Brentos

Hey all. I registered because I guess I want some more information on alcoholism and how to manage, and then erase it. My issues pertaining to addiction are pretty immense and I just want to organize my thoughts better regarding it.

I've been drinking alcohol about 4-7 days a week for the past year and a half, and my intake usually ranges from...I don't know the exact units, but 3 fingers worth of whisky in 2-4 drinks whenever consume. Now, I'm a 20 year old male and I also have severe sleep apnea that hasn't been resolved yet using the appropriate therapy (but it will be soon), and other mental disorders that arise from that such as depression and anxiety. Yes, I started drinking to withdraw from the depression at one point. When you're exhausted all the time it's hard to function, and alcohol gave me an outlet in order for me to express myself more appropriately, at least at first. I've been on various antidepressants, mood stabilzers, and anti anxiety medication, however alcohol seems like a huge burden nowadays.

I read here that one goes back to their last negative, emotional drunken mindset anytime they consume and I'm the same way. After a while things began to blur, my memory is failing (but that can be from other issues as well). I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm done with the substance. It's nasty, makes me angry, and I just can't drink. I always knew that but I usually drank alone, so I guess I missed the mark on my own actions. Nowadays if I'm drinking and around people I just get pissed off, so ya, time to stop. I don't know if I'm addicted or not, as I have other issues. Both my parents are/were alcoholics so I suppose it's in my genes, so I should just stop. But I'm highly irritable after not consuming. I hate it, but I still do it, so I guess I'm addicted? Can one get addicted in year and a half? I think I know the answer, but also how long does it take to "pickle" your brain? Making recovery even harder? I'm just really confused nowadays and don't know where to start, other than quitting entirely. I don't want any of the meds that they give for "alcoholic withdrawal syndrome", because partly I don't believe I have it. I just haven't been sober enough to realize it myself.

So any thoughts...I'm 20 right now and am noticing that I can't handle alcohol like I used too. Just wondering if any issues SHOULD be apparent by this stage of drinking, or can I quit without any other intervention? Besides my therapist which helps me deal with other things (she's awesome!).

EDIT: Here's a thread on another support forum regarding my issues with sleep apnea. I'm a pretty open guy and love honesty, so why not? The only things that work for me are good ol' belief, fath, and support, and a more whole approach to dealing with issues. (I'd post the link but I'm unable to, so I'll copy and paste my posts here). I like to rant alot.

"I was just on google searching for some info about osa and found this board. After having a sleep study in october i found out that I have this terrible illness. I've been having sleeping issues for the past 5 years and since then I've been through severe depression that transformed into this ball of anxiety merging on psychosis. Been on and off various antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and anti anxiety meds to help be "be normal" but hell it's hard when you're so exhausted all the time. I really hope that I don't have any permanent brain damage as I used to have straight A's in school and in like 6 months my cognitive functioning was so bad that I just fell into depression and dropped out.

blah, anyways enough with my rant, i'll be reading this board for some more info but i so hope that my brain will stabilize shortly. success stories related to psychological illnesses are appreciated (moreso not just depression since that's almost a walk in the park for me now lol...)"

"@ Linda. I just got home right now from my first sleep study with the cpap machine. The first hour was completely horrible and resulted in a panic attack, I just couldn't breathe with the apparatus on my face. After massaging some pressure points I managed to fall asleep for a couple hours only to be awoken by my own negative thoughts and anxiety. My heart was raging earlier tonight and I had chest pains which made me think I was having a heart attack. I started counting back from 1000 to focus my mind on something other than my own thoughts (which sucks because I think everyone is entitled to their own brain, I mean c'mon!) which slowed my heart rate down slightly. I'll be bringing the machine home in a couple weeks with the proper pressure and I'll go from there. To be quite honest I was more alert when the sleep tech came in at 6am to wake me, however my mind attributes that simply to being so anxious and alert.

@ Virginia. I might PM you shortly about your story as noone else had sleep apnea in the mental ward where I was at, so it was hard for them to relate. Thanks for caring.

@ Buddmar. My paragraph above is pretty much the same thing that you experienced. I was about to kill myself too, something which I'd never felt before in my life, and something that I will never, ever, ever forget. It'll linger with me forever (right now it seems). But alas I'm on the right track, I think anyways, or rather, I hope.

@ M2TM. I just read your blog and your story is incredible. Thank you for writing such a detailed and honest post about your problems, sincerely. We share many of the same issues regarding family, school, the ability to rationalize and understand what's going on without feeling any way to get out of it. I was discharged a month ago and have since done some stupid things regarding my meds. I totally agree with you on the fact that such mind altering drugs will in time create so much more blank, confused chaos, so I took myself off of the "happy tranquilizing narcotics" (after three years with Paxil, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Celexa, Seroquel, Ativan and Clonazepam running through my veins) with the idea that one should not live without feeling anything. The blank numbness I "feel" I cannot describe. It's like simply floating in space, away from planet earth without any way of getting back, with broken synapses of the past not being able to grow and heal themselves. I've been on Effexor myself and it's a nasty substance! I felt totally useless on it simply because it numbed everything to the point where I didn't care, and like I said before I don't think anyone should live unless they feel life around them. Just for you, since I'm gonna be needy and grab onto your story, I will share mine here.

At age 15 I was a pretty chipper, eccentric student with an unending passion for education. Education is something that I've always prided myself in; it basically defined me as a person back then. I was on the student council, chairman for the school band and orchestra, as well as involved in many clubs. I simply loved school, loved being around people and social, as well as the need to continue to develop my mind and self into one which I could call my own.

I gained a little bit of weight at that age and within 2 months my entire sleeping schedule shifted. I'd wake up gasping for air, however at such a young age I didn't understand what was going on. This then made me gain much more weight as I started to be totally lazy (gaining 50 pounds each year for 2 years). Like you I thought that I was just a weaker person then others. Such a thought can plague everything you do! I'd be talking with friends and I'd feel so inadequate at being tired all the time that I slowly, VERY SLOWLY, started to disassociate myself with people. My friends cared about me however I wasn't mature enough to really understand what was going on myself so I shoved them away wanting to deal with whatever was going on myself. That's when everything in my life started to shift. Weeks went by like days, then months started to feel like one long movie in which I couldn't play a part in. This severe disassociation with reality made me feel like such a separate entity that I started to see everything as a huge joke; life didn't feel real, therefore in my mind it wasn't real. Such delusion caused me to sit in my room, sometimes not leaving for weeks, lying to my mother about school: Yeah Mom, I'm doing alright. School went well today! Such lies weighed on my soul severely. Granted I had support from my teachers who allowed me to send it assignments via e-mail, which helped a few of my courses. It was basically this for the next 2 years. Myself, huddled and cramped in my room, not being able to think or concentrate for longer then an hour or two (like yourself) only to get frustrated and fall into bed. I managed to get some decent grades in the courses which I cared about (english, history, philosophy, politics/law) but everything else went to shambles.

That's when I started to really lose it. At age 17 I went to my doc to see about antidepressants (my family, excluding my mom, are all pill poppers so they thought that was the case). I trusted them to some extent so I allowed myself to get on the drugs. It's still hard to explain what exactly happened since I've been on various ones for 3 years now (I'm 20). Total uncoordinated confusion. I started to dismiss my previous life as merely a facade, myself a fraud, since I could realize to what extent I had fallen in every single aspect of my existence. I couldn't, and still somewhat can't, bear to open my eyes to see this world in which I used to play in and have now neglected. So I went totally ******* insane, using street drugs to cope with life (so cliche, but at that point I didn't give a s#!@, to be quite honest). Such crazy thoughts, unending spirals of anxiety, automatic responses and movements, I became a robot, a slave to my substances of choice (never-ending joints, bowls, whisky and other hard liquors, as well as binging on the benzo's that my doctor gave to me). Now, for me to fathom thinking that's how I was going to turn out at age 18/19 would be previously unthinkable.

Right now at age 20, after various psychiatrists, therapists, a visit to the mental ward, and going towards a severe addiction to harmful substances I feel I'm up against a huge wall of my own thoughts. My addictions to getting "f'd up" on any drug has now been resolved as I cannot stand being on any substance since I have a psychotic breakdown anytime I use. So this is where I am now, had a sleep study done in october, just had one earlier tonight, and am feeling somewhat...hopeful. It's hard to digest since in an hour I'll probably be back into my paranoid nerve-ridden hyper state, but I do believe there's a way out. I shouldn't even be writing this while in this current mindset either - I'm just at the bottom of the mountain finally able to see the monstrosity before me! There's still much to climb. Cliched, sure, but it's the way I feel. One good thing is that I just got accepted into a college program aimed at people with mental illness and addictions. This, coupled with my cpap therapy as well as any other form of cognitive therapy which I can get my hands on should get my a** moving in the direction in which I want to be in. I'm still very, very hard on myself, however I realize the dangerous outcome that such self torture inflicts and am now willing to part with it.

There, long post. Getting tired again so I'll sign off. I'm also feeling very outraged at the fact that I wrote this post since I can hardly remember anything that has happened in these past 5 years, so I might be missing out some crucial points, but I'll leave the absent contemplation for now and just keep what I "feel" here. Thanks again for your stories and support guys. Sincerely."

I can't talk with my family about this as they're just as screwed up as I am, so here I am! :ghug Now, I haven't stopped drinking like it says there, I just went on a huge binge and feel like garbage. So ya....=_=

HideorSeek

Hey Brentos, welcome to SR! You will find a lot of amazing people here willing to offer help 24/7.

There are a lot of opinions on what makes an alcoholic, how long it takes, etc. I think I am safe saying that most would agree that it doesn't matter how much you drink, nor for how long, but what happens when you do. If alcohol negatively affects your life (work, relationships, etc), then it is time for some soul searching. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms and duration vary with the individual. Again, I think most would agree on an honest discussion with your Dr.

But, that aside, sobriety is wonderful in many ways and a life smack in others. I can only speak for myself here. My life is infinitely better, but more difficult as well (mostly because I have had no experience in living life WITHOUT alcohol). But, I can't live any other way now. I have no choice. Any alcohol and I become a totally different person, unable to predict what I will do and say.

Good for you to ask yourself these questions while you are still young. I wish I had had your insight when I was your age. I would have saved myself and my loved ones, a lot of heartache.

So again, welcome to SR. Hang around and read and post. I know you will find an amazing support system here.

HideorSeek

Me, again! I posted b4 you edited your post, so now that I have read the 2nd part, I had a couple of more comments: First, CONGRATULATIONS on being accepted into college! That's fabulous!

I don't know anything about sleep apnea, nor drugs prescribed for mental issues, but there are other forums here which at least address substance abuse. So, poke around. I'm sure there are others who you will relate to, and to whom you can relate.

Most of all, congratulations for having the courage to open up here. Again, you will find the support incredible. I have looked at other forums and this one has a loyal core of caring, supportive people. Welcome to the fold!

Brentos

Thanks for such a fast response HideorSeek! Yeah, I'm gonna get my health in check and talk to my doc about my experience. It's been quite a while since I had a physical and I just want some more information. The thing with my doctor is...he loves pills...and I don't. I might need to find a new doc that is more health-oriented and not just wanting to further the drug market.

"Any alcohol and I become a totally different person, unable to predict what I will do and say. " This fits me to a T. I clash with my family all the time now, and I should know better seeing how alcohol and other drugs killed my dad. But that's my issue and I'll deal with it.

So there's no quickfast answer? I guess that's good. Leaves time for more depth and meaning, but still, alcohol and me SUCK. The lows are just way to low for me to handle sometimes.

HideorSeek

You sound like you a a very intelligent and thoughtful person. And only 20, no less, you should feel very proud!

I think you may be right about you Dr. But pills are part of our society's quick fix, make it better instantly, no problem, mentality.

Unfortunately, it is my experience that there is no quick fix for alcoholism. I personally drank for reasons: chiefly an inability to face and express my feelings and a fear of abandonment. There is a lot of stuff, but the longer I am sober, the more clear my underlying issues become. That's the bad news. You have to face a lot of stuff that alcohol buried. The good news is that it can be done and life becomes much better, more textured. It's not always good, but it is ALWAYS better. I'm stealing someone else's phrase that it is simple, but not easy. It is day to day and I try to live life like a raft handles water's swells. What works for me is less resistance, less control, and more faith. Oh, and a regular dose of humility, of being teachable keeps me from getting too cocky. Because this beast is a lurker and bites just when you think you've got all the answers.

cab31

Hi Brentos,

I am 22 years old and i was an alcoholic at 20. I only started drinking at 19.

You are never too young to be an alcoholic, and the family history you give sounds similar to mine.

An addiction professor once said to me, "all you need to develop an addiction is a brain and repeated use". That stuck in my head and made me feel like less of a freak that i was an alcoholic so young.

From the people i have met who also struggle with this, you will find that 99.9 per cent of them are not people you would stereotypically think of as alcoholics. These are intelligent, insightful, funny, warm, caring people. But alcohol is like an allergen to them. We are part of a group of people that only have the choice of picking up their first drink. Once we pick up that first one, our body goes crazy for more.

Having said this, i should emphasise that point that we have a choice of picking up that first drink. Its not easy but you have come to the right place.

Brentos

Wow...you're on the same page as me. An issue I'm having nowadays (partly because I'm so confused and angry all the time) are my social skills. I dunno if anyone here can notice that, but I just have a hard time being human sometimes, and there have been times when I thought I had all the answers, bogus. Thanks for a new quote for this current time of my life!

"Oh, and a regular dose of humility, of being teachable keeps me from getting too cocky. Because this beast is a lurker and bites just when you think you've got all the answers." Amazing. Actually I'm gonna go apologize to my mom right now for some stuff that went down today.

Brentos

Oh, and hey Cab. It's nice to see another young person here! Everyone I know is doing their own thing with alcohol and doing fine...but not me. Gah, it's a good thing to quit. Now is the time that I usually pick up that first drink, but let's see how this night goes without it.

cab31

Yeah it can be hard because so many of our peers are having no drama's with alcohol. But beleive me, some of them certainly will in years to come. Think of us youngsters as early starters. My friends sister was an alcoholic at 20 and she is now 23 years sober at 43!!!

CarolD

Welcome....

because of your other health issues ...I strongly suggest
you seek medical atention for your drinking.

Be both sober and safe...

Wolfchild

Welcome and keep coming back!!

If you have a drinking problem, maybe you should go to a few AA meetings and find out what you can do about it.

Brentos

I'm gonna check out an AA meeting. My pride tells me "hell no!" but I recognize that's a usual response for someone first starting treatment. I'll give it a shot, nothing wrong with gaining a better perspective and maybe it can...you know, actually help. I've seen it work for others in my family, and they were able to sustain a VERY happy and fulfilling life full of fun and meaning (and these people were drinking for like 20+ years daily, going on random binges, forgetting about family, bills, etc), but sadly none of them are around today. So you guys can be that support!

Thanks guys. I did have a bit to drink tonight just to really notice the affect it has on my body (yeah right, even I don't believe that). The first drink, like the first sip, just the taste gives me goosebumps and I get excited - SCARY! About an hour and a half after the first drink I'm just totally...I dunno how to express it, just empty as all hell. It seriously feels like the warnings of the band Alice in Chains, but yes, tomorrow is a new day, gonna make some phone calls.

Also, I've read here about nightmares. Does that have anything to do with alcohol or perhaps something else? Whenever I've binged, or just drank alot in a night, if I dream they're just...totally awkward, weird, and most of the time terrifying. Waking up isn't nice as it lingers with me for a good half hour before I'm awake.

HideorSeek

Hi Brentos!

I'm glad Cab chimed in here because he (she?) is your age and I'm an old fogey (well, relatively Anyways, Cab posted something in his thread about writing in his journal (sorry, Cab, if I have got your gender wrong..please enlighten me)..

" I always feel as though i have been tricked after those first few drinks because i never feel as good as what the addiction monster in my head said i would. In reality i upset people, i feel worse about myself, and i end up trying to chase it again and again - sure that the addiction monster will eventually be right."

And that is so true. I tend to think of alcohol as a "beast". Something separate from me. God only knows what that means psychologically, but it helps me fight it. I have been doing some writing about how CRITICAL it is, for me, to hang on to that realization that what alcohol promises and what it delivers are 2 different things. We always think it will offer us release (or whatever), but it really doesn't. You said the same thing yourself...after an hour and a half, feeling hollow or empty. Keep that thought close to you, the next time you are tempted to drink and REMEMBER that it will never change a situation (and may make it worse), and your feelings about any given thing post-drink will be the same (you can't run from your feelings forever...they'll be waiting for you) and will be compounded by your regret of having given in to the "beast". I have written before that I would love to "cure" my addiction and move on to other things, but the reality is that we have this for life. WHEN we choose to deal with it is the only option we have.

cab31

Hahaha i am actually female. (just so you know)!

I cant stress how important that memory of feeling empty after half an hour is. As alcoholics we keep chasing a euphoria that we experienced the very first time we drank. The reality is that we never experience it again. We are willing to trade everything in pursuit of that feeling.

I too wish it were possible to cure an addiction. In reality you learn to live with it. If it were possible to cure it you would see people having their 20 year AA anniversaries at the local pub! Whilst its depressing that you cant "cure it", going to AA meetings shows you just how happy people can be living with their addiction in remission. As soon as you are willing to recognise the POWER of this disease, you are on the right track to coping with it. It is a disease of physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and social nature.

Hang in there mate. If you are going to stop drinking today you might want to be very careful. Alcohol detox can be dangerous. I have had seizures coming off alcohol before. Take it easy.

:ghug

HideorSeek

Well, at least we cleared up THAT little detail Sorry about that Cab, LOL! I think you and I are on the same wavelength. It took me sooooooooooooooo long to realize some of these things. Good for you to recognize these truths so early in your life. I must be slow or something.

Something happened today that teed me off and my first REACTION was to want to drink. Then I realized, oh right, it doesn't even feel good anymore. I knew that I had to deal with my raw feelings and to be honest, that made me a little angry...knowing there is no escape. Oh well, that is life and I know that now. On my better days, I see this as a growth opportunity. On my bad ones, I feel a little depressed that there is no more avoidance for me.

BUT

I do know that I have chalked up one more victory over the "beast" and that will make me feel so much better tomorrow than a drink ever would have tonight.

You go girl!

cab31

Well at least you are dealing with them! And when we actually face something, its no where near as bad as what we anticipate. When i first stopped drinking, i suddenly realised how much better i felt by just facing some things. I think that its part of the addiction that we drink because we dont want to face something. In reality i kind of think we just use it as an excuse to drink. An addict will ALWAYS have a reason or an excuse.

I bet you feel a lot less stressed now that you have actually gotten through the problem rather than used it as a reason to zone out??

HideorSeek

The main thing I feel today is relief (and pride) that I didn't give in. The situation is still there (which it would have been anyway), but I haven't compounded it with remorse and physical h@#LL. I'll deal with the situation...it isn't the end of the world and I have this newfound belief that there are lessons I need to learn in every situation and I just need to pay attention in order to see them. My therapist has told me to focus not on the situation itself, but MY REACTION TO IT. That's where the work for me is. I thought that very sound advice and it helped me work through last night's blip.

Sooooooooooooo, onto another day and who knows what's in store for me? I hope yours goes (has gone) well!

*******Bentos*********, where are you and what is happening?????

Brentos

Oh my ******* god. I took 2 days off and had the realization that I need this substance. My ******* hell, ******* **** **** ****. I had a huge urge to drink tonight that I fell too. These past few days have been alright without a drink...but I've been using alot of weed, so I assume that helps my mood. But alas, soon as the weed ran out...back to the drink. I feel great now, but htat' sbecause the whisky bottle is still half full.

I dunno, all the energy that's involved in letting loose and allowing yourself to feel the stuff that I feel is just to much. You guys are great...really, just that "Brentos where are you" post made me post here. Great, you guys get to see my ugly side. My selfish, cold, and transparent beast side. The future seems so grim it's not even funny....I can't find humour in this anymore.

I haven't checked out an AA meeting, nor have I done anything to help myself but"not drink". My 21st bday party is coming up and everyone is game to get plastered. I dunno if I can connect and reunite with people (as the aims of this party is for) like I should....I'm gonna drive them away again, unless I drink and perhaps take some ativan. GAHHH

So let's play the optimist here? Perhaps I can just let go, but that'll result in an emotional metldown in my view. But, if people wanna have a good time I can't stop that, but where can I draw the line?!?!! Really now, this is ******. I had to have some evidence of my substance abuse, and now, just as my thoughts figured, it's here. K, time to start something. Really. Holy ****.

Tazman53

Brentos if what you say above is true, and you are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober then you sound like AA would work very well for you. Besides what you mentioned above I would suggest going to AA, be Honest, Open minded, and Willing!!

Many of the problems you presently have will with time improve or maybe even dissappear by simply not drinking! Early sobriety is a real bear and many mental things will get worse for a time before they get better, but the longer one goes without a drink the better things will get once they take a turn for the better. The hardest part is staying sober long enough for the good things to begin to happen.

Go to 3-4 meetings and see what you think, it sure will not harm you.

HideorSeek

"The hardest part is staying sober long enough for the good things to begin to happen." Tazman

I totally agree, Brentos! Give yourself a goal and then strive for it. The key for me, as Taz said, was to stay sober long enough to feel good about it (and you will, but it may take a little while). By using something like AA, you will be surrounded by people who understand the lonliness and "differentness" that you are feeling now and who will help you in the early days (AA is also good for the later days, too . One of the beauties about AA is that it is everywhere and at all times of the day and night. It isn't for everyone, I'll be the first to admit, but it has helped me personally. Can't hurt to give it a shot. It's not like a phone contract that you have to sign up for x odd years, but you may find that you want to. It's SR with faces!

Time enough later to integrate a sober lifestyle with your friends. There is wisdom in the phrase "first things first". Take it easy, take it slow and remain focused. If nothing else, stay here. We are all willing to help!