Prayers, healing thoughts, requests to the Universe
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Prayers, healing thoughts, requests to the Universe
Hello, friends.
I do not know what to do.
Perhaps I ought do nothing.
My STBXAH called me late last night, crying and scared. He told me that he had been drinking for 3 solid days and that his breathalyzer was currently reading 0.38. He was ill and alone. and he said he was afraid that he was going to die. He doesn't trust himself not to drink - anytime he has a stretch of time he buys enough alcohol to fill it. He pleaded with me not to move away next month - he claims our son is the only thing that keeps him from drinking on a daily basis.
I'm moving. It's non-negotiable, and I told him this. I told him that he is the only one in charge of whether he drinks on a daily basis. I told him to look at his meeting list and gets his butt moving - to talk to someone who's figured out how to stay sober.
I know that his problem is not my problem. I got off the phone with him, said a quick prayer, and promptly fell asleep. I am no longer his wife, and I moved out and filed for divorce so that I wouldn't have to be front and center for the emotional turmoil of his downward slide. Still, today, I am genuinely concerned for his mental health.
He kept saying he was afraid that he'd kill himself (accidentally via alcohol poisoning), and I heard these recurring elements of hopelessness and defeat in his speech last night. He has an appointment later this week to amend his will, and he said that he was afraid that he wouldn't make it. I don't think these are good omens.
For the first time, I am beginning to wonder if he will survive this disease.
My mind is filled with the serenity prayer, and I am asking my HP to align my will with His. Still, there is a part of my mind that runs off screaming in the "tell his doctor, tell his mother, tell his brother, tell his sister, tell his friends" direction.
He takes such pains to portray a nice, well-put-together-image, I wonder about talking to friends and family about his current condition. I do not think they know the current extent of the problem. They are unaware if he is in danger. I cannot help him personally, but do I owe some form of aid? A mental health clinic call? A note to his mom?
I've come a long way in that today, the first voice in my head screams "HANDS OFF THE ALCOHOLIC!" instead of "HELP HIM - IT'S WHAT GOOD PEOPLE DO!"
But, I wonder, ought I do more than pray? Is acceptance appropriate here or has the time come for some action?
Please keep my family in your thoughts/prayers today, as I wait for wisdom and courage. Thanks.
-TC
I do not know what to do.
Perhaps I ought do nothing.
My STBXAH called me late last night, crying and scared. He told me that he had been drinking for 3 solid days and that his breathalyzer was currently reading 0.38. He was ill and alone. and he said he was afraid that he was going to die. He doesn't trust himself not to drink - anytime he has a stretch of time he buys enough alcohol to fill it. He pleaded with me not to move away next month - he claims our son is the only thing that keeps him from drinking on a daily basis.
I'm moving. It's non-negotiable, and I told him this. I told him that he is the only one in charge of whether he drinks on a daily basis. I told him to look at his meeting list and gets his butt moving - to talk to someone who's figured out how to stay sober.
I know that his problem is not my problem. I got off the phone with him, said a quick prayer, and promptly fell asleep. I am no longer his wife, and I moved out and filed for divorce so that I wouldn't have to be front and center for the emotional turmoil of his downward slide. Still, today, I am genuinely concerned for his mental health.
He kept saying he was afraid that he'd kill himself (accidentally via alcohol poisoning), and I heard these recurring elements of hopelessness and defeat in his speech last night. He has an appointment later this week to amend his will, and he said that he was afraid that he wouldn't make it. I don't think these are good omens.
For the first time, I am beginning to wonder if he will survive this disease.
My mind is filled with the serenity prayer, and I am asking my HP to align my will with His. Still, there is a part of my mind that runs off screaming in the "tell his doctor, tell his mother, tell his brother, tell his sister, tell his friends" direction.
He takes such pains to portray a nice, well-put-together-image, I wonder about talking to friends and family about his current condition. I do not think they know the current extent of the problem. They are unaware if he is in danger. I cannot help him personally, but do I owe some form of aid? A mental health clinic call? A note to his mom?
I've come a long way in that today, the first voice in my head screams "HANDS OFF THE ALCOHOLIC!" instead of "HELP HIM - IT'S WHAT GOOD PEOPLE DO!"
But, I wonder, ought I do more than pray? Is acceptance appropriate here or has the time come for some action?
Please keep my family in your thoughts/prayers today, as I wait for wisdom and courage. Thanks.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Please keep my family in your thoughts/prayers today, as I wait for wisdom and courage.
(((ToughChoices)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
As long as he can get YOU to engage, he need not go to other recovering alcoholics to admit his powerlessness and ask for their expertise.
He is testing to see if THIS option (you engaging) is removed from his repertoire, or not.
Clearly, he is lucid enough and capable enough to reach out. It's just that his choice is you, at present. If your help could fix him, it would have already happened.
I sat in an open AA meeting yesterday and heard not one, but three people speak of being alone, despondent, and with a loaded gun in their mouth and their finger on the trigger. Their higher power pulled them back, but first had to take them to that place, where they became willing to do the things they needed to do, to get sober. They had to be taken to the forsaken place, where they had to face themselves, all alone, and make that decision. All three admitted this, that nothing short of that had worked.
CLMI
He is testing to see if THIS option (you engaging) is removed from his repertoire, or not.
Clearly, he is lucid enough and capable enough to reach out. It's just that his choice is you, at present. If your help could fix him, it would have already happened.
I sat in an open AA meeting yesterday and heard not one, but three people speak of being alone, despondent, and with a loaded gun in their mouth and their finger on the trigger. Their higher power pulled them back, but first had to take them to that place, where they became willing to do the things they needed to do, to get sober. They had to be taken to the forsaken place, where they had to face themselves, all alone, and make that decision. All three admitted this, that nothing short of that had worked.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
tc - i always respect what you write - you have such strength - maybe your soon to be ex has finally become sick and tired of being sick and tired?
could you just offer to take him to a rehab facility?
good luck...
s
could you just offer to take him to a rehab facility?
good luck...
s
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I remember a while back when the A I was with (not drinking but still with isssues) opened to me and said he wanted to make a change. He opened up to another and said the same thing. I stayed full of hope. It didn't happen. Once I was back in the melee the good intentions stopped. The road to hell is paved with them.
I am hoping you find clarity, strength and hope to get through this. I hope he finds a way through. :ghug
I am hoping you find clarity, strength and hope to get through this. I hope he finds a way through. :ghug
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by itiswhatitis... 
could you just offer to take him to a rehab facility?
L
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
TC.....your post saddens me. You and your family are in my prayers. As much as I want to rant and rave about all of the pain my STBXAH has caused me, it reminds me that this alcoholism we are coping with is a horrible disease that has stolen so much from us all.
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Originally Posted by catlovermi
Clearly, he is lucid enough and capable enough to reach out. It's just that his choice is you, at present. If your help could fix him, it would have already happened.
While I certainly engage FAR less than in my past (married, madly-in-love with an alcoholic) life, I am still tempted to help. In this circumstance, I certainly do not think that I can save the day, but I also want to temper my newly-honed laissez-faire attitude with a healthy dose of compassion and concern for an alcoholic who is clearly suffering.
But, I historically gussy up my codependency as "compassion and concern." Best to remember that I cannot fix him. I cannot save him from himself. I know this, but I also know that something in me will feel a certain amount of guilt if a negative outcome occurs and I did not take action.
Maybe I should focus on my desire to avoid guilt here. It seems an indication that I am trying to predict and control the future instead of just accepting and adjusting.
Here is my reminder: I am not his only hope. He has an old sponsor and friends and family and AA. He knows this. If he does not choose to avail himself of these options, then I must accept his (tragic) choice. I am not to blame for that choice.
I listened with love and told Peter to go to a meeting.
I will comfort my son if he misses his father.
This is all I can do.
It is enough.
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Originally Posted by itiswhatitis...
could you just offer to take him to a rehab facility?
He completed a month-long in-patient rehab stint last year and began drinking again very soon after that. He has said repeatedly that it didn't work for him.
Still - if he is sincere in his fear of continued drinking, I would think that a structured environment would be a welcome option.
Thank you for this thought.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
tc-
i was in a similar situation with my ABF in the past, two months after i last left him. i received a call from the hospital, saying that he was bleeding and hemmoraging from the nose from excessive drinking. apparently, he had drank solid since we split.
my heart went out to him and i took him back into my home and monitored his bleeding (which went on for 10 days) and nursed him back to health with the help of one good doctor.
you know what happened next? i'm sure you do. he went back to drinking. that was two years ago and right now, he's in jail for assaulting me and a friend.
it's so hard to watch them suffer but we both know that when you help them, they just go back to the drink eventually and nothing changes, unless they get serious about their recovery.
if yours can call you, he can call his family, AA or other support. he is calling YOU because he wants your enabling back.
anyway, i took mine back and nothing changed. in fact, it got much worse.
naive
i was in a similar situation with my ABF in the past, two months after i last left him. i received a call from the hospital, saying that he was bleeding and hemmoraging from the nose from excessive drinking. apparently, he had drank solid since we split.
my heart went out to him and i took him back into my home and monitored his bleeding (which went on for 10 days) and nursed him back to health with the help of one good doctor.
you know what happened next? i'm sure you do. he went back to drinking. that was two years ago and right now, he's in jail for assaulting me and a friend.
it's so hard to watch them suffer but we both know that when you help them, they just go back to the drink eventually and nothing changes, unless they get serious about their recovery.
if yours can call you, he can call his family, AA or other support. he is calling YOU because he wants your enabling back.
anyway, i took mine back and nothing changed. in fact, it got much worse.
naive
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I will pray you have the strength to get through this and do the right thing
I will pray he keeps drinking.
If he keeps drinking, he may hit a bottom, if he gets rescued, he surely won't.
Ask Laurie and Freedom what they do when a sponsee "goes out" and goes on a bender.
That will be the healthy thing to do.
I am a man, so my approach is a little more hardcore, I give them a hug, tell them I love them, and tell them to call when they are done.
Sink or swim
period.
That is the only thing I have ever seen work.
I have received many many phone calls from them when they were done.
What he is going through is what got me sober, I drank like that for 5 days, on day 6 I woke up and I was done, I couldn't live like that any more.
If someone would have rescued me, I'm not sure I would have "hit a bottom" instead people just kept buying me drinks.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
I will pray for both of you.
I will pray he keeps drinking.
If he keeps drinking, he may hit a bottom, if he gets rescued, he surely won't.
Ask Laurie and Freedom what they do when a sponsee "goes out" and goes on a bender.
That will be the healthy thing to do.
I am a man, so my approach is a little more hardcore, I give them a hug, tell them I love them, and tell them to call when they are done.
Sink or swim
period.
That is the only thing I have ever seen work.
I have received many many phone calls from them when they were done.
What he is going through is what got me sober, I drank like that for 5 days, on day 6 I woke up and I was done, I couldn't live like that any more.
If someone would have rescued me, I'm not sure I would have "hit a bottom" instead people just kept buying me drinks.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
I will pray for both of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
TC, sending healing and strengthening thoughts your way from the high mountains here...
I may be alone in this, but since I learned to put the focus on me, I take seriously the Real Future Me. The idealized Future Me, if something were to happen in a situation like this (if Peter were to die, for example) would be serene in the knowledge that his HP did everything possible and would not suffer because of it.
The Real Future Me would just about come unglued.
So for better or for worse, I DO do things that will give the Real Future Me the rock-solid knowledge that I did all I could without compromising my Current Me's serenity. I offered to get my sister into rehab. I jotted quick notes to family members and friends that she was talking "death talk" and asked for suggestions and prayers. I told her I loved her and hoped she would choose to get the help she needed. I did all of the little things that I would've done had she been a friend instead of a relative.
And then I got on with my day.
It's a strange, karmic form of CYA. But it works for me. I can go on with my day in peace, and let "it" go completely.
As you may or may not know, my eldest sister eventually died of massive organ failure because she refused to get help. It was sad that she made those choices, and I cried. But I carried none of the "dirty pain" that comes from not knowing if I could've done more, and so I healed very quickly, secure in the knowledge that I'd done everything possible for me.
If there is something you can do that will protect your Future TC without damaging your Current TC or the AH (by enabling), well, consider your options.
But mostly, give yourself a big hug from me. I know how hard you've already tried. Sending prayers that Peter's HP will guide him to where he needs to be.
I may be alone in this, but since I learned to put the focus on me, I take seriously the Real Future Me. The idealized Future Me, if something were to happen in a situation like this (if Peter were to die, for example) would be serene in the knowledge that his HP did everything possible and would not suffer because of it.
The Real Future Me would just about come unglued.
So for better or for worse, I DO do things that will give the Real Future Me the rock-solid knowledge that I did all I could without compromising my Current Me's serenity. I offered to get my sister into rehab. I jotted quick notes to family members and friends that she was talking "death talk" and asked for suggestions and prayers. I told her I loved her and hoped she would choose to get the help she needed. I did all of the little things that I would've done had she been a friend instead of a relative.
And then I got on with my day.
It's a strange, karmic form of CYA. But it works for me. I can go on with my day in peace, and let "it" go completely.
As you may or may not know, my eldest sister eventually died of massive organ failure because she refused to get help. It was sad that she made those choices, and I cried. But I carried none of the "dirty pain" that comes from not knowing if I could've done more, and so I healed very quickly, secure in the knowledge that I'd done everything possible for me.
If there is something you can do that will protect your Future TC without damaging your Current TC or the AH (by enabling), well, consider your options.
But mostly, give yourself a big hug from me. I know how hard you've already tried. Sending prayers that Peter's HP will guide him to where he needs to be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Brockton, Ma
Posts: 41
I've come a long way in that today, the first voice in my head screams "HANDS OFF THE ALCOHOLIC!" instead of "HELP HIM - IT'S WHAT GOOD PEOPLE DO!"
Dear Tough Choices,
We are at choice each and every nano-second of our day. You have helped me with the line from your post above. I've just decided to walk away from my A.
I feel terribly bad too. I'm sure it's because we are grieving over the "dream" of what it could have been versus the "reality" of what IT IS.
Thank you for your post. I will pray and send healing to you and your family.
Alphawoman
Dear Tough Choices,
We are at choice each and every nano-second of our day. You have helped me with the line from your post above. I've just decided to walk away from my A.
I feel terribly bad too. I'm sure it's because we are grieving over the "dream" of what it could have been versus the "reality" of what IT IS.
Thank you for your post. I will pray and send healing to you and your family.
Alphawoman
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
Maybe I should focus on my desire to avoid guilt here. It seems an indication that I am trying to predict and control the future instead of just accepting and adjusting.
I think our codie version of sitting alone in a strange hotel room, bombed drunk, with a gun in our mouth and shaky finger on the trigger is when we start to come face to face with one of two primary emotions, either guilt, or fear of abandonment (by ourself or another, leading us to being "alone").
If you look at what you are feeling, or avoiding coming to feeling by the compulsion to engage with him, in this framework, it gives a basis to self-examine. The real solution lies in discovering why we launch off into this "guilt" or "fear of abandonment" and really learning to trust our HP. We codies have to be willing to face that guilt or fear of abandonment, just as the alcoholic must be willing to admit powernessless over alcohol. As long as we, or they, skirt the heart of the issues (they must not pick up, we must not engage in insanity) by avoidance, we are doomed to repeat the lesson, IMHO. We have to take on those visceral fears, and root them out, and deconstruct them, and re-engineer ourselves with mindful, more correct responses.
My point being, his critical point is bringing on yours. You can only resolve yours, within you. Follow the trail of self-worth, because that's where the money's at. (Something in us wants to formulate the following incorrect equation: not taking some sort of "helping" action = lack of compassion = I must self-condemn myself for being inadequate = I have insufficient self-worth unless I work constantly to earn it = I earn it by what others think of me or by what I think of me due to my actions.)
There is completely no lack of compassion on your part leaving him to his own pathway, when you know he has been shown the resources and tools. He has what he needs. It may sound cold, but it's accurate, and not devoid of compassion.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Last edited by catlovermi; 04-13-2009 at 08:59 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
I am not his only hope. He has an old sponsor and friends and family and AA. He knows this.
For the first time, I am beginning to wonder if he will survive this disease.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Sigh. Nothing like finding a post that resembles your own life enough to bring you out of the woodwork........I don't think I've posted here for almost a year. 
Here's my take: It doesn't matter who it is, what their relationship to or history with me is, how much water is under the bridge, etc - - if an addict wants to go to rehab and asks me to help get them there, I'll do it.
My AH and I separated around the first of January after 11 years together. He just couldn't stay sober and I had reached my bottom with him as a partner. About 3 weeks ago, I awoke in the morning to find a series of 3-4 messages left by him in the middle of the night. Absolutely wasted drunk, driving around, crying, talking about how he's spiraling downward, miserable, doesn't want life anymore if I'm not in it, might as well just run off the road, etc.
After an initial wave of codependency-inspired fear, anger, guilt, sadness, and the knee-jerk desire to immediately drive over to see if he was alive - - I decided to just sit and breathe, think, do some readings, and consider what to do (if anything).
After about 30 minutes, I decided that I would do one thing only: Call and ask if he was interested in detox/rehab and if so, I'd drive him there. If not, that was it. I figured this would be my behavior/choice with ANY human being in the same situation, so I made that my guide. Interestingly enough, he was home, alive, and willing to go - - so I took him and they admitted him.
Now, that isn't to say he hasn't tried to capitalize in every way on the event since then by calling, asking me to come up for "family night", talk about reconciling, blah blah; but I'm not going there. Ever. Again.
I guess the bottom line with me (and I've been sober 16 years myself) is that I made that choice based on seeing it on the most basic level. Someone with a bad disease was sick and wanted to go to the hospital. Period. JMHO.
Here's my take: It doesn't matter who it is, what their relationship to or history with me is, how much water is under the bridge, etc - - if an addict wants to go to rehab and asks me to help get them there, I'll do it.
My AH and I separated around the first of January after 11 years together. He just couldn't stay sober and I had reached my bottom with him as a partner. About 3 weeks ago, I awoke in the morning to find a series of 3-4 messages left by him in the middle of the night. Absolutely wasted drunk, driving around, crying, talking about how he's spiraling downward, miserable, doesn't want life anymore if I'm not in it, might as well just run off the road, etc.
After an initial wave of codependency-inspired fear, anger, guilt, sadness, and the knee-jerk desire to immediately drive over to see if he was alive - - I decided to just sit and breathe, think, do some readings, and consider what to do (if anything).
After about 30 minutes, I decided that I would do one thing only: Call and ask if he was interested in detox/rehab and if so, I'd drive him there. If not, that was it. I figured this would be my behavior/choice with ANY human being in the same situation, so I made that my guide. Interestingly enough, he was home, alive, and willing to go - - so I took him and they admitted him.
Now, that isn't to say he hasn't tried to capitalize in every way on the event since then by calling, asking me to come up for "family night", talk about reconciling, blah blah; but I'm not going there. Ever. Again.
I guess the bottom line with me (and I've been sober 16 years myself) is that I made that choice based on seeing it on the most basic level. Someone with a bad disease was sick and wanted to go to the hospital. Period. JMHO.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
(((((((TC)))))))
:praying
I've learned over the years that when I get those horrible phone calls from one of my brothers I can only offer the help that I am genuinely capable of delivering:
I love you. You can do this.
I'm not the person who can help you beat this. But you know where to find people who are ready to help.
Do you want a ride to a meeting?
That's my basic script. I do believe they can overcome this disease if they choose recovery! So I try to always send them that message of strength.
I do love them.
I will give them a ride to an AA meeting.
I resist the manipulation of my heartstrings - I remind myself it is but a symptom of their disease - like Gollum in Lord of the Rings - their "precious" has altered their brain and they will behave in any manner that will help them get their precious back - and I need to be strong and not be fooled or distracted or give in because then I will lose my way on my journey and will in fact betray their best selves, I will not help them or anyone!!
But what to do with the pain of it all? It's very hard. I give myself whatever time I need to feel it, weep it out, hand it over to my HP, pray very hard that this will be their last day, get to a meeting, go to a girlfriend and just say "I need a hug!" *sigh*
:ghug
peace,
b
:praying
I've learned over the years that when I get those horrible phone calls from one of my brothers I can only offer the help that I am genuinely capable of delivering:
I love you. You can do this.
I'm not the person who can help you beat this. But you know where to find people who are ready to help.
Do you want a ride to a meeting?
That's my basic script. I do believe they can overcome this disease if they choose recovery! So I try to always send them that message of strength.
I do love them.
I will give them a ride to an AA meeting.
I resist the manipulation of my heartstrings - I remind myself it is but a symptom of their disease - like Gollum in Lord of the Rings - their "precious" has altered their brain and they will behave in any manner that will help them get their precious back - and I need to be strong and not be fooled or distracted or give in because then I will lose my way on my journey and will in fact betray their best selves, I will not help them or anyone!!
But what to do with the pain of it all? It's very hard. I give myself whatever time I need to feel it, weep it out, hand it over to my HP, pray very hard that this will be their last day, get to a meeting, go to a girlfriend and just say "I need a hug!" *sigh*
:ghug
peace,
b
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
(((TC))) You and your family are in my prayers. Last May my RAH was on a downward spiral, he lost his job, his health, friends and family and me. I had him removed from our house, he was sleeping in his truck and drinking 24/7. I had a no contact rule with him, and I remember one Friday night, getting home from work and vaccuming our pool, when I prayed "God, please let me 'get it' before it's too late", and with that .. the phone rings and it was him, drunk and sobbing uncontrollably, saying he felt like he was gonna die and wanted to see me. I agreed to meet him as long as he let me take him to the hospital (if it were manipulation, he would never have agreed to that one). He agreed. I met him and took him to the hospital. He had a BAL of .428 which is lethal for most people. Anyway, that wasn't what would have killed him, but he truly was dying, ER dr. said he was lucky I got him there when I did. Due to severe muscle wasting, he was almost in kidney failure. After they stablized him, I let him know that I could not do this anymore, he needed rehab. He did go into rehab, was sober for almost 4 months, unfortunately though relapsed for 2 months and is now sober almost 4 months again. I was comfortable with my decision to take him, but it had to be on my terms. If it wasn't, I knew he wasn't serious, it would have been a manipulation ploy, and I don't have time for that in my life. Just my ESH. You, your STBXAH and your family are in my prayers. Hugs.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
