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lacking support from loved ones

Old 04-13-2009, 04:02 PM
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Unhappy lacking support from loved ones

Hi I'm new to soberRecovery, I've spent some time reading posts from other members and I'm really impressed with all the caring feedback each one of them recieves. So maybe I could get some feedback on this problem I'm having, if anyone decides to read this...

Well I am actually really new to the whole recovery process, I'm involved in NA, I love meetings and I go to as many as I can. I'll try to keep this short, but my addiction started when I was about 11 with pot and alcohol. And my mom was one of those parents who always said she would rather me do my drugs at home rather than out on the streets. Of course I thought that was awesome, at the time.
By the time I was 16 she was giving me methadone daily.. She has been in methadone treatment since I was 5. And this went on for many years. I was also doing a variety of other drugs as well. But I got to really need the methadone everyday. And I got it free, how lucky was I??????:

I got clean while I was pregnant, and it was with no help or support. Of course I got right back into my old ways once my daughter was born. She's now 2 and I feel enough is enough, I want to stop this cycle before it reaches my child. Anyway, my mom is still on methadone and benzos. And since she found out I'm in recovery every time we see each other, its a fight. She says the meanest things to me, such as: I'm selfish and I'm pushing the family away, I better start making amends, that I'm cold-hearted, I don't care about anyone but myself and my new druggie family (my new NA friends). She says I hate her and I'm making my daughter hate her too. And these are just a few things she says to me. I admit I can lose my cool and say some not so nice things in return. I'm not perfect by a long shot.
I do want my daughter to have her grandma in her life, but she's not the best influence, and I find it too painful to go through this over and over again. I really need people who support me during this time. I'm trying recovery for the first time and I want to succeed so bad. I know my mom is sick she is also manic depressiive. But I'm just stuck. My husband thinks its best to keep my distance and only see her for holidays etc..
Sorry for whining but if anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it.
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Old 04-13-2009, 04:08 PM
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Hello, acehood. Welcome to SR.

I really wish I had some advice for you. Hang in there because more people will read your post who will be better able to respond. Welcome again.
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Old 04-13-2009, 04:15 PM
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I am so sorry you are having a difficult time with your Mom while you are trying to get clean. I think it might help you to remember that she is still in the grips of addiction, and we are not our normal selves when we are using. Having said that, I agree with your husband. Your daughter, and YOU also, don't need to be around anyone who is high, even if it is your Mom. Tell your Mom that you love her, but your sobriety is the most important thing to you. If you are not clean and sober, you can't even be a good Mom to your baby girl! Congratulations for coming into recovery, despite the circumstances. You might have to love your Mom from a distance until she gets clean herself, and know that it may never happen. Don't feel guilty for wanting a better life for yourself, your daughter and husband.



Cathy
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Old 04-13-2009, 04:18 PM
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I hope that your mother can find her way to recovery, and maybe, at that time, she will be able to mend fences with you. But, for now, I agree that you should not see her. For me, I don't think it's good for you or your child to be hearing things like that. As Surly said, it doesn't mean you don't love her, but it means that you love yourself enough to take care of yourself and your child.
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Old 04-13-2009, 04:28 PM
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Second what surlyredhead said: your mom is toxic for you because she is still addicted.

Bless your heart, I know what it means to want normal parents but not have them. Both my parents were alcoholics. I always wanted parents like I saw on TV, but, nep, didn't happen.

Focus on you and your recovery. Put mom on hold because she is not helping.

And, as you travel this journey in your recovery, you may find that lots of anger will well up inside you regarding your mother. It sounds like she has been very destructive in your life and has caused you a lot of pain.
I would suggest finding a therapy outlet during this period of your recovery. Having someone to talk to has been a life-saver for me. When I started in my recovery, I went quickly back to my childhood and all of that crap. It's crucial to have a hand to hold onto when you go on that childhood-evaluation recovery ride. It's not easy.

Congratulations on getting clean and starting your recovery, and, welcome to SR!
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Old 04-13-2009, 04:35 PM
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That's not good and you should definitely stay away and concentrate on yourself! My situation is different but i am keeping as far away from family as possible at the moment, it is hard enough to stay sober without all their crap on top too!
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Old 04-13-2009, 05:02 PM
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Thank you so much, you really gave me great advice on this. Your words really made me feel better. I can't tell you how much it means to me. Thanks a million
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Old 04-13-2009, 05:14 PM
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It must be really difficult for you to be on this journey without the support of someone that has been a key person in your life. Having said that, you are a strong person - and you have proved that by being willing to face the addiction you have. You can do this without the support of your mother because you have everything to live for. As a mother yourself you can provide for your daughter what wasnt provided for you - a drug free home environment. It sounds like you have a great husband who is supporting you and you are doing all the right things by reaching out to others for support - NA, this forum etc. I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing more of your journey!
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Old 04-13-2009, 05:18 PM
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My prayers are with you Acehood.

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Old 04-13-2009, 10:04 PM
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Welcome and keep coming back!!

What your going through does sound painful. With the help of a sponsor, a support group of friends in recovery, and sharing at meetings; you can handle even the most difficult situations and stay clean each day.
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Old 04-13-2009, 10:18 PM
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Welcome! I am so glad you came here to SR. Keep coming back!
As for your Mother, there is nothing you can do. My problems were similar to yours. I started tooting coke when I was 12, smoking pot, hitting acid, and drinking until I got pregnant at age 15, by my dealer boyfriend. Yeah, I got my drugs free too. I thought it was THE LIFE!
Once pregnant, I quit, cold turkey. Almost 17 years, no drugs. I drank sometimes, when both of my children were older. A beer with my burger and fries, or a strawberry daiquiri with my nicer dinners. A wine cooler with my friends. Nothing more.
Until my eldest turned 16 (he's now 18! I threw away 2 years of life with him, UGH!). Then I met this man, through a mutual friend. Our friend said he needed a woman to look after him. I was ready for that role by golly. With my ex, we'd get drunk all the time. Then, one night, in his bedroom, I caught him smoking crack. I went ballistic. I asked how could he do such an awful, awful drug. Didn't he know how addictive it was? How expensive it was? How it could kill him? He said he only did it once in a while, to party. I didn't know any better, but I was not that naive. There was NO party. He was ALONE, in his bedroom, trying to hide from me. I knew the signs. I tried to ignore it at first. Then I tried to "fix him or help him fix himself". Each time, he'd get mad, settle down, and offer it for me to try it and see how I like it. Eventually, you know what happened? I tried it. And the rest was history.
I am in the NA too. You DO have a family there. You will have one here too. You already know you cannot control your mom, but you also know she is not good for your daughter while in her active addiction either.
My mother is bipolar. Sometimes it is too much for me to be around her. I want to use in order to deal with her and all the medications she is on, but I am grateful for her. She's, sometimes almost to the point of insanity (she actually cashed in one of her annuities and told me she'd keep it in the house, in a suitcase- 6 figures we're talking here- and I asked her if she had a large life insurance policy on me or something because leaving that much money in the house would be way more temptation than I could stand, as I live with her and she took my advice and put it in the bank!).
Anyway, WELCOME to SR. Your mom will, hopefully, see how much better your life is becoming by staying clean! Maybe she will come around and want what you have! Just pray for her and keep coming back!
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Old 04-13-2009, 11:59 PM
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Thanks everyone for all the stories and advice. It seems most agree that I should try to
just loving my mom from a distance. This is what I felt in my heart was the best thing to do for myself and my family.
She has been calling me begging me to give her another chance with my daughter. I was letting her babysit for a while when I first started going to NA meetings.
But then I decided it would be better to just bring my girl with me than to leave her with someone who really taught me to be an addict. Not blaming I'm just saying.... you know?

The story is much more complicated than I'd like to get into here. Long story short,
My family is a bunch of addicted women, my grandma, my aunt, my mom and me.
And they are all really tight. When theres problems they all get involved. Right now
my aunt is trying to guilt me into a relationship with my mom by. She tells me "your mom won't be around forever and I don't want you to have any regrets", and "this tension between you two is tearing the family apart", and "don't punish her by not letting her see (my daughter)". My whole family is sick and so are all the relationships in it.

I need to find the right words that won't cause more problems, to tell them that I just need to do what I feel is right and fair to me and my family now. I can't do things to make them happy anymore. That doesn't get us anything but hurt.

Anyway, thanks everyone from the bottom of my heart. And I love this online support community. Its just what I needed at the point I'm in in my recovery and in my life. I really love you all and wish everyone the best in their recovery and their lives.
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Old 04-14-2009, 12:59 AM
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Hi acehood ,

It's nothing new from me .
Read every single post above again , please . They are great .
Di it for me , please .
warmly , witt
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Old 04-14-2009, 01:45 AM
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Acehood: I divide my concept of family into two parts. There was my two alcoholic parents and all the emotional numbers they pulled on me, including physical violence, the recipients being myself and my three brothers. Then there is all the crap my three active alcoholic brothers keep pulling on me, like: "I need money, send it right away". Despite the fact that I am 10 years younger than my alcoholic brothers, they keep trying to use me and keep playing me for money.

And there is "MY" family. This is the family I started with the determination that I would not do to them what was done to me substance-abuse wise.

This is my husband and my two sons. I brought that toxic mix into "MY" family when I turned into exactly what I didn't want to be: an alcoholic. Maybe I wasn't abusive, or violent like my parents, but in my case it turned into: "mom's not home today"....I wasn't there. I didn't abuse my family, I just fled. I ran away and wasn't there for them.

I just went through a weekend of hell because my husband was actively trying to sabotage my sobriety: waving bottles of wine and flutes of champagne in my face and telling me how good the wine tasted with the meal. We have a locked liquor cabinet, (I locked it up) and he unlocked it last night and just walked away, sort of like saying: come on: try it, maybe it won't be so bad this time.

thank goodness I have a little angel of a therapist in my sobriety because when I told her last week that I thought my husband was trying to sabotage my sobriety, she pointed out that maybe it wasn't deliberate and maybe he was doing it sub-consciously.
It doesn't sound like your clan is doing this very sub-consciously or in a subtle manner either.
This is what my therapist told me: get away, if you have to. I heard about a 12-step Sunday service that someone told me about in AA: and I think I am going to go this coming Sunday. (I didn't know about it until last week)...I am usually just about hanging on by my fingernails by Sunday afternoon what with all my husband's sabotaging, so I know I need that meeting.
Get going, and get away from the sabotaging. We have to do it honey to take care of ourselves.
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Old 04-14-2009, 04:13 AM
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Acehood I would highly reccommend you check out the NA equivelant of Alanon, also go to Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information They can help you to establish what they call boundaries with your family.

I am an alcoholic and in AA, there are a lot of AA folks that go to Alanon as well to learn how to deal with friends and family who are alcoholics.

In regards to your staying clean, it sounds as though you have the support of your husband and trust me, your daughter as well, keep going to the NA meetings and if there is a lack of them in your area go to Open AA meetings to fill in the gaps. I can tell you for me the key to my sobriety has been getting a sponsor and taking the steps along with meetings and helping other alcoholics. My experience is that getting a sponsor and taking the steps is the primary key.
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Old 04-14-2009, 10:48 AM
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Acehood,

I didn't read all of the posts so if I'm repeating something already said, I'm sorry. My first thought after reading your post is to tell you that your Mom is not angry with you, she is angry at herself because she has not been able to do what you are doing, hopefully someday she will.

Secondly, you are a Mother now and you have the responsibility to ensure that your child is sheltered from this type of life and to nurture her and care for her. Your Husband is right, you should limit any contact with your Mother for both yourself and your child's sake. Make it clear to your Mom why you are doing this, it may be the push she needs to clean up her own act.

Make your sobriety priority one in your life, you have two lives depending on it now.

Wishing you miles of smiles,

John
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