Alcoholic wife but I'm trying to find answers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 18
My wife is Alcoholic and I'm trying to find answers
Hello, folks,
I am new and not certain where to begin. So, my story which is not so different than others.
Wife is alcoholic. No doubt. Very sweet person sober. But drinks to point of blackout or near about once a month. Wasted for about 3 to 5 days. There is always an outside reason for drinking. Rainy, too hot, dead father unresolved issues. Mother, Daughter, me. Others are drinking. Under stress. Migraine. Arthritis. Finances. And on and on and on. Is ashamed and embarassed after bout.
My question is what do I do. I hide our guns (she has said she wanted to kill herself). I hide car keys because I do not trust her to not drive. If I find her stash of vodka, I water it down. Basically, I hole up and take care of the house and our dogs. I am afraid she will let them get out. I just cannot trust her at all when she is blasted. I am afraid to leave the house except for real short errands. I keep myself fairly busy but during times like this, I am afraid to listen to the TV in case I miss her call. I feel like a hostage and even when she crashes on the couch, I lock my bedroom because I do not trust her not to stab me. Never any indication that she would, but I have no trust in her when she is wasted. I may be an overly dramatic person and take things to their abstract limits, but I am worried.
2 visits to Emergency room for DTs in the past 12 years. I probably should have taken her other times, but I was new to her habits then. Now, I just go to bed.
Enough. I know I could go on and on and on and it would not be news to anyone. I guess I am just trying to establish my role here. What am I to do? What do I do about living when she is wasted. I broke a date with my daughter for lunch because I don't feel like I can leave house. And, of course, I can't do much while she is wasted because then she says I am just letting everyone know she has a problem. Like everyone does not know already.
I am new and not certain where to begin. So, my story which is not so different than others.
Wife is alcoholic. No doubt. Very sweet person sober. But drinks to point of blackout or near about once a month. Wasted for about 3 to 5 days. There is always an outside reason for drinking. Rainy, too hot, dead father unresolved issues. Mother, Daughter, me. Others are drinking. Under stress. Migraine. Arthritis. Finances. And on and on and on. Is ashamed and embarassed after bout.
My question is what do I do. I hide our guns (she has said she wanted to kill herself). I hide car keys because I do not trust her to not drive. If I find her stash of vodka, I water it down. Basically, I hole up and take care of the house and our dogs. I am afraid she will let them get out. I just cannot trust her at all when she is blasted. I am afraid to leave the house except for real short errands. I keep myself fairly busy but during times like this, I am afraid to listen to the TV in case I miss her call. I feel like a hostage and even when she crashes on the couch, I lock my bedroom because I do not trust her not to stab me. Never any indication that she would, but I have no trust in her when she is wasted. I may be an overly dramatic person and take things to their abstract limits, but I am worried.
2 visits to Emergency room for DTs in the past 12 years. I probably should have taken her other times, but I was new to her habits then. Now, I just go to bed.
Enough. I know I could go on and on and on and it would not be news to anyone. I guess I am just trying to establish my role here. What am I to do? What do I do about living when she is wasted. I broke a date with my daughter for lunch because I don't feel like I can leave house. And, of course, I can't do much while she is wasted because then she says I am just letting everyone know she has a problem. Like everyone does not know already.
Last edited by Vanish; 04-14-2009 at 08:33 AM. Reason: Title bad
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR, Vanish! Please know that you are among people who understand.
Take some time to read the stickies at the top of this forum and start to educate yourself on alcoholism. Learn the three C's-you didn't cause her alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
A good starter book to read is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I'd also encourage you to find Alanon meetings in your area and start attending for face-to-face support among others who have learned to cope with active alcoholics in their lives. There you will learn to put the focus back on yourself. We can be of little use to others if we are not taking care of ourselves first and foremost!
I hope you continue to post, and again, welcome! :ghug
Take some time to read the stickies at the top of this forum and start to educate yourself on alcoholism. Learn the three C's-you didn't cause her alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
A good starter book to read is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I'd also encourage you to find Alanon meetings in your area and start attending for face-to-face support among others who have learned to cope with active alcoholics in their lives. There you will learn to put the focus back on yourself. We can be of little use to others if we are not taking care of ourselves first and foremost!
I hope you continue to post, and again, welcome! :ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Vanish 
I don't know why, but I almost started to cry when I saw a reply. Thanks for the suggestions. I will do anything. I feel so alone without my partner.
I was so isolated from the outside world, and completely caught up in what he was doing, and what I could do to fix it. I had no idea it wasn't something that I could fix.
Believe me, there are many good people here who will extend a helping hand to you and lend an ear.
I also have a 31 year old daughter who's an active alcoholic/addict. We don't have much of a relationship these days, but Alanon gave me the tools to have peace of mind in spite of what she is or isn't doing with her life.
You aren't alone in your struggles of having a loved one in active alcoholism. :ghug
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
vanish,
You are in the right place and as freedom1990 stated, you need to educate yourself and find Al-Anon. It sounds like you are walking on pins and needles and the thing you will learn from education and Al-Anon, you have to take care of yourself.
By hiding the keys or watering down the booze, does this make her stop? Putting your life on hold, does this make her stop? I think all of us have tried doing similar things that you are doing, but the alcoholic in our lives keep drinking, no matter what kind of "roadblocks" we try to put up.
My prayers are with you, you can get through this as hard as it may seem.
You are in the right place and as freedom1990 stated, you need to educate yourself and find Al-Anon. It sounds like you are walking on pins and needles and the thing you will learn from education and Al-Anon, you have to take care of yourself.
By hiding the keys or watering down the booze, does this make her stop? Putting your life on hold, does this make her stop? I think all of us have tried doing similar things that you are doing, but the alcoholic in our lives keep drinking, no matter what kind of "roadblocks" we try to put up.
My prayers are with you, you can get through this as hard as it may seem.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 37
Vanish,
I've been and still am in the same situation as you. Looking for answers. As others have said, YOU can't stop her from drinking. YOU can help YOURSELF. Make sure that the car/insurance is in your wife's name. Let her drive....if something happens it's her responsibility. Separate you money. Don't pick her up when she falls and only call EMS if serious injury happens. Do all you can to keep detached from her actions. Visit a counselor. Go to AlAnon meetings. The hardest thing to do, the thing that I'm having the most problem with, is preparing for legal separation/divorce. But that might end up the only option.
I've been and still am in the same situation as you. Looking for answers. As others have said, YOU can't stop her from drinking. YOU can help YOURSELF. Make sure that the car/insurance is in your wife's name. Let her drive....if something happens it's her responsibility. Separate you money. Don't pick her up when she falls and only call EMS if serious injury happens. Do all you can to keep detached from her actions. Visit a counselor. Go to AlAnon meetings. The hardest thing to do, the thing that I'm having the most problem with, is preparing for legal separation/divorce. But that might end up the only option.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Vanish,
I am sorry you are going through this but I am happy you joined SR. This is a wonderful site.
I really hope you read Melody Beattie's book. It is an eye-opener. Are you going to an individual therapist? When I was with an alcoholic boyfriend, it was very frustrating to me to have MY feelings unacknowledged. It was as if only he existed, so talking about my feelings with a therapist gave me the validation I needed to understand that I matter just as much as he or anyone does.
Eventhough it sucks, these hurtful situations have helped many to grow and improve ourselves, so at least something good comes from all this madness.
I am sorry your wife has this disease. She seems a very troubled woman. But I am glad your daughter has at least one sane parent - YOU!
I am sorry you are going through this but I am happy you joined SR. This is a wonderful site.
I really hope you read Melody Beattie's book. It is an eye-opener. Are you going to an individual therapist? When I was with an alcoholic boyfriend, it was very frustrating to me to have MY feelings unacknowledged. It was as if only he existed, so talking about my feelings with a therapist gave me the validation I needed to understand that I matter just as much as he or anyone does.
Eventhough it sucks, these hurtful situations have helped many to grow and improve ourselves, so at least something good comes from all this madness.
I am sorry your wife has this disease. She seems a very troubled woman. But I am glad your daughter has at least one sane parent - YOU!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
One of the things that caught my eye was your statement about her not wanting everyone to know she has a problem and you saying "like doesn't everyone know already". Man did I live with that one. My AH thought that nobody could tell. It was amazing to me how blind he was. Fact was, everyone did know and he wasn't fooling anyone but himself. It never ceases to amaze me how alike they are. How similar our stories are.
I highly recommend Alanon. I didn't think I needed it. He had the problem, not me. The sorry truth is that I did need Alanon and once I started going, I was kicking myself for not going sooner.
I highly recommend Alanon. I didn't think I needed it. He had the problem, not me. The sorry truth is that I did need Alanon and once I started going, I was kicking myself for not going sooner.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Welcome Vanish. You started your recovery today today by reaching out for help. That took a lot of courage on your part. I know in my situation my life became so mixed up with my alcoholic husband that I forgot where I began and where he started. I was not functioning well in the end and could not even tell you anything aout me...like what I liked, what made me happy. I lost me in all the mess.
What are YOU getting out of this relationship? What do YOU want for your life?
Around here people write about "baby steps". You know it took me 18 years to get where I was and I wasn't going to get out in a day or two. But inch by inch I am improving and feeling better.
What "baby step" can you take (you already took one by posting here) to make your life a bit saner for today?
Here are some other books I liked: How Alanon Works and the "Getting Them Sober" books. Here is a link that has free chapters on line. Look for the yellow box toward the top of the page. Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications
What are YOU getting out of this relationship? What do YOU want for your life?
Around here people write about "baby steps". You know it took me 18 years to get where I was and I wasn't going to get out in a day or two. But inch by inch I am improving and feeling better.
What "baby step" can you take (you already took one by posting here) to make your life a bit saner for today?
Here are some other books I liked: How Alanon Works and the "Getting Them Sober" books. Here is a link that has free chapters on line. Look for the yellow box toward the top of the page. Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 18
Thanks, folks. I ran out and bought Co-dependent No More and sat in the parking lot and read a lot of it. I think the key here for me was the definition of co-dependency. I see that my life and actions are affected by someone and because that person is my wife, I take on the responsibility to lift her up to be all she is capable of being. But, she occasionally chooses to be far less and I have to take up the slack. I am going to work on "detachment with love". I love her and want to continue that. But, I have to set my boundaries and let her be the adult sSHE chooses to be. Then I willl see what the future holds. I know this may sound like I found the perfect quick fix but any semblance a plan makes me feel there is hope beyond this anxiety over every situation which may provide her with the opportunity to get wasted. Will she? Won't she? I lose sleep and she invalidates my feelings by accusing me of putting her in situations where I know she will fail. Like going to dinner with friends, having someone over, roasting wienies around a campfire even. Detach. Detach. Detach. Love. Love. Love. My new mantra. :-)
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 18
Freedom1990....
Sorry about your daughter. My father-of-3 heart goes out to you. My girls are typical so far. No real abuse issues. But, I am completely aware that social drinking can slip over the edge easily. So far, Mom has set such a bad example that my girls, all 3 of 'em are aware and very cautious about alcohol. 21, 27 and 31 yrs in age with varying levels of drinking in all of them. I don't know how they started after seeing such a bad example, but I pray that they have the wisdom to watch their consumption carefully.
Sorry about your daughter. My father-of-3 heart goes out to you. My girls are typical so far. No real abuse issues. But, I am completely aware that social drinking can slip over the edge easily. So far, Mom has set such a bad example that my girls, all 3 of 'em are aware and very cautious about alcohol. 21, 27 and 31 yrs in age with varying levels of drinking in all of them. I don't know how they started after seeing such a bad example, but I pray that they have the wisdom to watch their consumption carefully.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 18
Dreamstones...
You asked simple questions. To simple I guess. I have been in the forest so long, I forgot about the trees. Of course nothing I do makes a difference. She just has to by more to get to the buzz she wants or calls a cab to get her to the store. I guess I felt the need to do something, even if it made no sense. I guess I never asked myself the questions you asked. Thanks. :-)
You asked simple questions. To simple I guess. I have been in the forest so long, I forgot about the trees. Of course nothing I do makes a difference. She just has to by more to get to the buzz she wants or calls a cab to get her to the store. I guess I felt the need to do something, even if it made no sense. I guess I never asked myself the questions you asked. Thanks. :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 18
And, to everyone who helped me this day....
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am sort of emotionally torn up and it is strange that "voices" over the internet made me feel better. Tomorrow, with perseverance.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am sort of emotionally torn up and it is strange that "voices" over the internet made me feel better. Tomorrow, with perseverance.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Believe me Vanish, I tend to over analyze everything, sometimes taking a step back and looking at the trees does make sense. With both my AD and AS, I've hidden the keys, dumped the booze, etc. it never changed things. I've even gone on "missions" to see if they went to work, were driving, etc. it didn't do anything but cause aggrevation in the long run. It never is easy and you are taking the right steps now in seeking the support that you and all of us need!
Originally Posted by Vanish
Dreamstones...
You asked simple questions. To simple I guess. I have been in the forest so long, I forgot about the trees. Of course nothing I do makes a difference. She just has to by more to get to the buzz she wants or calls a cab to get her to the store. I guess I felt the need to do something, even if it made no sense. I guess I never asked myself the questions you asked. Thanks. :-)
You asked simple questions. To simple I guess. I have been in the forest so long, I forgot about the trees. Of course nothing I do makes a difference. She just has to by more to get to the buzz she wants or calls a cab to get her to the store. I guess I felt the need to do something, even if it made no sense. I guess I never asked myself the questions you asked. Thanks. :-)
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Vanish, I see great things in store for you. You have a willingness to listen and learn.
As for my oldest daughter, it is what it is. I no longer lose sleep over it at night because I know God has a plan for her, and I'm staying out of his way.
I've been in recovery from alcoholism/addiction many years myself, and I had to go through everything I did in order to hit a bottom. She has the right to do so also.
Keep posting and keep working on that detachment! :ghug
As for my oldest daughter, it is what it is. I no longer lose sleep over it at night because I know God has a plan for her, and I'm staying out of his way.
I've been in recovery from alcoholism/addiction many years myself, and I had to go through everything I did in order to hit a bottom. She has the right to do so also.
Keep posting and keep working on that detachment! :ghug
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Vanish,
Hugs to you. :ghug
Keep coming back and posting, as you learn more and process through. It truly is a journey. There are thousands of people here on this forum who understand the world of addiction and who have experience with just about any situation. They know the craziness and pain you feel, so you never have to feel alone in this situation, again.
Local face to face support in an Alanon group is a wonderful tool, too. You can google alanon and follow links to find local meetings and meet people who can support you, as well.
We know how much it hurts and how crazy it feels.
We also know with the right tools and information and support, you can get past the hurt and craziness, and go on to live happily, again! It can be done! We are living proof, in various stages of our journey toward that happiness!
CLMI
Hugs to you. :ghug
Keep coming back and posting, as you learn more and process through. It truly is a journey. There are thousands of people here on this forum who understand the world of addiction and who have experience with just about any situation. They know the craziness and pain you feel, so you never have to feel alone in this situation, again.
Local face to face support in an Alanon group is a wonderful tool, too. You can google alanon and follow links to find local meetings and meet people who can support you, as well.
We know how much it hurts and how crazy it feels.
We also know with the right tools and information and support, you can get past the hurt and craziness, and go on to live happily, again! It can be done! We are living proof, in various stages of our journey toward that happiness!
CLMI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 18
AW coming out of episode. I am seeing new tactics. I altered my response to her accusations. She always blames me for some trigger which sets her off. I did not react in defense. Now she is in the I hate myself mode. I told her she was worthwhile and had to choose to be who she wanted to be. She does not want to be alone in her bed any more. I will move back into my bedroom. Sex is not the reason. I felt manipulated out of my bed and feel I am reasserting myself. If I say no, she wins the right to drink some more. If I say yes, then I am back where I belong, I think? Hope this is not a new tactic of hers I am falling for.
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