Got paid yesterday, in jail today, I married and IDIOT!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Got paid yesterday, in jail today, I married and IDIOT!!!!
Hi everyone-
My alcoholic crack addicted husband is still going at it. We do not live together, he lives in his van and had gotten a job at a truckstop so he got paid yesterday and we all know what that means. He is in jail right now for reckless driving (probably swallowed what he had on him) when he was pulled. His van/home was towed from the exact location where he buys crack. In his booking pic he looks terrible!! I went to go pick up money yesterday from him and he said he had forgotten I was coming and he would bring it to me today. I know better that's why I try to get mine on the exact day he gets paid cause if not I don't get it. SOmething is always more important than paying me the money he owes me back or child support. My $50 went in his crack pipe and to him I say F you!!!!!
He's called my job a couple of times but I haven't answered. There is nothing I can do for him at this point. He is really far gone in the mind to think I would help him after all he's put me through in the last 18 yrs. Has he totally lost his freakin' mind? He will now probably lose this job he's had for about 3-4 weeks. Why did I have to marry such a **** up? I will be so glad when I can get divorced from him!!!
I just sometimes have a hard time just handing it all over to god and letting him do his will like today. Nobody knows this but I called and found out where his van was towed from, where it was towed to and have also talked to the jail. He has to come up with $45 and a bondsman or pay the fine straight out which is $445. I can guarantee you that he probably dosen't have .45 cents on him. When he's smoking crack he can't and won't stop until all resources are used up. I am trying to make a decision about going over to the place that towed the van and get his personal belongings out of it for him. I talked to the towing guy and he said I could do that. He'll probably lose the van cause it's $125 for the towing and $25 storage fee a day after that so needless to say he's probably lost his home and transportation. I don't know if I want to go get his personal belongings and hold on to them until he gets out or just let him lose all his personal stuff. Still pondering that and wanted you guys advice on the subject.
I now save all his booking photos so one day I can show him the progression of his alcoholism and drug addiction. We have a 14 yr. old son who dosen't care whether dad is around or not. He knows what the deal is with dad and dosen't expect much from him. Wouldn't do any good if he did expect something from him, he wouldn't get it.
I'm getting better everyday by letting him live his life and deal with his choices. I went to bed last night, said a prayer for him:praying, and slept like a baby. In the old days I would have been up all night worrying about him. Yea!!!!
I ahve been married to him since we were 18 and we are now 36 and it's just gotten worse. Our son has a rare eye disease and in a couple of weeks I'm taking him out of town to have a cataract removed from his eye so pleasase everyone keep him in your prayers that all goes well for him in the surgery.:praying So I already have my plate full much less not dealing with my ADAH. He really dosen't surprise me anymore with the things he does I just feel bad like right now when I have no reason to feel bad. WHy do i feel sorry for him when he's the one that did it? I was home in my bed and had nothing to do with it. Ok I'm going to quit rambling and hopefully get some feedback on this. Any advise is welcome and appreciated. I feel like i need one of these right now:ghug
Hessie
My alcoholic crack addicted husband is still going at it. We do not live together, he lives in his van and had gotten a job at a truckstop so he got paid yesterday and we all know what that means. He is in jail right now for reckless driving (probably swallowed what he had on him) when he was pulled. His van/home was towed from the exact location where he buys crack. In his booking pic he looks terrible!! I went to go pick up money yesterday from him and he said he had forgotten I was coming and he would bring it to me today. I know better that's why I try to get mine on the exact day he gets paid cause if not I don't get it. SOmething is always more important than paying me the money he owes me back or child support. My $50 went in his crack pipe and to him I say F you!!!!!
He's called my job a couple of times but I haven't answered. There is nothing I can do for him at this point. He is really far gone in the mind to think I would help him after all he's put me through in the last 18 yrs. Has he totally lost his freakin' mind? He will now probably lose this job he's had for about 3-4 weeks. Why did I have to marry such a **** up? I will be so glad when I can get divorced from him!!!
I just sometimes have a hard time just handing it all over to god and letting him do his will like today. Nobody knows this but I called and found out where his van was towed from, where it was towed to and have also talked to the jail. He has to come up with $45 and a bondsman or pay the fine straight out which is $445. I can guarantee you that he probably dosen't have .45 cents on him. When he's smoking crack he can't and won't stop until all resources are used up. I am trying to make a decision about going over to the place that towed the van and get his personal belongings out of it for him. I talked to the towing guy and he said I could do that. He'll probably lose the van cause it's $125 for the towing and $25 storage fee a day after that so needless to say he's probably lost his home and transportation. I don't know if I want to go get his personal belongings and hold on to them until he gets out or just let him lose all his personal stuff. Still pondering that and wanted you guys advice on the subject.
I now save all his booking photos so one day I can show him the progression of his alcoholism and drug addiction. We have a 14 yr. old son who dosen't care whether dad is around or not. He knows what the deal is with dad and dosen't expect much from him. Wouldn't do any good if he did expect something from him, he wouldn't get it.
I'm getting better everyday by letting him live his life and deal with his choices. I went to bed last night, said a prayer for him:praying, and slept like a baby. In the old days I would have been up all night worrying about him. Yea!!!!
I ahve been married to him since we were 18 and we are now 36 and it's just gotten worse. Our son has a rare eye disease and in a couple of weeks I'm taking him out of town to have a cataract removed from his eye so pleasase everyone keep him in your prayers that all goes well for him in the surgery.:praying So I already have my plate full much less not dealing with my ADAH. He really dosen't surprise me anymore with the things he does I just feel bad like right now when I have no reason to feel bad. WHy do i feel sorry for him when he's the one that did it? I was home in my bed and had nothing to do with it. Ok I'm going to quit rambling and hopefully get some feedback on this. Any advise is welcome and appreciated. I feel like i need one of these right now:ghug
Hessie
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hessie, I'm sorry all this is happening but......why do you stay?
Do you really want a drunk, crack-addicted, unemployed loser with a prison record as your "husband" ?
When I ranted to my (overly honest) brother once that I'd gotten mixed up with an idiot, that he did this and that he did that, he very calmly looked at me and said, "But YOU choose to stay with him. You bail him out, you stick around, you do everything but kiss his feet - when he's not kicking you with them. Who's really the idiot here?"
I was pretty mad at the time. But he was so, so, so right. As long as I felt sympathy for HIM and none for ME, I kept enabling him, and I stayed in hell.
I deserved better and so do you. You could start divorce proceedings tomorrow if you wanted to. Why do you wait?
Hugs to you for the strength to do what's right for you, and
Prayers for your son's surgery going up
Do you really want a drunk, crack-addicted, unemployed loser with a prison record as your "husband" ?
When I ranted to my (overly honest) brother once that I'd gotten mixed up with an idiot, that he did this and that he did that, he very calmly looked at me and said, "But YOU choose to stay with him. You bail him out, you stick around, you do everything but kiss his feet - when he's not kicking you with them. Who's really the idiot here?"
I was pretty mad at the time. But he was so, so, so right. As long as I felt sympathy for HIM and none for ME, I kept enabling him, and I stayed in hell.
I deserved better and so do you. You could start divorce proceedings tomorrow if you wanted to. Why do you wait?
Hugs to you for the strength to do what's right for you, and
Prayers for your son's surgery going up
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
The only reason you know any of this went on his life in the first place is because you involve yourself in it. I like a good dramafest myself, but there are plenty of books, movies, and TV shows out there that you can get the same drama buzz from. Drop him!!
You know it is a c**p shoot if you get any money at all from him. This time you came up with nothing, but that doesn't mean you have to call the tow place, call the jail, etc. etc. I get where you're going with it....if he has no van to live in, no clothes to wear, he'll never get a job to give you money so you'll help out by getting his personal items for him, then what, get the van back? Bail him out? Just how enabling do you want to be?
Ok, enough tough love, you get my point...I'm sorry he's messing up again, but this is what he has to do to get his life back if he is ever going to. You have to do just what you did last night, say a prayer and go to sleep. That's productive....that's sane...and that's healthy!
Take care of you and your boy. He needs your positive energy more than the AH for sure!
Hugs to you.
Alice
You know it is a c**p shoot if you get any money at all from him. This time you came up with nothing, but that doesn't mean you have to call the tow place, call the jail, etc. etc. I get where you're going with it....if he has no van to live in, no clothes to wear, he'll never get a job to give you money so you'll help out by getting his personal items for him, then what, get the van back? Bail him out? Just how enabling do you want to be?
Ok, enough tough love, you get my point...I'm sorry he's messing up again, but this is what he has to do to get his life back if he is ever going to. You have to do just what you did last night, say a prayer and go to sleep. That's productive....that's sane...and that's healthy!
Take care of you and your boy. He needs your positive energy more than the AH for sure!
Hugs to you.
Alice
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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We are not together anymore. When I get my taxes back next year I will be filing ASAP. I still talk to him and let him know what's going on with our son and his eyes and other medical stuff. He dosen't seem to remember what I've told him so i've just about stopped doing that. The only time I see him is when I go to get money and I get it and leave. It is hard to see him so only see him to pick up money. We have nothing to talk about and if he wants to talk to our son he's old enough now where he dosen't have to go through me to do it. He dosen't call and talk to him just me, another reason I've cut down our talking because he dosen't realize yet that it's all about our son not him. We are still legally married and it's alot easier to get into than to get out of. But like I said when I get my taxes back it's o. The money I have saved up right now has to go to son's surgeries and motel rooms to stay out of town while he's in the hospital. That's more important right now to me than getting the divorce. Son's needs come first!!
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Alice-
I guess that's why I told no one else I did that cause you're right I put myslef right in the middle again and again I would have rather not known. At least I know not to bother going to find him to get money. Does me calling around mean I still care or am I just being nosey? Damn it's so hard to just tend to my own business sometimes when i've tended to his for soooo..... long. I didn't want anyome to know that I had called around about it. Talk about hands off the addict. That's where I need to get again. I care for him cause he's my son's father but I can't help him and this is his journey to take alone. I do have enough sense to have life insurance on him considering the lifestyle he lives.
I guess that's why I told no one else I did that cause you're right I put myslef right in the middle again and again I would have rather not known. At least I know not to bother going to find him to get money. Does me calling around mean I still care or am I just being nosey? Damn it's so hard to just tend to my own business sometimes when i've tended to his for soooo..... long. I didn't want anyome to know that I had called around about it. Talk about hands off the addict. That's where I need to get again. I care for him cause he's my son's father but I can't help him and this is his journey to take alone. I do have enough sense to have life insurance on him considering the lifestyle he lives.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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I'm changing my post because I see only posted again.
I agree that your son is a priority financially and emotionally!! and amen to the life insurance. It's prudent planning for your son.
Yeah, I think you got nosey is all. I do that stuff, too. You said you slept soundly, which you wouldn't have done before, so I think your caring button is now off. It is beyond hard to mind your own business when there's a connection to the person. Plus, it's not in the codie handbook to be uncaring.
I'm glad you posted here that you made those calls. Keeping it a secret goes against what we are all trying to do, which is make that acceptance that we cannot change what the addict in our lives is going to do.
Alice
I agree that your son is a priority financially and emotionally!! and amen to the life insurance. It's prudent planning for your son.
Yeah, I think you got nosey is all. I do that stuff, too. You said you slept soundly, which you wouldn't have done before, so I think your caring button is now off. It is beyond hard to mind your own business when there's a connection to the person. Plus, it's not in the codie handbook to be uncaring.
I'm glad you posted here that you made those calls. Keeping it a secret goes against what we are all trying to do, which is make that acceptance that we cannot change what the addict in our lives is going to do.
Alice
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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I've felt bad since I found out this morning he was in but there again it was his decision and his consequences to face not mine. I have spent MANY MANY nights worrying about him and what he's doing and in the morning I felt like I had been beat by a broom. That was doing me no good and I can't fully be there for son if I'm worrying about him. I just hate he's still messing up and I don't see and end in sight yet for him. I hope he survives these addictions. Thanks for all your replies and keep them coming, I feel much better since I've reached out to you guys!!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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If it makes you feel any better, my exabf has been in hospital and I have rung his mum every day to find out how he's doing. Is it because I am nosey or because I care and am finding it difficult to let go? I think it is very difficult to stop caring and to stop being involved in the crises as they happen. Obviously I am not quite managing it.
If you know that you cannot be part of this, you have to let go of him, but then you have to cut off completely from his traumas. Is there any way you can manage without his money as you obviously don't get much from him? I know you are thinking of how he is going to manage without his personal belongings, but maybe your ongoing enabling is what is helping him to continue using. Maybe you no longer caring is the bit that needs to happen to him.
Nobody can make that decision for you and only you know how he will react to you if you do not help him at all and you have to decide what part you play. I just hope that you find a way to cope and look after yourself and your son, as obviously this is important particularly at the moment.
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you make these tough decisions, take care of you.
:praying
If you know that you cannot be part of this, you have to let go of him, but then you have to cut off completely from his traumas. Is there any way you can manage without his money as you obviously don't get much from him? I know you are thinking of how he is going to manage without his personal belongings, but maybe your ongoing enabling is what is helping him to continue using. Maybe you no longer caring is the bit that needs to happen to him.
Nobody can make that decision for you and only you know how he will react to you if you do not help him at all and you have to decide what part you play. I just hope that you find a way to cope and look after yourself and your son, as obviously this is important particularly at the moment.
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you make these tough decisions, take care of you.
:praying
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The only reason I might possibly go and get his friggin' stuff for him is if I was gonna turn around and sell it in order to get the money he owed me and didn't pay me.
..and, in all honesty, I probably wouldn't do that because, two wrongs don't make a right and just because he's an *ssh*l* doesn't mean I have to let him turn me into one.
No way in h*ll would I go get his stuff just to help him out.........if I'm suffering the consequences of his choices -- and of my own choices that lead to my being somewhat dependent upon him -- then so can he!
freya
..and, in all honesty, I probably wouldn't do that because, two wrongs don't make a right and just because he's an *ssh*l* doesn't mean I have to let him turn me into one.
No way in h*ll would I go get his stuff just to help him out.........if I'm suffering the consequences of his choices -- and of my own choices that lead to my being somewhat dependent upon him -- then so can he!
freya
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