is selfishness within
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: mtn home arkansas
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is selfishness within
it seems as though when she was drunk and/or high she was selfish, but now that she is sober and clean for 14month she is still just as selfish.
we were together for four years prior to her getting sober. When she wanted something it was her way or none. She would make me miserable until she got what she wanted. I thought maybe it was the fact that the alcohol and drugs were making her this way. We split for 2yrs.
Now she is sober and drug free for 14months and we are living together again. She moved in with me in Feb and prior to that i spent time on Sat. hanging with my mom for few hours. Since she moved in i have not seen my mom for more than 30min at a time when i pick my son up after work.
She got a pt job at a rehab center working night shift 5 to mid on Sat. She got mad at me for wanting to go spend a few hours with my mom this morning. Her reason was b/c she has to go to work at 5pm and thinks that we should spend the day together. She is always telling me that whatever we do is what i want to do. I feel like she is very selfish and self centered. she has to have all the attention and all has to revolve around her. If she doesn't want to go to town then i shouldn't. She threw a fit and even cried and tried to make me out to be the one that was in the wrong. I told her that i was having a really hard time understanding why she was so upset. I am the one who should be mad. We are to women....i know that offends some but....oh well. I have been with men and it is amazing that when i want to spend time with mom how much of a fight that it isn't. The man would go and visit with dad, help with the yard work whatever while the gals went shopping.
She can pick up and go see her mom when she wants, and i should not get mad b/c her mom is an hour away. The tables were turned the first time we lived together. She would leave and go hang with her mom and sis and i would stay home and wait on her. I would mention going to my moms who at that time was an hour from me and she would have every reason for me not to go.
i know this is not a couples therapy session but i am constantly getting the lecture of how she is always dealing with triggers and by getting upset over us is a trigger. Her palms sweat and hands ache, and she starts rubbing her head. I try not to argue with her but i am not going to stop being who i am b/c she wants to be selfish and have life revolve around her. Any suggestions would be nice.
Lost Heart
we were together for four years prior to her getting sober. When she wanted something it was her way or none. She would make me miserable until she got what she wanted. I thought maybe it was the fact that the alcohol and drugs were making her this way. We split for 2yrs.
Now she is sober and drug free for 14months and we are living together again. She moved in with me in Feb and prior to that i spent time on Sat. hanging with my mom for few hours. Since she moved in i have not seen my mom for more than 30min at a time when i pick my son up after work.
She got a pt job at a rehab center working night shift 5 to mid on Sat. She got mad at me for wanting to go spend a few hours with my mom this morning. Her reason was b/c she has to go to work at 5pm and thinks that we should spend the day together. She is always telling me that whatever we do is what i want to do. I feel like she is very selfish and self centered. she has to have all the attention and all has to revolve around her. If she doesn't want to go to town then i shouldn't. She threw a fit and even cried and tried to make me out to be the one that was in the wrong. I told her that i was having a really hard time understanding why she was so upset. I am the one who should be mad. We are to women....i know that offends some but....oh well. I have been with men and it is amazing that when i want to spend time with mom how much of a fight that it isn't. The man would go and visit with dad, help with the yard work whatever while the gals went shopping.
She can pick up and go see her mom when she wants, and i should not get mad b/c her mom is an hour away. The tables were turned the first time we lived together. She would leave and go hang with her mom and sis and i would stay home and wait on her. I would mention going to my moms who at that time was an hour from me and she would have every reason for me not to go.
i know this is not a couples therapy session but i am constantly getting the lecture of how she is always dealing with triggers and by getting upset over us is a trigger. Her palms sweat and hands ache, and she starts rubbing her head. I try not to argue with her but i am not going to stop being who i am b/c she wants to be selfish and have life revolve around her. Any suggestions would be nice.
Lost Heart
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It's only my own observation, but I think the addiction doesn't create it but rather uses a person's own inner selfishness (which for most is seldom a primary personality trait and more of a survival mechanism) in order to feed the addiction. Take away the substance driving the addiction, and the distorted personality created by the addiction remains.
They say no one is ever cured of addiction. You are always an addict. You are either recovering or not. If selfishness in your loved one remains, maybe it's because the addiction remains.
I ask this honestly out of ignorance of the addict's perspective...shouldn't part of her recovery be to change or control her selfish need to have her world, including you, revolve around her?
Maybe she thinks it's her right to be so selfish, but it is also your right not to participate and endulge her in that. You have every right to live as a person. You do not have to live for her and for her alone. I know you know this. Maybe you just needed to hear it again.
Peace.
Alice
They say no one is ever cured of addiction. You are always an addict. You are either recovering or not. If selfishness in your loved one remains, maybe it's because the addiction remains.
I ask this honestly out of ignorance of the addict's perspective...shouldn't part of her recovery be to change or control her selfish need to have her world, including you, revolve around her?
Maybe she thinks it's her right to be so selfish, but it is also your right not to participate and endulge her in that. You have every right to live as a person. You do not have to live for her and for her alone. I know you know this. Maybe you just needed to hear it again.
Peace.
Alice
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
As a recovering addict, I can say that my self-centeredness certainly didn't go away overnight. Each person's recovery is different.
However, some people are self-centered a$$holes even without drugs.
I question her being 14 months clean and not wanting to discuss any concerns you have over equality in the relationship because it 'triggers' her. If she's seriously working any sort of recovery, she'd be working on making some internal changes.
I went through a 30 day in-patient rehab, and it was back out into the real world to work and raise an 8 year old daughter by myself. There was no time to act like a spoiled controlling brat, which in my opinion, is what she's acting like.
I'd highly suggest finding Naranon or Alanon in your area for face-to-face support if you're wanting to continue this relationship.
This may be as good as it ever gets with her.
I hope you continue to post, and welcome to SR. :ghug :ghug
However, some people are self-centered a$$holes even without drugs.
I question her being 14 months clean and not wanting to discuss any concerns you have over equality in the relationship because it 'triggers' her. If she's seriously working any sort of recovery, she'd be working on making some internal changes.
I went through a 30 day in-patient rehab, and it was back out into the real world to work and raise an 8 year old daughter by myself. There was no time to act like a spoiled controlling brat, which in my opinion, is what she's acting like.
I'd highly suggest finding Naranon or Alanon in your area for face-to-face support if you're wanting to continue this relationship.
This may be as good as it ever gets with her.
I hope you continue to post, and welcome to SR. :ghug :ghug
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I agree with Freedom (I'm also in recovery). At 14 months, yes there will still be triggers, but what she is doing is pure manipulation when she says fighting with you triggers her. she knows how to stay clean and she is solely responsible for her recovery and whether or not she uses - not you. As far as the self-centeredness; According to the NA Basic Text, "Self-Centeredness is the core of our disease". So it does take time to get better. At 14 months, if going to meetings and working with a sponsor, she might have an idea the world doesn't revolve around her,but truthfully - I betcha she really doesn't see her own behavior at all. I bet she really doesn't even know she is self-centered. for me, that required working steps 4, 5, 6, (by then I got it!) and 7. so its' unlikely she's there yet, at 14 months. I had no idea how my own behavior effected other people. I was clueless. I only knew how to rationalize and justify and blame others. Sound familiar?
Question: Are you willing to wait until (or if) she works enough of a recovery program to look at her part in things? If not, then its either leave or accept her exactyly as she is now, just for today.
Question: Are you willing to wait until (or if) she works enough of a recovery program to look at her part in things? If not, then its either leave or accept her exactyly as she is now, just for today.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: mtn home arkansas
Posts: 39
thank you all for your input.
I am honestly confused at what my life is suppose to be like now that i am living with a recoveree. She knew before we hooked up that i go out with my parents maybe once every month or longer. She does not want me to go out with them anymore even if she is at her moms. She says that her partner should not be in a bar when she is a recovering alcoholic.
She says that she would rather be there with me even though she should not be in a bar as for me to be there alone with my parents. I have went many times with my mom, and we always leave at midnight. We love to dance. I have two drinks all night and my dad who does not drink at all is the driver. Is this wrong for me to want to continue living my life as i did before she moved in? I told her that i would never ask her to go to the bar with me and i would never leave her sitting at home alone while i went. I have never went home with anyone from the bar when i was single and don't go to be picked up at all.
i have posted on the family site but i feel that talking with those that are recovering give me better insight. She told me that her sobriety is causing me more pain than she ever thought that it would. I asked her if my life was suppose to revolve around her and her sobriety and she flat out said yes, that is the way it is suppose to work. I am suppose to make her feel secure every day and never should she feel lonely and feel as though she is being asked to compromise her sobriety. I would never do that, i am proud of her but i don't want to feel as though i am to stop being me as well.
She is still talking with all of her past exs and drug related buddies. She told me last night that she will never stop talking to them bc they are her friends. My dads bday is today and they went out last night and he was upset b/c i told him that i was not going b/c she was home. He feels that she should be understanding enough to be okay with me going for a few hours to hang with the gang. I am 38 this year and those that i hang with at the bar are all over 50. I love the gang. We fought last night over the fact that i would love to have went, but didn't.
Please help me analyze this and try to find a solution.
I am honestly confused at what my life is suppose to be like now that i am living with a recoveree. She knew before we hooked up that i go out with my parents maybe once every month or longer. She does not want me to go out with them anymore even if she is at her moms. She says that her partner should not be in a bar when she is a recovering alcoholic.
She says that she would rather be there with me even though she should not be in a bar as for me to be there alone with my parents. I have went many times with my mom, and we always leave at midnight. We love to dance. I have two drinks all night and my dad who does not drink at all is the driver. Is this wrong for me to want to continue living my life as i did before she moved in? I told her that i would never ask her to go to the bar with me and i would never leave her sitting at home alone while i went. I have never went home with anyone from the bar when i was single and don't go to be picked up at all.
i have posted on the family site but i feel that talking with those that are recovering give me better insight. She told me that her sobriety is causing me more pain than she ever thought that it would. I asked her if my life was suppose to revolve around her and her sobriety and she flat out said yes, that is the way it is suppose to work. I am suppose to make her feel secure every day and never should she feel lonely and feel as though she is being asked to compromise her sobriety. I would never do that, i am proud of her but i don't want to feel as though i am to stop being me as well.
She is still talking with all of her past exs and drug related buddies. She told me last night that she will never stop talking to them bc they are her friends. My dads bday is today and they went out last night and he was upset b/c i told him that i was not going b/c she was home. He feels that she should be understanding enough to be okay with me going for a few hours to hang with the gang. I am 38 this year and those that i hang with at the bar are all over 50. I love the gang. We fought last night over the fact that i would love to have went, but didn't.
Please help me analyze this and try to find a solution.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
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I don't know...I look at your posts and take addiction out of the equation and ask what is it that you see in this person? Are you happy in this relationship or hanging on for what you hope it will become? I've found when I stop looking at things the way I want to make them, and look at them as they are, I am in a better position to figure out if I need to change anything.
If someone wanted to control me that much, I'd be questioning why I was there. But that's just me...It just doesn't sound like much fun and you have only been living together for less than 2 months.
If someone wanted to control me that much, I'd be questioning why I was there. But that's just me...It just doesn't sound like much fun and you have only been living together for less than 2 months.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by lostheart 
I asked her if my life was suppose to revolve around her and her sobriety and she flat out said yes, that is the way it is suppose to work. I am suppose to make her feel secure every day and never should she feel lonely and feel as though she is being asked to compromise her sobriety.
Originally Posted by lostheart
She is still talking with all of her past exs and drug related buddies. She told me last night that she will never stop talking to them bc they are her friends.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I know my son was clean for 5 months before his last relapse and geeze just once i would like to have spent time with him without it all be centered around what he wanted. No one upset the addict - they may use and it will be all our fault. You know what, screw that - everyone has to give and take. We dont trigger them - we're not responsible for what triggers them and if we did have some power to trigger them then its up to them to deal with it not us.
If my son gets upset because i'm doing something that has nothing to do with him then its up to him to figure out how to deal with it. Its not like you're going out partying - you're going to see your mother for goodness sakes and if that is a trigger for your partner then she's putting way too much pressure on you for her own sobriety. It just really sounds like its time for her to grow up and the best way she can do that is if you stop babying her which will force her to either act like a grown woman or go.
If my son gets upset because i'm doing something that has nothing to do with him then its up to him to figure out how to deal with it. Its not like you're going out partying - you're going to see your mother for goodness sakes and if that is a trigger for your partner then she's putting way too much pressure on you for her own sobriety. It just really sounds like its time for her to grow up and the best way she can do that is if you stop babying her which will force her to either act like a grown woman or go.
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Location: mtn home arkansas
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My mom likes to go out drinking and dancing once in a while and i love to go out with her and her friends. they are all over 50 but they know how to have fun, and we leave at midnight. I won't go if she is home b/c i won't leave her sitting home alone while i go out ( I remember those days with her and how i felt) although i don't get wasted and violent. I most definately wont ask her to go out with me, but b/c of that she thinks that i am ashamed of her and that is not the case at all. I am just not going to be responsible for her sitting in a bar when i know how much she lived for them at one time.
I am in a hard spot here. I want to continue to be able to enjoy going out dancing with my mom but want to respect my partners sobriety as well.
I am in a hard spot here. I want to continue to be able to enjoy going out dancing with my mom but want to respect my partners sobriety as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by lostheart
I am in a hard spot here. I want to continue to be able to enjoy going out dancing with my mom but want to respect my partners sobriety as well.
I know if someone gave me the choice between them or spending time with my family, well that someone would be sitting on the street with suitcase in hand.
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should she go into a bar in all reality? I think she only wants to go b/c she is jealous and knows that i may be asked to dance. I have never went home with anyone from the bar...EVER.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
Her issues belong to her, not you. You can't cure her, if you give in and only do the things she wants you to do now she will continue to up the ante and demand you give up more and more of yourself. One of the first flags of an abusive relationship is the abuser cutting the person from everyone they love because they are afraid those people will see the abuse for what it is. You can't control how she acts,but you can contorl how you respond to it.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I used to think jealousy was cool. My EXAH was a very jealous person. I thought that meant he loved me...I was his. Sick, sick, sick I was!
In reality he was a controlling a$$hole, and I had so little self-esteem I was willing to settle for that, and much worse things to come.
Today no one dictates what I do/don't do except me, and I like it that way just fine.
In reality he was a controlling a$$hole, and I had so little self-esteem I was willing to settle for that, and much worse things to come.
Today no one dictates what I do/don't do except me, and I like it that way just fine.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: eastern Wyoming
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I know if someone gave me the choice between them or spending time with my family, well that someone would be sitting on the street with suitcase in hand.
I also like the suggestion to take the addiction out of the picture.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Longview,
Noboby and Nobody should ever have this much control over you. This is really unhealthy, I don't know where in god's name she came up with this is the way Soberity works. You have to step up to the plate here and put your foot down...you go and do what you want. It seems to me as well very abusive.
Does she work a program, I know you said she works at a Recovery Center but is she really working the program. I too see red flags here.
Rose
Noboby and Nobody should ever have this much control over you. This is really unhealthy, I don't know where in god's name she came up with this is the way Soberity works. You have to step up to the plate here and put your foot down...you go and do what you want. It seems to me as well very abusive.
Does she work a program, I know you said she works at a Recovery Center but is she really working the program. I too see red flags here.
Rose
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Location: mtn home arkansas
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OMGosh
we just had a huge fight before she left for work. she is still has the idea that i should be completely sober as her partner. Never drink again. If i go to the bar with my mom then i should be required to drink non alcoholic. She says that as her sober partner i should be her sponsor.
I told her that i felt as if she was making me choose between my mom and one of the few things that we get to do together and being her sober sponsoring partner. I will be the first to admit that i enjoy a cold one now and then but i don't do it on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis.
She told me that as her partner that i should not have a problem going without a drink if i don't have a drinking problem.
She then said that if she goes with me to the bar and that is okay with me then it should be okay with me when she goes to visit her mom that she go out with her friends that she hung out with before sobriety. These include those that she done meth with.
I told her she is an adult and knows her sobriety limitations and if she felt she needed to go then go. That was her way of starting another fight and i did not let it happen. She says that she has not spoken to a counselor yet about this b/c she knows they will tell her to leave me b/c she can't be with someone that has an occasional drink even if it is once every month. I have not been out since Halloween and have had only one beer with my mom after a hard day of clearing brush at her house. I think that is darn good for a partner of recovering alcoholic and it was not in front of her or around her at all.
am i wrong for wanting to have a drink not in her prescence even though she is recovering?
we just had a huge fight before she left for work. she is still has the idea that i should be completely sober as her partner. Never drink again. If i go to the bar with my mom then i should be required to drink non alcoholic. She says that as her sober partner i should be her sponsor.
I told her that i felt as if she was making me choose between my mom and one of the few things that we get to do together and being her sober sponsoring partner. I will be the first to admit that i enjoy a cold one now and then but i don't do it on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis.
She told me that as her partner that i should not have a problem going without a drink if i don't have a drinking problem.
She then said that if she goes with me to the bar and that is okay with me then it should be okay with me when she goes to visit her mom that she go out with her friends that she hung out with before sobriety. These include those that she done meth with.
I told her she is an adult and knows her sobriety limitations and if she felt she needed to go then go. That was her way of starting another fight and i did not let it happen. She says that she has not spoken to a counselor yet about this b/c she knows they will tell her to leave me b/c she can't be with someone that has an occasional drink even if it is once every month. I have not been out since Halloween and have had only one beer with my mom after a hard day of clearing brush at her house. I think that is darn good for a partner of recovering alcoholic and it was not in front of her or around her at all.
am i wrong for wanting to have a drink not in her prescence even though she is recovering?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by lostheart
She says that as her sober partner i should be her sponsor.
She then said that if she goes with me to the bar and that is okay with me then it should be okay with me when she goes to visit her mom that she go out with her friends that she hung out with before sobriety. These include those that she done meth with.
She says that she has not spoken to a counselor yet about this b/c she knows they will tell her to leave me b/c she can't be with someone that has an occasional drink even if it is once every month.
She then said that if she goes with me to the bar and that is okay with me then it should be okay with me when she goes to visit her mom that she go out with her friends that she hung out with before sobriety. These include those that she done meth with.
She says that she has not spoken to a counselor yet about this b/c she knows they will tell her to leave me b/c she can't be with someone that has an occasional drink even if it is once every month.
You are being fed a line of BS a mile long. You can't have an occasional drink but she can hang with her meth buddies. Give me a break.
Good luck. You're going to need it.
If she hasn't relapsed yet, it's coming soon.
Then the fun will really begin. Fasten your seatbelt.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Oh, please! She's is not recovering... she is controlling... YOU! You know what is right and wrong. You know what makes you happy. You know who you are... don't let her define that for you! She either wants to be sober and healthy and with you as you are or she doesn't.
Take care of you and live your life. You deserve it and you don't deserve to feel guilty/bad about that. Spend your time dancing, with your family or doing whatever you want to do. There are so many things in life that we HAVE to do. When we have the chance to have fun and do what we WANT to do... then we need to do it! Enjoy.
Take care of you and live your life. You deserve it and you don't deserve to feel guilty/bad about that. Spend your time dancing, with your family or doing whatever you want to do. There are so many things in life that we HAVE to do. When we have the chance to have fun and do what we WANT to do... then we need to do it! Enjoy.
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