Oh, if I could dole out the wisdom...
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Oh, if I could dole out the wisdom...
Hi guys and gals 
I came here tonight, as I often do in the evenings, to read some posts... perhaps respond... share some laughs, and most of all I came here to relax in an environment where I feel comfortable and accepted.
I was saddened to read the post "Pattern?" by WenchRetort. I wasn't really ANGRY at him... Mostly I felt frustrated and concerned for what he DOESN'T know about us codies, and about the Alanon / Naranon program. He mentioned that he was sure that all we did was "male-bash" and talk down about Alcoholics in general. I was sad that he was unaware of exactly what we are trying to do for ourselves, and where our A is concerned - if he only knew.
In fact, last week, at my Alanon meeting, it was brought up that in the Alanon program, we are "prepped" and educated on the disease of addiction. We learn about how the disease effects the A's health AND mental being - and in accordance, we learn how WE can "walk beside" our loved ones, instead of stepping in front of them all the time - Detaching With Love. We may not be Addicts ourselves, but we learn of their struggles. However, in AA, there is not a "section" in the program where the A learns specifically about their loved ones; spouses, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons... Not in any great detail. They aren't given the gift of trying to understand OUR struggles.
Of course, I am not saying that "it should be written". I am simply pointing out that in the situation that occured here tonight, with WenchRetort, it would have been such a blessing if HE understood a little more of what makes US tick. We certainly DON'T sit around discussing them all the time, or male-bashing, or A-bashing for that matter. These forums bring to me a special "friend" that I can turn to... to unload on... to gain wisdom. And in the process I grow and change and learn as I find I can help others. I so wish that I could make others (our A's) understand a little more.
I wonder what YOUR thoughts are?
Take care
Meg
I came here tonight, as I often do in the evenings, to read some posts... perhaps respond... share some laughs, and most of all I came here to relax in an environment where I feel comfortable and accepted.
I was saddened to read the post "Pattern?" by WenchRetort. I wasn't really ANGRY at him... Mostly I felt frustrated and concerned for what he DOESN'T know about us codies, and about the Alanon / Naranon program. He mentioned that he was sure that all we did was "male-bash" and talk down about Alcoholics in general. I was sad that he was unaware of exactly what we are trying to do for ourselves, and where our A is concerned - if he only knew.
In fact, last week, at my Alanon meeting, it was brought up that in the Alanon program, we are "prepped" and educated on the disease of addiction. We learn about how the disease effects the A's health AND mental being - and in accordance, we learn how WE can "walk beside" our loved ones, instead of stepping in front of them all the time - Detaching With Love. We may not be Addicts ourselves, but we learn of their struggles. However, in AA, there is not a "section" in the program where the A learns specifically about their loved ones; spouses, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons... Not in any great detail. They aren't given the gift of trying to understand OUR struggles.
Of course, I am not saying that "it should be written". I am simply pointing out that in the situation that occured here tonight, with WenchRetort, it would have been such a blessing if HE understood a little more of what makes US tick. We certainly DON'T sit around discussing them all the time, or male-bashing, or A-bashing for that matter. These forums bring to me a special "friend" that I can turn to... to unload on... to gain wisdom. And in the process I grow and change and learn as I find I can help others. I so wish that I could make others (our A's) understand a little more.
I wonder what YOUR thoughts are?
Take care
Meg
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Wench retort is drinking that's why he doesn't get it. As an addict in recovery I can tell you that when I was using I really didn't think about what I was doing to anyone else. It's not that I didn't care, it's just that my primary focus was on using. It didn't matter who I hurt along the way because I had what made me numb to my feelings anyway.
In sobriety, I don't think addicts and alcoholics need a program to understand what we did to the people around us. Believe me we live with it everyday in early recovery. It's in our face and it's very painful. I have a conscience today and that's all the awareness I need that I hurt people in my life. I spend a better part of my program making amends for that very thing.
The attitude displayed tonight by WR is a good example of how active drug addicts and alcoholics turn things around to make it look like the other persons fault. When I hit bottom and got clean, it was all staring me in the face pretty clearly. Even if the A doesn't let on, they know the mess they have made of things.
In sobriety, I don't think addicts and alcoholics need a program to understand what we did to the people around us. Believe me we live with it everyday in early recovery. It's in our face and it's very painful. I have a conscience today and that's all the awareness I need that I hurt people in my life. I spend a better part of my program making amends for that very thing.
The attitude displayed tonight by WR is a good example of how active drug addicts and alcoholics turn things around to make it look like the other persons fault. When I hit bottom and got clean, it was all staring me in the face pretty clearly. Even if the A doesn't let on, they know the mess they have made of things.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I think it`s great that WR is now posting in Alcoholism/AA Forum.
Thanks for shipping him over ladies!!
He is still drinking...why take his post to y`all seriously?
Sadly we all know drunks and their rants.
I do hope he comes to realize he needs help.
Is that not why we are here?
God works in mysterious ways
Thanks for shipping him over ladies!!
He is still drinking...why take his post to y`all seriously?
Sadly we all know drunks and their rants.
I do hope he comes to realize he needs help.
Is that not why we are here?
God works in mysterious ways
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Stephanie,
I am so glad you responded
I understand what you are saying about the reasons WHY WR said and did what he did - I completely agree. He must not be working a program of his own at all; the "blaming" seems senseless when one is working on himself.
I have to respond to one thing you said:
"In sobriety, I don't think addicts and alcoholics need a program to understand what we did to the people around us. Believe me we live with it everyday in early recovery. It's in our face and it's very painful. I have a conscience today and that's all the awareness I need that I hurt people in my life. I spend a better part of my program making amends for that very thing."
In no way do I WANT the A in my life to "own up to " and understand what he has "done to me". He has done his 4th step twice now, and without MY input, he has realized the harm he has done in the past; he has also begun to make ammends.
I guess what I am trying to say is that since coming here to the boards, and since beginning my own recovery in Alanon, I have begun to understand that I am not unique. I am Codependant, and I am in a committed relationship with an Alcoholic / Addict. There are various factors that make MY life similar to many of those here and in my Alanon group; so many in fact. I have been the type to try to "control" my husbands drinking, and his recovery... hoping that I could manipulate things to go MY way. I have become insane in my attempts to get in the way of my husbands life, and in so many ways have lost touch with who I am; I have forgotten how to take care of myself. I am, in nature, a fearful person; SURE that the worst WILL happen. I often live in a depressed state; a state of worry and confusion. I do not trust my husband, or anyone; I have a hard time trusting God.
These characteristics are often true of many of the Alanon members you'll find here, and in meetings.
I don't wish that the A in my life could see what he has done TO me - I am not out for revenge. I suppose I wish he could get a better understanding of where I come from emotionally; WHY I do, and have done, the things I do. And in turn, what I am learning to do now in Alanon - the lessons I am learning, and the goals I am working to acheive.
Make sense?
I don't claim to KNOW the AA program inside and out - AND I am not an Alcoholic myself. But I do attend open meetings with my husband, and I do have a grasp of how the program works for him. I am so thankful he has his meetings, and his sponser - it has saved his life.
Anyhow... I am done babbling
Take care
Meg
I am so glad you responded
I understand what you are saying about the reasons WHY WR said and did what he did - I completely agree. He must not be working a program of his own at all; the "blaming" seems senseless when one is working on himself.
I have to respond to one thing you said:
"In sobriety, I don't think addicts and alcoholics need a program to understand what we did to the people around us. Believe me we live with it everyday in early recovery. It's in our face and it's very painful. I have a conscience today and that's all the awareness I need that I hurt people in my life. I spend a better part of my program making amends for that very thing."
In no way do I WANT the A in my life to "own up to " and understand what he has "done to me". He has done his 4th step twice now, and without MY input, he has realized the harm he has done in the past; he has also begun to make ammends.
I guess what I am trying to say is that since coming here to the boards, and since beginning my own recovery in Alanon, I have begun to understand that I am not unique. I am Codependant, and I am in a committed relationship with an Alcoholic / Addict. There are various factors that make MY life similar to many of those here and in my Alanon group; so many in fact. I have been the type to try to "control" my husbands drinking, and his recovery... hoping that I could manipulate things to go MY way. I have become insane in my attempts to get in the way of my husbands life, and in so many ways have lost touch with who I am; I have forgotten how to take care of myself. I am, in nature, a fearful person; SURE that the worst WILL happen. I often live in a depressed state; a state of worry and confusion. I do not trust my husband, or anyone; I have a hard time trusting God.
These characteristics are often true of many of the Alanon members you'll find here, and in meetings.
I don't wish that the A in my life could see what he has done TO me - I am not out for revenge. I suppose I wish he could get a better understanding of where I come from emotionally; WHY I do, and have done, the things I do. And in turn, what I am learning to do now in Alanon - the lessons I am learning, and the goals I am working to acheive.
Make sense?
I don't claim to KNOW the AA program inside and out - AND I am not an Alcoholic myself. But I do attend open meetings with my husband, and I do have a grasp of how the program works for him. I am so thankful he has his meetings, and his sponser - it has saved his life.
Anyhow... I am done babbling
Take care
Meg
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi Meg,
I get it now. Sorry I got confused there.
OK, lets try to put this delicately. I am codependent beyond belief. I hear your pain and identify with all of what you described in terms of how you feel a lot of the time. In fact I'm actually in therapy for this very thing right now, yet I sought out the therapist for other reasons, he says all of my issues stem from my codependence.
My husband is in no way codependent and he doesn't get a lot of the way I feel or some of the things I have been known to do, like go through his stuff. In fact I can say with great certainty that he has no desire to GET where I am coming from. I think he's just happy if I am happy and off HIS back. If he came to an alanon meeting with me to see where I a coming from and what I am doing about it without me begging him to do so I believe that would make him codependent. We understand so much about them and their struggles becaause WE are codependent. That's not thier disease.
Addicts and alcoholics by nature tend to be a selfish lot. More concerned with how things affect them than anything else. That selfish attitude is a survival tactic when an addict is using. In the program the entire 12 steps are devoted to seeing our part in things and being able to make amends. We do inventories just to discover where WE (alcoholics/addicts) are coming from.
As a codepenent I would rather be in a program to find out what's going on with my husband so I can figure him out know what's going on and have reasons for why he does what he does. Then I found out alanon was about me. As it turns out codependency is a pretty selfish disease as well. We learn to focus on us so we can stop obsessing about the other person and take better care of ourselves. The addict in AA/NA learns to stop obsessing about a substanse so we can take better care of ourselves.
In the end if two people in a marriage are taking better care of themselves, then they are going to be healthier and more available for eachother. That's what is most important.
I hope I was able to make myself and my thoughts here somewhat cohearant. It's a little complicated when you're blessed with both of these diseases
I get it now. Sorry I got confused there.
OK, lets try to put this delicately. I am codependent beyond belief. I hear your pain and identify with all of what you described in terms of how you feel a lot of the time. In fact I'm actually in therapy for this very thing right now, yet I sought out the therapist for other reasons, he says all of my issues stem from my codependence.
My husband is in no way codependent and he doesn't get a lot of the way I feel or some of the things I have been known to do, like go through his stuff. In fact I can say with great certainty that he has no desire to GET where I am coming from. I think he's just happy if I am happy and off HIS back. If he came to an alanon meeting with me to see where I a coming from and what I am doing about it without me begging him to do so I believe that would make him codependent. We understand so much about them and their struggles becaause WE are codependent. That's not thier disease.
Addicts and alcoholics by nature tend to be a selfish lot. More concerned with how things affect them than anything else. That selfish attitude is a survival tactic when an addict is using. In the program the entire 12 steps are devoted to seeing our part in things and being able to make amends. We do inventories just to discover where WE (alcoholics/addicts) are coming from.
As a codepenent I would rather be in a program to find out what's going on with my husband so I can figure him out know what's going on and have reasons for why he does what he does. Then I found out alanon was about me. As it turns out codependency is a pretty selfish disease as well. We learn to focus on us so we can stop obsessing about the other person and take better care of ourselves. The addict in AA/NA learns to stop obsessing about a substanse so we can take better care of ourselves.
In the end if two people in a marriage are taking better care of themselves, then they are going to be healthier and more available for eachother. That's what is most important.
I hope I was able to make myself and my thoughts here somewhat cohearant. It's a little complicated when you're blessed with both of these diseases
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Meg and Steph,
Just wanted to say, I loved reading both of your posts and you guys understand what this is really all about. Us. All we are are a bunch of codies addicted to our husbands/SO's, and other people in general. This damn codependency drives me crazy! The only time I'm at peace is when I'm not busy wondering what anyone else is doing, thinking, or feeling. And the only time I drive myself crazy is when I let my fear and mistrust of people, which apparently includes God and my lack of faith, overrun my thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Anyway, just felt like throwing my $.02 in.
Just wanted to say, I loved reading both of your posts and you guys understand what this is really all about. Us. All we are are a bunch of codies addicted to our husbands/SO's, and other people in general. This damn codependency drives me crazy! The only time I'm at peace is when I'm not busy wondering what anyone else is doing, thinking, or feeling. And the only time I drive myself crazy is when I let my fear and mistrust of people, which apparently includes God and my lack of faith, overrun my thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Anyway, just felt like throwing my $.02 in.
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Thank you Steph,
I liked your response.
And I think I am learning something here...
Perhaps it is very "codie" of me to once again focus on my husband; Why can't he understand? How could I show him? Yup... I think so. Because you are right. My husband also is happy when I am NOT obsessing about him and getting on his case. Although I would love to have him "get me" and see where I am coming from and what I've learned, it really isn't important; whats important is that I AM learning and growing and happy. He works HIS program, I work mine.
But... If he ever showed interest, I would drag him along to MY meetings in a heartbeat
Oh, and JG... you're 2 cents is welcome any time! Just think how rich we would be if everyone contributed THEIR 2 cents! Rich with wisdom... what a comforting thought
Take care
Meg
I liked your response.
And I think I am learning something here...
Perhaps it is very "codie" of me to once again focus on my husband; Why can't he understand? How could I show him? Yup... I think so. Because you are right. My husband also is happy when I am NOT obsessing about him and getting on his case. Although I would love to have him "get me" and see where I am coming from and what I've learned, it really isn't important; whats important is that I AM learning and growing and happy. He works HIS program, I work mine.
But... If he ever showed interest, I would drag him along to MY meetings in a heartbeat
Oh, and JG... you're 2 cents is welcome any time! Just think how rich we would be if everyone contributed THEIR 2 cents! Rich with wisdom... what a comforting thought
Take care
Meg
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
I just wanted to say that I have been reading this thread with a great deal of interest, though I hadn't responded before. I tried to. Right after EM put it up. It turned into a long argument with myself with a lot of flashbacks that made me beat on the desk. Clearly... I have issues. :lol
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
just another codie
Reading this thread helps me say again that I am just another codie amongst you all. I find my codependence manifesting itself in different ways sometimes, but it is always there. It is a true effort of recovery for me to not think about anyone else or worry about anything I cannot control and just enjoy the moment. i've beeen able to do it a lot more since finding al anon, no doubt. But it will always be a part of me as my husband's addiction will always be a part of him.
It is just starting to really sink in for me that recovery is for life.
It is just starting to really sink in for me that recovery is for life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Conversation in my head:
Well... AA's about being hooked on a substance and Alanon's about being hooked on people.
Ultimately both groups are about our relationship to HP and other people.
I expect that sometimes what an addict is running from is the fact that he feels he has disappointed other people. Maybe they don't need to rub it in.
Good idea. Lets have 'em keep runnin'.
All alanon codies have an alcoholic in their lives. (Or a drug addict.) Not all AA members have a codie.
Yeah but... well okay you have a point.
It's really kind of codie to want someone to understand you.
You just lost ALL your points. It's really kind of human to want someone to understand you.
Yeah, but we're talking about men here.
oh... you...you... REALIST!
Well, okay. Not only men go to AA. But I bet if they did a poll they'd find out that a big percentage of the women that go to AA also go to Alanon.
Yeah, well. OURs is a guy. Let's just think about that one.
Nonsense, we're talking about a total issue.
Talk, talk, talk.
The issue being, why don't they talk about those crazy codies at AA.
Maybe they do. Maybe they're just too polite to repeat what is said. Nanner, nanner, nanner.
Polite?
Okay, I take it back.
I should say so.
Who the hell are you?
yeah!
I'm your anger.
oh, oh.
Would you mind? We're having a rational discussion here.
Is that a fact. Are you talking about how rational it is to hang around with someone who takes your feelings about as seriously as AirForceOne takes a horsefly?
Now that is a gross exaggeration.
example, example, example, example, example
Yeah, but that was before.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
shut up, shut up. say something to defend him.
He takes out the trash sometimes.
He got us that Johnny Depp movie to watch. We like Johnny Depp.
You mean the one about the cocaine smuggler.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!
shut up, shut up!
snurf... I don't suppose he's any less aware than other men. I don't think it has anything to do with substance use.
And there you have it.
So what do we do? Send them to Male-aholics anonymous?
Maybe it wouldn't hurt for them to get in touch with their feminine side.
Dino does not HAVE a feminine side. Turn him over and look.
That's not true! He's extremely sensitive!
Sure, sure. But he's too busy having his own feathers all ruffled to notice when we have been totally and ruthlessly plucked. Example, example, example.
Waaaaaaaaaaaah!
We were talking about codie training in AA.
I don't give an addict's asset what they do in AA.
Addicts have assets?
Sure. Turn one over and look.
Well... AA's about being hooked on a substance and Alanon's about being hooked on people.
Ultimately both groups are about our relationship to HP and other people.
I expect that sometimes what an addict is running from is the fact that he feels he has disappointed other people. Maybe they don't need to rub it in.
Good idea. Lets have 'em keep runnin'.
All alanon codies have an alcoholic in their lives. (Or a drug addict.) Not all AA members have a codie.
Yeah but... well okay you have a point.
It's really kind of codie to want someone to understand you.
You just lost ALL your points. It's really kind of human to want someone to understand you.
Yeah, but we're talking about men here.
oh... you...you... REALIST!
Well, okay. Not only men go to AA. But I bet if they did a poll they'd find out that a big percentage of the women that go to AA also go to Alanon.
Yeah, well. OURs is a guy. Let's just think about that one.
Nonsense, we're talking about a total issue.
Talk, talk, talk.
The issue being, why don't they talk about those crazy codies at AA.
Maybe they do. Maybe they're just too polite to repeat what is said. Nanner, nanner, nanner.
Polite?
Okay, I take it back.
I should say so.
Who the hell are you?
yeah!
I'm your anger.
oh, oh.
Would you mind? We're having a rational discussion here.
Is that a fact. Are you talking about how rational it is to hang around with someone who takes your feelings about as seriously as AirForceOne takes a horsefly?
Now that is a gross exaggeration.
example, example, example, example, example
Yeah, but that was before.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
shut up, shut up. say something to defend him.
He takes out the trash sometimes.
He got us that Johnny Depp movie to watch. We like Johnny Depp.
You mean the one about the cocaine smuggler.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!
shut up, shut up!
snurf... I don't suppose he's any less aware than other men. I don't think it has anything to do with substance use.
And there you have it.
So what do we do? Send them to Male-aholics anonymous?
Maybe it wouldn't hurt for them to get in touch with their feminine side.
Dino does not HAVE a feminine side. Turn him over and look.
That's not true! He's extremely sensitive!
Sure, sure. But he's too busy having his own feathers all ruffled to notice when we have been totally and ruthlessly plucked. Example, example, example.
Waaaaaaaaaaaah!
We were talking about codie training in AA.
I don't give an addict's asset what they do in AA.
Addicts have assets?
Sure. Turn one over and look.
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
I go crazy all the time wanting him to understand what exactly he is doing to our marriage. Like all A's, he blames me for "not trying" when that's all I do. He has no concept of just how much damage he has done to our marriage or why it is so hard for me to be intimate with him.
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
:saywhat?: Suuurrre......................
You give Smoke an opening and she goes all "freaky" on ya! LOL
Throught the smirks and laughter, I DID find the points you were trying to make - Just love the way you let your mind do the talkin'.. he he
OK, so I'll say this again to MYSELF (and to all who need it):
I Didn't Cause it, I Can't Control it, Can't Cure it... So I think I'll just let HIM have it, and I'll take care of mine. Whew... that feels good...
On to the next topic!
Take care
Meg
You give Smoke an opening and she goes all "freaky" on ya! LOL
Throught the smirks and laughter, I DID find the points you were trying to make - Just love the way you let your mind do the talkin'.. he he
OK, so I'll say this again to MYSELF (and to all who need it):
I Didn't Cause it, I Can't Control it, Can't Cure it... So I think I'll just let HIM have it, and I'll take care of mine. Whew... that feels good...
On to the next topic!
Take care
Meg
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Thanks ME!
YOU ALL REALLY ARE HELPING ME WITH MY RECOVERY 'CAUSE EVEN MY SPONSOR SAYS:
' OH LIGHTEN UP WILL YA! Have you been talkin to her or what..
Seriously one comment; Isn't working the Al-Anon program of recovery learning to Let Go and Let God and learning to take MY TURN at living my life instead of theirs...Quite frankly I'D be happy to turn afew A's over to A.A. or anyone else who wants them..... Believe me it's alot harder to Let Go when they don't, won't, ain't goin' have a thing to do with it...
Isn't it fun to laugh at the same things we used to cry over through...
Thanks again gang....:
YOU ALL REALLY ARE HELPING ME WITH MY RECOVERY 'CAUSE EVEN MY SPONSOR SAYS:
' OH LIGHTEN UP WILL YA! Have you been talkin to her or what..
Seriously one comment; Isn't working the Al-Anon program of recovery learning to Let Go and Let God and learning to take MY TURN at living my life instead of theirs...Quite frankly I'D be happy to turn afew A's over to A.A. or anyone else who wants them..... Believe me it's alot harder to Let Go when they don't, won't, ain't goin' have a thing to do with it...
Isn't it fun to laugh at the same things we used to cry over through...
Thanks again gang....:
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
I totally get what you mean Meg and everyone else. I have driven myself crazy trying to prove my point over and over because I want my husband to say, "huh, maybe you're right, that's a good point"
You know what....IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!
And it has everything to do with him and absolutely nothing to do with me.
For me, I have learned that wanting my husband to understand me to the point of my getting upset when he doesn't or when he says we just disagree and I feel like he's not suppose to disagree with what is going on with me. It's who I am.
Well, I have learned that what I'm doing is SEEKING APPROVAL which is what I have done with everyone in my life. I always seem to need other peoples approval to tell me that I'm OK. Also, it always seems to be people who are incapable of giving it to me for reasons that are their own.
Well, the key for me and what I am working on is validating myself. If I have my own approval, that's all I need. I need to have the confidence and self esteem to be happy with who I am.
Sometimes I think about being in a relationship with an enlightened mature man who has the ability to be empathic but unfortunately that's not reality. My reality is that I have to work on being independently OK with me. I also have to trust that God put me on this path for a reason.
You know what....IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!
And it has everything to do with him and absolutely nothing to do with me.
For me, I have learned that wanting my husband to understand me to the point of my getting upset when he doesn't or when he says we just disagree and I feel like he's not suppose to disagree with what is going on with me. It's who I am.
Well, I have learned that what I'm doing is SEEKING APPROVAL which is what I have done with everyone in my life. I always seem to need other peoples approval to tell me that I'm OK. Also, it always seems to be people who are incapable of giving it to me for reasons that are their own.
Well, the key for me and what I am working on is validating myself. If I have my own approval, that's all I need. I need to have the confidence and self esteem to be happy with who I am.
Sometimes I think about being in a relationship with an enlightened mature man who has the ability to be empathic but unfortunately that's not reality. My reality is that I have to work on being independently OK with me. I also have to trust that God put me on this path for a reason.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
bingo!
Well, I have learned that what I'm doing is SEEKING APPROVAL which is what I have done with everyone in my life. I always seem to need other peoples approval to tell me that I'm OK.
This is what I shall work on next about myself.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Actually, it's the one thing I've managed to start letting go of - seeking approval. And I cannot tell you what a relief it is to go about my day, not worried about what anyone else is thinking about me. Sometimes I find myself scared to say something or go somewhere - "What will they think?" But then I remember - Hey, I don't care anymore! As long as I approve of myself, then I'm ok.
Now the whole trust and faith thing, that's what I need to work on....
As long as I approve of myself, then I'm ok. Now the whole trust and faith thing, that's what I need to work on....
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