breakingfree88

UGH I want to relapse so bad into my codie behaviors!!
And to be honest I already have...but I have cravings to do more!
But I NEED to stop...not for him but for me...I'm doing nothing but driving myself INSANE.

He convinced me to talk to him on the phone and everything was wonderful. He told me that he wanted to talk to me more when he got home (driving home from night class) and that he would call me if I was still awake.

Well, I expected to wait about 45 min. 3+ hours later, I still had not heard from him. He finally texted and said he was at his friend's (pothead)'s house and that time just 'got away from him' but that he 'spent the whole time talking about us'.

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

I went serious Codie and texted him a guilt trip and a half. Told him that 'time really gets away from ya when you're smokin' weed don't it.' And told him not to call me. I wanted him to feel super guilty.
And then, I answered the phone to fight with him.
All he did was apologize for the misunderstanding and deny smoking weed. Offered to buy a drug test to prove it. (BULL!!!!! Plus, if he has ANY money extra it better come to me to pay off his debts! My fault, who in their right mind loans money to an addict????)

I feel really bad for several reasons.

1) I relapsed into my codie behavior and let it get the best of me
2) This didn't benefit me obviously (my heart's racing and my blood pressure is up there...familiar feelings from the codie days) but it also didn't benefit him. I know that he deserves whatever comes his way when it comes to addiction but I hate when I hurt him. I don't want to hurt him or help him. Just learn to leave him be.

I'm sad. and I'm sorry I messed up.

I just hate that someone I loved so much and was going to marry had to march out and destroy everything. And want me to comfort him.
:wtf2:

BayAreaPhoenix

((((((breakingfree))))))

We are human too! You know. You don't need to beat yourself up! We love, we care. But, when we have the tools to see how it didn't benefit us, or anyone else - then we have learned. Give yourself a break. Tonight was a baby-step back, for a few minutes relatively speaking, it sounds like. You know - you know what to do for yourself.

Progress not perfection.

I'm sorry you went thru this tho, it can't have felt good.

Lots of hugs coming your way!

breakingfree88

Bay,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. They've made me feel a lot better about my slip-up and how I can get back on the right track. Lots of hugs right back to you.
Love,
Holly

Callie

The good thing is that you realize what you did and can change it for when the next time happens. You can break the cycle of your behavior because you're AWARE of what you did this time. It takes many of us months/years to realize this cycle and break it. Go easy on yourself and get back on track.

Serenity Bound

breakingfree, my goodness, I can't tell you how many times I've slipped back into codie behaviors, the good news is, I now recognize this alot faster, and can break the cycle.

"progress not perfection"

sojourner

funny, i can get back into codie behavior without really even having contact with AS. I do that by having thoughts of driving by where he used to live to see if he is storing his car there - or if i know where he works driving by to see if his car is there - or getting on the jail locator site and seeing if he is in jail (this particular one i'm vulnerable to if i've been on the internet). And, yes, even getting on this site too much and having my thoughts revolve around the subject of addiction can just be codie behavior for me.... it's just such a hard habit to break - and good grief, i work here at home with no one around to talk to most of the time, so i really have to be careful about that...

kj3880

I agree, even being here can be a relapse. If you look at it, it's still us spending a lot of time thinking about addicts, isn't it?

It's hard to decide what amount of time thinking about and posting about our own recovery and behavior relative to the situations we are in appropriate or sufficient for serious reflection about us being codependent and how to avoid that as opposed to us just dwelling on it and becoming obsessed even more with addicts in our lives.

Sometimes I think about my own codependency so much that it becomes obsessive. Like a dog chasing it's own tail. I find myself marvelling about exabf's behavior over and over. Like, was I a total idiot when he did this or that and I stuck with him??? What was wrong with me that I found this acceptable??? Over and over, I can't believe what I put up with and I get so mad at me for doing it. I can't let it go yet. Know what I mean?

KJ

sojourner

yes, i do know what you mean. i have two other adult children who are leading lives of integrity - and i have to work at focusing my thoughts on them. But when it comes to the addict in my life, i have to focus on NOT thinking about that subject.

okay, this is my last time today on this site and last time today thinking about addiction...

breakingfree88

Hey guys,
Thanks for everything.
I understand what you are saying. Sometimes even this site can get to us. But atleast the message here is recovery. Even if we are obsessing about our codie behaviors, the message I get here is that I can get better and do better and that I'll make it through if I just get back on track and keep myself first.
You just don't get that when you 'stalk' your Addict (online or in real life).