When will I let go of my resentment?

Old 04-17-2009, 09:36 AM
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When will I let go of my resentment?

My STBXAH has been to AA meetings daily since Monday, read the Big Book, and has seen a counselor twice with 2 more appointments next week. He is being sincerely kind to me and the kids, has admitted to us that he is an alcoholic, and apologized for his past abuse.

I know, it's only been 5 days. He is aware that I am not postponing the divorce, and after the initial begging on Monday hasn't asked me to again. At my advice he hired an attorney and just seems to be happily moving on with working on his stuff. But it's only been 5 days.

I am feeling anger, resentment, at times even rage about all of these "positive" changes. I fully realize it is way too early to tell if any of it will become permanent, and how much of it is manipulation. It just infuriates me that for years the mere utterance of counseling or AA brought out a beast in him, and now he is quietly and humbly participating in both. I guess I need to accept the fact that I couldn't change him. It's a hard for me to come to terms with that. It's hard to know that he really could be a better dad, a better person without me. It's even harder to accept that my illness was keeping him sick all these years.

My hope and prayer is that we can both go on and live full, happy, healthy lives. That seperately we can parent better than we were able to together. I should be grateful for that possibility. It's still so hard.
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Old 04-17-2009, 09:41 AM
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5 days is a drop in the bucket. Time will tell, and I'd be willing to bet it's all show right now.

Resentment shuts me off from the sunlight of the spirit. It's replaying the same angry tape over and over and over in my head.

Whenever I've had resentments pop up, my sponsor has me sit down and write a letter to whoever I have a resentment against. I do not send it. The letter is for me, and me only, to relieve me of that resentment.

I let it all loose in the letter. Then I tuck it away for a month, come back to it and add or revamp or whatever I feel needs to be done.

When I feel everything is said that needs to be said, I burn it and let go of the resentment.

:ghug :ghug :ghug
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Old 04-17-2009, 09:47 AM
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Wow, I know exactly how you feel. I don't have any real advice but want to say thanks for expressing this. It is hard to realize that others have the same emotions.

Sometimes my RAH acts like there was never anything wrong and that the place always smelled like roses. It is hard to deal with that when I feel so much hurt. I know I caused some of this myself, by not standing up earlier. I sometimes wish I could transfer that hurt to him, since he was to drunk to feel much of anything most of the time.

I hope your post will bring words we both can use.
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Old 04-17-2009, 09:50 AM
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Today I woke up kind of angry. I know why. I know who with.

I can't tell this person what I think and feel (and to be honest even if I could it probably wouldn't make a blind bit of difference) so I have started an open letter to them. I'm not planning on sending it and they will probably never read it, but it sure made me feel better doing it.

It is saved on the computer to add to whenever I need to. It's like letting the metaphorical poison out... and it is better out than in.
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Old 04-17-2009, 09:59 AM
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When I first came her, I, too, wanted to jump immediately to "forgiveness" and just stuff everything behind me.
I was told that it is too soon. I needed to feel my feelings before I could heal from them and let go.

Now, I am very recently divorced..and similar to your situation...all of a sudden he could do all the things that he couldn't/wouldn't do before that had caused me such frustration. I was so hurt, angry, resentful!

But, even tho' I don't know what is going on with him now....I can realize that alot of it was probably, while good, an initial reaction and would be hard to sustain, one can't change their thinking, habits of a lifetime etc overnight.
I hope he is well. But those intitial moves would take sustained determination and effort.
And if he couldn't do it before, he didn't just magically get it overnight.
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Old 04-17-2009, 10:17 AM
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Journaling was my outlet. I had so much anger, resentment...........actually intense RAGE, that I had to find a way to release it. I didn't want to let loose here on SR, and I couldn't (obviously) let it out in front of my kids, so all I had was my counselor. But, I only saw her for one hour a week, and I had WAY more rage than an hour a week could dissipate. I still have the first journal I started right before I kicked my AH out of the house. I call it my "book of anger" lol.

L
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Old 04-17-2009, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd View Post
I hope he is well. But those intitial moves would take sustained determination and effort.
And if he couldn't do it before, he didn't just magically get it overnight.
You make a very good point, Live. It doesn't happen overnight.

We do ourselves a terrible injustice when we compare our insides with other people's outsides. I spent so much of my life doing that, and was absolutely miserable.

I know for me, as a recovering alcoholic, it took years and a lot of hard work to start becoming the kind of person I could actually look in the mirror at and like, let alone love.
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Old 04-17-2009, 10:21 AM
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I also find the shower is a good place to have a good cry or let out an 'aarrrgggghhh'.
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Old 04-17-2009, 12:13 PM
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Okay, first let's look at what a resentment is or where it comes from. A resentment is because somebody didn't meet OUR EXPECTATIONS. My sponsor's husband said to me one day, when I was boiling over with resentments:

"What is he/she/it/they not doing, what I want he/she/it/they to do, when you want he/she/it/they to do it, to make you more comfortable?"

Well, sheesh, talk about getting 'knocked upside the head'. That phrase has stuck with me for over 25 years now, and it works every time to get ME out of resentment mode.

A resentment will leave when we(I) am more miserable carrying it around than I can stand.

I would suspect he is making sure that he tells you of every meeting and appointment. This my dear is STILL QUACKING. He is still trying to keep his nice cushy nest, and if he can keep this up for a few weeks you just might change your mind.

Forgetaboutit. Go on with your plans. Get the divorce. If this is the impetus for him to finally seek recovery, than maybe somewhere down the road (3 to 5years, lol) y'all may get back together or you may not.

I suspect part of your resentment is being caused by that niggling thought in the back of your head that goes something like:

"well if he can get recovery now, why couldn't he do it all those years ago before all this mess?"

I am just not sure this isn't another 'ploy' on his part to get you to stop the proceedings.

How about instead of wasting all that energy on the 'whys' and the 'what ifs' etc you take that eneregy and do something good for you and the kids and on the fact that the ONLY PERSON we can change is ourselves.

When our children are born they are little sponges. It is up to us as parents to teach them, to help 'mold' them into what we hope will be a 'responsible member of society.' But, the time comes (usually in their teens) when we have to come to terms with the facts that they do have 'free will' and there are choices they are going to have to make for themselves and consequences they will have to pay if they make a wrong choice. We cannot change that. We gave them the tools.

Your H was given those tools also and took some wrong turns and became addicted. Nothing your could have done or can do now will change the fact he ids an addict. What he does with that addiction is UP TO HIM.

So, how about putting the spotlight back on you. Let the resentment go, it's not helping you at all and enjoy those children and the rest of your life.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-17-2009, 01:50 PM
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My half cent on this, to me resentment is closely tied with anger. As soon as I get my anger out, with exercise or journaling, resentment will get out too.

Also, when playing the tape of all the hurt HE caused, all the promises he DIDN'T keep, how CRUEL he was with me, etc. I shift focus and think:

-of the hurt I caused. I hurt him too. He cried because of me, too. At least once.
-I have not kept important promises. The most important one, taking care of MYSELF. I have found I resent MYSELF for letting so many people hurt me, for not protecting my body and my heart.
-I have been cruel to many people too. I have done really bad, harmful, stupid things. Ultimately I have been cruel with others and with myself.

So, shifting focus, I get so much material that I CAN start working on, that the feelings related to "what others did to me" lose importance. I no longer feel like a victim, but an equal player on this madness called being human - although one that finally -out of pain- got tired of destruction.

I made the promise to myself, not to ever hurt someone else, and not to harm myself anymore, believing any other opinions about me, believing lies about who I really am. Part of not hurting myself anymore is refusing to carry any more resentment. The antidote for that IMHO is compassion.
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Old 04-17-2009, 02:17 PM
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Hello, Blessed. Thanks for asking the question I had in my mind. I do not want to be resentful. I find that I become the Persecutor when I feel resentment. I don't journal but think I will really have a go at that. 12 years of bottled up resentment has made me feel pretty numb. I guess one can only manage a certain quantity of emotion and when the max is reached and it's all resentment, there is no room for the other good emotions. Love, compassion, happiness.......
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Old 04-17-2009, 03:12 PM
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Heavens, until I managed to make some serious progress on myself, I felt all sorts of resentment and anger and all sorts of other emotions. It takes time to work on you. It takes time to process the emotions. And remember you have reason to feel resentment and anger and everything else. Don't epect those emotions to go away on any particular tie table. You will feel them I think as long as they are surrounding issues you are dealing with. But you will process them, they will fade and you will get a healthier perspective on it all if you continue to work on yourself.
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Old 04-17-2009, 03:59 PM
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And let's not forget that he cheated on you a couple of weeks ago. That could lead to some resentment also.
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Old 04-17-2009, 06:48 PM
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I am also dealing with this issue. My STBXAH is a resident in a sober house and has been for the past month. When I get angry that he couldn't have gotten sober without losing everything, I remind myself that this disease is so progessive that if he drinks again he will die. That pretty much cools the anger and resentment, because I don't doubt that it is totally fatal. As hard as my life is without him, I wouldn't want to trade places with him either. He has a long and very difficult road ahead of him. I pray he makes it, as I don't want my children to grow up without their father in thier lives.

Shotz
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Old 04-17-2009, 09:23 PM
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Thank you all for your responses. I feel like part of my problem is that I've got my mom telling me I should "meet him halfway" and that "how will I ever know if he's trying if I don't give him a chance".

My counselor says that I have functioned for so long on the complacent (doormat) end of the spectrum that I should give myself a little grace in trying to find a balance. She feels like my outbursts are quite healthy for me in finding my voice, and that with time (like Barbara said) I will find that place of balance where I can be assertive without being aggressive, and no longer let people trample me before I finally completely blow.

Sillysquirrel....thanks for bringing up the cheating. I think my STBXAH did more damage in one night of infidelity (although certainly there must have been more) than he did in 21 years of drinking. No matter how much he grows through AA and therapy, I doubt that I can EVER have a level of trust with him that would allow me to be truly intimate.

It seems like just about the time I was starting to have some "normal" days after the loss of my dad, I am now faced with grieving the loss of my marriage.
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Old 04-17-2009, 10:15 PM
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Blessed 4x asked: When will I let go of my resentment?
Andrew replied:

When they pry your fingers from his cold dead neck?

Don't listen to your mother, jesus, where do you think you learned this crap in the first place? lol sorry

Look it's normal to feel this way, guys been a w@nker, drunken, abusive, infidelities...IDK my version of "meeting him halfway" would be to kick him in the crotch, that's halfway up his body innit?

Just work on taking care of yourself, and if you feel the need to holler and cry a bit, do that too.

Don't buy his "product" it's new and unproven and will be for a few years.

It just takes time.

Take that time for yourself, take all the time you need. Time to take care of you now.
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Old 04-18-2009, 05:15 AM
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I feel like part of my problem is that I've got my mom telling me I should "meet him halfway" and that "how will I ever know if he's trying if I don't give him a chance".
My mother drove me absolutely bonkers with this kind of stuff while I was splitting with my XAH.

She, of course, has had her own marriage problems in 45+ years, but has never lived with someone who is out of control, dishonest and unreliable.

It hurt. It hurt a LOT, that my own mother seemed to be more on the side of the X who had caused me so much suffering.

I am now (years later) getting to the place with my mother that when she says these sorts of things (which feel like rejection and criticism to me), where I can say "I'll take that into consideration," take some deep breaths and not allow my mind to go into that hurtful place.

She doesn't know what it's like. She helped to create my self-doubting emotional state. She is, frankly, the least qualified person to give advice in this situation.

If you have the kind of relationship where you can say this, perhaps something along the lines of: "right now, Mom, I just need to feel that you are on my side and that you love and support me unconditionally, even if you don't agree with my decisions."

It's not a rule that you have to discuss your relationship with your AH with your mother.

You are the one living this. You are the one who has the obligation to take care of yourself and your children.

It has taken me about two years to get to the place where I no longer feel anger toward my XAH. It just takes time. If you keep doing what you're doing, getting support from SR and your HP and Alanon, maybe it will come sooner for you. It's worth working toward, because it really does hurt you more than anyone.

But it takes time and work!

(((hugs)))
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Old 04-18-2009, 05:41 AM
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Parents are not always the best advice givers. Especially those with the "old" gender role ideas. Women should put up with everything the man dishes out as long as he is providing for the family.

My father told me last year that he would remain friends with my ex, if I was to break up with him as he was a good man and had treated me very well. Fast forward 6 months when ex's drinking, lying and infidelity was uncovered. Dad sings a different tune now. Ex has been disrespectful to my father in recent months, so once he saw it first hand he realized how bad it had gotten.

We are all no contact with ex now. HIS new fiance tries to contact one of us (my family) each week...crazy.
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Old 04-18-2009, 05:45 AM
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Blessed. You can only control your life. You can't control his recovery. You gave him many chances. You decided to leave for your own sanity. Your goal in leaving was not to get him sober. You left because you were done with it. Whether he drinks or is sober, he is in the hands of his higher power (which I choose to call God) and I believe that you don't know more than God so trust that your husband is where he should be and leave him there.

In a similar story my husband only found AA because I was leaving. Had I been true to myself, I would have left because he was already on borrowed time anyway. But he said what I wanted to hear and I have stayed. And it has been at a cost. He has a lot of anger, going to AA on an ad-hoc basis, not really finding recovery or his higher power. I'm not making any decisions now and will wait for a year of sobriety (if he makes it) but ...I really don't know what to say about my marriage. I'm not positive about the future. I take it a day at a time. I go to Al-Anon to find happiness in spite of my husband.

I think you are awesome for sticking to your guns.
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Old 04-18-2009, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
I feel like part of my problem is that I've got my mom telling me I should "meet him halfway" and that "how will I ever know if he's trying if I don't give him a chance".
Tell Mom to buzz off! That you don't want or need to meet an abusive, cheating butt hole half way on anything!
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