four812

while waiting in line to punch out for the day a guy I know said that "work" is going to lay off 350 tradesman within a couple of weeks. He's pretty tight with the union and says this is unofficial information from the heads of our local.

so at first i was like..."well that's no suprise", because I know this right.

then i'm thinking...it don't matter...ya know the "we're gonna die anyway thing so it's not really all that important" thing.

then i'm thinking .... wow it's happening (i'm gonna be unemployed soon) and i started getting into the DRAMA and excitement of the situation

then i'm driving home and getting a little worked up not wanting people to pass me on the freeway.

then i'm passing an exit on the freeway that used to take me to the hood and i'm thinking about getting high.


then i realize that this makes everything about the "economy" more real for me. and that i am about to be a number on the losing side of the demise of civilization.

so now here i sit, going through my email...and hoping to come to the internet and receive something in my email or facebook that "saves me" or "fills me". you know fills me with inspiration or love and connection. connection with mankind and all that spiritual loving kindness stuff.

but it isn't here. It's just me and i'm alone. but you see i know that. I know that i'll always be alone. no one can be in my body or in my experience. others can be close by, but i am the one of my life and i'm all alone walking to the cliffs edge of life just like everyone else in the herd of humanity.

so i'm alone and my blood is pumping with anxiety--rushing through my being.

and here now i will continue to bear in mind that i must stay in today. that all of life is in this moment. that my job, my pay, my security, my internet or television connection, my pictures, my car and apartment, my old poems--none of these things matter compared to the amazing wonder of the life and breath and wonder that exists in this moment.

and i have the choice to either think I am entitled to the things that i have and my very breath and experience of life....
or
I can experience gratitude and the feeling of the incredible wonder that the magic-child inside me viewed of life many years ago.

i went to a meeting, sounded like a mess, and am settling into this moment as best I can.

I don't want to feel this. My past knee jerk reaction is to use when I am uncomfortable. but today I want to stay clean more than i want to use.

least

You express yourself so well. I understand completely what you are saying.

:ghug3 Thank you.

Anna

Ksplash, that's a great post!

I am really sorry that you're facing unemployment, but going through the process you did is great.

And, you arrived at the conclusion that things are going to be okay and that life will unfold as it should.

No one else can experience your life, and no one else can experience my life. But, we are sharing this journey and we can know that other people care.

James13

Thanks, ksplash. It is what it is, you know? Good to hear you are taking care of yourself in this situation. Uncertainty has always baffled and terrified me simultaneously.

Peace

Dime

I used to let things like that drive me crazy. Looking back at all the years I worried so much about stuff that never materialized when I could have been enjoying what I had at the moment right then and there, like my family.

I remember one job I thought I was going to be laid off and it wound up really happening. I was worried to death as I had just bought a house and could barely make the house note. A couple weeks later I wound up getting the job of a lifetime with a much better company for more money. I wound up working at that company for 21 years.

Keep the faith, it will be OK

Gypsy Feet

Fantastic post, thanks for sharing and I am glad you are here with us

coffeenut

You are so right to stay in the moment. You haven't heard for Sure anything about your employment and using about it certainly isn't going to change things....but you already wrote that (very well, I might add).

I truly hope everything goes okay for you. This madness has to end soon...right?

Thanks for your post.

CarolD

Prayers for your peac
Mega

four812

thank you everyone...

i'm doing better today. I chaired a meeting at 8am, felt very emotiional and messy and I spilled my coffee as how it works was being read. cleaned up the mess and had a very good meeting. I'm feeling more connected and the responsed i've just read now have added to that very much.

Tazman53

Ksplash great post and a great thread as well. I always find it amazing that when I slip into the old thought patterns it is always me, alone, against the world, things get to seem over whelming, what will I do, how will I survive?

Then I go to a meeting and we see that we are not alone, that we can find relief & hope.

BTW have you brought up at any meetings that you may need another job? I have always been amazed at how well the AA network can help in that department. Yes we can help in ways other then just how to stay sober.

Funny thing I have found how I could not stay sober, but we can!