 2wks or so. I decided to make some changes. I am doing great in school, but my job wasn't going so well, and things were getting worse for me internally with the abf. Even though I thought I could 'let go' and give him to god - to help him change - help him quit the pills again... I couldn't.
On Easter, I was filled with sadness, and anger, (because he still hasn't finalized his divorce yet.) We have been LIVING together for 3 &1/2 yrs.) I know that when we met, that should have occured to me, but it didn't-- because my husband and I were 'seperated' going through our divorce as well. My husband (at the time) was 'dating' by this point, and so was I. Our divorce was final in roughly a year and a 1/2. When the abf's keep draggin, and draggin, I was given lines--- "the money, the house, the insurance, the this and that" and I believed him.
Here we are, and it's all these yrs later, and I'm dealing with his pill addiction, and the FACT that it is still not final. I couldn't take it anymore. I asked him to leave.
As you probably guessed by now, he's back. 5 days of promises, and calls, and this and that, I broke down- yet again,and finally called him back. When I met him to "talk", that's all it took. I crumbled again.
I crumble because he aknowledges my pain, and tells me I have every right to feel the way I do. He tells me that he just never pushed the finalization of the divorce, because of money--and his business. He tells me that he's going to the dx to get a percription to get off the pills, he tells me he loves me, and dosen't want to loose our friendship, our love.
I know words on the screen here don't look good. I know that if I were reading this, I'd think I were nuts. But it's so difficult. Everyone we know, thinks we have a relationship that is so filled with love and friendship-- we truely 'like' each other. But I can't get past those two things-- I can't leave his addiction to his HP, and the divorce thing is just another example of his 'running' from addressing his problems.
A mutual friend of ours said to me, "I wouldn't worry about the addiction, Id tell him to get out, get his own place, and when his divorce is final, give you a call."
I told my friend, the addiction is the main problem (after all i have learned) and that is what is causing him to avoid everything else.
I don't know why I let him back here, (actually I do.)--- I start to get 'scared'. Not about being alone, but not having what I thought I would have together. When he begs, pleads, and crys, and I pull the whole no contact thing--- the pain gets so hard for me. I WANT to hear what he says, and eventually I break down, because to hear him tell me he loves me and will make it all right--- just is exactly what I want to happen. But what are the chances of it happening? How many more years will I waste with him?
I don't want to 'force' him to do anything--- and he knows this. BUT i don't want a relationship like this-- he promises it will change. I KNOW his promises haven't meant crap so far-- why do I choose to believe it AGAIN?
I am having a very hard time financially right now (for the first time in many many years).... a part of me feels like I might be hanging on - as well- for a little financial support, I'm so scared that everything I worked for is slipping away.
Cess
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
he aknowledges my pain, and tells me I have every right to feel the way I do. He tells me that he just never pushed the finalization of the divorce, because of money--and his business. He tells me that he's going to the dx to get a percription to get off the pills, he tells me he loves me, and dosen't want to loose our friendship, our love.
Now that being said, sweetie you have to understand Addicts are MASTER MANIPULATORS and this is what he is doing to you, so the 'status quo' can stay the same.
It's not his words that matter, it is his ACTIONS. What do his ACTIONS show? Absolutely nothing!
I don't want to 'force' him to do anything--- and he knows this. BUT i don't want a relationship like this-- he promises it will change. I KNOW his promises haven't meant crap so far-- why do I choose to believe it AGAIN?
Maybe read "Co Dependent No More." If you have read it before, now is the time to read it again. If you have not read it, it is available at a very reasonable price on Amazon.com.
a part of me feels like I might be hanging on - as well- for a little financial support, I'm so scared that everything I worked for is slipping away.
Please don't stay away, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
cessy, active addicts are emotional vampires, this why you feel so weak, they just suck all strength, and before you know it, you're soul is going down with them.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I hope you find the strength to do the right thing for your own well being. It will never change as long as he is in active addiction, no recovery. I'm sorry.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I hope you find the strength to do the right thing for your own well being. It will never change as long as he is in active addiction, no recovery. I'm sorry.
Some French tart....
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Courville-sur-Eure. France.
Posts: 239
Cessy,
I'm a pill addict and often read in this forum, to get the other side of the story.
A mutual friend of ours said to me, "I wouldn't worry about the addiction, Id tell him to get out, get his own place, and when his divorce is final, give you a call."
Listen to what your mutel friend says, that, I believe is the answer. You give him and yourself time to know what you want exactly as well.
Love,
Tish x P.S. PM me if you want.
I'm a pill addict and often read in this forum, to get the other side of the story.
A mutual friend of ours said to me, "I wouldn't worry about the addiction, Id tell him to get out, get his own place, and when his divorce is final, give you a call."
Listen to what your mutel friend says, that, I believe is the answer. You give him and yourself time to know what you want exactly as well.
Love,
Tish x P.S. PM me if you want.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh Cessy, just think about how going through all of this is making you feel! Do you feel happy? Do you feel relaxed and are you enjoying this man's company? Or....are you distressed, sad, anxious, and on edge?
Which way do you think is the best way to feel?
Sending you huge hugs! HG:ghug3
Which way do you think is the best way to feel?
Sending you huge hugs! HG:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cessy68 
I don't want to 'force' him to do anything........Cess
If you had no expectations and were enjoying the ride, I might even be inclined to say "go for it". Instead, I feel bad that you appear to remain so miserable locked into this vicious cycle.
This is all about baby steps for most of us. It's the journey that has made so many posters on this board who they are, today. Do you think you can let go of your expectations and thus some of your misery?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Cess,
I know exactly how you feel, this is a sad - sick cycle. My AH and I spent YEARS having those come to Jesus talks every other weekend. He'd agree to everything that I thought needed changed or fixed. He'd even follow through for a few days or even a week. But then right back to the same old behavior.
I know what you mean about taking a break from SR - but for me the problems never really went away and then I find myself feeling embarassed to post yet again. It seems that if your ABF doesn't follow through with a treatment program than it really doesn't matter if he's divorced does it? For me the FIRST thing that he should do is get into treatment and get off of the drugs.
I also think that Freedom is right when she asks you to define what "it" is. Do you have things jointly, kids together, credit cards or home loans or cars in eachothers name? I also agree with your friend when he/she says tell him to leave and no contact until he gets into treatment and finalizes the divorce. Easier said than done, but it's sound advice from a MUTUAL friend who sees both sides.Hugs to you.
I know exactly how you feel, this is a sad - sick cycle. My AH and I spent YEARS having those come to Jesus talks every other weekend. He'd agree to everything that I thought needed changed or fixed. He'd even follow through for a few days or even a week. But then right back to the same old behavior.
I know what you mean about taking a break from SR - but for me the problems never really went away and then I find myself feeling embarassed to post yet again. It seems that if your ABF doesn't follow through with a treatment program than it really doesn't matter if he's divorced does it? For me the FIRST thing that he should do is get into treatment and get off of the drugs.
I also think that Freedom is right when she asks you to define what "it" is. Do you have things jointly, kids together, credit cards or home loans or cars in eachothers name? I also agree with your friend when he/she says tell him to leave and no contact until he gets into treatment and finalizes the divorce. Easier said than done, but it's sound advice from a MUTUAL friend who sees both sides.Hugs to you.
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Cessy,
I'm sorry that you're going through this. All I can really offer is to chime in with everyone else about the fact that today, at this moment, you are upset, anxious, stressed, not happy. And you do have expectations for him. I heard a very wise man in NA (old timer) talking about his sponsorship of a young addict who wanted to get clean. He asked him what his problem was and he said "dope". The oldtimer corrected him and said, no that's not your problem, that's just a symptom. That's how you're treating it. Now what's your PROBLEM?
I mentioned that to say that its not just your bf's addiction that is the main problem. AA has a saying "A sober horsethief is still a horse thief". Regardless of his addiction, he is still a man who has not divorced his wife and has put you through hell.
What are you willing to give up for him? How much is too much??
I'm certainly not pointing the finger because if anyone knows how you must feel (even a little bit) it is myself. I think everyone that has replied on this topic can relate to you. But I would just encourage you to not be afraid, not feel guilty, but take it day by day and realize addiction makes people LIE and no matter what he wants you to believe he is not capable of honesty right now so you cannot take his words to heart. Put yourself first!!!!
Love,
Holly
I'm sorry that you're going through this. All I can really offer is to chime in with everyone else about the fact that today, at this moment, you are upset, anxious, stressed, not happy. And you do have expectations for him. I heard a very wise man in NA (old timer) talking about his sponsorship of a young addict who wanted to get clean. He asked him what his problem was and he said "dope". The oldtimer corrected him and said, no that's not your problem, that's just a symptom. That's how you're treating it. Now what's your PROBLEM?
I mentioned that to say that its not just your bf's addiction that is the main problem. AA has a saying "A sober horsethief is still a horse thief". Regardless of his addiction, he is still a man who has not divorced his wife and has put you through hell.
What are you willing to give up for him? How much is too much??
I'm certainly not pointing the finger because if anyone knows how you must feel (even a little bit) it is myself. I think everyone that has replied on this topic can relate to you. But I would just encourage you to not be afraid, not feel guilty, but take it day by day and realize addiction makes people LIE and no matter what he wants you to believe he is not capable of honesty right now so you cannot take his words to heart. Put yourself first!!!!
Love,
Holly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Wow, I must say, thankyou so much for the support, understanding and care. It just literally brought me to tears.
When I wrote this the other night, I was devestated in my bedroom with him downstairs-- thinking "what have you done girl, letting him back with no concrete changes... just more promises"..... THen I picked up my computer and wrote to you all... then I shut down my computer and was terrified to pick it up.
I was so afraid to look at the responses-- for I've mentally beat the crap out of myself, for going against my gut, for not honoring what I know is 'right'. I thought I would find the responses here much like what I've already done to me. I didn't think I could handle hearing what an idiot I am....
Then you all came through, with love. It is truely a blessing to have that kind of acceptance and kindness, and understanding from people... even if it is in a cyber world.
I will take all your words and try to put them in a safe place, where I can try to 'get done' with my work in this relationship.
I sat with a friend today--- and I confessed I was back with the abf -- again, based on his worthless professons of love, and comming changes.... I felt ashamed.
My friend smiled and he hi-fived me. I looked at him, like he was makeing fun of me. On the contrary, he kept his hand up and said "you made it 6 days." I said, "very funny". He then said, "next time maybe you will make it ten, or 20, or 30.... or forever, keep trying to remove yourself, keep listening to your innerself, and you will find your way out."..... Kinda like the baby steps you all have been talking about.
Thankyou for the support.
Love,
Cess
When I wrote this the other night, I was devestated in my bedroom with him downstairs-- thinking "what have you done girl, letting him back with no concrete changes... just more promises"..... THen I picked up my computer and wrote to you all... then I shut down my computer and was terrified to pick it up.
I was so afraid to look at the responses-- for I've mentally beat the crap out of myself, for going against my gut, for not honoring what I know is 'right'. I thought I would find the responses here much like what I've already done to me. I didn't think I could handle hearing what an idiot I am....
Then you all came through, with love. It is truely a blessing to have that kind of acceptance and kindness, and understanding from people... even if it is in a cyber world.
I will take all your words and try to put them in a safe place, where I can try to 'get done' with my work in this relationship.
I sat with a friend today--- and I confessed I was back with the abf -- again, based on his worthless professons of love, and comming changes.... I felt ashamed.
My friend smiled and he hi-fived me. I looked at him, like he was makeing fun of me. On the contrary, he kept his hand up and said "you made it 6 days." I said, "very funny". He then said, "next time maybe you will make it ten, or 20, or 30.... or forever, keep trying to remove yourself, keep listening to your innerself, and you will find your way out."..... Kinda like the baby steps you all have been talking about.
Thankyou for the support.
Love,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Hey Cessy,
Just sending ((((hugs)))) ok maybe I can make you laugh a little (off topic). I found a new prayer.
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.
Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Just sending ((((hugs)))) ok maybe I can make you laugh a little (off topic). I found a new prayer.
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.
Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by MyJoey
Hey Cessy,
Just sending ((((hugs)))) ok maybe I can make you laugh a little (off topic). I found a new prayer.
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.
Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Just sending ((((hugs)))) ok maybe I can make you laugh a little (off topic). I found a new prayer.
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.
Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
lol... did I mention I had my 40th birthday last week????? URGH... I need the prayer!!
lol, love, cess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by MyJoey
See I knew you could use my prayer..........40th huh. LAUGHING
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
