jehnifer

Ive been remarried almost three years. My husband doesnt like it when my teenage daughter has friends over. I think its because his own daughters don't live with us and he feels jealous or sad. But anyway, my daughter doesnt have friends over much anymore because she sees how mad he gets. But every once in a while (every couple of weeks) she will have girls over to watch a movie, hang out in her bedroom etc.

My husband gets angry and gives "me" the silent treatment for this, angry body language, huffs, eye rolls OR if I ask him "whats wrong?" he will light into me about how his house is overrun, they're eating the food, he needs his space, etc. My daughter and her freinds are very well behaved. I dont ask him anymore "what's worng" because I know how he feels. My problem is that I feel fear and intimidated by his reaction, yet am not willing to tell my daughter she cant have friends over. I fear conflict, I worry when someone is mad at me. But I am not willing to orchestrate things so that he gets what he wants. I also feel a huge amount of resentment toward him. WHat do you think of this situation? What would you do? thanks

Freedom1990

I think it's sad that he reacts the way that he does. I don't care for emotional bullies, nor will I put up with them.

I don't have any suggestions for you because personally I won't be put in that kind of situation.

bragi

jehnifer,

Well, I totally understand your resentment. I think your daughter having friends over is pretty normal and healthy; I'd side with you in saying that I think he's being very unreasonable. Can he go hang out with his friends on those nights?

Rainbowsend

Sonds like you are second guessing his reasons and making excuses for him?

My father was exactlly like this, it wasn't for any other reason than control, it was his house and what he said went. It was a way to drive me out of the house to isolate my mother too a he was jealous of every relationship she had even the one with their shared daughter.

I wish my mother hadn't trod on eggshells over this one. I did have it out with him myself but it's intimidating having to lock yourself in the bathroom at 14 while your father tries to beat the door down.

laurie6781

Why do you find it necessary to stay with a man who treats your daughter this way?

What is he teaching your daughter, by his actions, about what a relationship is all about?

I like Freedom would not put myself in a situation like this, and if I found my relationship turning into one with a BULLY one of us would be gone very quickly.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Still Waters

This behavior was one of the (many) reasons I left my AH. I consider this emotional and mental abuse, and I was not going to allow him to treat me or my daughter in this manner any longer.

Not to mention being told what a crappy Mother I am, by someone who has absolutely no experience with children.

Bernadette

Why can't you just completely ignore it if he is huffing and puffing and complaining? He's allowed to have his reaction. he doesn't like it, he feels his house is overrun. So be it. Don;t feed that energy at all. If he's giving you the silent treatment then can't you find something else to do than pay attention to that? Clean a closet? Bake some bread? Knit? Sew? Read? Watch the movie with the girls??

It is a classic sign of codependence when we take responsibility for or try to manage other people's moods and reactions.

Ignore him completely. Keep the focus on you and Dear Daughter. There's absolutely nothing wrong with DD having pals over - it's very healthy in fact. Leave him to his bad mood about it.

peace,
b

Barbara52

Don't worry. Sooner or later your daughter will stop inviting friends over. Or her friends will say no to invites. I'd be willing to bet none of them want to be around him anymore than he wants them around. Kids are real quick to pick up on not being wanted.

Of course she is learning lessons you may not want your daughter to learn in the meantime: that her wants and needs are unimportant, that its right and good for adult men to bully people, that mom isn't going to stand up for her, that emotional abuse is acceptable, that relationships between are not equal, that children cannot depend on their parents (or step parents) to give them a safe environment to live in, and a whole lot more. And she might end up some day in the future married to just such as man as you are married to since that is the model she grew up with and just might end up posting on a board just like this one wondering what to do with her own messed up life.

But only you can decide what to do about this. Like the others have said, I don't tolerate such behaviors.

Neagrm

Sometimes... when I can own my feelings completely, put aside whatever his issues are; and when I can say out loud what I'm experiencing in the moment (forget all explanations and reasons, just stick to your immediate feelings):

I feel ... [frightened/sad/triggers my scared child inside/feels icky/my stomach gets in knots/ etc.]. (Please just listen first before replying.)

I feel this way when... [you use/someone uses that tone of voice/body language/gestures/etc.].

Then I may restate for clarification ...
I want to connect with you in a healthy, genuine way; at those times (when this specific behavior is present, spell it out with particulars), and this is all about me and my own reactions/feelings - not about you - I feel like ... [I want to withdraw/hide/get angry/scream at you/etc.] It's uncomfortable and I dont like it.

Finally, I'll say... Do you think you'd be willing, or, Would you be willing to ... [whatever specific behavior you'd like to see, keep it simple and clear; maybe something like ... Would you be willing to try ... speaking in a different tone of voice with calm tones/ not rolling your eyes/ telling me adult-to-adult what you're feeling/thinking so we can help each other.] Or whatever it is you'd like him to do/say.

It's simpler than I've explained above. Maybe someone else can say it more clearly if you get the gist. I've had this work in a wonderful way at times with astounding and helpful results. Basically it's using 3 parts --

"I feel... when... Would you be willing to ....?"

Another thing that sometimes helps me is when I can be a mirror to the person, or slowing down the process so each of us has more time to think and process what's happening in the moment. For example; I'll re-state exactly what I heard him say, "This is what I heard you say _ _ _. Is that what you said?" or, "Would you please say more about that so it's clear to me? I'm not sure what you mean by ... (say back to him what he said.)"

Then you can go on after he clarifies; "Okay, I need to tell you what's happening with me when you said/did that. I'm feeling - - - (scared, sad, mad, etc.).

"It would help me if you said/did - - -. Would you be willing to try ....?"

I'm just throwing out ideas here for specific techniques. Others may have more helpful ideas. The important things is to get CLEAR about your feelings/thoughts and set strong, healthy boundaries.

Some people never had the model for clear and straight forward communication. Sometimes we have to model it for them or teach them how to do it. I hope he's open to your leading. Best of luck to you.