Need to Vent

Old 04-12-2009, 07:02 AM
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Unhappy Need to Vent

My younger half brother is also a addict, we have never been close, he was with my brother, or found my brother the night he Od, I will never know the truth, which is ok I guess, I am grateful that somebody found him other than my mom or myself.
Anyway, he is in jail, he steals, he had a visit yesterday, only 3 allowed, so I knew I wouldnt go in, but I went and waited for my dad and his wife to come out to hear how he was doing, as no one contacts me. First thing I get is have you been calling his PO, I was so shocked and so hurt, but after leaving them and crying forever, they asked because they knew I used to do it to older brother, like 4 years ago, before I got it that it didnt help.
So i can understand a little why they asked.

To make it easier to understand my pain, my dad and mom divorced when I was 14, dad divorced us also, never came to get us, no xmas or birthdays, It hurt so bad, but I came to accept my dad, all I ever wanted was love, if I wanted to see him i went to him, I used to live in Virginia so i only saw him whem I came home to Missouri once a year, but I moved back 8 years ago, they have never been to my house once.

His wife(my stepmom) they have been together for about 28 years, she never treated my brother and I good at all, but I wanted to be with my dad so i just accepted it.

I thought I wanted to be a part of younger brother lifes as he is the only one I have, sibling, I have step's but they never contact me, but now I think I need to get back, i know better to get involved in the chaos. before this I wrote him a long letter told him I loved him, i would pray for him, wrote about the lose of older brother as we have not talked since the day of the funeral, I have wanted to share this loss with him, as i know he is hurting also.

I dont know what to do, I love my dad, but I have never been important to him and I just cant take the hurt, he cant be talked to because he doesnt get that he just left us.

maybe counsling would be a good thing, i cry everyday over my older brother, I know it will take time, I miss him so much, I am trying to change things, my blood pressure has been through the roof, so for my health I am gonna have to make the right choices.

I thank you all for listening.

hugs,
sisofD
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Old 04-12-2009, 07:16 AM
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your story is not all that unfamiliar to this forum, this is the ultimate bad ending to drug users and am very sorry it had happen to your brother.

for your sake (physical and mental health) you need to get help to deal with the loss and the loss of your dad due to the divorce.

you are right, if a "family member" does not call you, visit you, or gets together with you unless YOU go to their home, then its not a family relationship, its more of an acquaintance that has the same blood line as you.

do keep contact with them (post cards, birthday cards, occasional phone call) otherwise you need to stop hurting yourself expecting them to change, step 1 of alanon sorta applies to you here ( I am powerless over the addict [in this case the loved one], I am powerless over their actions).
also you have to remember the 3 c
you did not Cause this
you can not fix this
you have no control over this

hope this helps a little bit, and keep coming back for support.
I recommend you look up the thread for alanon, it can help you in this case too.

Jeff
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Old 04-12-2009, 12:45 PM
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(((Sis))) aww, sweetie, you've got a lot to deal with. I would recommend the counseling. Sometimes, no matter how much we want to be a part of our birth family, they simply can't be there for us. No amount of love, or trying on OUR part can make it any better.

I'm sorry you're going through all this, on top of dealing with the grief of your brother's death. Please do whatever is necessary for YOU to get some support.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 04-12-2009, 01:00 PM
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Sis, I'm so sorry that you can't be comforted by your Dad. Just as Amy said, our birth families are not always there for us. Reality is not like all those wonderful TV families we grew up with. Wish it were so. I have an older brother, who just can't be bothered with family. Last time I saw him was a few years ago when I had a layover in Atlanta, told him when I'd be there, and surprisingly he & his wife showed up at the airport. Neither my sister nor I have heard from him since.

I do hope you'll try counseling to help you with your grief.

Hugs & Prayers,
Chris
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Old 04-12-2009, 01:42 PM
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Hi SisofD. I know that we haven't talked in a long time. Long enough that I've only recently read the posts of when you lost you brother. This breaks my heart for you. I remember when you first came here to SR. My daughter used to come here at that time and talked to you about her brother, my son. So I felt an instant connection with you. Please know that I do care about what you're going through. I'm so sorry about all of your pain. Each one of these causes of for your broken heart and extreme pain is more than enough to deal with by itself. All of them together is very overwhelmingly traumatic. If you have opportunities to seek counseling, I would think that this would be the time to do that. Do you go to Alanon meetings or other meetings like this? If not, I would strongly suggest that you do that. They will help with what you've gone through in every area, I promise, and you will make some friends that will be able to understand what you're feeling, at a whole deeper level than others.

My husband's family is like you've described your Dad. It's a very hurtful situation for sure. Your's is a much worse scenerio in so many ways. Hang in there, Sis. Please try to feel my supportive and caring arms around you, hugging you. Keep coming back here to talk about it all.
(((((((((((((((Tight Squeeze Hugs of Support))))))))))))))))
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Old 04-12-2009, 01:43 PM
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Thank you both,
My dad has never been able to just love us, my stepmom was very jealous and he was not able to say hey these are my kids.
When I hugged and said goodbye yesterday I said please dont doubt me, I could hear in his voice he was about to cry when he answered back. Thats the awful thing I dont want him to feel guilt, I just want a little of his life, so we will see.
The death of my brother has left me very empty, the young one and I just will never have the closeness, maybe someday if he gets clean we can begin a relationship.
I think the most important thing right now is me, I need to mourn and grieve (whatever it is called) my older brother, my big brother, I miss him so much. Whatever comes after that I will just have to take it one day at a time.
Thank you, sometimes I feel so alone, I have my wonderful mom, hubby, son, but sometimes it needs to be someone else.

hugs,
sisofD
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Old 04-12-2009, 03:55 PM
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Awww Nina kay,
I feel your hugs and comforting words, I remember when i first came here, you and the others were so helpful, I miss my brother so much Nina it hurts so bad some days, all I truly wanted to do was reach out to my dad and younger brother.
I decided I will write to him while he is locked up, try to encourage him, tell him I love him, thats it, thats all I can really do anyway.
I dont know if you remember from my old posts, dad and that side blame older brother for younger ones addiction, so I know my stepmom is just gritting her teeth when she sees me.
Oh I could b*tch about her all day but I am gonna stop right here, keep my BP down.
Thanks Nina, I remember when you welcomed my mom, you and Ann, I will never forget that.

hugs,
sisofD
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Old 04-12-2009, 06:09 PM
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Sending hug...I'm sorry you are struggling. The grieving process has so many paths and some days are just more difficult than others. I hope you will continue toi reach out and feel the love and support. We do really care. Hugs
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