A Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 21
A Story
I have never posted before. I just read and look for answers. I have an 18 yr. old son that is in trouble with drugs. Anyway...not ready to talk. But, just sent this to him ( we do alot of email) and thought I would share.
The Story of The Two Wolves:
A grandfather was talking to his grandson.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"Its a terrible fight and it is between two wolves."
"One wolf is evil and ugly: He is anger, envy, war, greed, self-pity, sorrow, regret, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, selfishness and arrogance.
The other wolf is beautiful and good: He is friendly, joyful, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, justice, fairness, empathy, generosity, true compassion, gratitude, and deep Vision.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other human as well."
The grandson paused in deep reflection because of what his grandfather had just said.
Then he finally asked: "grandfather, which wolf will win?"
The Grandfather replied, "The wolf that you feed."
(My son has both of these inside him. And I truly hope the "good one" wins!)
For that matter, I have both inside me, like the story says, and I am trying with all my might to feed the good one.
The Story of The Two Wolves:
A grandfather was talking to his grandson.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"Its a terrible fight and it is between two wolves."
"One wolf is evil and ugly: He is anger, envy, war, greed, self-pity, sorrow, regret, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, selfishness and arrogance.
The other wolf is beautiful and good: He is friendly, joyful, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, justice, fairness, empathy, generosity, true compassion, gratitude, and deep Vision.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other human as well."
The grandson paused in deep reflection because of what his grandfather had just said.
Then he finally asked: "grandfather, which wolf will win?"
The Grandfather replied, "The wolf that you feed."
(My son has both of these inside him. And I truly hope the "good one" wins!)
For that matter, I have both inside me, like the story says, and I am trying with all my might to feed the good one.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome. So glad you posted. There are so many wonderful people here who will be along to lend you support. I found this site about 1 year ago and the love and support that has been provided and shared has been a big part of helping me to move forward and to deal with the chaos around me. Keep coming back and thank you for sharing this post. Hugs to you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Sofardown, I too am the mother of an addict, as are many here.
What helped me find balance and learn to "feed the good wolf" as the story goes, was going to meetings. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here and can help you too. Maybe give them a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Make yourself comfortable here and know that you are not alone. It is heart breaking to watch someone we love destroy themselves, and too easy to lose ourselves in the process. Addiction is a family disease that touches each member.
I am sorry for your son's addiction but glad you joined us.
Hugs
What helped me find balance and learn to "feed the good wolf" as the story goes, was going to meetings. Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here and can help you too. Maybe give them a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Make yourself comfortable here and know that you are not alone. It is heart breaking to watch someone we love destroy themselves, and too easy to lose ourselves in the process. Addiction is a family disease that touches each member.
I am sorry for your son's addiction but glad you joined us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Davie, Fla
Posts: 21
Sofardown,
welcome to the forum, I came here looking for answers and support with my fiancee who is an addict in recovery (Opiates and Benzodiasapines).
what you say is sooo true, but addicts have a third wolf that most of us do not! they have the addict wolf and since the addict feeds that wolf it wins over everything.
I had to learn step 1 of Alanon in very much pain... I am powerless over the drugs, I am powerless over her actions.
your son has to want to get better and no matter how much love, care, best intentions we have, the addict will only get better once they want to leave that life behind.
my fiancee is now narcotics free, but I found that the narcotics was just a symptom of addiction, she still has denial issues, has taken up smoking (and she HATES the smell and taste of it) she blames the system for her problems, etc...
between now and Monday she is going into a residential clinic for 2 months, and we have agreed that she will not move back until she has a full time job for a month to which she agreed. at this point she understands that the addiction is still has a hold of her and she wants to shake it off completely, until your son is ready for that all we can do is watch him hurt himself and pray alot.
please keep coming back for support, and look for a thread labled ALANON it has great information for the recovery of us the family of the addict
welcome to the forum, I came here looking for answers and support with my fiancee who is an addict in recovery (Opiates and Benzodiasapines).
what you say is sooo true, but addicts have a third wolf that most of us do not! they have the addict wolf and since the addict feeds that wolf it wins over everything.
I had to learn step 1 of Alanon in very much pain... I am powerless over the drugs, I am powerless over her actions.
your son has to want to get better and no matter how much love, care, best intentions we have, the addict will only get better once they want to leave that life behind.
my fiancee is now narcotics free, but I found that the narcotics was just a symptom of addiction, she still has denial issues, has taken up smoking (and she HATES the smell and taste of it) she blames the system for her problems, etc...
between now and Monday she is going into a residential clinic for 2 months, and we have agreed that she will not move back until she has a full time job for a month to which she agreed. at this point she understands that the addiction is still has a hold of her and she wants to shake it off completely, until your son is ready for that all we can do is watch him hurt himself and pray alot.
please keep coming back for support, and look for a thread labled ALANON it has great information for the recovery of us the family of the addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 21
Thank you to everyone.
I am going to try to begin "my story" now.
I was married for 7 yrs. and could not have children. I had no problem with adoption, so within a month of deciding that is what we will do, believe it or not (and this is through an adoption agency) we had our sweet baby boy. It all happened so quickly (almost to fast) that I truly took him as my gift from God, this boy was mint to be mine, it was just all to easy and everything fell into place. And now, even though I have learned the "3-C's", I sometimes relapse, and fill like I failed God. He gave me this child to take care of, and I failed him. Maybe I couldn't have children for a reason. But, then I tell myself, that is me feeling sorry for myself...I was a stay at home mom, I was involved in his life. His dad coached his baseball team for 8 yrs. I missed only 1 game out of all those yrs. We did the best we knew how to do. So...how did it go so wrong?
Everything was great up till the age 16. Started hanging out with someone we all "thought" was ok. And...basicly its been the same since. He has had some issues which leaves him feeling sorry for himself, and I used them as well to excuse his behavior for a while. #1 He is adopted for one (he always knew, he was 5 days old when we got him). But he tells his girlfriend (my own mom didn't want me) #2 8th grade he developed cronic back pain due to curviture of the spine. He was given muscle relaxers etc. (which I kept locked up, /and has been told he may have to live with the pain). #3 dispite the back problems his main goal in life was to be an army ranger, all he ever dreamed or talked about. But, finally was told by recruiters(would not listen to mom) he was disqualified because the curve was to great. So...according to him, he has "been through alot". This is how he justify's!.
The first time I caught him I tried to buy him back from the drugs (new dirt bike, so he would hang out with good kids that I knew road). Well, Ok...live and learn! That didn't work!! He ran off a few times, and I would beg him back. Then about 2 months before he turned 18 I found a bottle of Hydrocodone in his room (have found mushrooms/pot/coke) He actually asked for them back. I said "no, they are highly addicting" He left, came back a few hours later and said "Im moving out then" I said "whatever...but just know, Im not begging you back this time". (was able to say that because of SR and all my reading on here) And, I didn't.
Sorry, this is way to long. But, anyway...he is working, has recently been kicked out of his appartment for skipping rent! He now lives with girlfriend and her dad. He started with cocaine because pot made him sick!!! But, evidently it doesn't anymore because he smokes pot everyday, not sure how much of everything else he does. Pretty sure his DOC is what ever he can get his hands on.
There it is, for the most part. Sorry so long!!!
(excuse my spelling on here!)
I am going to try to begin "my story" now.
I was married for 7 yrs. and could not have children. I had no problem with adoption, so within a month of deciding that is what we will do, believe it or not (and this is through an adoption agency) we had our sweet baby boy. It all happened so quickly (almost to fast) that I truly took him as my gift from God, this boy was mint to be mine, it was just all to easy and everything fell into place. And now, even though I have learned the "3-C's", I sometimes relapse, and fill like I failed God. He gave me this child to take care of, and I failed him. Maybe I couldn't have children for a reason. But, then I tell myself, that is me feeling sorry for myself...I was a stay at home mom, I was involved in his life. His dad coached his baseball team for 8 yrs. I missed only 1 game out of all those yrs. We did the best we knew how to do. So...how did it go so wrong?
Everything was great up till the age 16. Started hanging out with someone we all "thought" was ok. And...basicly its been the same since. He has had some issues which leaves him feeling sorry for himself, and I used them as well to excuse his behavior for a while. #1 He is adopted for one (he always knew, he was 5 days old when we got him). But he tells his girlfriend (my own mom didn't want me) #2 8th grade he developed cronic back pain due to curviture of the spine. He was given muscle relaxers etc. (which I kept locked up, /and has been told he may have to live with the pain). #3 dispite the back problems his main goal in life was to be an army ranger, all he ever dreamed or talked about. But, finally was told by recruiters(would not listen to mom) he was disqualified because the curve was to great. So...according to him, he has "been through alot". This is how he justify's!.
The first time I caught him I tried to buy him back from the drugs (new dirt bike, so he would hang out with good kids that I knew road). Well, Ok...live and learn! That didn't work!! He ran off a few times, and I would beg him back. Then about 2 months before he turned 18 I found a bottle of Hydrocodone in his room (have found mushrooms/pot/coke) He actually asked for them back. I said "no, they are highly addicting" He left, came back a few hours later and said "Im moving out then" I said "whatever...but just know, Im not begging you back this time". (was able to say that because of SR and all my reading on here) And, I didn't.
Sorry, this is way to long. But, anyway...he is working, has recently been kicked out of his appartment for skipping rent! He now lives with girlfriend and her dad. He started with cocaine because pot made him sick!!! But, evidently it doesn't anymore because he smokes pot everyday, not sure how much of everything else he does. Pretty sure his DOC is what ever he can get his hands on.
There it is, for the most part. Sorry so long!!!
(excuse my spelling on here!)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Sofardown, that's a beautiful story, and it's so true. We are all good, and evil at times too. I too am the mother of an addict, and it is truly a heartache. Keep posting here, you will learn alot, and will get alot of support from other mom's going through the same struggle as you. Keep coming back. I love this site, and it's helped me so much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 217
Sofardown...i feel your heartache. My 22 year old AS has put me over the edge once again with his drug troubles. I come here because I know that there are so many of us in the same boat. The support I feel here is so wonderful. It helps me get through my day. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 9
SoFarDown, I love the story of the two wolves. I had heard it on a retreat. Thank you for posting it. I too am the mom of an addict. I was filled with such a sense of loss when I realized that my son was an addict. I have been fortunate to find SR and nar-anon to learn to let go of the need to control my AS and support him without enabling. I wish you well and we're all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am so happy u shared. welcome to S.R. we are here for you. all of us have an addict in our life that we love & we walk that road together. my son is also my addict.
please keep coming back. i am sorry you are going thur this. i hope the good wins with your son & with us all. prayers for you both,
please keep coming back. i am sorry you are going thur this. i hope the good wins with your son & with us all. prayers for you both,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome ((((Sofardown)))
I am the mom of a 23 year old addict...discovered this at 19.
After reading here I realized it was nothing of MY doing.
I too, did everything I knew to be a good attentive mom. But there comes a time that we have to hold our breath, cross our fingers and pray like mad that they make good decisions.
I have learned so much by listening to those here who have been there, done that. I needed "permission" to do what was so very hard...let him make decisions, good or bad, so that he could grow, and learn.
Again, welcome...we saved a seat for you
((((Hugs)))
I am the mom of a 23 year old addict...discovered this at 19.
After reading here I realized it was nothing of MY doing.
I too, did everything I knew to be a good attentive mom. But there comes a time that we have to hold our breath, cross our fingers and pray like mad that they make good decisions.
I have learned so much by listening to those here who have been there, done that. I needed "permission" to do what was so very hard...let him make decisions, good or bad, so that he could grow, and learn.
Again, welcome...we saved a seat for you
((((Hugs)))
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Sofardown-
Another mom here to welcome you.
I have learned that addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer. I have made myself STOP feeling guilty, responsible and do not play the "if only" game.
I regularly attend al-anon group just for parents and I see that Kids from every type of home situation- good, bad, functional + dysfunctional become addicts.
My son is almost 25. He has just completed his 3rd inpatient rehab that was a yr. long and is now living for an additional 6 mos. in sober living home.
Addiction is like the tortoise not the hare.
Hang in there, keep hope alive.
All three times that my son entered rehab it was only at my persistent urging.
Hopefully, he will stay sober this time because it is time for him to do it because he wants to.
Working my own program through alanon keeps me moving forward in my own life.
No matter what goes on with my son, I have to live the joyful life I am meant to have
Keep posting and sharing. It helps. We learn to focus on ourselves for starters.
Another mom here to welcome you.
I have learned that addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer. I have made myself STOP feeling guilty, responsible and do not play the "if only" game.
I regularly attend al-anon group just for parents and I see that Kids from every type of home situation- good, bad, functional + dysfunctional become addicts.
My son is almost 25. He has just completed his 3rd inpatient rehab that was a yr. long and is now living for an additional 6 mos. in sober living home.
Addiction is like the tortoise not the hare.
Hang in there, keep hope alive.
All three times that my son entered rehab it was only at my persistent urging.
Hopefully, he will stay sober this time because it is time for him to do it because he wants to.
Working my own program through alanon keeps me moving forward in my own life.
No matter what goes on with my son, I have to live the joyful life I am meant to have
Keep posting and sharing. It helps. We learn to focus on ourselves for starters.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Hi, and welcome,
I'm also a mom of an addict (20 year old daughter - crack (heroin ?- I think she's still off that (suboxone) but who knows).
It is very clear to me from your story that your son's birth parent(s) were addicts and simply gave him the genetic code for this disease (as I gave it to my AD - I'm in recovery). so if you really believe the three C's, you will imediately let yourself off the hook and stop looking for reasons. He also sounds like he might have some depression on board with all that self-pity. You are a good mom. Keep emailing the positive stuff for as long as he keeps receiving it. I had heard the wolf story at a meeting once. It's very true. the disease of addiction is the bad wolf and its voice is very loud, as is its hunger. Prayer is a good weapon, BTW.
I'm also a mom of an addict (20 year old daughter - crack (heroin ?- I think she's still off that (suboxone) but who knows).
It is very clear to me from your story that your son's birth parent(s) were addicts and simply gave him the genetic code for this disease (as I gave it to my AD - I'm in recovery). so if you really believe the three C's, you will imediately let yourself off the hook and stop looking for reasons. He also sounds like he might have some depression on board with all that self-pity. You are a good mom. Keep emailing the positive stuff for as long as he keeps receiving it. I had heard the wolf story at a meeting once. It's very true. the disease of addiction is the bad wolf and its voice is very loud, as is its hunger. Prayer is a good weapon, BTW.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 21
well...you all got lucky! I wrote a ton of stuff, and somehow I made it all disappear!
I want to thank everyone so much. You may not know it since I never posted, just "lurked". But when this all started, I wanted to curl into a ball and die. I wouldn't leave the house, and when I did it was to buy grocerys. Then at times I would have to leave the store with my cart full because the tears would start, I wouldn't answer the phone. I was a wreck! My husband does not wish to ever talk about it. He is more of a silent sufferer. I know he is in pain, they use to do (everything) together. Hunt,fish,snowboard,baseball, and now nothing, if they even speak it is a quick "hello", and an "I love you" when he leaves. We (us and son) have always said " I love you" when we part and I am glad we do. But anyway...because of SR and reading Co Dependent No More I now function, smile, do things, actually live! I still have my moments I cry by just thinking of the sadness of it all.
I would love to write more, but busy day to day. Again thank you all. And, when I have more time I will figure out this forum, and my notification thing, all that. If I do not get back to you guys it is because I just have not explored all I can do on here. I do intend to!!
I want to thank everyone so much. You may not know it since I never posted, just "lurked". But when this all started, I wanted to curl into a ball and die. I wouldn't leave the house, and when I did it was to buy grocerys. Then at times I would have to leave the store with my cart full because the tears would start, I wouldn't answer the phone. I was a wreck! My husband does not wish to ever talk about it. He is more of a silent sufferer. I know he is in pain, they use to do (everything) together. Hunt,fish,snowboard,baseball, and now nothing, if they even speak it is a quick "hello", and an "I love you" when he leaves. We (us and son) have always said " I love you" when we part and I am glad we do. But anyway...because of SR and reading Co Dependent No More I now function, smile, do things, actually live! I still have my moments I cry by just thinking of the sadness of it all.
I would love to write more, but busy day to day. Again thank you all. And, when I have more time I will figure out this forum, and my notification thing, all that. If I do not get back to you guys it is because I just have not explored all I can do on here. I do intend to!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Missouri
Posts: 80
Welcome sofardown,
I have allot of people in my family who are addicts, most important are my two brothers.
My older brother died of a drug overdose almost 3 months ago, my younger half brother is currently in local jail, he is 25, older brother was 45.
You didnt do anything wrong, I used to do anything and everything, but I have learned its up to them to get the help they need.
Take care, tell him you love him and you will be there to support him in his recovery.
hugs,
sisofD
I have allot of people in my family who are addicts, most important are my two brothers.
My older brother died of a drug overdose almost 3 months ago, my younger half brother is currently in local jail, he is 25, older brother was 45.
You didnt do anything wrong, I used to do anything and everything, but I have learned its up to them to get the help they need.
Take care, tell him you love him and you will be there to support him in his recovery.
hugs,
sisofD
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hello sofardown. Welcome to the site. I have read that story before and thought it was so true. It's hard having a son on drugs no matter how you look at it. When my son put himself in rehab I went to counciling and alanon. That really, really helped me. I had no idea how codependant I was at all. My hubby joined me and it was so hard to admit to myself the damage I had done but helping my son all the time. Things are pretty good here now but I still live day by day. The pain of the last few years has really changed the way I look at life now and its so sad.....addiction knocked the wind out of me but I'm thankful my son is alive and productive and sooooo sorry for what he has put us through. I'm HOPING I can believe that. Be good to yourself and try and get your hubby to some meetings... Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by sleepygoat 
Hi, and welcome,
I'm also a mom of an addict (20 year old daughter - crack (heroin ?- I think she's still off that (suboxone) but who knows).
It is very clear to me from your story that your son's birth parent(s) were addicts and simply gave him the genetic code for this disease (as I gave it to my AD - I'm in recovery). so if you really believe the three C's, you will imediately let yourself off the hook and stop looking for reasons. He also sounds like he might have some depression on board with all that self-pity. You are a good mom. Keep emailing the positive stuff for as long as he keeps receiving it. I had heard the wolf story at a meeting once. It's very true. the disease of addiction is the bad wolf and its voice is very loud, as is its hunger. Prayer is a good weapon, BTW.
I'm also a mom of an addict (20 year old daughter - crack (heroin ?- I think she's still off that (suboxone) but who knows).
It is very clear to me from your story that your son's birth parent(s) were addicts and simply gave him the genetic code for this disease (as I gave it to my AD - I'm in recovery). so if you really believe the three C's, you will imediately let yourself off the hook and stop looking for reasons. He also sounds like he might have some depression on board with all that self-pity. You are a good mom. Keep emailing the positive stuff for as long as he keeps receiving it. I had heard the wolf story at a meeting once. It's very true. the disease of addiction is the bad wolf and its voice is very loud, as is its hunger. Prayer is a good weapon, BTW.
He is on anti depressants. But, did not start them till after he started the drugs. I ask him how is he going to know if the pills will help if he doesn't stay off the drugs long enough to find out.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Sofardown)))
Hi, welcome to S.R. Glad you found us...since we're all on the same crusie ship here...LOL
I am the mother of 2 AS's. One is 30, and had stopped using, although he STILL has addictive personality traits. (can you say...me me me) My other AS is 35, and is currently in prison for the next 2 years, drug related, for the 4th time.
In the beginning, which was a LONG time ago, I also had plenty of haunting questions: what did we do wrong, what did I do wrong, why did this happen, how can I fix it.....plenty of questions and plenty of guilt.
What I have learned from coming here and attending Alanon regularly is: What is, is.
No one on God's green Earth can "fix" an addict, they have to go solo with recovery. All we can do is to support them WHEN, and IF they decide to seek recovery.
Hugs to you from one mom to another.......
Hi, welcome to S.R. Glad you found us...since we're all on the same crusie ship here...LOL
I am the mother of 2 AS's. One is 30, and had stopped using, although he STILL has addictive personality traits. (can you say...me me me) My other AS is 35, and is currently in prison for the next 2 years, drug related, for the 4th time.
In the beginning, which was a LONG time ago, I also had plenty of haunting questions: what did we do wrong, what did I do wrong, why did this happen, how can I fix it.....plenty of questions and plenty of guilt.
What I have learned from coming here and attending Alanon regularly is: What is, is.
No one on God's green Earth can "fix" an addict, they have to go solo with recovery. All we can do is to support them WHEN, and IF they decide to seek recovery.
Hugs to you from one mom to another.......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Sofardown, Welcome to SR! I hope that besides SR (wonderful support!) that you and your H will try some f2f meetings. My daughter is the addict in my life, and even though the circumstances are different, I too felt that God gave her to me to raise, and somehow didn't do a very good job. Once I started the f2f meetings, I learned the 3 c's and was able to let go of the guilt trip I was on.
Keep posting, we're all in this together.
Hugs,
Chris
Keep posting, we're all in this together.
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
so far down,
You sound so much like myself. crying is a way of life. Cutting off friends and family, not wanting to admit there is a Problem. We are working thru this also,
Never have i been on a site such as this, but there is a wealth of info here.
My 19 year old has just returned after a 2 week absence. He claims he is done, but i know without rehab, this is just a hiatus. The demon will reappear. It is not that easy.
and i already see signs.
My husband is alot like yours. I urge you to check out some of the postings by a girl named "nytepassion". If you really want to understand, this will really open your eyes.
My husband would not and still will not seek help with this, but the letter from "Nytepassion" really moved him, well both of us, in understanding this dark world of addiction. Many here also, have a wealth of information.
Good luck,
You sound so much like myself. crying is a way of life. Cutting off friends and family, not wanting to admit there is a Problem. We are working thru this also,
Never have i been on a site such as this, but there is a wealth of info here.
My 19 year old has just returned after a 2 week absence. He claims he is done, but i know without rehab, this is just a hiatus. The demon will reappear. It is not that easy.
and i already see signs.
My husband is alot like yours. I urge you to check out some of the postings by a girl named "nytepassion". If you really want to understand, this will really open your eyes.
My husband would not and still will not seek help with this, but the letter from "Nytepassion" really moved him, well both of us, in understanding this dark world of addiction. Many here also, have a wealth of information.
Good luck,
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