In my journal today i wrote....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Sydney
Posts: 29
In my journal today i wrote....
Over the past few months my recovery has gone up and down because i have let myself give in to the voices of the addiction monster in my head. Over the past week i have realised what i need to do to truely get back on track but i wanted to share what i wrote in my journal this morning:
"I was forced to remember how bad things really got today. I pulled out some things from a pocket of a coat i havent worn in 9 months. I was shocked by how strongly the memory made me feel. I remember feeling trapped in this never ending cycle of drinking and hiding away from life. I was chronically unreliable and always either passed out or sleeping. I was studying at university and god knows how i got through that. My priority in life was to get to the liquor store and ensure that i had enough alcohol to keep knocking myself out for the next day or so. I remember the frantic bus rides to the nearest liquor store, the two day hangovers, the fear that i would have another seizure from alcohol withdrawal."
"It is funny how my brain attempts to separate this from the idea of having one night of drinking. Where i automatically feel excited by the prospect of having those first few drinks. In reality i force myself to recall the disappointment of the times that i have tried this. I always feel as though i have been tricked after those first few drinks because i never feel as good as what the addiction monster in my head said i would. In reality i upset people, i feel worse about myself, and i end up trying to chase it again and again - sure that the addiction monster will eventually be right."
"all i can do is remember these feelings. Share these feelings, and listen to others. Because that is the only thing that truely allows me to look at the voices in my head with clarity."
I thank all of you for sharing your stories because they are what keeps me grounded and able to face my addiction demon with the true common sense and inner strength that it tries to smother. I hope this has helped someone out there stay sober for another day.
"I was forced to remember how bad things really got today. I pulled out some things from a pocket of a coat i havent worn in 9 months. I was shocked by how strongly the memory made me feel. I remember feeling trapped in this never ending cycle of drinking and hiding away from life. I was chronically unreliable and always either passed out or sleeping. I was studying at university and god knows how i got through that. My priority in life was to get to the liquor store and ensure that i had enough alcohol to keep knocking myself out for the next day or so. I remember the frantic bus rides to the nearest liquor store, the two day hangovers, the fear that i would have another seizure from alcohol withdrawal."
"It is funny how my brain attempts to separate this from the idea of having one night of drinking. Where i automatically feel excited by the prospect of having those first few drinks. In reality i force myself to recall the disappointment of the times that i have tried this. I always feel as though i have been tricked after those first few drinks because i never feel as good as what the addiction monster in my head said i would. In reality i upset people, i feel worse about myself, and i end up trying to chase it again and again - sure that the addiction monster will eventually be right."
"all i can do is remember these feelings. Share these feelings, and listen to others. Because that is the only thing that truely allows me to look at the voices in my head with clarity."
I thank all of you for sharing your stories because they are what keeps me grounded and able to face my addiction demon with the true common sense and inner strength that it tries to smother. I hope this has helped someone out there stay sober for another day.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 45
Thanks for your truth. You really put the right words together to describe that addiction monster that we all live with. Good luck you, and to all of us who are trying to do the best we can with what we have.
"When I changed the way I looked at things,
The things I looked at change".
"When I changed the way I looked at things,
The things I looked at change".
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Hi Cab! Nice post! i can really appreciate the part about being duped, time and again, by the promise of relief that never comes. What DOES come, is shame and guilt, an eroded self esteem, a sense of failure, of doom and desperation.
Sad, isn't it, that we repeat the drinking because we think, THIS TIME will be different and it never is.
Thank you for another day of sobriety and some thoughts to carry with me in the future.
Sad, isn't it, that we repeat the drinking because we think, THIS TIME will be different and it never is.
Thank you for another day of sobriety and some thoughts to carry with me in the future.
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