Let it begin with me?
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Let it begin with me?
Lots going on, but I will try to keep it as short as possible.
My sponsor is about to drop me after a week where I was very disconnected from my program. I didn't make meetings because I couldn't afford to drive there, didn't reach out and call people, didn't do my reading, etc. I felt very down and depressed. I did go to a meeting yesterday, but cried all the way through it and cried when I was sharing.
Anyway, she basically said that I was feeling sorry for myself and that my words and actions weren't matching up in a way that shows integrity. She said she has had to turn down other people to work with me and doesn't feel that I'm committed to my program. I tried to tell her how much I need the work and need and want my program, but she just told me to think about it and get back to her.
Another issue is my two sons, who live with my first husband. His live-in girlfriend has been sending me really disturbing e-mails about what is going on in their house. Apparently, my ex has been very cruel to her lately, and she is about ready to walk out. But more disturbing is the behavior of my 6-year-old son. She says he is bullying other children, hurting them and then laughing about it. He has also tried to light her dog's fur on fire and poke its eyes with a stick. She says my 11-year-old's friends don't want to come over anymore because of his brother, and that my ex lets the little one get away with it all to avoid confrontation.
My ex did set up an appointment for the 6-year-old with a counselor on Tuesday, and I am going to take him. I think what's most upsetting is that I believed that this was a stable household for the boys, as my life has been so unstable and I couldn't provide what they needed. But they are suffering, and I know I'm partly to blame because I have been so wrapped up in my own c**p and so selfish in not helping to raise them. My ex told me that they think I chose AH over them and that their friends ask them where their mother is.
Speaking of AH, I did ask him to find another place, but I have let the whole thing get glossed over. We have both acted like nothing has happened and are "keeping the peace." I originally told him when I came back to him that working our individual programs was non-negotiable, but his has all but vanished (worse than mine). I also still do not trust him, and how can you have a relationship with somebody you don't trust? I do love him, but I think a marriage needs to be a lot more than that.
Any advice on these matters would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!
My sponsor is about to drop me after a week where I was very disconnected from my program. I didn't make meetings because I couldn't afford to drive there, didn't reach out and call people, didn't do my reading, etc. I felt very down and depressed. I did go to a meeting yesterday, but cried all the way through it and cried when I was sharing.
Anyway, she basically said that I was feeling sorry for myself and that my words and actions weren't matching up in a way that shows integrity. She said she has had to turn down other people to work with me and doesn't feel that I'm committed to my program. I tried to tell her how much I need the work and need and want my program, but she just told me to think about it and get back to her.
Another issue is my two sons, who live with my first husband. His live-in girlfriend has been sending me really disturbing e-mails about what is going on in their house. Apparently, my ex has been very cruel to her lately, and she is about ready to walk out. But more disturbing is the behavior of my 6-year-old son. She says he is bullying other children, hurting them and then laughing about it. He has also tried to light her dog's fur on fire and poke its eyes with a stick. She says my 11-year-old's friends don't want to come over anymore because of his brother, and that my ex lets the little one get away with it all to avoid confrontation.
My ex did set up an appointment for the 6-year-old with a counselor on Tuesday, and I am going to take him. I think what's most upsetting is that I believed that this was a stable household for the boys, as my life has been so unstable and I couldn't provide what they needed. But they are suffering, and I know I'm partly to blame because I have been so wrapped up in my own c**p and so selfish in not helping to raise them. My ex told me that they think I chose AH over them and that their friends ask them where their mother is.
Speaking of AH, I did ask him to find another place, but I have let the whole thing get glossed over. We have both acted like nothing has happened and are "keeping the peace." I originally told him when I came back to him that working our individual programs was non-negotiable, but his has all but vanished (worse than mine). I also still do not trust him, and how can you have a relationship with somebody you don't trust? I do love him, but I think a marriage needs to be a lot more than that.
Any advice on these matters would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi 
Sponsor. Hmmm.. if it were me, I'd probably have a heart to heart with her.. and if we were not on the same page.. look elsewhere. If ever the day comes when I do service by being a sponsor I'd see it as my privilege to try and facilitate someone's progress. I would hope that I wouldn't start taking their inventory... I'd hope to be a bit further along than that. I'd also hope to remember the 'let their be no criticism of each other' post script.
I think the appointment with the counsellor sounds like a good idea for your little boy.
As for the AH. Nothing changes if nothing changes.. and nothing is changing right? It did happen... but now it is the elephant in the corner of the room. Have you tried talking about it with him?
Sponsor. Hmmm.. if it were me, I'd probably have a heart to heart with her.. and if we were not on the same page.. look elsewhere. If ever the day comes when I do service by being a sponsor I'd see it as my privilege to try and facilitate someone's progress. I would hope that I wouldn't start taking their inventory... I'd hope to be a bit further along than that. I'd also hope to remember the 'let their be no criticism of each other' post script.
I think the appointment with the counsellor sounds like a good idea for your little boy.
As for the AH. Nothing changes if nothing changes.. and nothing is changing right? It did happen... but now it is the elephant in the corner of the room. Have you tried talking about it with him?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hey Cath,
I'm sorry to hear about your sponsor, but I agree that a heart-to-heart will be a good idea. You need to hold on to your recovery with both hands for yourself, and for your boys. I hope the counseling session will produce a counseling plan for your youngest!
Huge hugs, HG
I'm sorry to hear about your sponsor, but I agree that a heart-to-heart will be a good idea. You need to hold on to your recovery with both hands for yourself, and for your boys. I hope the counseling session will produce a counseling plan for your youngest!
Huge hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Cath1029 
My sponsor is about to drop me after a week where I was very disconnected from my program. I didn't make meetings because I couldn't afford to drive there, didn't reach out and call people, didn't do my reading, etc.
My ex told me that they think I chose AH over them and that their friends ask them where their mother is.
Speaking of AH, I did ask him to find another place, but I have let the whole thing get glossed over. We have both acted like nothing has happened and are "keeping the peace." I originally told him when I came back to him that working our individual programs was non-negotiable, but his has all but vanished (worse than mine).
My ex told me that they think I chose AH over them and that their friends ask them where their mother is.
Speaking of AH, I did ask him to find another place, but I have let the whole thing get glossed over. We have both acted like nothing has happened and are "keeping the peace." I originally told him when I came back to him that working our individual programs was non-negotiable, but his has all but vanished (worse than mine).
Counseling is a good start for the 6 year old, but that doesn't fix the ongoing issues he's having difficulty coping with, does it? Where has his mom been for him? The truth stinks sometimes.
Your program has fallen apart, and I see you sinking further and further back into the disease.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Any advice on these matters would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
How much more unmanageable does your life have to become for you?
Counseling is a good start for the 6 year old, but that doesn't fix the ongoing issues he's having difficulty coping with, does it? Where has his mom been for him? The truth stinks sometimes.
Your program has fallen apart, and I see you sinking further and further back into the disease.
Counseling is a good start for the 6 year old, but that doesn't fix the ongoing issues he's having difficulty coping with, does it? Where has his mom been for him? The truth stinks sometimes.
Your program has fallen apart, and I see you sinking further and further back into the disease.
It's not your AH
It's not your Ex
I mean these people all have one thing in common though.
You
You are wondering what to do?
Action.
Then more action
then more
stop trying to fix your own problems, the evidence is overwhelming, the verdict is in.
What was told to me was "you should stop trying to manage your own life because you aren't management material. Let's look at the evidence."
I won't give you advice, I will give you my experience.
When I stop trying to run my own life, and "do what they tell me" and use the steps to align my will with God's will my life gets better.
When I try to run my own life it looks suspiciously like yours.
When I immerse myself in a twelve step program, my life gets really good. When I immerse myself in the twelve steps my life gets really good.
You "did" alanon for like what? a week? two? and your life changed dramatically.
You took control of your life back when you started feeling better and within a week or two it looked the same as it always did.
The evidence is in, and it's overwhelming.
There is no try, there is only do.
You know what to do, the question is are you gonna do it?
Oh, btw Happy Easter Cath :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Cath1029
I originally told him when I came back to him that working our individual programs was non-negotiable, but his has all but vanished (worse than mine).
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
blessings to you, cath.
i haven't read your earlier posts but one thing i know for sure is we are not ever our best when we live with active addiction, we make poor choices, our perceptions are distorted, we feel trapped and beaten down, and sometimes we have to make several running starts at recovery before we find our center again.
i have been as sad and as lost as you are.
first things first:
in order to be a good mother, you need to find some emotional strength and sanity. you will not find it living with an active addict, especially if you are not getting healthy through counseling or al-anon or both.
your boys need a good mother, cath. the little one is hurting terribly. they need you to be mature and consistent and there for them. they need you desperately.
many of us have cried through meetings and have held the hands of others who have cried through meetings. i know that feeling, dear. i know the despair and feelings of inadequacy.
you have to get well, cath. that's all there is to it. for you, for me, for all of us. we have to get well.
you have to get well.
you can't trust your husband until he has a solid recovery. so the trust issue will last awhile. some distance between you both while you concentrate on your recoveries is probably a good idea.
the children need to come first with you right now. their childhood is running out.
seek another sponsor if your instinct tells you to. or find a counselor if you can afford it. get well, sweetie. straighten your shoulders and make a plan and get well. you can do it.
i haven't read your earlier posts but one thing i know for sure is we are not ever our best when we live with active addiction, we make poor choices, our perceptions are distorted, we feel trapped and beaten down, and sometimes we have to make several running starts at recovery before we find our center again.
i have been as sad and as lost as you are.
first things first:
in order to be a good mother, you need to find some emotional strength and sanity. you will not find it living with an active addict, especially if you are not getting healthy through counseling or al-anon or both.
your boys need a good mother, cath. the little one is hurting terribly. they need you to be mature and consistent and there for them. they need you desperately.
many of us have cried through meetings and have held the hands of others who have cried through meetings. i know that feeling, dear. i know the despair and feelings of inadequacy.
you have to get well, cath. that's all there is to it. for you, for me, for all of us. we have to get well.
you have to get well.
you can't trust your husband until he has a solid recovery. so the trust issue will last awhile. some distance between you both while you concentrate on your recoveries is probably a good idea.
the children need to come first with you right now. their childhood is running out.
seek another sponsor if your instinct tells you to. or find a counselor if you can afford it. get well, sweetie. straighten your shoulders and make a plan and get well. you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Cath1029
My ex told me that they think I chose AH over them and that their friends ask them where their mother is.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Went to a meeting tonight and shared. I said that it was true that the one constant in all the craziness was me (thank you, Ago) and that nothing would ever change unless I had the courage to change it. My sponsor was right when she said that my thoughts, words and actions are not lining up. I am very scared, but I already know in my heart what is the right thing to do.
I saw my sons for Easter. The little one was an angel, as he always is with me. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable enough to act out in front of me, but seeing how sweet and loving he was reminded me that he must be hurting so much to exhibit that other behavior. I pulled my older son aside and asked how he was doing. He said "fine," but his eyes told a different story. I plan to talk to him more when we all go to the counselor on Tuesday. They are such sweet, well-mannered, loving children. I want to add to that and not take away.
Things with AH have blown over and been swept under the rug. Time to pick up that rug and shake it. I'm afraid, but know it's up to me.
ETA: I ordered that book Barbara52 suggested, "52 Weeks of Conscious Contact." Can't wait until it gets here.
I saw my sons for Easter. The little one was an angel, as he always is with me. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable enough to act out in front of me, but seeing how sweet and loving he was reminded me that he must be hurting so much to exhibit that other behavior. I pulled my older son aside and asked how he was doing. He said "fine," but his eyes told a different story. I plan to talk to him more when we all go to the counselor on Tuesday. They are such sweet, well-mannered, loving children. I want to add to that and not take away.
Things with AH have blown over and been swept under the rug. Time to pick up that rug and shake it. I'm afraid, but know it's up to me.
ETA: I ordered that book Barbara52 suggested, "52 Weeks of Conscious Contact." Can't wait until it gets here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
You are the one constant in the craziness that can effect a change.. the others you are effectively powerless over.
Of course your thoughts, words, actions are not lining up. You are in the middle of a storm. If you weren't, if you had everything lined up, if everything was that clear, you'd never have walked into the rooms in the first place. So you either get into the eye of the storm and sit in a calm space while the craziness goes on around you, or, you get out of it. The other alternative is get buffeted by the winds... and I'm getting that you don't want that.
Whatever you decide, don't give up on you.. :ghug
Of course your thoughts, words, actions are not lining up. You are in the middle of a storm. If you weren't, if you had everything lined up, if everything was that clear, you'd never have walked into the rooms in the first place. So you either get into the eye of the storm and sit in a calm space while the craziness goes on around you, or, you get out of it. The other alternative is get buffeted by the winds... and I'm getting that you don't want that.
Whatever you decide, don't give up on you.. :ghug
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Cath1029
Went to a meeting tonight and shared. I said that it was true that the one constant in all the craziness was me (thank you, Ago) and that nothing would ever change unless I had the courage to change it. My sponsor was right when she said that my thoughts, words and actions are not lining up. I am very scared, but I already know in my heart what is the right thing to do.
I saw my sons for Easter. The little one was an angel, as he always is with me. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable enough to act out in front of me, but seeing how sweet and loving he was reminded me that he must be hurting so much to exhibit that other behavior. I pulled my older son aside and asked how he was doing. He said "fine," but his eyes told a different story. I plan to talk to him more when we all go to the counselor on Tuesday. They are such sweet, well-mannered, loving children. I want to add to that and not take away.
Things with AH have blown over and been swept under the rug. Time to pick up that rug and shake it. I'm afraid, but know it's up to me.
ETA: I ordered that book Barbara52 suggested, "52 Weeks of Conscious Contact." Can't wait until it gets here.
I saw my sons for Easter. The little one was an angel, as he always is with me. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable enough to act out in front of me, but seeing how sweet and loving he was reminded me that he must be hurting so much to exhibit that other behavior. I pulled my older son aside and asked how he was doing. He said "fine," but his eyes told a different story. I plan to talk to him more when we all go to the counselor on Tuesday. They are such sweet, well-mannered, loving children. I want to add to that and not take away.
Things with AH have blown over and been swept under the rug. Time to pick up that rug and shake it. I'm afraid, but know it's up to me.
ETA: I ordered that book Barbara52 suggested, "52 Weeks of Conscious Contact." Can't wait until it gets here.
HG
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