Need to Vent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Need to Vent
Even in recovery, I continue to be plagued with addicts and their selfishness. As many of you know, I'm a recovering addict and codie (doubly blessed, I guess!). As such, I'm planning on going to the NA convention this weekend. It's turning into a nightmare. I wrote about it on the 12-step forum, but I thought you all might like the story too:
A woman in my home group, S., asked me if I wanted to share a room with her at the convention and it sounded OK. She's been clean 7 years and has a job, seems very responsible, is the group treasurer.
Then last week, she called me at work and told me "there is only one room left at the hotel (a king room, so we have to share the bed. Ugh.). Can you make the reservation because I don't have my credit card at my work?" I agreed to do it, and she said she would give me cash the next time I saw her. I had been expecting her to reserve it, as I'm only one-year into recovery. Usually the way it goes is the person with more time kind of helps out the person with less time.
I saw her Saturday at a meeting and no mention was made of the money she owed, but I figured that she will pay me at the conference. I hope so.
She was talking with one of the new girls at the meeting and asked her if she was going to the convention. Ther girl said "Oh me and R. want to go, but we can't afford it." So S. asked me, right in front of the girls "KJ, can they go with us?" I tried explaining that there is only one king-sized bed in the room. So where would they sleep? Well, S. said, "Oh, they are young they can sleep on the sofa or the floor." And they agreed.
I was horrified by the idea of sharing a one-bed hotel room with three people, two of whom I do not know at all. But I figure maybe I should not be so selfish. They are newcomers, after all, and we are supposed to be a fellowship and all that.
Fast forward to today: the two new girls called to say they cannot go. I am overjoyed. I can relax, knowing we will have enough room to sleep comfortably. But S. is saying she is unhappy about it, because now she will have to pay a full half of the room rate (only $100 for the whole weekend! And she hasn't paid a cent as of yet!) I tell her "well, I don't think they would have kicked in anything anyway. They are new and broke. Neither of them has a job, S."
I am wondering if they backed out because she told them they would have to pay. S. is complaining to me that she is "not well-off, as you obviously are." Resentfully.
Here's the kicker: then S. tells me "Oh I need you to drive me. My car doesn't run that well to go that far." It is only a 2-hour drive! I was going to drive by myself because I have teens at home, and you just never know if you might have to go home suddenly to deal with them, or work crisis that can come up. I tried to explain that to her. She was like "I'll be able to find another way home if you have to leave."
Then here's the final blow: After all that, she has the nerve to ask "Um..what sort of car do you drive?" I tell her and she says "Does the air conditioner work?" What a nerve!!!! Typical addict. Manipulative, self-seeking, inconsiderate behavior.
I should have lied and told her I drive a rusted-out chevy with four-on-the-floor and no radio or air. It leaks exhaust and has to be push-started...lol...
Silly me, I had thought that she wanted to go to the convention with me because she enjoyed my company. Now I suspect I'm just one of about two (the other being my sponsor) women in the fellowship with a valid credit card and a decent-running car.
The longer I stay in NA, the more sickened I get. I think I'm going to get out of there. I'm tired of being preyed upon by the feral people in my area. I think I might seriously be too naive for NA. Sickening. You know, I was never like that as an addict. I always paid my own way.
Love,
KJ
A woman in my home group, S., asked me if I wanted to share a room with her at the convention and it sounded OK. She's been clean 7 years and has a job, seems very responsible, is the group treasurer.
Then last week, she called me at work and told me "there is only one room left at the hotel (a king room, so we have to share the bed. Ugh.). Can you make the reservation because I don't have my credit card at my work?" I agreed to do it, and she said she would give me cash the next time I saw her. I had been expecting her to reserve it, as I'm only one-year into recovery. Usually the way it goes is the person with more time kind of helps out the person with less time.
I saw her Saturday at a meeting and no mention was made of the money she owed, but I figured that she will pay me at the conference. I hope so.
She was talking with one of the new girls at the meeting and asked her if she was going to the convention. Ther girl said "Oh me and R. want to go, but we can't afford it." So S. asked me, right in front of the girls "KJ, can they go with us?" I tried explaining that there is only one king-sized bed in the room. So where would they sleep? Well, S. said, "Oh, they are young they can sleep on the sofa or the floor." And they agreed.
I was horrified by the idea of sharing a one-bed hotel room with three people, two of whom I do not know at all. But I figure maybe I should not be so selfish. They are newcomers, after all, and we are supposed to be a fellowship and all that.
Fast forward to today: the two new girls called to say they cannot go. I am overjoyed. I can relax, knowing we will have enough room to sleep comfortably. But S. is saying she is unhappy about it, because now she will have to pay a full half of the room rate (only $100 for the whole weekend! And she hasn't paid a cent as of yet!) I tell her "well, I don't think they would have kicked in anything anyway. They are new and broke. Neither of them has a job, S."
I am wondering if they backed out because she told them they would have to pay. S. is complaining to me that she is "not well-off, as you obviously are." Resentfully.
Here's the kicker: then S. tells me "Oh I need you to drive me. My car doesn't run that well to go that far." It is only a 2-hour drive! I was going to drive by myself because I have teens at home, and you just never know if you might have to go home suddenly to deal with them, or work crisis that can come up. I tried to explain that to her. She was like "I'll be able to find another way home if you have to leave."
Then here's the final blow: After all that, she has the nerve to ask "Um..what sort of car do you drive?" I tell her and she says "Does the air conditioner work?" What a nerve!!!! Typical addict. Manipulative, self-seeking, inconsiderate behavior.
I should have lied and told her I drive a rusted-out chevy with four-on-the-floor and no radio or air. It leaks exhaust and has to be push-started...lol...
Silly me, I had thought that she wanted to go to the convention with me because she enjoyed my company. Now I suspect I'm just one of about two (the other being my sponsor) women in the fellowship with a valid credit card and a decent-running car.
The longer I stay in NA, the more sickened I get. I think I'm going to get out of there. I'm tired of being preyed upon by the feral people in my area. I think I might seriously be too naive for NA. Sickening. You know, I was never like that as an addict. I always paid my own way.
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I'm sorry your fellowship isn't all it's supposed to be. While I'm on the codie side, I go to NA meetings here with my boss/friend - can't tell you how much it helped me when I first started on this path. In our small town - and after going to the NA convention last year, I saw our fellowship is different - meaning, it's mainly about recovery and we have lots of members that are 10, 15 and 20+ years in recovery - thankfully. I'm sorry you are experiencing this type of behavior. It's too bad as in NA, while everyone is just a person too, seems like if everyone is working on their recovery...
Hopefully the convention will be worth it - are you still going? We just had ours a week or two ago. I didn't go this year, but heard it was a lot better than last year.
Well, whatever your choice - if that fellowship doesn't offer you what you need/want - then hopefully you can find some other type of support that does. It's too bad, but if that's the way it is - it's their loss!
(((hugs)))
Hopefully the convention will be worth it - are you still going? We just had ours a week or two ago. I didn't go this year, but heard it was a lot better than last year.
Well, whatever your choice - if that fellowship doesn't offer you what you need/want - then hopefully you can find some other type of support that does. It's too bad, but if that's the way it is - it's their loss!
(((hugs)))
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I saw your other thread, how frustrating.
Sometimes I think that if you are responsible,
mature, or act like an adult, there are times
you pay the price for it....
I've been dealing with some of the most insane
stuff with roommates, things that make my head
spin, that I would never do to people.
I don't think it's necessarily NA people, I think
it's just harder these days to find people who
have high values or standards.
I could be wrong, it just seems like more people
look for the easy way out, or they look for
people to give them the easy way out.
.
I think the stronger we get in our recovery the
less these things will happen.
You come first....
I totally think it was wrong of her to put you in the
position that she did, of asking about the girls in
front of you
If you would have said No, that would have been
your right, and that would not have made you
selfish.
Your recovery, Your right.....
JMO
Sometimes I think that if you are responsible,
mature, or act like an adult, there are times
you pay the price for it....
I've been dealing with some of the most insane
stuff with roommates, things that make my head
spin, that I would never do to people.
I don't think it's necessarily NA people, I think
it's just harder these days to find people who
have high values or standards.
I could be wrong, it just seems like more people
look for the easy way out, or they look for
people to give them the easy way out.
.
I think the stronger we get in our recovery the
less these things will happen.
You come first....
I totally think it was wrong of her to put you in the
position that she did, of asking about the girls in
front of you
If you would have said No, that would have been
your right, and that would not have made you
selfish.
Your recovery, Your right.....
JMO
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I just don't know how to make this type of stuff stop happening. I have the feeling that my instincts on who to trust are just "off." I don't know how to set myself right. I stopped dating so that I wouldn't let any more "bad boys" into my life until I got some sense. But now I'm choosing women who are not right for me to be around. Even in the fellowship. It sucks and it's hard.
KJ
KJ
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by kj3880 
I just don't know how to make this type of stuff stop happening. I have the feeling that my instincts on who to trust are just "off." I don't know how to set myself right. I stopped dating so that I wouldn't let any more "bad boys" into my life until I got some sense. But now I'm choosing women who are not right for me to be around. Even in the fellowship. It sucks and it's hard.
KJ
KJ
I just went through a lot of huge drama with some x roommates,
I got screwed money wise, and it was mentally exhausting, etc.
Looking back, I can see how I set myself up, how I didn't establish
enough boundaries, etc.
Like maybe if you do this again,
I
saw her Saturday at a meeting and no mention was made of the money she owed, but I figured that she will pay me at the conference. I hope so.
Find out driving arrangement just by talking all this out with them.
I would do the same thing you would do, expect someone to do what I would do, but they don't.
I didn't get a deposit, I let my roommates pay their part of the utility bills
when they felt like it, etc. and I assumed I would get paid,
People do what works for them, if we keep letting them control the situation,
that's what they will do.
We have to learn to ask and say what we want, if you would have told that girl no, those two girls can't stay in our room, then there would be nothing to be upset about. (not that, that is happening). We have the right to voice our opinions and say what we want.
Her lack of money, lack of car, etc. does not have to become your problem, esp. when she is being manipulative about it.
I think as woman and girls we are taught to be nice, to take care of.
But we have to take care of ourselves first.
When we start setting boundaries, when we take care of ourselves
and stop letting people take advantage of us,
I'm choosing women who are not right for me to be around.
It's like if someone is standing on your foot, get them off.
But we tend to let them stand their for a long time before we
kick them off. In the mean time they are holding us down.
That's my experience anyway.
I have struggled with similar things to what you are talking about
often, esp. with the whole roommate thing. I forget where that
being nice line is, and ohhh now they are taking advantage and
my friends are reading me the riot act.... It's very frustrating..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I tend to agree with Done - that all people are full of self-centered, manipulative, defensive behaviors. At other times, I think that addicts are more so (I mean in recovery - of course we are when using!!). either way, having NO expectations is the best way to go. Or maybe having the expectation that others will NOT hold up thier end, and will NOT be as responsible as I'm likely to be. I don't lend $ unless I consider it a gift in the first place. I don't even lend books to my best friends because its quite likely I'll never get the book back. But I might buy the book for them as a gift for a birthday or clean time celebration. yeah, it still does bother me when people don't show up the way that i want them to or the way that I do - but i really do know that most people are in a much less responsible 'head' than I am at any given moment. I expect people to be late, to often not show up at all, to not return phone calls, to not do much of what they say they will do. and i really value those who are reliable and have integrity. Another thing i have recently (maybe the past year or two)noticed, is that people in recovery have HUGE blind spots when it comes to their own behavior. Even those who have worked a bunch of steps. They may 'see' many things/defects about themselves, but sometimes I swear they miss the most obvious stuff that everyone else can see about them. I know i missed defects in myself for years, that others saw just as plain as the nose on my face - my self-pity and victimhood stuff, for example. it took a really long to see it, and might take the rest of my life to have it removed (fully). but really, the more I stick around, the more I see stuff like NA members who have worked steps and sponsor many others who routinely shoplift, or lie with pathological frequency, or are so controlling they act like they never heard of a first step.
But here's another thing to consider before leaving the followship - the disease of addiction wants nothing more than to separate us from the fellowship by whatever means it can. Once we are cut off from other recovery addicts and from meetings, we are highly vulnerable once again to the disease's lies. don't allow this to happen to you. Better to work on lowering your expectation, and of course, setting boundaries up front (like somebody already said) is a good idea too.
But here's another thing to consider before leaving the followship - the disease of addiction wants nothing more than to separate us from the fellowship by whatever means it can. Once we are cut off from other recovery addicts and from meetings, we are highly vulnerable once again to the disease's lies. don't allow this to happen to you. Better to work on lowering your expectation, and of course, setting boundaries up front (like somebody already said) is a good idea too.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I have no answers for this, except next time, you will use the one word sentence .............. NO .................................
This time, you might want to let her know she has to pay for 1/2 the gas if she is riding with you and when you check in, tell them NO ROOM SERVICE except COD or she may try and use room service also.
Sorry to sound a bit cynical, but I too learned the hard way. If this ever occurs again, where you are invited to 'share a room' and then get the call asking you to make the reservation as their credit card is at home, my stock answer is "I don't carry mine with me, so you can make the reservation when you get home."
I know that doesn't help for this weekend, however, this is a good learning experience for you. I bet it won't happen to you again.
It's not just NA. It's life. There are always some folks out there trying to take advantage of others. I have learned, as you will have to, just be very cautious.
I hope you can enjoy the convention, remember you are just 'sharing a room' you do not have to 'pal around with her,' 'eat with her,' or do anything with her.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
This time, you might want to let her know she has to pay for 1/2 the gas if she is riding with you and when you check in, tell them NO ROOM SERVICE except COD or she may try and use room service also.
Sorry to sound a bit cynical, but I too learned the hard way. If this ever occurs again, where you are invited to 'share a room' and then get the call asking you to make the reservation as their credit card is at home, my stock answer is "I don't carry mine with me, so you can make the reservation when you get home."
I know that doesn't help for this weekend, however, this is a good learning experience for you. I bet it won't happen to you again.
It's not just NA. It's life. There are always some folks out there trying to take advantage of others. I have learned, as you will have to, just be very cautious.
I hope you can enjoy the convention, remember you are just 'sharing a room' you do not have to 'pal around with her,' 'eat with her,' or do anything with her.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I have no answers for this, except next time, you will use the one word sentence .............. NO .................................
This time, you might want to let her know she has to pay for 1/2 the gas if she is riding with you and when you check in, tell them NO ROOM SERVICE except COD or she may try and use room service also.
Sorry to sound a bit cynical, but I too learned the hard way. If this ever occurs again, where you are invited to 'share a room' and then get the call asking you to make the reservation as their credit card is at home, my stock answer is "I don't carry mine with me, so you can make the reservation when you get home."
I know that doesn't help for this weekend, however, this is a good learning experience for you. I bet it won't happen to you again.
It's not just NA. It's life. There are always some folks out there trying to take advantage of others. I have learned, as you will have to, just be very cautious.
I hope you can enjoy the convention, remember you are just 'sharing a room' you do not have to 'pal around with her,' 'eat with her,' or do anything with her.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
This time, you might want to let her know she has to pay for 1/2 the gas if she is riding with you and when you check in, tell them NO ROOM SERVICE except COD or she may try and use room service also.
Sorry to sound a bit cynical, but I too learned the hard way. If this ever occurs again, where you are invited to 'share a room' and then get the call asking you to make the reservation as their credit card is at home, my stock answer is "I don't carry mine with me, so you can make the reservation when you get home."
I know that doesn't help for this weekend, however, this is a good learning experience for you. I bet it won't happen to you again.
It's not just NA. It's life. There are always some folks out there trying to take advantage of others. I have learned, as you will have to, just be very cautious.
I hope you can enjoy the convention, remember you are just 'sharing a room' you do not have to 'pal around with her,' 'eat with her,' or do anything with her.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Oh....lets get together here and come up with plan B for you...you don't need this!
The weekend has not even started yet...Red Flags!
Is it to late to cancel the room? Get your money back?
Maybe she quite her addiction to the drug, but went onto addicted to using, should you still have to share a room, hide your purse.
But I really want to congradulate you for time clean...! You are one strong person with great values and it shows. Getting on here and posting that you are an addict is such a step for you. Plus sharing such concerns over a problem that you are having to deal with and asking for help....wow! You are on going to a convention for your own selfworth...you don't need a tail dragging on your butt to drag you down. She has to go!
Come on everyone...lets get our heads together and get her out of this...
Rose
The weekend has not even started yet...Red Flags!
Is it to late to cancel the room? Get your money back?
Maybe she quite her addiction to the drug, but went onto addicted to using, should you still have to share a room, hide your purse.
But I really want to congradulate you for time clean...! You are one strong person with great values and it shows. Getting on here and posting that you are an addict is such a step for you. Plus sharing such concerns over a problem that you are having to deal with and asking for help....wow! You are on going to a convention for your own selfworth...you don't need a tail dragging on your butt to drag you down. She has to go!
Come on everyone...lets get our heads together and get her out of this...
Rose
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 30
As the weekend hasn't yet started, why not ask for the money up front? If she says she'll pay later, you gently say that you cannot afford to fund it for her or if she says she hasn't any money, go on your own, you would probably find it easier than going and worrying all the time. This is the thing that you are fighting for in your recovery - not to be used by people. She may get angry and upset with you, but that's her problem, not yours. If you cannot cancel, you can go alone - you would be absolutely fine. Why put yourself through all this, haven't you done the fighting for the rest of your recovery - you are far stronger than you feel - look how far you've come and you didn't do it by letting people walk all over you. Hope it all goes ok, take care.
Some French tart....
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Courville-sur-Eure. France.
Posts: 239
What you are going through is one of the hard facts of life.
I wonder if, by this woman calling herself a one time addict, is playing on this. By being an ex-addict, makes her a now 'good and respectable' person to be around and of course it is normal to play for her. NO WAY!! Do not give in. Please.
It hurts me to see you being treated this way. I am treated like that often. I hide my financial worries, and look as if I had enough money to live properly, BUT that does not give ANYONE the right to abuse me. There is a big difference in wanting to help out a fellow NAN member, and being manipulated by one. Don't let her take the ride in your car, your arguments concerning your family and work are valid ones.
Take care flower,
Lots of love,
Tish x
I wonder if, by this woman calling herself a one time addict, is playing on this. By being an ex-addict, makes her a now 'good and respectable' person to be around and of course it is normal to play for her. NO WAY!! Do not give in. Please.
It hurts me to see you being treated this way. I am treated like that often. I hide my financial worries, and look as if I had enough money to live properly, BUT that does not give ANYONE the right to abuse me. There is a big difference in wanting to help out a fellow NAN member, and being manipulated by one. Don't let her take the ride in your car, your arguments concerning your family and work are valid ones.
Take care flower,
Lots of love,
Tish x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by laurie6781
It's not just NA. It's life. There are always some folks out there trying to take advantage of others. I have learned, as you will have to, just be very cautious.
I was pretty naive early in my recovery, and was entirely too trusting of a lot of people.
As with anything else, I learned from my mistakes.
I did get a funny feeling when you first posted about this conference and the gal didn't have her credit card with her, but I told myself I was overreacting. I guess not!
:ghug :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
The people in NA or AA are people, just like people, everywhere. Some people take advantage of other people. This is what is happening to you.
When we live without boundaries, we have a tendency to attract people who will take advantage of us, because we let them.
Unspoken expectations lead to frustrations and in this case, it's to the point of writing off an entire organization. What's up with this?
Why not ask for payment upfront, right now. If she can't pay now, you certainly are not going to get it, later. And too darn bad if she get's miffed.
It's all about boundaries and as Laurie said, No is a complete sentence. That's where real recovery can be found.
When we live without boundaries, we have a tendency to attract people who will take advantage of us, because we let them.
Unspoken expectations lead to frustrations and in this case, it's to the point of writing off an entire organization. What's up with this?
Why not ask for payment upfront, right now. If she can't pay now, you certainly are not going to get it, later. And too darn bad if she get's miffed.
It's all about boundaries and as Laurie said, No is a complete sentence. That's where real recovery can be found.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
I agree with much of what has been said already. Ask for her part of the money now and if she says she doesn't have it, then tell her that you'll go to the convention alone and she needs to find someone else to mooch off of. Okay, you don't have to say that last part. 
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I agree with the others KJ - if she doesn't pay before, stay in the room alone. It stinks that the convention which is suppose to HELP you is already causing you stress. Hopefully you have a good time.
What's the saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. She got you the first time, now you know for future reference.
What's the saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. She got you the first time, now you know for future reference.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 161
I agree with the others. If she can't pay, upfront; I am willing to bet that she won't have money for food ~ or anything else. You certainly couldn't let her starve, over the weekend, and you will be stuck for all expenses.
I would go alone, if it were me. Without a roommate, you may have more opportunities to me meet other people.
I'll be thinking of you.
I would go alone, if it were me. Without a roommate, you may have more opportunities to me meet other people.
I'll be thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
kj, I agree with the others, ask for pmt now, if she can't pay, then you should use the room alone. I remember the second Alanon convention I went to, yep, had a member of my home group who was going, then at the last minute backed out. I ended up in a room with TWO other women who I didn't even know. Yikes!!! But I will tell you this, each & every convention I've gone to have been well worth it!!!! You will have an opportunity to meet other NA members from all over, you will hear great stories of recovery......it will be amazing.
I'm going to the Nar-anon convention next weekend (several members of my home group said they were going, we were going to share rides, etc.........now it's only a week away and as far as I can tell I'm the only one committed to going...........it doesn't matter, I'm going for me!)
Two things to remember with all people. 1. Set your boundaries, 2. NO expectations.
I believe you will have a wonderful time at the convention.
I'm going to the Nar-anon convention next weekend (several members of my home group said they were going, we were going to share rides, etc.........now it's only a week away and as far as I can tell I'm the only one committed to going...........it doesn't matter, I'm going for me!)
Two things to remember with all people. 1. Set your boundaries, 2. NO expectations.
I believe you will have a wonderful time at the convention.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
kj..
I am not in NA..used to be!
I am an addict and an alcoholic..just stick to AA now. It is working for me.
This member is involved in service work. But we "practice these principles in
all our affairs" and try to live in these programs that demand rigorous honesty.
This means honesty in dealings on an individual basis as well. In service one to another.
She made an agreement with you. Cash was to be paid the next time she saw
you. Instead..another "agreement" was laid upon you involving other people..
then, the car, etc. She should have been upfront about the whole situation
from the get go. You should have no qualms about asking for your money
(now). Or go alone. And if you feel you need your own car to be available during the
conference for (your) own needs for your family...keep it that way!
No one in NA or AA is ever expected to be used.
Hugs..
Sher
I am not in NA..used to be!
I am an addict and an alcoholic..just stick to AA now. It is working for me.
This member is involved in service work. But we "practice these principles in
all our affairs" and try to live in these programs that demand rigorous honesty.
This means honesty in dealings on an individual basis as well. In service one to another.
She made an agreement with you. Cash was to be paid the next time she saw
you. Instead..another "agreement" was laid upon you involving other people..
then, the car, etc. She should have been upfront about the whole situation
from the get go. You should have no qualms about asking for your money
(now). Or go alone. And if you feel you need your own car to be available during the
conference for (your) own needs for your family...keep it that way!
No one in NA or AA is ever expected to be used.
Hugs..
Sher
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I was stuck about how to handle this, then decided I just have to put on my big girl panties, and talked to S. about her behavior. Here's how it went down for those who are interested:
S: Hi KJ, when will you be picking me up?
KJ: That's what I'm calling about S. I don't know if we should ride together. I'm thinking that I might have to come home early. You know I have children at home.
S: Oh, that's OK. C. can give me a ride home. But I really want to ride down there with you!
KJ: OK, but if you do, I'm not leaving until 9pm, I am at work today.
S: That works for me. Do you want directions to my house now?
KJ: No. You need to make your way to my house if you are riding with me. I live 1/2 an hour closer to the convention than you. So you can park at my house if you want to. And nobody is riding or staying with us except the two of us, OK?
S: I might know of someone else we could ask, though...
KJ: No. I don't want to share with anyone that I don't know well. I know you well enough, not anyone else.
S: But I know some people very well....
KJ: It won't be the same. I would need to know them to feel OK with it. I am keeping my purse and things in that room. I don't want people in and out except for us. And S?
S: Yes?
KJ: It really made me feel uncomfortable when you asked me in front of those two girls if they could stay with us. It put me on the spot. I would have said no if you'd asked me in private.
S: Oh. I didn't know that.
KJ: OK, well next time you want me to do someone a favor, ask me privately?
S: But I don't think it was a big deal. It's just for a weekend.
KJ: It is a big deal to me. I"m a private person. And I don't want to worry about having my stuff taken by anyone. I'm not much of a party girl, either and I don't like lots of people in my room.
S: I bet that you were OK with different people in and out of your room and car when you were using. I bet you were a party girl then. Why is it different in recovery?
KJ: No, you are wrong. I was never that type of addict. I never bought drugs on the street or anything like that. But even if I had, I am in recovery and I don't have to live that way now.
Here's the dumb thing about S and a lot of other addicts I've come into contact with at NA. If she'd asked me instead of dope-fiending me, I'd have been willing to let her ride in my car for free and to stay with me at a reduced rate, maybe for 50 instead of 100. I just resent being manipulated and asked at the last minute (at work when she told me frantically on the phone "THERE IS ONLY ONE ROOM LEFT!!!!"), so now I don't feel like helping her by paying more than half. Know what I mean? I feel like if she wanted to go she should have either got into a room with a whole bunch of others in that same financial condition, stayed at a cheaper hotel (there are some there for as little as 35 a night, ours is the most expensive except for the Hilton), or saved up for it. Not expected that someone else pay part of her way.
I said what I needed to say to her so it can be over now. Hopefully I made myself clear and we can have a nice weekend now. I will ask for her half before check-in, and if she doesn't have it, she will have to room with the people she's riding back with. I feel OK about going now that I'm more in control of what is happening in my room.
Thanks for all your help and support, as always!
KJ
S: Hi KJ, when will you be picking me up?
KJ: That's what I'm calling about S. I don't know if we should ride together. I'm thinking that I might have to come home early. You know I have children at home.
S: Oh, that's OK. C. can give me a ride home. But I really want to ride down there with you!
KJ: OK, but if you do, I'm not leaving until 9pm, I am at work today.
S: That works for me. Do you want directions to my house now?
KJ: No. You need to make your way to my house if you are riding with me. I live 1/2 an hour closer to the convention than you. So you can park at my house if you want to. And nobody is riding or staying with us except the two of us, OK?
S: I might know of someone else we could ask, though...
KJ: No. I don't want to share with anyone that I don't know well. I know you well enough, not anyone else.
S: But I know some people very well....
KJ: It won't be the same. I would need to know them to feel OK with it. I am keeping my purse and things in that room. I don't want people in and out except for us. And S?
S: Yes?
KJ: It really made me feel uncomfortable when you asked me in front of those two girls if they could stay with us. It put me on the spot. I would have said no if you'd asked me in private.
S: Oh. I didn't know that.
KJ: OK, well next time you want me to do someone a favor, ask me privately?
S: But I don't think it was a big deal. It's just for a weekend.
KJ: It is a big deal to me. I"m a private person. And I don't want to worry about having my stuff taken by anyone. I'm not much of a party girl, either and I don't like lots of people in my room.
S: I bet that you were OK with different people in and out of your room and car when you were using. I bet you were a party girl then. Why is it different in recovery?
KJ: No, you are wrong. I was never that type of addict. I never bought drugs on the street or anything like that. But even if I had, I am in recovery and I don't have to live that way now.
Here's the dumb thing about S and a lot of other addicts I've come into contact with at NA. If she'd asked me instead of dope-fiending me, I'd have been willing to let her ride in my car for free and to stay with me at a reduced rate, maybe for 50 instead of 100. I just resent being manipulated and asked at the last minute (at work when she told me frantically on the phone "THERE IS ONLY ONE ROOM LEFT!!!!"), so now I don't feel like helping her by paying more than half. Know what I mean? I feel like if she wanted to go she should have either got into a room with a whole bunch of others in that same financial condition, stayed at a cheaper hotel (there are some there for as little as 35 a night, ours is the most expensive except for the Hilton), or saved up for it. Not expected that someone else pay part of her way.
I said what I needed to say to her so it can be over now. Hopefully I made myself clear and we can have a nice weekend now. I will ask for her half before check-in, and if she doesn't have it, she will have to room with the people she's riding back with. I feel OK about going now that I'm more in control of what is happening in my room.
Thanks for all your help and support, as always!
KJ
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
That's awesome! That may have not been easy but it sounds like you did great.
This chick sounds like she may not be using but thinks it's okay to still keep her
old behaviors.
lol, I'm like you in the way that, I don't mind helping people to the extreme even,
but if you manipulate or take advatage of me, forget about it.
I'm black and white about that to a fault.
and for her to even question that? is ridiculous. so many things wrong with that........
You did good girl, stick to your guns this weekend and have a great time!!
This chick sounds like she may not be using but thinks it's okay to still keep her
old behaviors.
lol, I'm like you in the way that, I don't mind helping people to the extreme even,
but if you manipulate or take advatage of me, forget about it.
I'm black and white about that to a fault.
S: I bet that you were OK with different people in and out of your room and car when you were using. I bet you were a party girl then. Why is it different in recovery?
KJ: No, you are wrong. I was never that type of addict. I never bought drugs on the street or anything like that. But even if I had, I am in recovery and I don't have to live that way now.
KJ: No, you are wrong. I was never that type of addict. I never bought drugs on the street or anything like that. But even if I had, I am in recovery and I don't have to live that way now.
and for her to even question that? is ridiculous. so many things wrong with that........
You did good girl, stick to your guns this weekend and have a great time!!
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