kitkat

Hi all! I am new to the group and currently 5 years into my second marriage with my second alcoholic (looks like a pattern in the type of guy I pick :-)). When I married my second husband, I knew he drank, but his drinking habits were very different than my first husband's. My first husband was all about straight hard liquor in the morning. I would find him passed out in our driveway at the wheel and he would disappear for 24 hours at a time. He completely denied (and still does) that he is an alcoholic.

My current husband drinks only at home and just drinks lite beer, although he drinks it excessively. He had been sober for 8 years and started drinking again after his divorce. We could talk about his drinking and he would stop or let up whenever I told him it was starting to bother me. Well, after years, I am starting to "hate" having to tell him it's bothering me. This last time, he stopped for two weeks, but was grumpy as all get out. I couldn't stand him then either. He thought because he had stopped drinking then I should be happy and want to hug and love him all the time. Well, I just don't function that way. I can't let my guard down for a short period then put it back up when I find things aren't working out. So he started drinking again and told me that I would just have to live with it.

I broke down this last weekend and really told him what I was feeling (day after him drinking 14 beers). I asked him again to see a marriage counselor and he finally said yes, but told me he was tired of trying all the time. And then he went out and got another 6 pack that night.

I'm starting to feel really frustrated. I've determined that I absolutely cannot live with an alcoholic. There are just too many ups and downs and I end up not being in love with them anymore or I hide my love for so long because I'm afraid of being hurt again that I have a hard time getting it back.

But I feel a little guilty for feeling that way. Is there anyone else who has fallen out of love with their husband because of their alcoholism? I'm willing to go to counseling and I hope he will go to AA and start the process, but I don't know if I will be able to let go again and get back the intimacy and be "in love" with him again. I would really like to know if anyone else has gone through this same internal struggle.

EyesOpen

Kitkat:

Yes. Same thing. Beer man. No hard liquor, always telling me he loved me (actually INSISTING that he loved me), yet always drinking those cans till the only thing he could do is crash in bed and sleep it off.

I finally realized that I needed to stop listening to his words and look at his actions. If months (and years) were going by, and he wasn't responding to my requests for him to pay attention to me, then probably he didn't want to admit to himself (or me) that he didn't love me as much as he claimed. Or, to put it another way, he didn't love being with me as much as being with the beer.

I went through mourning my marriage at that point. I remember thinking, that if he'd died, or left me, it wouldn't be so confusing, knowing that the marriage was over. But, it died nonetheless. There were no official proclaimations, just months and months of watching him leave the room to be alone with his beer.

Ironically, my AH was the one who once told me that "people naturally gravitate to what they enjoy doing". He mean it in terms of a vocation. But, I saw it with our home life. In spite of his words, his actions were predictable.

I kind of wish it had been like a sports event, that some person would have come to the house and told me "game over". It took me going in circles for a while there to finally "get it".

mamasmitty

I understand! If you read my post, "In Limbo" you will see what I have been going through. I have fallen out of love with my X husband although I do live with him. Just read my post. If you want to talk, I am here! Take care of you!

kitkat

Thank you both for your support and understanding.

You both desribed what I am going thru to a T. I want to love him, but it is hard and the "sex" thing keeps hanging over my head. I don't feel attracted to him, because of the alcohol and he blames me for not having sex that often (we have it about once a week, which I think is pretty good considering). He told me he doesn't think I am attracted to him anymore, and I told him that was true. How can I be attracted to someone that I can't be intimate with, because beer is in the way?

I read you Limbo post, mamasmitty and you desribed how I am feeling. It finally hit me about 2 weeks ago, that we need help and that I can't go on like this anymore.

I'm giving it till January or June 04 at the latest, and then I'm out. I don't know that I will get a divorce at the point, probably just separate, but in any case, I will get on with my life. I am so looking forward to it that I don't know if the counseling will help.

I plan to go to my first Alanon meeting this weekend. I've decided I can't do this alone and I need people to bounce things off of that really understand what I am going thru and understand the behavior of an alcoholic.

Reading everyone's posts really makes me see everything for what it really is. I've been fooling myself for too long.

I gave my H this morning some printouts on marriage problems and alcoholism. I'm hoping reading them will bring the light on in his head and make him see he needs help. In all reality, though, I have a feeling they will just make him angry and deny it even more. It's funny, because he went thru treatment and was sober for 8 years. He says he knows it all and doesn't need anyone's help getting sober. That was about 8 tries ago - and he's still drinking...hmmm.

But I've decided I've done everything I can and if he doesn't want to get help, then that's his choice. It doesn't mean I have to live with it anymore. He keeps saying he wants to make me happy, but he doesn't realize that I am the only one that can do that and that he needs to make himself happy (find and resolve the reason why he is drinking) in order for us to be happy together.

Thank you all for your support!!!

phab4ever

Kitkat,

All I can say is ditto to the above.However,I can't say that I don't Love my husband at all,its just not the way I used to love him.Now he seems like a good friend of mine with a really bad problem.We still live together,still have fun together(when he's sober).We no longer share the same bedroom and have sex very rarely (because I refuse to sleep with a drunk!)

I'm beginning to get used to the situation,I don't know if thats good or bad!!!!
I hope you can find happiness.For now i'm settling for contentment. GOD BLESS,Karen

kitkat

Karen,
You know the cool thing is is that I can totally relate to all of you no matter where you are in the process, even if you choose to stay and love him. I think I still love my A, but like you said in a very different light than when I first met him. And he doesn't like that - he wants us to be the way we used to be, but the alcohol has changed that and I don't think it will ever be the same. Hopefully it will be better thru counseling, but somehow I doubt that. I commend you for staying and finding happiness with him!

Rainy

Kitkat,

My feelings changed too, and for a long time I thought I hated my A, but throughout his latest recovery and me seeking my recovery this time, I discovered that I love him very much, I just hate the alcohol. I think your mention of a separation period before calling it quits for good is a great approach. Sometimes being completely away from them and being able to really think w/o them there can help us, as well as working our own program of recovery.

I'm glad to hear you are going to Alanon too, when I finally made up my mind to go and stop being a skeptic I couldn't have imagined how much I would appreciate it.

kitkat

Thanks for the support, Rainy! I have a feeling separation is going to be the only way to get us back together again. I'll try the counseling, but he's going to have to get into AA and work the program in order for me to stay in the same house.

I have no desire to be with anyone right now - so a divorce just doesn't make sense and maybe it will be the key to getting him back into recovery and our love back.

sdp

I certainly know how you feel!!! With my A, tho, sex is more of a matter of planning-- when he's drinking, he's not here, then when he does get home, he need at least a day to recover. Alcohol is not very good for the libido. Then one he is rested, chances are he will go out again and the vicious cycle will repeat itself. Plus there's the "reek" factor. The stench of stale beer is NOT attractive. I suppose I still ove him , but it's hard to recover from the rejection of him choosing booze and his drinking buddies over his wife and kids.

Rainy

I never have experienced any of that with my current H---no reeking, no lack of sex drive, no choosing me over his drinking buddies, etc. He was a binge drinker and could manage himself on one-two beers a day (which would wear off by the time I got home with the help of a shower and mouthwash and aftershave), but when the binges hit, he would leave for days at a time, only calling to come home when he was flat broke and sober enough to feel guilty. Binges were a special time for him b/c then he could drink his favorite, whiskey. It doesn't seem to matter what their patterns of behavior are, whether they drink alone or with a crowd, what their choice of drink is, etc., but we all feel the rejection of the booze winning out over us.

Sometimes a separation will work wonders if we are managing our lives and not still trying to control theirs. Learning to set boundaries that are healthy. IMHO, when they see us living our lives w/o them and not NEEDING them anymore, many of them have a real reality check. I know my H told me he would have done it this time with or w/o me just b/c he believes he would not survive much longer, but watching the changes that were happening in me showed him that the games were over for me, and if he wanted to be a part of my life he better start showing me some action and stop the lip service.

countrygirl

The husband before this one - I fell out of love with him

I didn't have a big love for him anyway but we were the best of friends for a long time. As the drinking got worse and worse, he did the most outrageous uncaring things and I guess he just wasn't my friend any more. I was embarrassed to even know him, even worse to be his wife. I stayed too long, by the time we separated I had no respect left for him. Not only did I not love him, I actually disliked him, drunk or sober. Even after he sobered up, I still didn't like him. Too much had happenned. Some of what happened was the drink, some of it was things I swear were in him anyway, the drink just let him let it out.

Maybe if we had separated before I was quite so disgusted, something would have been left. But I stayed until every kind or loving feeling I ever had for him was dead.

ariesgirl

Which do you all reckon is worse: still being in love with someone who is incapable of returning that love most of the time, or being out of love and just being friends, like so many people have said they are now with their alcoholic spouses? I'm not sure where I'm at right now...or maybe I just can't admit to myself where I am because either way, it just seems like a sad situation. If I do still love him, I'm certainly not getting that back from him; if I don't love him, what am I doing still in this relationship? I don't want to just be friends; I'm thirty years old and I want some romance in my life! Another question: what do you do to keep the love alive, which is hard in any situation after years of marriage, but even harder when alcoholism is involved.

LongStrangeTrip

I'm not out of love at all. I still love him with all my heart, it's just that so much damage has been done to this marriage that he can't realize it and he operates on a different type of love than I can. My love for him is guarded and most of the time not out in open, where as he still acts towards me as if nothing has ever happened.
I've never hurt him, or let him down or cheated on him like he has me, so he has no way of understanding exactly how much damage this marraige has been through. Sometimes, he seems shocked that I feel this way and accuses me of holding grudges against him. It's not grudges, it's just that old invisable force field that keeps the pain away or at least softens the blow.
Underneath all of that I long for a day when I can trust and be open and free to show all of my love like I once did.
I try to explain it to him that all of the wounds have healed but the scars may always be there and that's life.

The hardest part for me is accepting the fact that he really has no clue how much faith and trust is lost. I no longer choose to allow it in by way of detachment with love and on ocassion, there is a brief shining moment when I can really throw my arms around him and feel OK about it.

nakonc

I loved my A bf very much when we first got together. But I was a different person back then. I was certain that a man would provide me with the happiness that lacked in my life. Romance was a sure way to happiness for me. That's why I thought my love would cure him; interestingly enough he says he thought that too.

Now, five years later, and four years into my Al-Anon program, I realise I may have never loved him. Not really. I was enamoured, sure enough, but I was unable to love anyone. Now I can see how his charming words made me feel good and kept me falling back into the trap time and again. I thought that was love and I thought that my meddling in his drinking was love as well.

Just yesterday he called and unleashed his charming words all over again, but the difference is now I don't see them as flattering at all. I just see them as subtle ways to get me where he wants me to be - back in the gutter. That way neither of us has to change.

So I think I love him more now, when I don't allow him to manipulate me and see him for what he really is. A sick person who is trying his best to continue drinking and using whatever he can to succeed. He is not a bad person, I can feel how he wants to get better - but he is a grown up and he has to do it on his own. I am not responsible for his recovery.

I think that now that I started to love myself and made my life full and interesting, I am better able to love him as well. Which means allowing him to do what he thinks is best, while not letting him use me.

I used to prefer talking to him, even if he was drunk and kept saying the same things all over again, than doing something for myself. I was so starved of love that even those ridiculous conversations were better than nothing. Now I prefer to say politely goodnight and then disconnect my phone - just in case - and go calmly to sleep.

I trust him that he will do what is best for him and I love him dearly, but that doesn't mean I have to go down with him if he chooses to do nothing. My life is the most important thing for me, my first priority. His life is his responsibility. I can always love him from a distance.

Hugs

Natasha

hopeful50

Recently I have come to realize... (gosh, how many sentences have I started like that lately)...that my understanding of marriage 17 years ago was corrupted by my feelings of betrayal from of my first marriage. Add that to the fact that I didn't resolve any my own codependency issues before I selected a new mate, and you have a recipe for 17 years of unhappiness.

That doesn't respond directly to your question, kitkat, but I certainly empathize with you. I have affection for my wife, but I am a healthier person now. Today, I would look for much more in a relationship, though I recognize that I have much more self-work to do first. I "settled" for what I thought was the best I could have in my life at the time. Now I have changed and continue to change, but my spouse is not interested in personal growth. As a matter of fact, she has decided that I have a "psychological problem" now.

So to answer your question, yes, I have "fallen out of love", I suppose. But I prefer to think of it as bottoming. I bottomed in the relationship and realized that what I thought was love was mostly sickness and narcissistic need. There was/is some genuine affection involved, but I have come to understand love as something different. Something that I can only aspire to in the future, as my HP leads me.