Freedom1990

Some of you may remember I took in my oldest AD's dog (the one kissing me in my signature picture) 4 years ago for the last time. I made it clear to her that Raven was here to stay till she passed away.

The old gal is near and dear to my heart, and she actually made it to her 16th birthday yesterday. I got a call about 8:30 last night from oldest AD that she was coming into town with a couple of 'friends', and she asked if she could stop by to see Raven. I told her okay but it would have to be quick as I wasn't feeling well and was swamped with school work.

Raven couldn't care less about AD stopping by. She doesn't even acknowledge her anymore. This is home to her, she knows who cares for her, and AD got another dog shortly after I took Raven in, which came as no surprise to me.

She had two guys with her, which I question anyone who would hang with AD. They all stood in the kitchen while AD talked to me, and of course the rest of the dogs were all getting their share of attention.

I never took my eyes off of her as I don't trust her, and I'm glad she lives out of town.

There's just nothing there anymore. I gave up long ago on her ever doing anything productive with her life. She's done so much damage to the family that I think it's beyond repair.

I don't feel angry, sad, or resentful. I just feel nothing anymore when I see her. Isn't that sad?

GwenMarie30

I dont know necessarily that its nothing. You love her still. You would miss her if she were gone forever. There is feeling there as she is part of you. Maybe you have just resigned yourself that she makes her own life and lives her own way. You have just reached acceptance.

I dont mean to tell you what you feel. You know what you feel. Im just a romantic at heart. But there comes a time in some people that maybe they can feel what you said above. That doesnt make you a bad person. Its just what you feel.

Either way. You have love, compassion, and acceptance of yourself and others. I guess thats what your post meant to me. JMO.

sojourner

uh-oh Freedom - get ready for a new round of grief in the days ahead which is natural for you to go through.....

I've prayed for you already. Take care of yourself - extra meetings - do something different and fun - I just sense a deep emotional response coming from the way you worded your post... and there is no way out but through for you...

sojourner

Serenity Bound

Freedom, sometimes I put a wall up, to keep my feelings out, to safeguard my heart. Sweetie, you have so much going on, healing from surgery, school, etc, please take care of yourself
:ghug
Chris

MrsMagoo

That had to be tough to post. I would bet that you still have feelings for her too, just that they are very buried with titatium walls around them so that they don't leak into your soul and cause you any more pain. You can take them out and dust them off when you are ready and she proves worthy.

Seren

(((DeVon)))

I have empathy on this one.....I wonder if I will ever be able to care again for my future A step-son. Please take good care of yourself and hug your furbabies for me!

HG

winnie12

I may be overthinking this but I think we still have love for the child they used to be but when we look at them now, even though they physically look like our child, they are someone else - someone we dont know and dont like and that new person we see is the one that took our child away from us. so the new person they have become we just cant have feelings for because they are too painful to face. its like looking at a kidnapper.

sojourner

yeah, winnie - we are looking at the kidnapper.

But the hard part is that the kidnapper is there at our loved ones request.... kind of like that early film with Jack Nicholson when he found out that all the patients in the mental hospital were there because they signed themselves in voluntarily - and they had the power to sign themselves out but they did not want to do that....

what was the name of that film, anyway??

winnie12

one flew over the coo-coo's nest - great flick

Freedom1990

Oh I am taking care of myself.

Sometimes I wonder if it is a wall. I do love her-she's my first born and always will be. It's just I look at her and don't recognize her anymore. This has been ongoing for over 15 years now, and at some point there are just no tears left to cry, no anger to feel. Does that make any sense? I feel like I've completely accepted where she's at in life. Do I like it? No. However, I accept it.

sojourner

it makes perfect sense to me...

Impurrfect

(((DeVon)))

I think you are doing what it takes to take care of you, and that's always a good thing. Call it self-preservation, a wall, or whatever. The love is still there, but you've worked through the other feelings and are detached..what most of are working toward.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

kj3880

There is nothing wrong with getting off of that emotional roll-coaster. Don't feel guilty for taking back your serenity!

Love,
KJ

marle

I remember the first time that I read a post of yours where you said that you have no feelings left for your daughter. That post made me feel so incredibly sad. I just thought to myself that I hope that I never get to that point with my daughter. This by no means means that I blame you or think that it could not happen to me. I pray that someday your daughter finds recovery and you can once again enjoy the daughter that you raised. I also pray that I never have to reach that point with my daughter. But I always remember that "there but for the grace of God go I". It is just so hard to imagine having to harden my heart to my only child. I have been incredibly angry with her but to this point I have always been able to feel something. Hugs, Marle

BBD

It is sad but you didn't mark the path your daughter took. After a while I would also build walls that would be hard to crumble. Taking care of ourselves is very important and the addiction road is absolutely to bumpy for me anymore....Big hugs mom....Bonnie

Freedom1990

I hope you never get to that point either, Marle. My eyes were truly opened to just how cold and calculating she can be when I took her in that time after her incarceration. I was already struggling with all sorts of red flags with my youngest (then 15), and every resource I reached out to had failed me. She was cutting on herself, talking of suicide, and no one would help me.

She cut and ran in the middle of the night after I kicked AD out. AD had actually convinced her that I was crazy, that if she ran off and SRS ended up taking custody of her, that SRS would allow her to live with AD because I was 'crazy'. AD was in the car that picked her up in the middle of the night when she ran. It was all planned.

The first time I saw my youngest after she had turned herself in was at the courthouse and they brought her over from the jail. She was shackled, had on the orange jumpsuit, and just sneered at me. I didn't even recognize her at first because someone had put her hair in corn rows, and it looked like she had been partying for a week with no sleep. They left her and me in a room together alone, and she sat there and told me I was f'ing crazy and that her 'big' sister was going to get custody. She spoke to me with utter contempt. She chewed me up and spit me out so bad I ran out of the room crying.

I've watched what AD has done to my grandchildren, and with not one speck of remorse. I truly believe it goes beyond addiction, and that she is a sociopath. The only reason she's not doing illegal drugs right now is because she finally found a doctor and a therapist she's talked into prescribing benzos and God knows what kind of other crap. She's ruined her teeth from the meth and from drinking massive amounts of pop daily, so she loves to go to the dentist for the pain pills, nevermind she's losing most of her teeth.

It's really gone beyond sad now that I think of it.

I guess I needed to talk about it today, huh?

laurie6781

Dev that is exactly what my Mom described about ME. It took 11 years into my own recovery before the wall came down and she finally admitted she felt like she had 'the old me' back (before my addiction) took over.

So, yes, you have it buried, but it is there. If and when she finds recovery and maintains recovery the damage will be SLOWLY repaired. You know this from your own recovery.

My heart goes out to Raven. Just know that Raven will be whole and happy at The Rainbow Bridge waiting for you. This thought has helped me immensely through the many fur babies that I have there. No, it does not get easier.

You have given this fur baby a wonderful life!

Your recovery, even though you may not think so, IS SHINING!!!!!

Love and hugs,