Newcomer Needs Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Goleta, CA
Posts: 7
Newcomer Needs Help
Hi guys,
I've been a lurker of these boards for about 6 months now but haven't ever reached out much to others for advice. I feel that I really have nobody to talk to especially not my sponsor because I haven't told him I've relapsed yet.
I've battled with a very strong mental addiction to marijuana for 7 years and add alcohol and dabbling with other hard drugs into the mix and you have me at 23, still in college, unsure of my future, and in a financial dump. At the end of february I made a big change I went to my first AA meeting and that led to like 40 days of sobriety and getting a sponsor and getting to the 4th step. Those 40 days were great and I felt like I had finally made the transition from my old ways to the new "sober me."
However I'm not sure what happened but towards the 40th day I started thinking a lot about marijuana. And it became a battle in my mind where I started thinking about smoking it years down the road. Or even maybe on occassion. I honestly didn't miss alcohol that much even though I was a part of AA. So eventually last friday I went to LA to visit my Dads and here is what happened:
I know there was weed around, and I was home alone it's like 5pm and beautiful and sunny out. And it was like I knew I was going to get high because at that point I just surrendered to my addiction (you know that feeling). So I got high....and BAM!! Meetings stopped, lied to my sponsor, didn't do anything productive, just became a lazy ************.
I didn't get high just once either it continued throughout the weekend giving me horrible panic attacks and anxiety. I hated the feeling, yet first thing in the morning I was getting stoned. The week after my weed relapse I was missing school, missing meetings, and 2 days ago I went to an AA meeting stoned and talked to ppl and my sponsor stoned. At this point I knew I wasn't sober anymore but I was justifying myself because I still had not drank.
Well last night I was like okay, pots boring, and since I know I'm not sober and I've let my life fall to **** and by that I mean, being financially irresponsible, being lazy, smoking cigs, and just playing video games all day. So last night I said **** it and I bought a bottle of crown royal and smoked cigs, drank, and smoked pot with a couple of buddies. Felt fine and good at times but felt like I was dieing.
So today is the morning afterwards, I slept in late and I'm sitting here with 2 forties of Mickeys, a pipe full of weed, and a couple of cigarettes. Two weeks ago I was working, had a wallet full of money, super clear headed, and super optimistic about what sobriety would do for my future. Now I feel like a 23 year old zombie. And whats worse is I cut off a lot of my user friends so now I'm just using alone. I still haven't made the call to my sponsor either and don't know if I will break the news or just lie until I can't anymore.
This is so me. Things get good and then I bring on a downward spiral and then here I am again, ashamed, afraid, and using. ****.
I've been a lurker of these boards for about 6 months now but haven't ever reached out much to others for advice. I feel that I really have nobody to talk to especially not my sponsor because I haven't told him I've relapsed yet.
I've battled with a very strong mental addiction to marijuana for 7 years and add alcohol and dabbling with other hard drugs into the mix and you have me at 23, still in college, unsure of my future, and in a financial dump. At the end of february I made a big change I went to my first AA meeting and that led to like 40 days of sobriety and getting a sponsor and getting to the 4th step. Those 40 days were great and I felt like I had finally made the transition from my old ways to the new "sober me."
However I'm not sure what happened but towards the 40th day I started thinking a lot about marijuana. And it became a battle in my mind where I started thinking about smoking it years down the road. Or even maybe on occassion. I honestly didn't miss alcohol that much even though I was a part of AA. So eventually last friday I went to LA to visit my Dads and here is what happened:
I know there was weed around, and I was home alone it's like 5pm and beautiful and sunny out. And it was like I knew I was going to get high because at that point I just surrendered to my addiction (you know that feeling). So I got high....and BAM!! Meetings stopped, lied to my sponsor, didn't do anything productive, just became a lazy ************.
I didn't get high just once either it continued throughout the weekend giving me horrible panic attacks and anxiety. I hated the feeling, yet first thing in the morning I was getting stoned. The week after my weed relapse I was missing school, missing meetings, and 2 days ago I went to an AA meeting stoned and talked to ppl and my sponsor stoned. At this point I knew I wasn't sober anymore but I was justifying myself because I still had not drank.
Well last night I was like okay, pots boring, and since I know I'm not sober and I've let my life fall to **** and by that I mean, being financially irresponsible, being lazy, smoking cigs, and just playing video games all day. So last night I said **** it and I bought a bottle of crown royal and smoked cigs, drank, and smoked pot with a couple of buddies. Felt fine and good at times but felt like I was dieing.
So today is the morning afterwards, I slept in late and I'm sitting here with 2 forties of Mickeys, a pipe full of weed, and a couple of cigarettes. Two weeks ago I was working, had a wallet full of money, super clear headed, and super optimistic about what sobriety would do for my future. Now I feel like a 23 year old zombie. And whats worse is I cut off a lot of my user friends so now I'm just using alone. I still haven't made the call to my sponsor either and don't know if I will break the news or just lie until I can't anymore.
This is so me. Things get good and then I bring on a downward spiral and then here I am again, ashamed, afraid, and using. ****.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Posts: 565
Early sobriety is so tough, the call is so strong. Get up, dust yourself off and try again. Oh yeah, and be honest with your sponsor. That's what he's there for. He will want to help you. If you just lie to him, what information does he have to help? Oh yeah again, chances are pretty good he knows you relapsed anyway. The addicts sixth sense.
Keep coming back and posting
Keep coming back and posting
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
hi evan and thanks for your post.
Sounds like you were getting results from a program of recovery.
What happened...what did you do or not do before taking a drink/drug.
Once i became ready to give myself completely to the AA program then and only then did i stay sober and content.
I did loads of half measures and always got the same result eventually.
Phone that sponsor...you know that this works.....im sure he would be glad to hear from you.
God be with you...trucker
Sounds like you were getting results from a program of recovery.
What happened...what did you do or not do before taking a drink/drug.
Once i became ready to give myself completely to the AA program then and only then did i stay sober and content.
I did loads of half measures and always got the same result eventually.
Phone that sponsor...you know that this works.....im sure he would be glad to hear from you.
God be with you...trucker
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
Originally Posted by bike4life 
I failed again today and it was just when I drank last night AFTER the first AA meeting. I'm so stupid, too. And, my wife reminds me of my blank thoughts.
The steps are the suggested program of recovery....for me they where the key to a new life...free from alcohol and content without it.
In the begining i went to meetings and did nothing else....and got drunk more than once.
The fellowship is fantastic.....for the fellowship.
But for me....and only me.. they wont keep me sober...i needed a progam of action..
trucker
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 64
Evan,
the fact that you are posting shows that you have it it in you to stop. We all fall down again, but as Texsblind says, dust yourself off and try again. I smoked weed every day for 14 years, I tried many many times to stop and failed, I know what you are going through. It is very hard. Eventually though, I thought the paranoia alone would kill me.
Stay strong and keep posting!
Helene
the fact that you are posting shows that you have it it in you to stop. We all fall down again, but as Texsblind says, dust yourself off and try again. I smoked weed every day for 14 years, I tried many many times to stop and failed, I know what you are going through. It is very hard. Eventually though, I thought the paranoia alone would kill me.
Stay strong and keep posting!
Helene
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Bellaire, TX
Posts: 27
Crap...but AWESOME...when you can manage yourself in spiritual health! I want to get there one day. So, I became concern that this AA will last forever. I thought once you get over drinking, you are done and I'm so wrong!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by bike4life
I failed again today and it was just when I drank last night AFTER the first AA meeting. I'm so stupid, too. And, my wife reminds me of my blank thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Glasgow Scotland UK
Posts: 46
Hi EvanW ,
Great post , I'm impressed .
I visit SR every day and have 2 AA meetings a week .
Being honest is hard but you showed you can do it !
you are the man !
Stay wiyh us , warmly , witt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Goleta, CA
Posts: 7
I'm doing okay. I woke up on Easter and I have no desire to pick up or use at all, in fact I dread even the thought of doing so because the last week of using has brought me back to a low place in my outlook of life and behaviors. I'm going to let my sponsor know I rellapsed, as for AA I'm still thinking whether I will jump back into it or not. It's awful to be back at square one again, but I think I learned a very valuable lesson. Weed is a definite threat to recovery and sobriety and I will not be able to use either drugs or alcohol at all if I wish to be my best. I guess relapsing ain't all negative, I feel like I won't forget this experience, even with some sobriety under my belt.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Evan the good news is that you're not alone. You're not the first person who has gone through this and you're here. That's awesome!! I'm an alcoholic but I'm pretty sure if I smoked some dope or had a bottle of xanax in front of me it would be all over.
All you can do it just pick yourself and get back on it. My best to you and so glad you are here this morning.
All you can do it just pick yourself and get back on it. My best to you and so glad you are here this morning.
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