Focusing too muh on my space, or not enough?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 43
Focusing too muh on my space, or not enough?
I've spent a year or so working on boundaries and space from my AF and AM--I live in another state, see them rarely, on my terms, and never at my or their homes, etc. etc. Every few months (including today), one or both of them reach out to me--send a gift, offer to pay for something, beg to visit, etc. I'm just barely starting actual "recovery" work, so I don't even know if I'm asking myself the right questions, much the less weighing the answers appropriately. I guess one misconception would be feeling like I have to deal with this TODAY. It can probably wait a day or two. Anyway, here are some of the questions I'm wrestling with:
1) How do I tell the difference between sincere change and the cycle of manipulation? What I mean is, sometimes I've responded to these kindnesses only to be smacked in the head with the metaphorical 2x4 of the same old abuse and ********. How do I recognize the difference?
2) Is it okay to accept the good (i.e. financial assistance) and be grateful for it, but still refuse to visit?
3) It's so hard for me to use my head and heart. As soon as my AF and AM are not aggressive or abusive, I find it hard to "believe myself" about the past and realities of our family. I almost wish for them to behave more badly, so that I don't feel crazy. Ahh.
I'm not sure if anyone will have advice or related experiences, but I'm feeling pretty confused. I treasure my space so much, and I'm just learning how to talk about abuse and alcohol and me (read: I am vulnerable, sad, needy, and angry), and feel very susceptible to being hurt or getting sucked back in. Yet at the same time, I want to give positive feedback, and feel both weird and stupid about turning down "gifts", even if they are intended, on some level, to be manipulative.
1) How do I tell the difference between sincere change and the cycle of manipulation? What I mean is, sometimes I've responded to these kindnesses only to be smacked in the head with the metaphorical 2x4 of the same old abuse and ********. How do I recognize the difference?
2) Is it okay to accept the good (i.e. financial assistance) and be grateful for it, but still refuse to visit?
3) It's so hard for me to use my head and heart. As soon as my AF and AM are not aggressive or abusive, I find it hard to "believe myself" about the past and realities of our family. I almost wish for them to behave more badly, so that I don't feel crazy. Ahh.
I'm not sure if anyone will have advice or related experiences, but I'm feeling pretty confused. I treasure my space so much, and I'm just learning how to talk about abuse and alcohol and me (read: I am vulnerable, sad, needy, and angry), and feel very susceptible to being hurt or getting sucked back in. Yet at the same time, I want to give positive feedback, and feel both weird and stupid about turning down "gifts", even if they are intended, on some level, to be manipulative.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Yet at the same time, I want to give positive feedback,
Something about this statement made me read it over several times.
Do you feel responsible for your parents moods or drinking? Like, if you don't give positive feedback to their outreach then the next series of events is related to that or your fault?
When I was early in recovering myself from the effects of my AF and Abrothers, I kind of had to go lo-no-contact for a while, until I got the hang of my new tools. So I felt guilty sometimes yes, when I refused my brothers invitations to things we "used to do" together or to their requests for help or money or a place to crash.... but that guilt was short lived as I got stronger. I started to really enjoy the feeling of owning my peace and serenity, of being responsible for that.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If your parents have always used "gifts" or money to lure you into feeling like now you owe them only a certain acceptable-to-them style of behavior (other than being gracious and saying thank you of course!) then you might consider refusing their outreach right now...
And that feeling of wishing things were bad is a common one too. It kind of makes it easier on us! But that's because the power of denial is so damn strong and denial is the enemy of recovery. For me it's also because I had allowed other people's behavior to set my concept of reality for so long that it took some time for me to re-set and trust that what I knew was true and real, whether it happened 4 hours ago or 4 years ago.
Easy does it Poetryandhums...I started to see my recovery as a little flame that I needed to keep close to my chest and safe from harsh weather so it wouldn't "go out." Protect your peace of mind first and foremost and more will be revealed...
peace,
b
Something about this statement made me read it over several times.
Do you feel responsible for your parents moods or drinking? Like, if you don't give positive feedback to their outreach then the next series of events is related to that or your fault?
When I was early in recovering myself from the effects of my AF and Abrothers, I kind of had to go lo-no-contact for a while, until I got the hang of my new tools. So I felt guilty sometimes yes, when I refused my brothers invitations to things we "used to do" together or to their requests for help or money or a place to crash.... but that guilt was short lived as I got stronger. I started to really enjoy the feeling of owning my peace and serenity, of being responsible for that.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If your parents have always used "gifts" or money to lure you into feeling like now you owe them only a certain acceptable-to-them style of behavior (other than being gracious and saying thank you of course!) then you might consider refusing their outreach right now...
And that feeling of wishing things were bad is a common one too. It kind of makes it easier on us! But that's because the power of denial is so damn strong and denial is the enemy of recovery. For me it's also because I had allowed other people's behavior to set my concept of reality for so long that it took some time for me to re-set and trust that what I knew was true and real, whether it happened 4 hours ago or 4 years ago.
Easy does it Poetryandhums...I started to see my recovery as a little flame that I needed to keep close to my chest and safe from harsh weather so it wouldn't "go out." Protect your peace of mind first and foremost and more will be revealed...
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Oh, how well I know the gifts and financial assistance with strings! Then comes the 2 X 4 you speak of!
There are times my parents go into toxic mode and I literally have to go no contact.
Right now I am financially dependent on my parents as I have disabilities (have been fighting that in court for 18 months now), but I am in college full-time to finally get my degree now that both of my daughters are grown.
My goal is to become fully self-sufficient financially once I graduate, and pay my dad off for the car he bought me (that's been a BIG string he's used with me).
Since you're in the early stages of recovery work, I'd suggest you be very careful with accepting gifts and/or financial help. As you grow in your own recovery, you will start to see more clearly the difference between manipulaton and sincere changes in others.
Be good to yourself, cherish your space!
:ghug :ghug
There are times my parents go into toxic mode and I literally have to go no contact.
Right now I am financially dependent on my parents as I have disabilities (have been fighting that in court for 18 months now), but I am in college full-time to finally get my degree now that both of my daughters are grown.
My goal is to become fully self-sufficient financially once I graduate, and pay my dad off for the car he bought me (that's been a BIG string he's used with me).
Since you're in the early stages of recovery work, I'd suggest you be very careful with accepting gifts and/or financial help. As you grow in your own recovery, you will start to see more clearly the difference between manipulaton and sincere changes in others.
Be good to yourself, cherish your space!
:ghug :ghug
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
