my wife may have a drinking problem
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: VA BEACH
Posts: 6
my wife may have a drinking problem
Hello All,
I'm new here and would like some advise. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and just had a baby together. Our son is 10 months old. Anyways, my wife has been a daily drinker since she was 21 yrs old. She is 38 years old. When we met she drank responsible and daily. Usually 2/3's of a bottle of wine at night and occasionally some beer and mix drinks other nights. I never saw it as a problem. After our son was born, she started her daily drinking again.
Then after she went back to work, I noticed she was stopping at restaurant bars alot saying she was craving a salald or getting some soup. I also know she was also having a couple of drinks while she was there. On the weekends, she would make every excuse to leave by herself and everytime I called she would be at a restaurant bar by herself. I'm sure she would be drinking and rationalizing it with ordering soup. We would get into a fight when she came home intoxicated. On the weekends she stayed home, she would start drinking wine around noon. Anyways, everytime she left on the weekends, she looked anxious before she would go out. I know now she was craving alcohol before she left. She had been hiding her drinking from me during the weekends and after work. Then she come home and drink her usuall amounts of wine. To make a long story short, we fought alot about her drinking and after our last fight, being tactless as I am, I told her to get help or I was leaving her. Basically, I gave her an ultimatem.
So here I am, she drew up seperation papers and we are in the process of selling our house. Now I am going to loose everything because she is in denial. I wish I had handled everything differently when I realized she had a problem.
She is a school teacher and is functional right now. When we do seperate she will get custody of our child because he is so young. I'm afraid in time she will get worse because she continues to hide her drinking. She doesn't get sloppy drunk right now but how long before she will be getting sloppy drunk all the time? Her alcohol consumption is definetely increasing, week by week. i know I can' t compete with her bottle and her drinking is such a big part of her life. Any advise?
I'm new here and would like some advise. My wife and I have been married for 5 years and just had a baby together. Our son is 10 months old. Anyways, my wife has been a daily drinker since she was 21 yrs old. She is 38 years old. When we met she drank responsible and daily. Usually 2/3's of a bottle of wine at night and occasionally some beer and mix drinks other nights. I never saw it as a problem. After our son was born, she started her daily drinking again.
Then after she went back to work, I noticed she was stopping at restaurant bars alot saying she was craving a salald or getting some soup. I also know she was also having a couple of drinks while she was there. On the weekends, she would make every excuse to leave by herself and everytime I called she would be at a restaurant bar by herself. I'm sure she would be drinking and rationalizing it with ordering soup. We would get into a fight when she came home intoxicated. On the weekends she stayed home, she would start drinking wine around noon. Anyways, everytime she left on the weekends, she looked anxious before she would go out. I know now she was craving alcohol before she left. She had been hiding her drinking from me during the weekends and after work. Then she come home and drink her usuall amounts of wine. To make a long story short, we fought alot about her drinking and after our last fight, being tactless as I am, I told her to get help or I was leaving her. Basically, I gave her an ultimatem.
So here I am, she drew up seperation papers and we are in the process of selling our house. Now I am going to loose everything because she is in denial. I wish I had handled everything differently when I realized she had a problem.
She is a school teacher and is functional right now. When we do seperate she will get custody of our child because he is so young. I'm afraid in time she will get worse because she continues to hide her drinking. She doesn't get sloppy drunk right now but how long before she will be getting sloppy drunk all the time? Her alcohol consumption is definetely increasing, week by week. i know I can' t compete with her bottle and her drinking is such a big part of her life. Any advise?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR, Tactless. I would encourage you to read the stickies at the top of this forum and educate yourself as much as possible on alcoholism.
Just what is it you feel you could have done differently with the situation? We didn't cause the alcoholism, we can't control it, nor can we cure it.
I would also suggest you locate Alanon meetings in your area and start attending regularly for face-to-face support among people who have been where you are at, who understand what it's like to have an active alcoholic in their lives.
Your son is going to need one sane and emotionally healthy parent, and obviously your wife doesn't fit that bill.
Keep posting, ask any questions you may have, and know you are among friends with experience, strength, and hope to share with you.
:ghug :ghug
Just what is it you feel you could have done differently with the situation? We didn't cause the alcoholism, we can't control it, nor can we cure it.
I would also suggest you locate Alanon meetings in your area and start attending regularly for face-to-face support among people who have been where you are at, who understand what it's like to have an active alcoholic in their lives.
Your son is going to need one sane and emotionally healthy parent, and obviously your wife doesn't fit that bill.
Keep posting, ask any questions you may have, and know you are among friends with experience, strength, and hope to share with you.
:ghug :ghug
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Yes, I can relate to your story. I dated an alcoholic seriously for 3 years. When we got together he only drank a beer or two a night, maybe more on weekends, but it didn't seem that bad. I noticed that it was odd that no matter how much he drank, he didn't seem drunk. I didn't know it at the time, but this is a sign of alcoholism. Weird.
As time went by, the drinking increased gradually. It was so gradual that I can't pinpoint when it became a problem, really. I think I first became seriously concerned about 18 months into the relationship when his 16 year old daughter was arguing with him and threw out the most hurtful thing she could think of to try to win the fight (as teens will do) "Well Dad, you are an alcoholic, so don't try to tell me what's right and wrong!" That made me think "Is he?"
I talked seriously with him about it, but he thought at the time that it was just "a few beers after hard days at work." It continued to increase. And I watched. He did weird stuff like not driving after 6 pm (he was too intoxicated by then to not get arrested). He would throw a fit if his daughter needed a ride anywhere at night. And he began drinking earlier and earlier on weekends. Soon he couldn't even wait until noon to pop open the first beer. On weekdays, as soon as he got off work at 3pm, he went to the closest liquor store and had to down a whole bottle before he even got to the bar. He was like a man coming out of the desert parched after a day of work. Then he had two beers at a bar before he picked up a case to bring home. And drank his way through the case. He didn't ever have any left. I knew he was totally out of control then.
His point was "I am going to work every day. I have never been in trouble. You are the one with the problem. I deserve to relax after work with a few beers" (try 16 beers!)
I adressed it seriously at that point, 6 months after his daughter had said he was an alkie. I was convinced by then that he was. I told him I couldn't be with an alcoholic unless he was in treatment. He promised to get help. He asked me to find a doctor that would treat him outpatient. I did, but there were many excuses for why he couldn't go. Finally, I made him go with me, months later. He stuck to the medication for about a month, and cut back on drinking to 8 beers a day. That was supposed to be the first step in his quitting. He would never go to AA, hated the idea.
After one month, he began increasing the size of his 8 beers until they were 40 oz each! and missing meds. Missing appointments with the doctor. I started attending 12-step meetings for my own recovery and I learned that I didn't have to live this way. So I left his recovery up to him. I took my hands off of it, and he continued to drink more and more. So, I told him I didn't want to see him any more. I was sad but I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't want my son to grow up watching someone drink himself to death.
I continue to attend meetings and work on my own recovery. I've never been happier. But it was tough in the beginning. I had to learn to be alone. Then after a while, I started to love being alone. He's still drinking, I hear. And still miserable and ill. But I don't have to be!
Love,
KJ
As time went by, the drinking increased gradually. It was so gradual that I can't pinpoint when it became a problem, really. I think I first became seriously concerned about 18 months into the relationship when his 16 year old daughter was arguing with him and threw out the most hurtful thing she could think of to try to win the fight (as teens will do) "Well Dad, you are an alcoholic, so don't try to tell me what's right and wrong!" That made me think "Is he?"
I talked seriously with him about it, but he thought at the time that it was just "a few beers after hard days at work." It continued to increase. And I watched. He did weird stuff like not driving after 6 pm (he was too intoxicated by then to not get arrested). He would throw a fit if his daughter needed a ride anywhere at night. And he began drinking earlier and earlier on weekends. Soon he couldn't even wait until noon to pop open the first beer. On weekdays, as soon as he got off work at 3pm, he went to the closest liquor store and had to down a whole bottle before he even got to the bar. He was like a man coming out of the desert parched after a day of work. Then he had two beers at a bar before he picked up a case to bring home. And drank his way through the case. He didn't ever have any left. I knew he was totally out of control then.
His point was "I am going to work every day. I have never been in trouble. You are the one with the problem. I deserve to relax after work with a few beers" (try 16 beers!)
I adressed it seriously at that point, 6 months after his daughter had said he was an alkie. I was convinced by then that he was. I told him I couldn't be with an alcoholic unless he was in treatment. He promised to get help. He asked me to find a doctor that would treat him outpatient. I did, but there were many excuses for why he couldn't go. Finally, I made him go with me, months later. He stuck to the medication for about a month, and cut back on drinking to 8 beers a day. That was supposed to be the first step in his quitting. He would never go to AA, hated the idea.
After one month, he began increasing the size of his 8 beers until they were 40 oz each! and missing meds. Missing appointments with the doctor. I started attending 12-step meetings for my own recovery and I learned that I didn't have to live this way. So I left his recovery up to him. I took my hands off of it, and he continued to drink more and more. So, I told him I didn't want to see him any more. I was sad but I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't want my son to grow up watching someone drink himself to death.
I continue to attend meetings and work on my own recovery. I've never been happier. But it was tough in the beginning. I had to learn to be alone. Then after a while, I started to love being alone. He's still drinking, I hear. And still miserable and ill. But I don't have to be!
Love,
KJ
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
Wow, what a bummer... for you to have to go through with this.
I'm sorry, but I jumped ahead without reading all the posts inbetween, but I've gotta get to bed and will check them later.
Just incase, I want to reiterate, as I'm sure someone already suggested this, but... alanon for you.
It's classic that she would jump right to separation papers the minute you suggest a problem. Get help or I'm leaving. Maybe that was a bit harsh. Have you considered reading the chapter "To the Wives" in the Big Book? Read it, but change the word wives to husbands and change the word husband to wife. Maybe there's another tact you could have/could take and give her a chance to cool off. Maybe even arrange a way she can drink when she has too, but keep her from driving. Let her drink at home. IDK.
It's sad because you have a son involved too. She sort of has to hit a bottom, but... what can you do to keep yourself intact and your son?
Alanon... Read Big Book chapter 8, I believe.
You worry about how her drinking will progress. The weird part of all this is to observe how she functions when she's NOT drinking. That's when us alkies seemingly fall apart. Drinking is no picnic either. If she's an alcoholic, she can't help it much. She has been drinking for 17 years? That's a long time for a woman to drink. Page 33 mentions how women can be down for the count in just 4 short years. Their bodies are really not designed to drink too much booze, even moreso then men.
There's the slightest chance that she's not an alky...yet. But I doubt that she isn't. If she was just a hard drinker, it's said that she can stop or moderate... given a sufficient reason.
Food for thought. You just gave her a sufficient reason. Your tendency is to be mad at her. Your mad because she can't/won't give up the booze for you. She's mad because you threatened her drinking.
It's a sad deal. Is marriage counseling a possibility? If she's willing to consider... getting help, wouldn't you at least give her a shot?
We'll pray for you and your family. Good night kiddies.
I'm sorry, but I jumped ahead without reading all the posts inbetween, but I've gotta get to bed and will check them later.
Just incase, I want to reiterate, as I'm sure someone already suggested this, but... alanon for you.
It's classic that she would jump right to separation papers the minute you suggest a problem. Get help or I'm leaving. Maybe that was a bit harsh. Have you considered reading the chapter "To the Wives" in the Big Book? Read it, but change the word wives to husbands and change the word husband to wife. Maybe there's another tact you could have/could take and give her a chance to cool off. Maybe even arrange a way she can drink when she has too, but keep her from driving. Let her drink at home. IDK.
It's sad because you have a son involved too. She sort of has to hit a bottom, but... what can you do to keep yourself intact and your son?
Alanon... Read Big Book chapter 8, I believe.
You worry about how her drinking will progress. The weird part of all this is to observe how she functions when she's NOT drinking. That's when us alkies seemingly fall apart. Drinking is no picnic either. If she's an alcoholic, she can't help it much. She has been drinking for 17 years? That's a long time for a woman to drink. Page 33 mentions how women can be down for the count in just 4 short years. Their bodies are really not designed to drink too much booze, even moreso then men.
There's the slightest chance that she's not an alky...yet. But I doubt that she isn't. If she was just a hard drinker, it's said that she can stop or moderate... given a sufficient reason.
Food for thought. You just gave her a sufficient reason. Your tendency is to be mad at her. Your mad because she can't/won't give up the booze for you. She's mad because you threatened her drinking.
It's a sad deal. Is marriage counseling a possibility? If she's willing to consider... getting help, wouldn't you at least give her a shot?
We'll pray for you and your family. Good night kiddies.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 40
Tactless--
Don't apologize for sticking up for yourself!
The tough part is your child custody. Unfairly, there is a bias to favor the mother in situations of divorce. You may need to provide evidence of her alcoholism if you hope to prevail in a custody fight---and I think you need to prevail. A perusal of the posts by children of alcoholic parents shows just how damaging it can be to have an alcoholic parent.
I hope you can be the one to gain custody of your child--it would be the better situation for him.
Don't apologize for sticking up for yourself!
The tough part is your child custody. Unfairly, there is a bias to favor the mother in situations of divorce. You may need to provide evidence of her alcoholism if you hope to prevail in a custody fight---and I think you need to prevail. A perusal of the posts by children of alcoholic parents shows just how damaging it can be to have an alcoholic parent.
I hope you can be the one to gain custody of your child--it would be the better situation for him.
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Originally Posted by tactless 
we fought alot about her drinking and after our last fight, being tactless as I am, I told her to get help or I was leaving her. Basically, I gave her an ultimatem.
So here I am, she drew up seperation papers and we are in the process of selling our house. Now I am going to loose everything because she is in denial. I wish I had handled everything differently when I realized she had a problem.
So here I am, she drew up seperation papers and we are in the process of selling our house. Now I am going to loose everything because she is in denial. I wish I had handled everything differently when I realized she had a problem.
It doesn't matter how you handle things. She is an alcoholic. She wants to drink. You do not figure into the equation of her addiction.
Why do you feel you are going to lose "everything"? If the house was jointly titled, you get half the equity. You will not lose custody - or at least visitation rights - to your child. Have you been documenting her drinking? This does not sound like the type of parent who will get sole and exclusive custody of your child.
It's her addiction. She owns it. She pays the consequences for it. Yes, she has a problem, but no matter how you have chosen to handle it, she still has a problem because it is HER problem. It is not YOUR problem.
You are being subjected to the fallout of her problem, but she is the one who goes to bars alone to drink. She is cutting you out of that part of her life. Please realize you have no power whatsoever over it.
How about getting into Al-Anon and/or counseling? As far as her drinking is concerned, YES, it will become progressively worse. I've watched it first hand and I would never have believed it if I had not seen it with my own eyes. It can get bad ... really bad.
As I said, have documentation of her alcohol abuse. Be ready to fight, even if she is currently a "functioning" A. You may have more leverage in custody than you realize.
Please keep posting and keep us updated on how you feel about your situation. We care and we want to support you.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
I guess I just ain't into all this legal advice and marriage counseling talk, except for how it might lead to the recovery thereof... for you and for her.
This is soberrecovery.com. Not divorceandchildcustodyRus.com.
I'm not an expert on marriage counseling. I can only say that I tried it. I am not an expert on child custody for sure. Even if I was, it's not in the TOS here. But I do know about alcoholism and the recovery thereof. That I have experience in.
I'm not a big fan of the last 4 chapters of the Big Book of Alcoholic's Anonymous, and I've never ever been successful shoving it down anybody's throat, but it may possibly have some suggestions for you to try.
To the Wives.
This is soberrecovery.com. Not divorceandchildcustodyRus.com.
I'm not an expert on marriage counseling. I can only say that I tried it. I am not an expert on child custody for sure. Even if I was, it's not in the TOS here. But I do know about alcoholism and the recovery thereof. That I have experience in.
I'm not a big fan of the last 4 chapters of the Big Book of Alcoholic's Anonymous, and I've never ever been successful shoving it down anybody's throat, but it may possibly have some suggestions for you to try.
To the Wives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: VA BEACH
Posts: 6
I have beeen educating myself on women and alcoholism. I fear if she doesn't get help now that her life will be full of misery and pain. I guess one of my questions would be how long does she have before she is full blown? I know it depends on the womens biochemistry and how much alcohol she consumes.
"Page 33 mentions how women can be down for the count in just 4 short years".
What does that mean???
Yes I would want to support her and not abandon her. I'm afraid that she just wants to drink with me not around because she feels ashamed to drink in front of me.
I'm trying to find the courage to talk to her and tell her I want to be there for her.
"Page 33 mentions how women can be down for the count in just 4 short years".
What does that mean???
Yes I would want to support her and not abandon her. I'm afraid that she just wants to drink with me not around because she feels ashamed to drink in front of me.
I'm trying to find the courage to talk to her and tell her I want to be there for her.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by tactless
I have beeen educating myself on women and alcoholism. I fear if she doesn't get help now that her life will be full of misery and pain. I guess one of my questions would be how long does she have before she is full blown? I know it depends on the womens biochemistry and how much alcohol she consumes.
I'm not sure what you mean by full blown. Her drinking is obviously creating problems. There's no sense in trying to 'measure' alcoholism-it is what it is.
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Originally Posted by McGowdog
This is soberrecovery.com. Not divorceandchildcustodyRus.com.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 80
tactless,
I wish things were different in regards to custody of your son. Have you thought about going to the courts about it? If you tell the court that you initiated your divorce due to her problem drinking, and contend that she's drinking to the point that it's introducing problems in her life (e.g. divorce, coming home drunk, problems on the job), I'm guessing the court would listen. At that point, social services could monitor her, and maybe she'd even lose custody of her kids (didn't Britney Spears lose custody of her kids through similar behavior?).
As far as the drinking itself, it sounds like she's had a problem since she was 21. 2/3 of a bottle of wine per night in itself sounds to me like addictive drinking.
Dr. Drew puts it this way: "If it's causing you problems in your life, and you don't choose to change it, you're an addict." Your wife's (/ex-wife's) drinking has already caused a divorce, so I'd say that makes it a pretty stark, serious addiction problem.
I urge you to do everything in your power to get your kid out of her custody. I have an AM (alcoholic mother), and growing up around her was like being in a hurricane of despair. I'm 28 now and am finally starting to become the whole person I should have always been. Alcoholism strips a family down to threads, with everyone other than the addict holding on for dear life.
I wish things were different in regards to custody of your son. Have you thought about going to the courts about it? If you tell the court that you initiated your divorce due to her problem drinking, and contend that she's drinking to the point that it's introducing problems in her life (e.g. divorce, coming home drunk, problems on the job), I'm guessing the court would listen. At that point, social services could monitor her, and maybe she'd even lose custody of her kids (didn't Britney Spears lose custody of her kids through similar behavior?).
As far as the drinking itself, it sounds like she's had a problem since she was 21. 2/3 of a bottle of wine per night in itself sounds to me like addictive drinking.
Dr. Drew puts it this way: "If it's causing you problems in your life, and you don't choose to change it, you're an addict." Your wife's (/ex-wife's) drinking has already caused a divorce, so I'd say that makes it a pretty stark, serious addiction problem.
I urge you to do everything in your power to get your kid out of her custody. I have an AM (alcoholic mother), and growing up around her was like being in a hurricane of despair. I'm 28 now and am finally starting to become the whole person I should have always been. Alcoholism strips a family down to threads, with everyone other than the addict holding on for dear life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: VA BEACH
Posts: 6
All,
Thank you for all the support. I am thinking about attending Al-Anon meetings.
I sometimes get obssesed if she is stopping at a restaurant bar after work and having a few drinks. She does always come home later than usual but when she comes home, she seems normal except for she is sometimes unusually happier than normal. She has only came home intoxicated a couple of times since our fallout. I guess I need not to worry if she is drinking after work because it drives me crazy.
I will fight for custody of our child but sometimes I think maybe she doesnt have a problem? Then sometimes I am 100 percent sure she is addicted and she isn't normal. Its so crazy! Women can really hide their drinking very well.
Thank you for all the support. I am thinking about attending Al-Anon meetings.
I sometimes get obssesed if she is stopping at a restaurant bar after work and having a few drinks. She does always come home later than usual but when she comes home, she seems normal except for she is sometimes unusually happier than normal. She has only came home intoxicated a couple of times since our fallout. I guess I need not to worry if she is drinking after work because it drives me crazy.
I will fight for custody of our child but sometimes I think maybe she doesnt have a problem? Then sometimes I am 100 percent sure she is addicted and she isn't normal. Its so crazy! Women can really hide their drinking very well.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi tactless
An alcoholic is an EXPERT on hiding their drinking, it does not matter if it is a man or a woman.
They are in denial, but many of us are in denial as well, or have been... the reality is you are constantly lowering YOUR standards. There is a problem there. Make no mistake. Your gut feeling and your reality is valid. Alcoholics are experts on manipulation and saying YOU are the one who is make it all bigger, etc. etc. Please trust your gut.
Obsession with another adult's choices is a codependent trait. Have you read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie? I urge you to read it! It is an eye opener.
I am glad you will fight for custody and wish you and your son all the best. I am glad your son will have at least one sane parent. YOU!
I wish I had wise words, but know you are not alone, and you CAN feel better, for you and your son, regardless of what this troubled woman does.
An alcoholic is an EXPERT on hiding their drinking, it does not matter if it is a man or a woman.
They are in denial, but many of us are in denial as well, or have been... the reality is you are constantly lowering YOUR standards. There is a problem there. Make no mistake. Your gut feeling and your reality is valid. Alcoholics are experts on manipulation and saying YOU are the one who is make it all bigger, etc. etc. Please trust your gut.
Obsession with another adult's choices is a codependent trait. Have you read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie? I urge you to read it! It is an eye opener.
I am glad you will fight for custody and wish you and your son all the best. I am glad your son will have at least one sane parent. YOU!
I wish I had wise words, but know you are not alone, and you CAN feel better, for you and your son, regardless of what this troubled woman does.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Alcoholics can hide their drinking very well. It's not gender-specific.
The fact is that her habits are hurtful to you, but she doesn't care to change them. Her relationship with alcohol is damaging to her marriage, but she doesn't care to change it. She would rather separate than control her alcohol consumption or find common ground to keep your marriage together.
Her priorities are pretty clear. If someone else were telling YOU this story....would you think that was a good relationship for him to stay in?
I'm sorry for your pain, but there is very little we can do about an alcohol abuser in denial except protect ourselves. What does she have to do to make it clear to you that she's the one with the problem - get a DUI? Drive drunk with your child? Because that's next.
Good luck with this. There are better ways to live.
GL
The fact is that her habits are hurtful to you, but she doesn't care to change them. Her relationship with alcohol is damaging to her marriage, but she doesn't care to change it. She would rather separate than control her alcohol consumption or find common ground to keep your marriage together.
Her priorities are pretty clear. If someone else were telling YOU this story....would you think that was a good relationship for him to stay in?
I'm sorry for your pain, but there is very little we can do about an alcohol abuser in denial except protect ourselves. What does she have to do to make it clear to you that she's the one with the problem - get a DUI? Drive drunk with your child? Because that's next.
Good luck with this. There are better ways to live.
GL
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2
Tactless,
I just went through this and am in the middle of a divorce where I stand to lose a small fortune...but it will be worth it. She drove through a 50' pine tree, injured herself and another person and will stand before the court defending herself against 2 felonies. I would never have believed it would come to this. People told me it would eventually happen because it is a progressive disease but I couldn't fathom it.
She is the CEO of a very successful company, board member of companies and charities...but can't beat the bottle. We have an amazing daughter together and I may be her only hope for some time.
I don't have much time to post more now...but if you'd like to compare notes...I'd be happy to even talk on the phone. I'm still coming to terms with it all.
Send me a note if you'd like to talk.
Regards,
Bob
I just went through this and am in the middle of a divorce where I stand to lose a small fortune...but it will be worth it. She drove through a 50' pine tree, injured herself and another person and will stand before the court defending herself against 2 felonies. I would never have believed it would come to this. People told me it would eventually happen because it is a progressive disease but I couldn't fathom it.
She is the CEO of a very successful company, board member of companies and charities...but can't beat the bottle. We have an amazing daughter together and I may be her only hope for some time.
I don't have much time to post more now...but if you'd like to compare notes...I'd be happy to even talk on the phone. I'm still coming to terms with it all.
Send me a note if you'd like to talk.
Regards,
Bob
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I would not feel bad about the seperation. You set a boundry. She violated that boundry. Now you are following through with that. Seems perfectly logical to me 
Please fight for the child! Do not bend. You should have custody. It is what the child deserves. Think of it this way, Would you leave your child with a drunk babysitter?
You CAN be seperated and still support her. You just won't have a front row seat to the disease anymore.
Give al-anon a try and some good books that helped me in the beginning are "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting Them Sober".
Also, don't try (as hard as it can be) to determain whether or not she is drinking or not. It will drive you crazy. Try to focus on yourself and the things you CAN change.
Keep posting!! many of us have been through what you are going through
Please fight for the child! Do not bend. You should have custody. It is what the child deserves. Think of it this way, Would you leave your child with a drunk babysitter?
You CAN be seperated and still support her. You just won't have a front row seat to the disease anymore.
Give al-anon a try
and some good books that helped me in the beginning are "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting Them Sober".Also, don't try (as hard as it can be) to determain whether or not she is drinking or not. It will drive you crazy. Try to focus on yourself and the things you CAN change.
Keep posting!! many of us have been through what you are going through
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 64
I probably am not the best person to be giving advice as I am only beginning my recovery, but I will share what I have learned so far. I am in the process of separating from my AH, as soon he gets out of the hospital, if he gets out. He's in severe withdrawal. Tomorrow will be a week that he's been in, completely sedated and on a ventilator. He denied his drinking right up until the end. He drank for years and I didn't realize it until we got married and moved in together. Once I did catch on, he became a real expert at hiding and sneaking. In the beginning, I found the hiding spots, but after a while I stopped trying because he got more clever and there really was no point. I guess what I'm trying to say is go with your gut, I wish I had. Many times I suspected he might have a drinking problem but thought "he goes to work every day and is responsible so he's not an alcoholic." I understand wanting to be supportive and help your W through. I tried that too, along with crying, ultimatums, reasoning, etc., many times. If she is going to get sober only she can do it. But until she admits she has a problem, and really believes it, there is really nothing you can do. Good luck to you and your son!
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I just wanted to agree with Want2befree
I had an image of what an alcoholic was in my head. And AH didn't fit that image.
When he went into recovery the first time. His sponsor from AA picked him up at the house. He wanted to meet me. I remember it vividily I was holding our new born baby. My hair was a mess. I was probably still in my pj's. AH's sponsor walks up to the door to say hi and is in a nice shirt and tie, driving a nice car. Then I realized an A can be anyone. There are no sterotypes. A Doctor, a Teacher, a Bus driver, a Musician, Nurse, Factory worker, Scientist, Proffessor, Councelor, Supervisor, Waitress(er), Lunch Lady, Store owner, CEO, Gardener....etc. This disease does not care what your job is, where you live or what kind of car you drive. BUT left to go long enough if it will certainly take those things away.
It is progressive. It does get worse. I didn't believe it could get worse until it did. My Husband is a shell of the man I used to know. It is very sad. BUt I know I can not make him better. That is between him and his HP.
I had an image of what an alcoholic was in my head. And AH didn't fit that image.
When he went into recovery the first time. His sponsor from AA picked him up at the house. He wanted to meet me. I remember it vividily I was holding our new born baby. My hair was a mess. I was probably still in my pj's. AH's sponsor walks up to the door to say hi and is in a nice shirt and tie, driving a nice car. Then I realized an A can be anyone. There are no sterotypes. A Doctor, a Teacher, a Bus driver, a Musician, Nurse, Factory worker, Scientist, Proffessor, Councelor, Supervisor, Waitress(er), Lunch Lady, Store owner, CEO, Gardener....etc. This disease does not care what your job is, where you live or what kind of car you drive. BUT left to go long enough if it will certainly take those things away.
It is progressive. It does get worse. I didn't believe it could get worse until it did. My Husband is a shell of the man I used to know. It is very sad. BUt I know I can not make him better. That is between him and his HP.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: VA BEACH
Posts: 6
A normal person adjust their behavior to their situation and an addict adjust their situation to their behavior.
That is why my wife has no problem in breaking up our family. She blindly needs to fed her addiction in peace.
That is why my wife has no problem in breaking up our family. She blindly needs to fed her addiction in peace.
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