isurvived

I was married for 27 years to an alcoholic. Like everyone, I gave him many chances to seek help and get his life straightened around so we could save the marriage. Many, many chances. Several times I filed for divorce, only to take him back — with belief in his promises to maintain his sobriety and work on it everyday.

He'd go along for sometimes years and be OK, but then fall off the wagon. Each time it got worse, and he'd be further alongin the progression of his disease. Eventually, we were at a place where I realized I'd have to jump ship or go down with him — so I made the final decision to jump.

Two years have passed, my divorce is still not final, but the final court date is approaching at last. We haven't had any contact other than through our lawyers, due to the addition of domestic violence incidences from the past. That has been a good thing for me - to keep the distance until my mind was resolved and my heart hardened - figuratively speaking.

What I am struggling with now is the fallout from all the bad consequences from the drinking. He left the state, moved far away, and left all his "fallout" behind. I'm dealing with all that now. FInancial stuff, unpaid bills, undisclosed problems he was burdened with. He's doing the "georgraphical cure".

It is overwhelming me. To add to that, I lost my job due to layoffs with the economy, and am really struggling to keep up with everything. To add insult to injury our marital property settlement means I'll have to sell my home. He gets half - regardless of what he's done to our lives..it's the law in our state = no fault divorce. I think that is so unfair. He ought to walk away with nothing I feel — for he's destroyed our family and made the choice of drinking over his family.

This all makes me so frustrated and angry. I feel as if I'm mired in quicksand and just can't find a firm path and relief from the consequences of his drinking.

Freedom1990

I don't know what else to say except that I am sorry, and am sending you some hugs! :ghug

Chrysalis123

I am so sorry. I too left an 18 year marriage, and that has been diificult. I can only imagine how hard this is for you after 27 years.

I have been/am dealing with anger and resentment toward XAH. Someone told me this, "Holding on to a resentment is like drinking poison but expecting the other person to die." That hit home for me.

I had to come to the point where I accepted what was happening. Most days I do. The days I don't I start to spiral back into my own sickness.

For me, individual counseling, alanon, and reading recovery oriented books have helped in my recovery.

LaTeeDa

Apologies in advance for my bluntness.

The two quotes above are at odds with each other. In the first one, you take responsibility for giving him endless chances, taking him back over and over. In the second one, you are the victim of his drinking.

I found that when I took responsibility for the consequences of my actions, I took my power back. As long as every bad thing in my life was his fault, he still had power over me.

Divorcing an alcoholic is difficult and often unfair (believe me, I know from experience). But, you will survive and come out the other side. It's up to you whether you come out empowered or victimized.

L

Barbara52

I too am in the midst of dealing with financial consequences. But I look at it as a cost of my having made the bad decision to marry a man I knew to be an A, a cost of not leaving him sooner.

I am responsible for my choices.

Is it fair that I have to dole out $ for all that went along with the marriage? Nope. But I made those choices and those choices have negative consequences for me. It is not xAH's fault I made the bad choices that have put me in this position.

Such is life. I'll come out alright in the end. It just will take some time to pay the actual bills associated with my choices.

isurvived

No apology needed. That is what I like about this site — a person can actually get feedback and advice!

I do feel like a victim at this point, quite honestly! Maybe that is what has the "hair up on my back." After all those years of second chances, and then finally coming to the realization that the situation wasn't going to improve — making the decision for MYSELF to call it quits...now I am moving foward without him and feeling quite good about that... but I'm finding myself resentful that I'm the one that has to clean up the messes he caused — while he's off on a "geographica cure". I'm also angry with myelf for letting it go on so long — the prime years of my life. I hope I can get it behind me soon and get on with my happy life. Life has been good since he's been gone.

I guess it takes time to let the anger and resentment die.

Again, thank for the feedback.

nowwhat

I started feeling a lot better when I quit thinking about what my XAH was doing and started working toward improving my situation.

I'm no saint and I still sometimes resent that I got stuck with the debt, full time work and full time parenting.

Thing is, it doesn't change my life to be angry about his. All it does is drain my energy and take my attention off the many things I have to be very grateful for.

(And yeah, admitting my choices in all this--painful!--but does give me something to work on that I actually influence).

flyfree76

I have no advice but wanted to give you some positive energy!