What I wouldn't give....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
What I wouldn't give....
This happened last fair. I am working, keeping busy, telling myself I can get loaded tomorrow, telling myself "just for today", and doing my step work. All the things I should be doing, but what I wouldn't give to not have my brain right now.
Last fair, I contemplated, schemed, and hid a lot of money (downplaying how much I made at the fair) in order to go ahead and get loaded. I planned it. I know I did. at the time I know I did, but I ignored it. I ignored all the warning signs. Ignored what I was doing. All in the name to get high.
And I find myself doing it again. This time, I am trying, really hard, to pay attention to the warning signs, but I am having an extremely difficult time telling on my addiction and what it is trying to convince me to do.
Working, like this, I've found is a trigger. I get tired, stressed, and I just simply do too much. I still try to help my Mom around the house. Hell, she pays for the food, roof over my head, and helps with the gas and phone bill. I still remember, CLEARLY, what happened February 2nd, and I have so much remorse, regret, and guilt over it, YET I STILL WANT TO GET HIGH.
WTF is wrong with me? I know, it's the addiction, but this time, dammit, I've worked really hard not to substitute or cheat and I've stayed completely clean for 70 days now. I've come this far, and I want to keep going, but I really have no F***ing clue what to do.
I didn't sleep at all Thursday to Friday, due to the sick dog and work. The dog is doing much better. The vet never found what was wrong with him, but he's holding food down now. I am still working.
In this mode, I feel like an intruder. Like a freaking crackhead trying to play a normal person who has never done drugs or anything like that. I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. We went to the yards and found some parts for my truck Saturday. We had a nice, just the two of us, cookout today. Through it all, I felt like I was pretending. I don't know. Maybe I am. I don't want to be where I was. Getting loaded, doing things I don't want to do in order to get loaded...
Yet I want to get high. I actually caught myself trying to remember how I hold the pipe. How I load the crack onto it, melt it.. All that nasty crap that, deep in my heart, I don't want to do.
My addiction has been really active these past 9 days and I am just sick of it. If I only had a (real) brain......
And though my boyfriend lives in a relatively nice neighborhood, I know his neighbor does drugs. We know our kind. It's not hard to tell, especially someone in active use (or addiction). I actually fantasized about going to the neighbor's and asking him what he could get me and to please not tell my boyfriend. Ugh...
I know I'll never be normal. I don't really want to be normal anyway. That's boring. But these past few days, I am just sick of being an addict. I really hate it..
Thanks for listening.
Last fair, I contemplated, schemed, and hid a lot of money (downplaying how much I made at the fair) in order to go ahead and get loaded. I planned it. I know I did. at the time I know I did, but I ignored it. I ignored all the warning signs. Ignored what I was doing. All in the name to get high.
And I find myself doing it again. This time, I am trying, really hard, to pay attention to the warning signs, but I am having an extremely difficult time telling on my addiction and what it is trying to convince me to do.
Working, like this, I've found is a trigger. I get tired, stressed, and I just simply do too much. I still try to help my Mom around the house. Hell, she pays for the food, roof over my head, and helps with the gas and phone bill. I still remember, CLEARLY, what happened February 2nd, and I have so much remorse, regret, and guilt over it, YET I STILL WANT TO GET HIGH.
WTF is wrong with me? I know, it's the addiction, but this time, dammit, I've worked really hard not to substitute or cheat and I've stayed completely clean for 70 days now. I've come this far, and I want to keep going, but I really have no F***ing clue what to do.
I didn't sleep at all Thursday to Friday, due to the sick dog and work. The dog is doing much better. The vet never found what was wrong with him, but he's holding food down now. I am still working.
In this mode, I feel like an intruder. Like a freaking crackhead trying to play a normal person who has never done drugs or anything like that. I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. We went to the yards and found some parts for my truck Saturday. We had a nice, just the two of us, cookout today. Through it all, I felt like I was pretending. I don't know. Maybe I am. I don't want to be where I was. Getting loaded, doing things I don't want to do in order to get loaded...
Yet I want to get high. I actually caught myself trying to remember how I hold the pipe. How I load the crack onto it, melt it.. All that nasty crap that, deep in my heart, I don't want to do.
My addiction has been really active these past 9 days and I am just sick of it. If I only had a (real) brain......
And though my boyfriend lives in a relatively nice neighborhood, I know his neighbor does drugs. We know our kind. It's not hard to tell, especially someone in active use (or addiction). I actually fantasized about going to the neighbor's and asking him what he could get me and to please not tell my boyfriend. Ugh...
I know I'll never be normal. I don't really want to be normal anyway. That's boring. But these past few days, I am just sick of being an addict. I really hate it..
Thanks for listening.
lunarlovelunar
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
:ghug3
I am sorry you are having a rough time. Try to keep checkin in with yourself and be brutally honest. That should help. Maybe make a time everyday to sit with yourself and check in. Sounds like you are a bit tired and stressed too. If you can lessen these things even a little....
I wish you all that you seek.....
I am sorry you are having a rough time. Try to keep checkin in with yourself and be brutally honest. That should help. Maybe make a time everyday to sit with yourself and check in. Sounds like you are a bit tired and stressed too. If you can lessen these things even a little....
I wish you all that you seek.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I'm sorry you're struggling. Not too long ago I went through a period of intense longing, or obsessing, for alcohol. I told myself that it would pass, and it did - but I kept ratting myself out anyway. Here, to my sponsor, my friends in recovery, even to my non-recovering friends. And by telling on myself, and swallowing my pride, the compulsion once again lifted.
I can't recall - are you involved in any sort of recovery work or counselling? It might be helpful.
I understand how frustrating it is - to remember with stark clarity how bad that last binge was - and yet want to get high anyway. And, to most people it wouldn't make sense. But it makes sense to me - and to scores of other addicts, I suspect.
You're well on your way to living a life free from the chains of addiction. Use whatever tools you've got, and never be scared to ask for help. Recovery is possible, no matter what.
I can't recall - are you involved in any sort of recovery work or counselling? It might be helpful.
I understand how frustrating it is - to remember with stark clarity how bad that last binge was - and yet want to get high anyway. And, to most people it wouldn't make sense. But it makes sense to me - and to scores of other addicts, I suspect.
You're well on your way to living a life free from the chains of addiction. Use whatever tools you've got, and never be scared to ask for help. Recovery is possible, no matter what.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dayton, OH.
Posts: 879
Yes, I am in the NA. I called and left a message with my Sponsor. I feel much better, already, just getting that crap off of my chest. My brain feels a lot less squeezed. 
I think I will make an extra effort to get on here or to a meeting every day.. Earlier today, I was having a few moments of peace and thought it was gonna be alright. It IS going to be alright, but not in the way I'd really like, so I think, instead of disappearing, I just will come here to read a few, rather than "hit a few"...
Work a couple hours in the shop, sneak in the house, have a snack or a cig, and get online. Besides, Spider Solitaire is on the computer. LOLOLOL.
Thank you all!
I think I will make an extra effort to get on here or to a meeting every day.. Earlier today, I was having a few moments of peace and thought it was gonna be alright. It IS going to be alright, but not in the way I'd really like, so I think, instead of disappearing, I just will come here to read a few, rather than "hit a few"...
Work a couple hours in the shop, sneak in the house, have a snack or a cig, and get online. Besides, Spider Solitaire is on the computer. LOLOLOL.
Thank you all!
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I am really glad that you expressed your feelings here. YOU are not however that person that is craving the drugs. YOU are the one that is reaching out, trying to escape that addicted part of you that is holding you back. Unfortunately, it takes time to fully escape and become the person that you truly are and truly want to be. Look deep within yourself for the things that truly make you who to are and embrace them. Time will heal.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Crackquack, crack was not my bag, alcohol was, but from my alcohol experience what you are going through sure sounds familiar!!!
I am in AA, I found the harder I worked the steps and the quicker I took them to heart the better I got, I also found that going to meetings a lot when I was struggling in addition to calling others in the program to make a HUGE difference.
Telling on your self like you are doing here not only helps you as you have already seen, but it is helping me and others.
Yes I accept I am an alcoholic and will be one until the day I die, but I know that I no longer suffer from alcoholism because I am not drinking and I have changed and continue to work on change.
Here is an old cliche "This to shall pass!". Cliches burn me up when I am struggling, but then once I have gotten beyond the struggle I do see that the cliche hold true!!!
Keep posting here, call someone, get to a meeting, GET IT OUT!!!!!
With time and taking the steps combined with working with others the obsession will lift, it has for me, for some folks it takes a lot of time and hard work, for others less, but it does happen if we keep at it. Please do not stop working for it before the miracle happens.
and doing my step work.
Telling on your self like you are doing here not only helps you as you have already seen, but it is helping me and others.
Yes I accept I am an alcoholic and will be one until the day I die, but I know that I no longer suffer from alcoholism because I am not drinking and I have changed and continue to work on change.
Here is an old cliche "This to shall pass!". Cliches burn me up when I am struggling, but then once I have gotten beyond the struggle I do see that the cliche hold true!!!
Keep posting here, call someone, get to a meeting, GET IT OUT!!!!!
With time and taking the steps combined with working with others the obsession will lift, it has for me, for some folks it takes a lot of time and hard work, for others less, but it does happen if we keep at it. Please do not stop working for it before the miracle happens.
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