Nikki2003

I hope some of you remember me. I failed in my attempt to keep him pushed away. I let him drag me back into his lies and believed him. I so wanted to. Middle of december I let him come back home because I felt bad that he was living in his car and it was freezing out. So he moved back in regaurdless of the no contact order. Lived with me till March 2nd. And he and I were trying to restart our family by having another baby. I know stupid me. Luckily I did not get pregnant. On the 2nd the cops learned he was staying here and he had to move out. But we kept seeing each other till his car broke down on the 13th of March. His dad is a mechanic so he moved 2 hours away to stay at his parents to get his car fixed. At least that is what he told me. Typical stupid me was drawn to trusting him. Then he calls me a few days later and tells me that he is no longer going to contact me because he wants to listen to the terms of his parol. I am like HUH????

Then social Services tells me I can't get my kids back. I then freak out. I tried to commit suicide and end up on a breathing tube with IV's in my arteries and veins. I am having a complete mental break down. The crisis worker phones him to ask him to come back and take care of the house and pets while I recover in the ICU and then they wanted me in the psych ward. My husband tells them he doesn't care what happens to me, or to the animals. To put them all in shelters for all he cares.

I know then that something is really up and as soon as they let me out of the ICU I sign myself out of the hospital. I make an appointment with legal Aid to start divorce proceedings. The next weekend my suspisions are confirmed when he emails me and tells me that he is living with the love of his life, that he is marrying her as soon as he divorces me and that he is going for full custody. I give all the information to the police. Since the emails are a breach of the no contact order.

He had also said in the emails that he was coming here on the last day in March to pick up his things. And that he would have the police with him. Well when he came to town he went to the police to get an escort here and instead of escourting him here they arrested him. He has been in Remand since then. And will remain there till May 4th when he has his next court date.

I am moving into a 1bdrm place till I get my kids back. Which my lawyer says can happen in 2 or 3 months. I am excited about that. And I see legal Aid on the 16th to start the divorce proceedings.

I just feel so stupid for falling into the trap once agian. His family just called to come tomorrow to pick up his things and they didn't know either about his girlfriend. They have not spoken to him since he went into jail. His mother is not impressed that he already has a fiance and is planning to marry her when he is not even divorced from me yet.

I just hope this time I will not fall back into his trap. I am so tired of the abuse, addictions and the lies and excuses. I am so tired of being with someone with no sense of responsibility for his actions.

Sorry for the long post. I just had to get everything off my chest.
Nikki

Mis

I was in a similar situation. I understand your pain. I am pregnant with my A. I had to leave him and I did. It gets sooo hard being on my own, but I remember what its like to be with him. Also, the lies, manipulation, lack of responsibility. A quote By Joyce Meyer puts things into perspective for me. It goes something like this... I may not be where I want, but at least I'm not where I was.

I hope this helps and I pray for you that things get better.

mooselips

Niki,
Sometimes, unfortunately, we have to fall back into the chaos, lies, and deception of addiction to shake ourselves free.


I cannot even tell you how many times, (silly me) I have believed outright lies, and been manipulated yet, once again into believing things were good......only to find out that, once again, I was scammed by my AS.



Happy to know that your H.P. was watching out for you, and you came through your hospital stay okay, and, with a greater awareness of his scamming, and YOUR vunerabilty.

Life is short, and you deserve so so much more.


Take care of you....glad you have an opportunity to get your kids back.

Hugs.......

MsPINKAcres

prayers for you, Nikki

Remember you deserve to be Happy, Joyous and Free!!

Serenity Bound

Nikki, I can't begin to count how many times I've fallen for the lies and manipulation of my AD. I takes time, but we do learn.

Very good to hear that you will be getting your kids back soon. With that in mind, please take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Chris

Nikki2003

Thanks everyone. Things are tough right now but I am dealing with everything on a day to day situation. Trying to stay focused on the here and now. It seems to tough if I focus on all the soon to be's and what if's.

I just feel like I failed him some how and failed my children. He says he is happy now that he is with the love of his life. So what was I? How did I fail him? He kept telling me how much he loved me until he met her. It was one thing to play second fiddle to his addictions but I will not to a woman. Why couldn't he divorce me first. I just have no idea how I am going to explain all this to our kids. We have 3. He obviously was not thinking about them when he made his decision to cheat on me. If he thinks it is only him and I he has affected with this latest decision then he has another thing coming. The kids always thought that once he got help we would be a family agian. Now that we are divorcing the kids know it is permantent and they are very upset.

I just don't know how to explain this all to them. Or even to myself. I know the last thing on my mind is jumping into a new relationship. How could he even consider it? Do addicts ever think about anyone but themselves and their own pleasures? Where is the sense of responsibility?

I am just so lost right now.
Nikki

Serenity Bound

Hugs,
Chris

laurie6781

(((((Nikki)))))

First, WELCOME BACK. I am happy to see you here but sad for why you had to come back. It can be so rough!!!

NEVER feel like you have to apologize for a 'long' post. We have all done it, we rant, we rave, we GET IT OUT and that is the start to our HEALING.

Do not feel bad about getting 'sucked back in' many of us have been. It is the QUACKING and MANIPULATION that the A has lived their whole life by. I know, I did it too during my 24 years out there, 22 of them actively drinking and using.

I am glad to see you are now moving forward with YOUR LIFE.

Over these many years I have in recovery now, from both addiction and codieism I have seen it happen over and over. One of my very favorite lines in a movie is Al Pacino in Godfather III where he says: "Just when I get out all they way, THEY SUCK ME BACK IN."

Wow, should be one of our cliches on the walls of the meeting rooms.

Have you tried AlAnon and/or NarAnon for you? I mention AlAnon because in many areas there are lots more meetings of Alnon than meetings of NarAnon.

Also, have you read "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattle. It is really reasonable on Amazon.com. It is a great book to get started with.

Please, keep posting, let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much. Feel freet to rant, rave, scream, cry and even laugh. We do understand.

Love and hugs,

Nikki2003

Thanks. His parents drove over two hours today to pick up his stuff. They were very friendly and happy to see me. I told his dad that I am sorry that things worked out the way they did. And he said these things happen. I think they are happy to see me go. They said they will stay in touch for the kids sake but I doubt it.

Part of me is relieved that it is all over. That I only have to get through the divorce. I hope I no longer see him or hear from him. I know that would hurt the kids but it would be so much easier on me. And I can then raise the kids without his destructive influence.

Another part of me is sad that almost 7yrs is down the drain.

JMFburns

I am sorry for what is going on in your life, but pray that you can begin to focus on YOUR life and regaining custoday of your kids and building a life for them. It will most likely be a long and winding road (as the song says,) but you are worth much in your HP's eyes and hopefully you will begin to see that as well.

Get rid of the soon to ex and his negative impact on your life, move forward with joy, peace and serenity, knowing you are exactly what your HP wants you to be, A WONDERFUL WOMAN.

Muf

WELCOME BACK NIKKI,WE LEARN SO MUCH HERE i'M SURE GLAD YOU ARE BACK
MUF

lilmami

I think you are doing the right thing.My dad was a heroin addict and after mum left I remember we never had much but our place was finally calm and gentle and happy.No more walking on eggshells when daddy was coming off a high or having cravings.I am 29 now with 3 daughters of my own and I have so much respect for my mother that she put my brother and myself before my father and his addiction.Your children will feel the same one day.

Nikki2003

Thank you. I hope you are right. So far the kids are still angry with their fathr over the fact that we are divorcing. They all want to come and live with me. I feel so much happiness knowing that.

I am moving today and tomorrow to a basement suite with only one bedroom till I get my kids back. Since I am on disability this is all I can afford for now. He will not know where I am which I think is a good thing. Most of our things are going to storage, agian he won't know where the stuff is. I will need it all when I get the kids back.

He is still in jail which is a relief to me. I don't have to worry about him showing up or calling since my phone won't accept calls from the jail. I am transfering my mail to my new residence. His mail is still coming here but it will no longer be my responsibility. I am trying so hard to detach from him. But my heart still aches for what could have been. I still doubt myself and wonder where I failed. Nights are the worst because I was so used to him being there. Now the house is too quiet. It helps that most of his things are gone.

Teggie

Nikki,

Bless you honey, keep doing what you have to do.

And when you start thinking whats wrong with me? What does she have that I don't? How did I fail? etc etc. Just think about what this other women is getting? Wonder how long it will take her to realize this "prize" she has?

You didn't fail anything. But he failed you big time. Remember that and put the blame where it belongs. On him.

Hugs,
Teggie

KnowBetter

I posted this before, and I firmly believe this. Until the anger goes, you can't detach.
The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Try to let go of the anger and realize he is ill. Then you can move on. A big red flag that you still are holding on to the anger is the fact that you let him move back and live with you when there was a no contact order......but when he wanted to come back to get his things with a police escort, you had him arrested. That was revenge. And that revenge can hurt you as much as him.
It can eat at you....and make you not feel good about yourself.......

His illness has nothing to do with you any more than if he had cancer. The new person he is with is not better than you....she has nothing to do with you.....addicts feel the need to do different cures....some even moving to a different city...called the "geographical cure".

Once you let go of the anger, and allow some peace to fill that place where the anger/revenge is....you can look forward and to a future of better times for you!

Nikki2003

sorry but you are completely wrong about me. Yes he was arrested. By his own actions. He had phoned me earlier in the month to tell me he wanted to follow the terms of his probation which meant he could not contact me in anyway. So I did as his probation said. He emailed me and lied about his probation officer giving him permission to do so. There was no way I was letting him come to my house with his girlfriend and risk ending up in jail myself for helping him breach yet agian. So I did as the police and his probation officer had told me to do and that was to give the emails to the police. My therapist let me know that that was the best decision out of this whole situation that I ever made. And she confirmed for me that it was not a revenge act it was my first step in the right direction for me to regain control of my life after all his physical and emotional abuse of me and my children.

Am I still angry with him for what he has done to me and my kids? You bet. And my therapist who I see every week says it is a very healthy emotion for me to have right now after 7yrs of abuse. I am more angry then anything at him for how he treats our kids and continues to treat our kids because I am the one that will continue to have to fix his mess ups with our children when ever he hurts them or lies to them.

So I am sorry to say this but I totally disagree with your statement and accusation of me being vengeful. The police, my therapist, and psychatrist all have stated differently and congratulate me on making that very first and very hard step that I did.

KariSue

Hi Nikki,

Since you mentioned you may have failed him, I just have to say NO WAY. Get that out of your mind. You did no such thing. HE failed YOU. He failed you over and over and it is NOT your fault. No way, no how, never.

I just hate to see anyone blaming themselves for the actions of an addict.

It sounds like you are a strong person who is headed in the right direction. I hope you find the peace that you so richly deserve.

Hugs, KariSue

ventuhome

Hey Nikki, we are going thru the same thing as you with the kid in Foster care because of an addicted parent. Glad that you are back here. Hope you can get to some meetings - my brother did and it was so good for him. He's got his action plan from his social worker and he does stuff on it every week. Nar Anon helps by making him remmber he has to do things for himself. He even is reminding me to do that too!!! But if you can make it to NarAnon or AlAnon, reread the stickies up at the top for yourself. You did not cause the addiction, You cant control it, If your Ah is going to behave like he did, you definitely deserve someone better than thet and so do your kids.

Muf

Nikki.
it sounds like you are moving in the right direction,good for you and lots of luck
Muf :praying