naive

I’ve returned to the lion’s den from my break at my mum’s and am back in the flat with ABF. The apartment was pretty much trashed, the lock on my bedroom door removed and my bike “stolen”. All considering, I thought this isn’t as bad as I thought it might be and settled into keeping a low profile. I cleaned for 3 days now and did about 10 loads of laundry and the house is back in order. ABF helped me for about 1 hour and never thanked me for cleaning up his mess. he said he would buy electricity today but does not have enough money, even though he did have enough money last night before he went to his “job”.

My boundary before I left ABF was that if he kept his job as a bouncer at a pub, I would leave him because it was making my life unmanageable. He continues in his job while I was away and I asked him upon my return if he would quit and he said no.

so, I went to see my new prospective apartment and it’s humble but fine and I can move on the 20th. I reminded myself to lay low until the 20th but last night, he went to his job, came home drunk and today he took my car and drove around for hours once last night‘s alcohol wore off enough. as I sat here, once again not knowing where he was or what he was doing, I could feel that oh-so-familiar sickness in my stomach and my mind unable to rest and decided I had had enough.

so I broke up with him today since he still is working as a bouncer and took my car keys from him and disabled the car by pulling the fuses out. he was surprisingly calm about this, worryingly so. other than saying I must get out of his apartment (to which I responded “call the police then. the only one they’ll ask to leave is you”). he just left now, on foot, saying I had driven him to the drink.

I have been asking for his help in moving and getting my new place ready, and he is rather noncommittal. I know it would be best to manage to move without his assistance, so I’m going to discuss it with the council worker and see if they can assist me.

I feel uneasy that I might have a angry drunk on my hands upon his return. I wouldn’t put it past him to smash the car up, which I can’t say would even bother me at this stage. I’m sick (it’s no wonder) with a low fever and a cold the last few days. I imagine you all will recommend that I go stay somewhere else, but I am too tired because I didn’t sleep last night.

all opinions/feedback/advise welcomed. I’m feeling confused and exhausted again. I actually lost one of the fuses when disabling the car, I was so shaky and nervous he would stop me but he didn’t.

Cath1029

Sorry you're back in the midst of all this after your short "breath of fresh air."

I definitely wouldn't ask him to help you move if you can help it. It seems that others who have been through a similar experience and tried to be civil with their A only ended up getting physically or emotionally hurt for their trouble. He doesn't much sound like he can be reasoned with.

Hang in there and stay strong. You're doing the right thing!

Barbara52

I sure wouldn't expect him to be helpful in any way whatsoever in your move. Why would he? Its not to his advantage. I would make arrangements to move without him inolved at all.

If you are worried about him harming you, the best thing is to remove yourself from the situation. Staying there put you at risk.

If you are worried about him damagin your property, move it. Can you arrange to park the car at a friends place til you have your own place?

naive

well, he's back. says he's not drinking, even though he just had 4 pints and will be back out again tonight. how is that not drinking? he's also saying that he will get a van and help me move. i'm going to try to manage without him.

he also says that he won't buy electricity when the meter runs out tomorrow, even though he said he would for the last three days. i am so tired of living on the edge like this.

he drank last night, he drank this afternoon and he will drink tonight...how can he sit there and tell me he's not drinking and i'm crazy? he said i should go see someone because of my scewed view of reality.

tallulah

You know what I am going to say naive.. :ghug

You have 10 days until you are able to move into your new place. I would not spend those 10 days around him. Pack whatever is important.. stuff you can't live without and important documents.. put it into the car and get yourself and your transport to a friend's place. If you think you are tired now, it'll only get worse if you are living around not knowing what mood someone is going to come home in. Trust me.. I have rediscovered the joys of sleep and you will get a lot more accomplished for your next move if you don't have to deal with the A.

When you do come to move.. do it with support. If you are at all worried about how he might be when the time comes for your stuff to be moved out of the flat then make sure you are not alone.. advise the local police if needs be.

And one more top tip... get your re-direction for your mail set up as soon as possible.

Still Waters

Of course, it has to be YOU since he's perfectly fine! Ah the manipulations.

tallulah

yep... it is all your fault.. let him keep demonising you.. meanwhile, get the hell out of Dodge missus..

naive

i can't drive the car, as i don't have a uk license. only an american one. i used to be able to drive in the uk on my american one, but that time has now expired.

i can't really get out of dogde because i need my computer, my files, my telephone in order to setup my new place (elect accnt, phone, broadband, movers, etc.)

i can however leave for a night or two, if things get bad.

it's amazing how he twists things around and gets me to second-guess myself. while i was gone, he went thru my mail, opened a letter and took out money a friend had sent to help me. today i asked him for the money back and he thinks i'm being ridiculous! if he gave me my money back, i could turn the electricity on myself...

i'm so ready to wash my hands of this relationship. i do love him but i don't trust him at all, he wants to keep drinking so there is really nowhere to go. i imagine that his tune will change once i'm gone. i'm trying to put together a plan for that. since i'm setting up a new phone anyway, i think i'll get a new number and caller id....

MissFixit

Naive,

I can't remember, but why do you stay in the UK? None of my business, but did you move there to be with the BF? Do you enjoy living there?

Miss

Seren

Let me get this straight....he trashed your apartment, he opened your mail and stole money, he stole your bicycle and presumably other things in the past, he is accusatory and verablly abusive both drunk and not drunk, you are afraid of dealing with him when he has been drinking, and you are still there why? Because you can't have high speed internet at home for 10 days? Can't you go to a cafe or a library to work for 10 days?

Please stay safe and work on getting your things together now! What a joyous and peaceful life you will have in the new place! What a great thing to look foward to!!!

Hugs, HG

Freedom1990

I sincerely hope at some point you will truly begin to love yourself because what he demonstrates isn't even close to love. I fumed when I read about him opening your mail.

He wipes his feet all over anyone he can. Ugh.

tallulah

ok.. a friend could help out here..

again.. a friend could help out here with use of their internet facilities.. failing that local libraries have internet access as do cyber cafes.. plus many places have free wi-fi..


I had all the same 'obstacles'.. more maybe.. if I had my time again I'd know they are not really there and with some lateral thinking can be overcome.

naive

i live in the uk (in the islands) because it is beautiful here.

i hear you but i'm pretty wiped out again. there is no cyber cafe here and the computers at the library are so slow it takes a few minutes to open an email. i will keep thinking about how to minimze my time here but after being gone for one month, i really just want to sit at my own desk and take care of business.

i am trying to keep myself safe. perhaps i'm not taking it seriously enough. today's not a good day, as i'm sick and the idea of leaving "home" again is too much for me.

freedom, thanks for that perspective on his stealing. he makes me think i'm overreacting to everything.

i am glad to be back at SR...it is so helpful right now...he just left for his job...he overslept and is late because i didn't wake him up and i suppose his "4 pints" made him tired...

naive

missfixit...i didn't move to the uk to be with ABF, i met him after i had been here. and yes, i still enjoy living here. i don't want to leave because of him. the new flat is on the other side of town, thank goodness.

tallulah

:ghug do what you can... you have a plan.. just take a tip from what happened to me and have a 'what if he starts going a bit loopy' contingency..

I know what you mean about leaving. It is horrible under any circumstances packing up your stuff and leaving somewhere you called home. :ghug When I was packing I had little cries.. just released the emotion and moved on. I miss 'home' even now. But I'm getting excited looking for a new one

naive

about moving the car. that is, unfortunately, complicated. in the uk, anyone who drives the car must be a named driver. so, my friend can't just jump in my car unless i add her onto the insurance, which is in ABF's name, as the primary driver.

tallulah

if the friend you get to move your car is insured then they should be able to drive it (they'd have third party cover under their policy)... check the policy first of course.. if not you can get temporary cover under their policy for the vehicle..

next option.. if you or a friend has RAC/AA.. call it in and get it towed to their place or wherever you want to keep it. ..

Barbara52

I know before I was ready, I was an expert at finding reasons why I couldn't do what I need to do. There are always options. Sometimes those options are not as good as we would like but they are options.

naive

well, everything we felt would happen, went down last night. he came home at 2:30 drunk, woke me because he had lost his key and proceeded to settle into his bed to smoke some cigarettes. i reminded him to smoke in the living room and he cursed me and said it was his flat, he would smoke in bed if he pleased. i pleaded with him to be reasonable, that i was sick and needed my rest, but would not rest if i was scared of fire. he cursed me again. so, i took his cigarettes and hid them. then he threw me around, smashed a door and picked up my laptop and threatened to throw it out the window. i gave him his cigarettes. he went to bed.

i sat there, very tired but knowing that i had to leave. so i packed a bag with mainly my laptop, passport and wallet and left around 4am to my neighbors below me. he was already awake as he had heard my ABF throwing things around upstairs.

then, we both went to bed and the music upstairs started cranking so loud. we both ignored this and tried to sleep.

this morning, my neighbor has gone to work and left me £10. i have also discovered that my laptop works down here in this apartment, as my wireless signal from upstairs broadcasts down here.

so, i am considering asking my neighbor friend if i can stay here for 10 days. i know it is awfully close to ABF but my neighbor has a spare room and i could store some things here.

i think i'm in for a rough day today, as ABF is working the door tonight and will probably be drunk again. i feel kind of like a fugitive these days....

naive

tallulah

:ghug3 naive.. firstly.. I hope you are o.k.

You can't go back there to stay naive.. you know that right? This is not going to be the amicable adult situation you hoped for. Even if he doesn't lay another finger on you the emotional stuff and the not being able to sleep and feeling under seige is going to harm you. Ask your neighbour by all means but also ask around friends.. the main thing is you have somewhere safe to stay until your new place is ready.

As for him. Well in my case the emergency services reported to the Police, but in your case do not be afraid to pick up the phone and call the Police if he starts anything. Keep out of his way and do not engage him.