imallright

Won't bore you all with all the details of my life... but in a nutshell, not with AH who is an alcoholic and smokes weed. The drinking has been pretty much stopped for years... once in awhile falls off... the weed...well, it is an everyday, he's high most of the time thing.

We were married for almost 24 years... 2 kids (teenagers). I just couldn't take it anymore and said enough. We have been apart for almost a year. Kids have had a very hard time. Are very angry with me for ruining their lives. Feel sorry for Dad that I would do such a thing to him. Dad is not taking care of himself, moping around... getting to work, but other than that basically going through the motions. Pretty much what he did when he lived with me. Kids have been with him most of the time, as they refuse to stay with me. I have rules and I am the witch that did this to Dad.

So, son is coming around some now (he's older) and daughter is falling apart. She is failing in school...Dad says, "she's trying". She is getting in trouble at school for being mouthy, " Dad says, she apologized". When she does bother with me, she is verbally abusive. She is so angry. Last night it all blew up again. She was literally screaming at me. Dad was there... in the background... mumbling and not taking a stand. I let her know that it wasn't ok to talk to me like that, but I refused to walk away, as that was part of what she was fuming about. "Why love anyone, because love is a lie. You supposedly loved Dad and look what you did".

I don't bash him, but I am letting them know more of the truth. A couple weeks ago she was at my house and quite upset, because Dad keeps leaning on her and telling her that "his life sucks, nobody cares about me, it doesn't matter anyhow, cause I am sure I will die soon." Last night, when she was going off... she kept saying, "go ahead, Mom, say it, put it out there..." Well, I said, "I know you are scared and that you are angry. I know that you push me away because you don't want to betray Dad." I went on to let him know that saying those things was not right and it was hurting her. I told him that she was scared and felt stuck.

She flipped out. She told me to leave, she never wanted to see me again. She never would trust me again, etc. I felt like this had to be addressed. I didn't betray her confidence, I felt like I needed to let her know that I was addressing the situation. She is scared that if she upsets her Dad that he will do something to himself... he admits that he has been leaning on her, but feels like he is just letting her in on reality. He said, "I have said those things and I can't take it back. She knows I don't really mean it... but actually, it's the truth... we all die... she needs to hear reality".

I don't know what to do. I had her going to counseling, but when the counselor started to get too close to the truth and to pushing into this she refused to go anymore. I don't know what to do. I am at my wits end. This kid is such a mess and I am afraid for her.

I need support big time today.

Seren

I'm so sorry to hear about all of the pain that your children are in and that their father can't seem to understand what he is doing to them. You are very brave and correct to not bash your ex in front of them. I can only imagine how hard it is to bear up under the constant anger and disapproval from them especially when they do not know the whole truth.

Your daughter is still a minor, right? Can't she be mandated to go to counseling? I think you, your ex, and your kids ALL need to go to counseling for the sake of the children before things go off even further into the ditch.

Hugs and good wishes!!!!!
HG

imallright

I have been to a lawyer who tells me that it is pretty much impossible to force a teenager to do something. Her Dad is not supportive of her going to counseling, "he doesn't believe in that stuff". Of course, not he might have to face up to his part in this whole nasty ugly mess. Also, the lawyer(s) that I have spoken with have told me that if she indicates she wants to be with her Dad, it is almost certain that is what will happen, and that even if it is declared that she needs to be with me... how can they make that happen. I feel like I can't breathe.

Thanks for responding.

MyJoey

Wow I remember my dad doing the same thing to me when my mother left. I stayed with him for a short time. You need to reassure her he is a grown man and he will be fine. While he may be feeling sad, down about you not being there he will move on. She doesn't need to know the reasons you left, just that sometimes people grow apart. Stick your ground let her know you love her with all your heart and want to see her, but if she is coming over only to yell at you or be abusive then have her leave. It is better to have no contact for a while then to have a battle, but let that be her choice. Ask her to lunch or out in public some place then make it time for her, just to talk about her, school, friends. If she brings up her father, just tell her you want to talk about her. In her heart she knows the truth she is just trying to process it all and deal. She will not blame you forever and she will have much respect for you when she knows your not the one putting pressure on her. She will get passed it, teens just react very quickly to everything.

gotahavfaith

How hard this must be for you. Kids just do not understand. My exA told my daughter things when she was a teenager that made her mad at me. He once even told her that I had been messing around on him and at one point he wasn't even sure that she was his. That really hurt. But soon enough she saw her Dad for what he was. Your daughter will see too. But in the meantime it doesn't help how hurt you are.

Just keep loving her, she will come around in time. Wish I could say more to help.

Thinking of you
Gotahavfaith

imallright

Thank you. I am just so afraid that I am failing her. I know she is scared and doesn't know how to handle and guess what so am I. I know that her Dad would never intentionally harm her, but he also doesn't understand that using and his dependence on her is hurting her. I am afraid to push it. I am afraid to not push it. Part of me knows I need to somehow get her away from him. I know that I should never have allowed her to be with him while he was still using. She's not going to come voluntarily... she is too afraid for him. He still has control over me. Wow.

Seren

Have you considered counseling for yourself so that you have better tools to handle all of this? An independent 3rd party would offer some insight and help that could be invaluable to you. Please don't beat yourself up....just keep trying. Your concern for your children is evident in your writing.

Hugs! HG

Freedom1990

First of all, take some deep breaths.

I recommend starting out by making an appointment with the school counselor and explaining the situation. If she's failing classes, there are already red flags up with school officials.

The school counselor was an invaluable resource for me when my youngest daughter was acting out and I was so lost and frightened.

Tell the counselor your concerns. See what he/she suggests as the next step. There are things you can do, hon. It may not change the outcome, but at least you're trying! :ghug :ghug

catlovermi

I think it's quite the opposite. She's raging and externalizing her fears, which in a way is good. And you better believe she is watching what you do and say, out of the corner of her bloodshot, teary eyes.

You are providing her with a rational presence, and example of taking care of your own needs and living from your own inner convictions. While those convictions have helped turn her world upside down for the present (necessarily so, to remove yourself from living in a dysfunctional environment), given time they will eventually prove to be the correct SUSTAINABLE way to live.

She's raging at you, to see if you can be knocked off balance just like she feels. When she sees you are not, she will crawl off and begin to think about it. To think about which of the two parents has an even-keeled, sustainable life. She is watching to see if you can sustain the blows she feels her life has sustained, and see how you react.

When you don't fall apart, you can bet she will eventually take notice. When she notices that you choose to get away from unhealthiness, and can even be happy in spite of life circumstances, it will make her mad at first, but get her attention eventually. You know, that "the truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off" thing. She has choices to improve her life, to make her feel better about it, but doesn't realize it yet. But as she watches you, it will begin to dawn on her that you are not hostage to negativity and drama and sadness and resentment.

So while you FEEL you have failed her, what you are actually DOING is just the opposite. You are showing her the way, quietly, in a way that she can choose to adopt rather than being forced into.

How well you parent your kids isn't a matter of what you FEEL, but what you show them, by your example.

Sending encouragement,


CLMI

imallright

Thank you all. I am seeing a counselor. She has been great. She scares me a bit, because she has indicated that perhaps CPS needs to be called in and I am afraid of what would happen and of the additional turmoil.

I have also been talking with the guidance counselors... they are talking to her, but they keep insisting that until she wants to do the work, she won't. She refuses to meet with the other counselor at school and when I took her to counseling she went for about 4 times and then said no way.... once the counselor started to probe a bit. Again, it's fear. She's afraid that if she talks about it something bad will happen to her Dad. She's afraid if she doesn't protect him and stay with him, he will do something bad to himself. I know, I lived with it for a whole lot of years. I finally broke free and I know that I am showing her that you don't have to live like that, but now after everything has blown up one more time, I don't know how to approach her and how to help. The truth is very scarey. That's why I stayed in the dark for so many years and tried to make it all better. But now that it's out, you can' unring it... you know. Thanks for letting me talk and for offering such supportive words. I need them today.

Chino

What do you fear will happen?

imallright

I am afraid that if they indicate that she should not be living with her Dad, she will run away or be even more upset. She is so angry that I don't think she would voluntarily come to live with me even if "she was made to".

I am also afraid that her Dad would try to harm himself. I know I can't control that... it is all so messed up. I sit here and think, "well, what are you doing allowing her to live with someone who might hurt himself". I am just sick about the whole thing.

Chino

Is there something you fear for her if she stays in that situation?

BayAreaPhoenix

(((hugs)))

Very good advice above. What Catlovermi wrote really hit home for me. My mother leaned on me inappropriately - my Dad didn't. Even tho I felt like I had to take care of my mother, I got my strength and sanity from my Dad. I agree, it does sound like she's trying to see if you can be rocked or if you're solid - she is watching you, and how you're doing, somewhere she is paying attention to that loud and clear!

Lots of hugs and prayers to you!

imallright

Thanks. It's just so hard. I guess what I fear is that he will continue to lean on her and continue to mess her up. I don't have to tell anyone here that living with someone who is abusing a drug...I don't care if it is JUST weed.... and who knows what he might be doing is not a good thing for anyone, never mind a 15 year old.

itisatruth

((((imallright)))) Just wanted to send my support ~ I know you have been dealing with this for a while. I had hoped your daughter would have started to come around by now, but I do still think she will.

Chino

One of your fears is something you're currently living with, and the other is a fear of the unknown. The next question is, which fear is greater?

Ann

I agree that soon enough she will see this for what it is. Continue to be honest with her and keep the dialogue open as much as possible.

And be honest about his previous drinking and drug use. She may see the pot as a way to cope with his "problems" instead of the pot being the cause of most of his problems. If she recognizes the harm drugs, including pot, can do, she will be less likely to go that road herself.

Prayers going out for all of you, this just can't be a good way to live.

Hugs

imallright

Thank you, Ann. I think the truth is a big reason she is getting so scared and ushing me away. She doesn't want to deal with what and why. She told me a couple weeks ago that her Dad says things that upset and hurt her. That he doesn't realize what he is saying... wonder why... The things he said have nothing to do with harming her, physically. He talks about "poor me, nobody cares, etc. etc. etc." He also does nothing besides go to work. Comes home and sits. Depression and sleeping off a high... saw it for years.

I pointed out to her that his is not new behavior. This is caused by the drug use over a many, many years. This is a big part of why or marriage failed. That him talking this way in front of her is wrong. She felt the support.

When she went off the other night, I talked about his behavior and how it made her feel. She flipped out. She thought I had betrayed her trust by letting him know what he is doing and making all of us confront it together. I think I was right to support her, and I think I was right to talk to him about the behavior and then address it with her there too.

I love my kids so much. I just hope that some day she understands that it's not about me wanting to have them to myself and be right, it's about keeping her safe, sane and letting her know she is loved.