I want to leave this madness!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Brockton, Ma
Posts: 41
I want to leave this madness!
Hello all,
It's been awhile since I've posted here.
My A went into detox on New Year's Day. He appeared to be going along and making strides with his recovery. I'd only visited him a few times but, we spoke often via the phone. I mailed him items he needed from time to time.
The day he left his 28 day program and went to a half-way house he fell and unfortunately broke his leg. He was subsequently housed in a hospital for the homeless. He seemed to be adjusting well and filling out government forms for SSI. While in the 28 day program he was diagnosed as bi-polar with depression.
Prior to breaking his leg he was prepared to get a job so he could live in a structured environment. Then the real nightmare took place: he was told he had to leave the hospital for the homeless as he was no longer considered to have a real medical condition. They literally gave him a choice of seeing his orthopedic doctor or go to a wet shelter. I put him up in a hotel for a week and he made dozens of phone calls to everyone and every agency to get help until he could walk on his leg. No help came.
He had found a half-way house that costs a particular amount so... I sent him funds to get into the house, secure transportation and spending money.
You guessed it.....he proceeded to get so bloody drunk that he was thrown out of both the hotel and a local hospital.
He was so verbally abusive to me and others and brought back to my mind how bad living with alcholism and drug addiction truly is.
He called me in the middle of the night to insist I come and get him. I called his former wife and said I will not do this alone and she was kind enough to get him and between her, his sister and myself we got him back to his detox starting point.
The hook here is his telling me it was the only way he could get back into the system until his leg healed. I said he's full of C__P! I promised myself I would end this relationship with the first drink he put into his mouth.
I expressed many times to him over the last week my feeling he has to do this on his own now. It doesn't matter how much love their is or isn't...he's got to go through this by himself for himself. I sent him a couple of items he needed but refused to go to see him to bring him other things. I DO NOT WISH TO EVER RETURN TO THE MADNESS.
I understand the system put him back onto the streets but the system is only what it is. To say "I only drank to get to a safe place until my leg heals" is complete insanity to me?
Please will someone tell me that I'm not the one who's crazy here or should I be looking at this differently? He's a Jekyll and Hyde when he's drunk. I truly was beginning to forget how bad he was but, I do not want to live my life like this anymore.
Thanks.
Alphawoman
It's been awhile since I've posted here.
My A went into detox on New Year's Day. He appeared to be going along and making strides with his recovery. I'd only visited him a few times but, we spoke often via the phone. I mailed him items he needed from time to time.
The day he left his 28 day program and went to a half-way house he fell and unfortunately broke his leg. He was subsequently housed in a hospital for the homeless. He seemed to be adjusting well and filling out government forms for SSI. While in the 28 day program he was diagnosed as bi-polar with depression.
Prior to breaking his leg he was prepared to get a job so he could live in a structured environment. Then the real nightmare took place: he was told he had to leave the hospital for the homeless as he was no longer considered to have a real medical condition. They literally gave him a choice of seeing his orthopedic doctor or go to a wet shelter. I put him up in a hotel for a week and he made dozens of phone calls to everyone and every agency to get help until he could walk on his leg. No help came.
He had found a half-way house that costs a particular amount so... I sent him funds to get into the house, secure transportation and spending money.
You guessed it.....he proceeded to get so bloody drunk that he was thrown out of both the hotel and a local hospital.
He was so verbally abusive to me and others and brought back to my mind how bad living with alcholism and drug addiction truly is.
He called me in the middle of the night to insist I come and get him. I called his former wife and said I will not do this alone and she was kind enough to get him and between her, his sister and myself we got him back to his detox starting point.
The hook here is his telling me it was the only way he could get back into the system until his leg healed. I said he's full of C__P! I promised myself I would end this relationship with the first drink he put into his mouth.
I expressed many times to him over the last week my feeling he has to do this on his own now. It doesn't matter how much love their is or isn't...he's got to go through this by himself for himself. I sent him a couple of items he needed but refused to go to see him to bring him other things. I DO NOT WISH TO EVER RETURN TO THE MADNESS.
I understand the system put him back onto the streets but the system is only what it is. To say "I only drank to get to a safe place until my leg heals" is complete insanity to me?
Please will someone tell me that I'm not the one who's crazy here or should I be looking at this differently? He's a Jekyll and Hyde when he's drunk. I truly was beginning to forget how bad he was but, I do not want to live my life like this anymore.
Thanks.
Alphawoman
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by Alphawoman 
I do not want to live my life like this anymore.
All you really need to know you stated in your last sentence..."I do not want to live my life like this anymore". Thankfully, it is within your control to live it in a way you do want to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I do not want to live my life like this anymore.
I don't blame you!
Stand by your decision - he drank so you are through. It's all about YOU!
In my clinical rotations I saw a guy who had a friend run over his foot so he could get pain meds. He shattered his metatarsals and his tarsals and will never walk normally again. All to feed an addiciton. So don't be surprised - accept that this insanity is how he chooses to live and how he chooses to handle his alcoholism - and make your plans accordingly.
What's going on for you? What's your plan?
peace and gentle (((hugs)))
b
I don't blame you!
Stand by your decision - he drank so you are through. It's all about YOU!
In my clinical rotations I saw a guy who had a friend run over his foot so he could get pain meds. He shattered his metatarsals and his tarsals and will never walk normally again. All to feed an addiciton. So don't be surprised - accept that this insanity is how he chooses to live and how he chooses to handle his alcoholism - and make your plans accordingly.
What's going on for you? What's your plan?
peace and gentle (((hugs)))
b
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Alphawoman
I put him up in a hotel for a week and he made dozens of phone calls to everyone and every agency to get help until he could walk on his leg.
He had found a half-way house that costs a particular amount so... I sent him funds to get into the house, secure transportation and spending money.
You guessed it.....he proceeded to get so bloody drunk that he was thrown out of both the hotel and a local hospital.
He was so verbally abusive to me and others and brought back to my mind how bad living with alcholism and drug addiction truly is.
He called me in the middle of the night to insist I come and get him. I called his former wife and said I will not do this alone and she was kind enough to get him and between her, his sister and myself we got him back to his detox starting point.
The hook here is his telling me it was the only way he could get back into the system until his leg healed. I said he's full of C__P! I promised myself I would end this relationship with the first drink he put into his mouth.
I sent him a couple of items he needed but refused to go to see him to bring him other things.
He had found a half-way house that costs a particular amount so... I sent him funds to get into the house, secure transportation and spending money.
You guessed it.....he proceeded to get so bloody drunk that he was thrown out of both the hotel and a local hospital.
He was so verbally abusive to me and others and brought back to my mind how bad living with alcholism and drug addiction truly is.
He called me in the middle of the night to insist I come and get him. I called his former wife and said I will not do this alone and she was kind enough to get him and between her, his sister and myself we got him back to his detox starting point.
The hook here is his telling me it was the only way he could get back into the system until his leg healed. I said he's full of C__P! I promised myself I would end this relationship with the first drink he put into his mouth.
I sent him a couple of items he needed but refused to go to see him to bring him other things.
My question is, are you really done? I don't know how much money you've shelled out since the first of the year, and I don't want to know.
My question is, are you really done? I'm not quite sure why it was necessary for the ex-wife, the sister, and you to come to his rescue in the middle of the night because he demanded it? For me, shelling out the money for the halfway house that he intentionally used for a jolly good drunk would have prohibited me from lifting another finger for his sake!
My question is, are you really done? Someone else can send him the things he 'needs', no? I didn't see any consideration from him for your 'needs' while he was swilling alcohol with the money for the halfway house, did you?
If you're truly done, cut off all contact, no calls, no sending him anything.
Then look into some Alanon meetings or counseling for yourself if you haven't already so you don't repeat the same pattern with someone else.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You cannot fix him, alphawoman, because he refuses to help himself.
Your choices are to continue to pour time, energy, money, and compassion down this bottomless pit, or cut him loose to make his own choices, suffer the repercussions, and otherwise live his own life, even if you find it a sad life.
You are not responsible for him. If you want your serenity, you are going to have to let him go. You will NEVER have it as long as you see yourself as his rescuer.
Your choices are to continue to pour time, energy, money, and compassion down this bottomless pit, or cut him loose to make his own choices, suffer the repercussions, and otherwise live his own life, even if you find it a sad life.
You are not responsible for him. If you want your serenity, you are going to have to let him go. You will NEVER have it as long as you see yourself as his rescuer.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
The hook here is his telling me it was the only way he could get back into the system until his leg healed. I said he's full of C__P.............................................. ...I understand the system put him back onto the streets but the system is only what it is. To say "I only drank to get to a safe place until my leg heals" is complete insanity to me?
Now I'm not saying this is what your A did, maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but you know the 12 step programs talk a lot about being willing to go to any lengths to stay sober and clean, and possible with some fog still in his head and his brain mushy, it did seem like a logical idea to do this. I know I had some pretty crazy thoughts in my first months of recovery and did some pretty crazy things, and why I didn't drink and/or use is any one's guess in those early months.
And yes, The System, in most states does suck big time.
Now as to you, you have to decide for you, just what you want in your life. What boundaries you are willing to bend and what you aren't. Do you want to live your life with that little teeny badgering 'mistrust' in the back of your head or not.
You won't know if he is really serious for some time. His ACTIONS (which right now stink) will show how serious he is. Some changes may come quickly others slowly, but you will be able to see by his overall ACTIONS, not his WORDS, just how serious he is about recovery.
In the meantime, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very very much.
Love and hugs,
ps. I have seen people start to detox, get sick, go to a detox and be told their BAC wasn't high enough to be admitted. They go back and drink just to get the BAC high enough and then some make it to detox and some don't. I have seen a lot of our 'wonderful system' in my almost 28 years of sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Brockton, Ma
Posts: 41
Thanks Laurie.
I was going to leave this relationship last year. I gave him another chance to get clean and sober. He even came to work at the same place as I work. He just quit the drugs but not the alcohol. He got fired by the fall. He was drinking so heavily that I would not visit him at his residence but continued to help him emotionally and financially. He was arrested and went back to working a job that was not a good environment for him. There are definitely two distinctly different sides to his personality and when he's drinking it always ends up I did something wrong!
I took him to detox in Jan. and he seemed to be doing well within a structured environment. I do know how much the system fails people especially as he's got the dual dependency thing. During his stay at this hotel he made mention he did not drink because he couldn't let himself down. By the end of the weekend he'd made up his mind to get the BAC up so he could get back into the system. I respect his right to have made that decision. The thing is I don't agree with it being in his best interests for the long haul as his liver is already compromised, he's on meds for bi-polar and depression and he's been an A for ? 30 yrs. on and off.
I know I've tried to rescue him and I've only myself to blame. In many ways I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not having taken a stronger stand long before now. What kind of a life can any couple expect to have if things are not discussed openly before an action is to be taken? He absolutely refuses to look at his decision as anything but the right one and asked me if I had gone completely insane.
The last 2 1/2 years of my life have been more chaotic, heartbreaking and dangerous than any others in my lifetime. I realize I'm the only one who can make decisions for myself and maybe I'm all wrong about my A but, I don't think he's going to change unless he does this all by himself. I've been there at every moment for 2 1/2 years and I don't see that it has been positive for him because getting drunk was his first action. He said he didn't tell me because he knew I would vehemently disagree with him. He was right!
But for the grace of God go I for sure. I pray he makes it without me, by himself and for himself. Maybe in the years to come he'll be all that I truly believe he can be. It's between God and him.
As for myself....I know, without any doubt, that I can no longer go on living like the bottom is going to cave in at any moment any longer. By AARP standards I'm a senior citizen and I want some peace of mind before I leave this earth plane.
Thank you so much for your wisdom and your thoughtful prayers.
Alphawoman
I was going to leave this relationship last year. I gave him another chance to get clean and sober. He even came to work at the same place as I work. He just quit the drugs but not the alcohol. He got fired by the fall. He was drinking so heavily that I would not visit him at his residence but continued to help him emotionally and financially. He was arrested and went back to working a job that was not a good environment for him. There are definitely two distinctly different sides to his personality and when he's drinking it always ends up I did something wrong!
I took him to detox in Jan. and he seemed to be doing well within a structured environment. I do know how much the system fails people especially as he's got the dual dependency thing. During his stay at this hotel he made mention he did not drink because he couldn't let himself down. By the end of the weekend he'd made up his mind to get the BAC up so he could get back into the system. I respect his right to have made that decision. The thing is I don't agree with it being in his best interests for the long haul as his liver is already compromised, he's on meds for bi-polar and depression and he's been an A for ? 30 yrs. on and off.
I know I've tried to rescue him and I've only myself to blame. In many ways I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not having taken a stronger stand long before now. What kind of a life can any couple expect to have if things are not discussed openly before an action is to be taken? He absolutely refuses to look at his decision as anything but the right one and asked me if I had gone completely insane.
The last 2 1/2 years of my life have been more chaotic, heartbreaking and dangerous than any others in my lifetime. I realize I'm the only one who can make decisions for myself and maybe I'm all wrong about my A but, I don't think he's going to change unless he does this all by himself. I've been there at every moment for 2 1/2 years and I don't see that it has been positive for him because getting drunk was his first action. He said he didn't tell me because he knew I would vehemently disagree with him. He was right!
But for the grace of God go I for sure. I pray he makes it without me, by himself and for himself. Maybe in the years to come he'll be all that I truly believe he can be. It's between God and him.
As for myself....I know, without any doubt, that I can no longer go on living like the bottom is going to cave in at any moment any longer. By AARP standards I'm a senior citizen and I want some peace of mind before I leave this earth plane.
Thank you so much for your wisdom and your thoughtful prayers.
Alphawoman
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
((( alphawoman )))
Peace to you.
Your life is much, much bigger than just this situation. It is a small sphere floating in a massive universe of possibility and dreams that are there for the taking. Step back, look at the big picture: what do you want to do with the gift of the time you have left here on this planet?
Peace to you.
Your life is much, much bigger than just this situation. It is a small sphere floating in a massive universe of possibility and dreams that are there for the taking. Step back, look at the big picture: what do you want to do with the gift of the time you have left here on this planet?
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