CoDieNOmore

I posted a lot of the information in the whine forum but I'm needing some more direct feedback....


My bf's ex plays games and I don't know if he just falls for them or is a player also. She always makes a excuse to talk with him when she knows I'm with him.. This past weekend it was that she wanted there son to come home early because of dinner plans. No big deal.. It was easter.
But instead of going to dinner my bf and her talked for a couple of hours. He said that he never went in the house. He just stood in the doorway.. He did not answer his phone because he left it in the car. He has never answered my calls when he is with her. But has no problem taking her calls when he is with me. Just a few weeks ago she told him she wanted him back... She always tries to make him jealous with her new bf.. So forth and so on....
I still don't understand how my bf can shoot the breeze for 2 hours with the ex that told ppl he raped her, he is a child molester,(not a bit of truth in those statements) uses the kid when she does not get what she wants... My fear is he just is not done with her and after all that, I don't know what it would take for him to be done....

Of course it does not help that I'm working on my 4th step... (bring up painful issues and looking at unhealthy patterns)
I'm in the middle of treatment that causes depression.....
And I'm still very new at not smoking....
I went from 42 mg patches of nicotine to 10 mg in less then three weeks....
My feelings are seriously on my sleeve and I'm having a hard time with what warrants the high emotional reaction and what is just a overreaction due to the other things that is going on with me.... Of corse the bf just says I'm overreacting but says nothing about if he is really done with her or not....


I will end this on a positive note
My 2nd grandson was born on easter!!!!

GingerM

So he takes her calls at all hours, but won't take your calls when he's with her? And when you tell him (using whatever words you're using) that this raises some red flags in you, he responds by saying you're over reacting?

Every fiber of my being would run (not walk) away from this scenario. He is not being transparent about his relationship with her (or he would take your calls). As soon as one partner starts hiding things from the other, something is seriously amiss. Of course, he doesn't want you to think that, and being who you are, coming from where you're coming from, you probably easily buy the whole "there's nothing wrong, it's you that's the problem" line.

It's not you. You are not over reacting. Your partner is exhibiting highly suspicious behaviors, and when you confront him with said behaviors, he tells you to "pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." And you ....do? don't?

What do you do? I can only speak for myself - I would ditch him in the nearest available receptacle, and never look back. There is no point to continuing a relationship when you can't trust the person you're with (that holds for all relationships in my opinion, not just romantic ones).

shoregirl

Congrats on your grandson thats great news !!

Honestly, I don't know what to advise you on with your bf. Of course, he does need to speak with her as they share a child together, but if their conversations and his concern extends beyond that of their child then my guess is that some feelings are still there (though to your point I have no idea why).

My advice (and I am bad at giving advice to warn you), is to not get on his case too much about the episode of his talking with her for two hours. Let him know you are hurt and that it makes absolutely no sense to you as to WHY he lets into his life like this, but stop there. It sounds like your bf won't admit to having any feelings there even if he has them, so the effort in pressing it is futile and may hurt your relationship. You are a better person than she is and are better for him, he probably knows this but he doesn't want to admit to being weak in being able to handle her or completely let go.

I would do is not worry too much about the ex, but focus on your relationship and more importantly YOURSELF. Tell him that if he can talk with her for two hours then he has time to give you a 30 minute back or foot massage :-) Do something nice for yourself (read something fun, go for a nice walk, etc..) -- you're kicking butt (literally and figuratively) !!

If over the course of time, the bf consistently continues to allow increasing interactions with his ex that interfere in your relationship and his life b/c he can't break her spell--than well, you can do better than that !!!

Remember it is better to be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong. All relationships take work, but there is a point when they aren't worth it.

shoregirl

I apologize in reading further - it does sound like his behavior was more than a one time incident. Again, I wouldn't harp too much on the one incident, but if this is really a consistent and interfering pattern than I would consider whether the relationship is healthy.

Again, the focus should be on YOU and what you need right now and if you aren't getting the support you need from the relationship you are in than you are better off alone.

I am sorry you are going through this.

CoDieNOmore

I did not really let him respond last night because I was so upset that I would have not been able to hear him and I did not want to say something I did not mean. I told him that I needed to emotionally decompress and that I would talk to him later. Then hung up... He called back a few hours later and I still was not ready to talk. I did say that I thought he was not done with her and I could not wrap my mind around the fact that he is willing to be so friendly with someone that will go to ANY lengths to hurt him if he does not do what she wants. There 8 year old has two cell phones because she would not let him call the boy on her phone..... She called the police on him a few weeks back stating he was threatening her... This was after she told him she still loved him and wanted him back. So forth and so on....
I did email him this morning to say that I was sorry for the way I handled it and that I might have overreacted. But I still made the points of how could he have anything to say to someone like that??? That maybe he is just not done with her and so forth and so on. His only response to them is that I hurt his feelings by not talking with him and that I was blowing him off. ( when I broke up with him before I did not answer the phone or emails.. I think that is blowing someone off) That it's hard to deal with my overreactions. He said nothing about the points I brought up in not one email but two of them. I have no problem cleaning my side of the street and I do know that my emotions are on my sleeve right now... but he has made no attempt to look at his part. And wonderful CoDie me starts to buy in the fact that maybe it's all me... Maybe I'm just whacked....

CoDieNOmore

I think your right about him not wanting to tell me that he still has feelings for her and is having a problem with letting the relationship go. I also thinks he knows in his head that I'm the better choice. What he is not seeing is that he does not have to tell me those things. His actions are specking on the subject. My last email I kinda hit home the idea that if he is not truly done with her then we really don't have a chance right now. I said that one can't move on and have a healthy relationship when they are still holding on the past one. I also said that I fond it interesting that the only point he comments about is my overreaction and the fact that I would not talk about it over the phone. She has kinda been a on going issue. I spoke with him about setting healthy boundaries with her two weeks ago. I know that he or I can't control what she does but we do have control how we react to her. He has not responded to the last email......

GiveLove

Kendra, I'm going to say this since you asked for opinions. But please take it with a grain of salt - it's just my opinion.

I'm 47, and my days of being treated with that kind of disrespect are over.

Two hour phone calls with the ex? Continuing to have an intimate friendship with her even though she has recently expressed that she loved him? Telling you that, basically, your feelings on the topic don't mean sh*t? Turning it around so it sounds like there's something wrong with YOU?

You are in a relationship with a man who is treating you with extreme disrespect and is maintaining a very unhealthy relationship with a very unhealthy woman.

If this is not okay with you, I'd suggest you take a break from this relationship and get your bearings. There are ALL kinds of red flags flapping here, and honestly, unless you're a lot more masochistic than I am, you need this kind of treatment like you need a hole in the head.

He is not the last man on earth, and your happiness does not - should not - depend on him. You might look at this as an opportunity to flex your muscles and gain trust in yourself. You ARE strong enough to make the choices that honor you, no matter what he does or doesn't do.

CoDieNOmore

Thanks Give... You always have such insightful comments. He still has not responded to my last email and to tell the truth... I think it would just be easier if he just does not call or write. Our relationship has had issues from the start. A lot of them were mine but I seem to be the only one working on them. Even he said that I seemed happier before we got back together.
I need to work on why I think I need a relationship....
Why I try so hard on a relationship that has so many different issues....
Why I feel my partners happiness is more important then my own....
Why I think my partners needs are more important then my own....

O Joy, so much work ahead of me....

CoDieNOmore

I spoke with him this morning... I walked away from that conversation feeling like I'm just full of issues and over emotional. He said that I have not forgiven him for sleeping with her back in August. I have forgiven but I can't forget. He stated that he needs to maintain good relations with her so he can see the kid. I understand that. I guess we have to different ideas on how to do that. I don't think one has to catch the other person up on the details of your life for a couple of hours. When ever he shares with her about personal issues she will talk about them in a open chat forum. It was only a few weeks ago she wanted him back. I told him that she brings up fear and insecurity within me. I told him that he did not take my feelings into consideration when he was hanging out. He said his kid comes first. Now, I really get that, but again what does that have to do with what is going on? This is not the only issue in our relationship. I have a big problem with communicating about hard issues. I have a painful sexual history. He is a sex addict and likes to hear the details of my past. I was going there with him in order to please him. I would be left feeling empty and would just relive my past mistakes. It took a while for me to bring this up... When I did we decided not to do that anymore. Well it kinda slipped back in to that. I'm such a people pleaser that I would just allow it to happen again. If he could not.... you know.. I would feel like something is wrong with me. Now in my head I know that those are his issues but in my heart I felt like I failed him. I would bring up the issue again and it would be ok. But he would joke about it later stating that he would not wanna do anything that made me feel bad about myself. I am left feeling like I'm the one whacked. Maybe so.. I'm tiered of feeling insecure and full of fear. I have noticed that my emotions would kinda take a dive when I was around him.
But here I am, wondering if I overreacted...
Maybe I just made a huge mistake breaking up with him....
I'm in so much pain over all this.....

Freedom1990

My honest opinion? You need a lot more self-work and that is not a bad thing, my dear. That is the most precious gift we can give ourselves.

The dude's a loser.

You deserve better. :ghug :ghug

GingerM

The only person in this world who will look out for your needs, indeed, who can look out for your needs at all times? You. You're it. Your boyfriend won't - even if you met the "perfect guy" (who don't exist), he would be busy making sure his needs are met, you would, as is right, come second to himself.

So when you're going through each of these conversations/emails with him, you might want to ask yourself "what need of mine am I meeting?"

Perhaps you have a need to be a victim. In which case, continuing the relationship with this man will fill that need. Perhaps you have a need to "parent" people. Again, this relationship will fill that. Neither of those needs are healthy. But for the present, it's possible that if you only go so far as to identify what need is being met by your current behavior, you may unlock many other avenues of thought (such as "is this a healthy need" or "is he meeting my needs").

Just a thought.

guiab

Kendra,
I can't add anything to the above. Great advice. 100% Spot on. Wicked good.

Except to say,

CONGRATULATIONS

for the new g-kid.
Yeahhhh.8

Lynxster

He's a "sex addict", he doesn't answer his phone when he visits her, she recently has said she wants him back, they hooked up last August after you and he started dating....did I leave anything out?

Do you really believe he stopped at the doorway?

Best wishes, Lynx

CoDieNOmore

Thanks for the great feedback. I went to a ACoA meeting tonight and the topic was trust. It really hit home. I don't trust him..... I don't even trust myself right now. The emotions are starting to calm down some and my train of thought is getting better. I know I made the right decision but knowing that does not lesson the pain.
The relationship was no longer for-filling any of my needs. The relationship did chase me back in to recovery and I have learned some very helpful things. And I still love him but it's not a healthy relationship.

GingerM

Kendra, after all the fairly brusque things I said above, now I have a few words of comfort. It is perfectly okay to love someone whom you can't have a healthy relationship with. The man I was engaged to before I met my husband? We split up 16 years ago - I have no idea where he is now (last I heard he'd been living in a 17 foot motor home in his ex-wife's back yard with no running water or electricity, but that house burned down and I haven't heard anything in about 10 years).

I still love him. I think I always will love him. But I won't have him in my life - I am not the person I was then, and I don't need toxic people anymore. He was extraordinarily toxic to me.

Give yourself permission to love. Then give yourself permission to take care of your own needs. It may be that the two don't meet at a nice neat little spot in the middle - they may have to exist independently of each other - but that doesn't mean you can't do both.

CoDieNOmore

:rotfxko
That statement made me laugh.. and I thought, WOW... where is this guy? He sounds like he is right up my alley.

More on a serious note... I really want to thank you for your feedback. Many of you just seem to know when I need a direct PUSH in the healthy direction and when I need some warm fuzzies..
How do you'all do that????

GingerM

LOL, we know it because we remember ourselves when we were at that same point in our own recovery. Sometimes a gentle tap is needed, and sometimes a velvet hammer is more what's called for. And sometimes we need someone to just smack us with a trout or take us by the shoulders and shake us really hard and say What on Earth are You Thinking?!

At least that's the way it was for me. Thankfully, I had very good therapists. One of my therapists used to ask me "how do YOU participate in this?" It was her way of saying "nothing happens to you unless you let it, so how are you allowing it to happen?" I still ask myself that question at times.

And yeah - the fiance before I met my now husband (whom I didn't marry)? I can look back now and think "there but for the grace of god go I" (a friend of mine is the captain of the fire department who responded to the house burning down - the cops were there and told the fire department to let the structure burn but keep it from spreading because the house was a known meth lab), but at the time, I was absolutely crushed and didn't think I'd ever be able to love again.

Now I know that I can love someone and still be completely incompatible with the person. I also know that I can be compatible with someone and neither love nor respect them. The heart is funny that way.

GiveLove

Ginger is such a wise being

Kendra, you say you don't trust yourself, but let me tell you how it looks from this perspective:

You recognized a situation that was damaging and hurtful to you, and you did something about. Yeah, it hurts - it's supposed to hurt to break habits you've established - but it's like the pain of having surgery for cancer. It's gonna hurt, but then you're going to be far stronger.

That doesn't sound like someone who shouldn't trust herself.

It sounds like someone who should.

I was with a sex addict too. I remember all of the suffering that brought me. I remember the two-hour phone calls with his ex, with whom he "had to maintain friendly ties." I remember all of the doubting, all of the self-esteem issues, all of the pain this brought me. I remember the horror of finding out what he did while I wasn't around - all the lies I already sensed in my gut.

And you know what happened when I got that person out of my life and (eventually) out of my system?

Life got approximately a thousand times better. I had not realized that I'd been dragging the psychic stress of all of that suffering around behind me.

There's this movie called The Mission, with Robert DeNiro. Seen it? There's a scene where he has to do penance by climbing up this huge waterfall dragging a rope sack filled with weights - chunks of metal, armor, stones - bigger than he is. Dragging it, step by awful step, slipping back, falling, getting up, climbing again. And when he finally gets to the top, dirty, exhausted, battered, they take a knife and cut the rope, freeing him from the weight.

THAT'S what it felt like.

I know it hurts. But underneath your pain is a woman who knows that this relationship is a lovely weight you've been dragging, and who wants something better, truer, safer, and more loving.

It's out here.

Hang in there, 'kay?