Kimmieh

I think I get it now. Nothing I do will change anything. If I don't enforce my boundaries he will step over them and if I do enforce them, I will still let him step over them. He will convince me over and over again that he will change, yet nothing changes. I even go as far as to negotiate pot use in my home although I hate it when he is stoned and subsequently I cannot even stand the smell anymore. He moved back in and we are right where we left off. I realize that I cannot do my work properly when he is around (or when anybody is around, really, which is why I do not have a roommate). All the extra stuff is stifling, I am falling back into old roles of making dinner and cleaning up after him. Men can manipulate the bloody hell out of me - it's almost comical.

I might be ditzy, but I should be smart enough to know that repeating things over and over again won't change them. So right now I should write a paper that is due tomorrow, but I just cannot get my thoughts together. Most importantly, I applied for a scholarship and was invited to an interview. I need to be up, running, and in a good state of mind tomorrow at 9am (urgh, I am not a morning person). He told me he would meet a buddy to play pool (I really think all pool tables should be moved to ice cream parlors. Who wants to sign the petition?). I asked him to PLEASE stay sober (oh, don't worry, I am so rolling my eyes at myself) and PLEASE come home early so I can get a good night's sleep. But you know, I am almost hoping he will mess it up because I think I might be able to finally draw the line. I cannot justify that he ruins my career. The economic crisis has now reached me and my income as well and it is crunch time.

I feel like I need to apologize that he is STILL here after all your encouragement in the other thread. I think I have still believed that he can change, that if only he can stay here, he will get his life together, etc. No, he will still hang out with the same people, still make excuses, and still not pull his weight around here and act as if he does.

It occurs to me now that I have sacrificed a lot of time in my life to men - I have supported them with their careers, have cleaned, cooked, etc. although I was no less busy with my studies than they were with theirs. But now is the time that I know if I don't get it together in the next year, I will be without a degree and without funding to get one. I suppose this needs to be me time because I cannot help him and he is hurting me and my livelihood...

At least he got me a new trashcan...

GiveLove

I did the same. I supported men for almost my whole adult life, putting them through school, paying their bills, being there when they needed me (though they were almost never there when I needed someone). I ended up in poverty, deathly sick, and close to suicidal.

I pray that's not what it takes for you to step back and look at what you're doing to yourself. A couple of blips in the wrong direction and I never would've lived long enought to set foot in SR.

You're powerless over his choices. You're powerless over alcohol.

You're NOT powerless over your own choices, though I'm sure it's comforting to say that. You're making the ones that serve you right now -- there's a reason you're staying in this situation, and only you know it. Perhaps someone, somewhere, taught you that this is all you deserve: a man who treats you like dirt, manipulates you, robs you of your peace of mind and happiness and resources, all in exchange for the few crumbs of ersatz love he tosses your way.

It is your choice not to seek professional help. When you are ready for recovery, you will seek it. When, some day, you want something better, you will change. And not one minute before.

Good luck!

bluejay6

me too, k, i have done the same thing.

i was with a man for 15 years and he slid into addiction sometime during the last 5 of those. and somehow, without me even noticing, he was the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE and everything somehow....everything....revolved around him.

we are both in a creative field, both successful....but those last years, only his work was important--he had no interest anymore in mine-- and when he finished a big project and fell into exhaustion, i was the one who shipped off all his work, cleaned up his studio, washed all his clothes, stocked his refrigerator, and as always, cared for his dog.

which would all have been really okay...truly....if only he had helped me with ANYTHING.

he had changed. he was just a user, and i didn't see what i was doing.

when you're inside it, it's so hard to see the picture.

but you sound really good. i think you are going to be just fine.

i'm sorry for your worry and hurt, though. stay clear.make good choices. all the rest will fall into place.

prodigal

So what's next? What are you going to do with the knowledge you have and the awareness you have gained?

sillysquirrel

I have all of the same questions you are asking. I, too, have given sooo much to the men in my life. I never take time out for myself, always taking care of me last, if there is anything left for me. I have always thought this was an attribute. Oh, I am such a giving person!!! But these last few months I am learning that it is NOT a good thing. This is NOT something to be proud of.

It sounds like you are waking up to this realization also. I am glad I am realizing this character flaw of mine but am struggling with my next step. I am glad you started this thread. I will be following it and hoping for some good suggestions.

I also have this problem of giving waaaayy too many chances. I always think, "maybe this time he will change", but he NEVER does.

Good luck at your interview and congratulations on the new trash can!

Still Waters

You don't seem ditzy to me at all. And - living with the insanity of active alcoholism and addiction will make appear to be a bit ditzy!

You sound like you're moving in a forward motion to me Kimmieh, go girl!

Paintbaby

Kimmieh, you sound as though you are getting angry enough at the situation that it is starting to make you realize you deserve BETTER. And MORE. You do. You so truly, truly do.

And part of that "better" is the absolute natural born RIGHT to acheive. To have accomplishments, and be proud of your hard work--not have it overshadowed by the A in your life. You should be so proud of yourself for what your hard work has gotten you--it sounds as though wonderful opportunities are in store for you! THIS is your future--not some life-sucking vampire of a man who always expects more, but gives precious little in return.

Don't be angry at yourself. Refocus that energy and go kick some a** at that interview! Enjoy yourself!

Freedom1990

You'll either eventually get sick and tired (hopefully before the degree goes out the window) or you'll wake up one day much older, bitter, and wishing you had made better choices.

Till then, keep doing what you're doing because it's paying off for you to some extent.

Kimmieh

Thanks for all the comments! Anvilhead, I don't know if that is quite it. My studies/career are what I have the most confidence in. But I will think about what you said...

Last night ABF (yes, still here) went to play pool and promised to stay sober. Long story short, he appeared in the middle of the night, totally wasted, and passed out on the floor. When he started vomiting (while still being unconscious) I called 911 because I was SICK of being responsible for his well-being. By the time the paramedics came, he had stopped vomiting and was somewhat awake. So they left.

This morning I told him that he had to leave. He started to pack and seemed angry, but after a while I noticed that he had been crying and suddenly he sat down and asked me what I think he should do. I said he should go into a treatment center and dedicate time to his addiction, his PTSD, depression, and all the other things. He asked if he couldn't do it by himself and I told him I don't think so.

Then he said: "Ok, let me make a few phone calls then" and called the treatment center. He told them he needed help because he is an alcoholic and homeless (which he is really is since I asked him to leave). He answered a bunch of questions (very honestly) and they told him they would be in touch in 3-5 days for him to start treatment.

I am very proud of him. I have never heard him speak so honestly about his problem. He cried after the phone call (he does not cry often) and I know he is ashamed to admit that he is an alcoholic and to ask for help.

I know I have to be careful not to get my hopes up too high, but this is a big step. I made it clear that staying with me is not an option after they call, so it's the treatment center or random couches.

And I am recovering from the night at a nice coffee shop, trying to get some work done, and feeling slightly hopeful. And updating you lovely people. :ghug

ToughChoices

Good for him for making the phone calls.
A little homelessness will probably make him very interested in an inpatient facility.

Is he moving out while you're at the coffee shop?

TakingCharge999

Hi Kimmieh!

How did your interview go?
I am glad you are starting to focus on your life before its too late!

Do not beat yourself up, I think as women, besides our psychological issues, family history, culturally we are also conditioned to take care of everybody.. and to make men the priority..at least I do not recall anyone telling me "Sandra, go after YOUR dreams, YOU are as important as anybody else". Nope. It was all about boyfriends, and getting married, and looking fit and fashionable for THEM, all that BS....

I am just rambling but I hope you are doing good, I am glad he is finally accepting his disease, but whatever he does, please try to focus on yourself!! and let us know about the interview..

Vanish

You really sound like you are on the verge of successfully beginning your life. I wish you the best. Others will come and go, but a degree lasts forever. Good luck with your interview and your future. I hate seeing men (or women) take advantage and manipulate their partner. Strongly opposed to unequal relationships.

I'm a father so obviously a man. I watched my 3 girls go through their codependent times. Feeling they could nurture someone into being mature and sober. I stood by them, non-verbally let them know they were worthy in their own right and they came out of bad relationships to mature into fine partners for the men in their lives now. But, they had to decide to do it.

I hope you have a person you respect always ready to stand by you. The person you would trust to take the bullet for you. You could use that. Maybe this forum is that "person".

LaTeeDa

That person is ourself. Each and every one of us has a wonderful, respectful, loyal, loving person we can trust, if we learn how. That person is inside each and every one of us.

L

Kimmieh

Tough Choices, I said he can stay until they call, but after that he either commits to treatment (in-patient is the plan) or he leaves town to take a job in another city. We had this conversation a few days ago that there is nothing for him here career-wise and that he perhaps should take the job offer he received recently. I am staying out of the treatment thing - I did not ask him about details about the phone call and closed the center website as soon as I realized that it's not my "project" and that I need to stay out of it and do my own thing. That made me feel as if I have made progress.

I have neglected myself a bit, but I have vowed to be better. I have gotten a bit of work done and just realized that the deadline is tomorrow and not today, so I can finish up tomorrow and instead of working I will go to the gym for a swim tonight.

The interview was very strange. It was almost too informal I think. But I got a muffin out of it and I have nothing to lose. I either get extra money (fellowship) or I don't (I do want it, but if I don't get it, I will live). I will let you know as soon as I hear!

ToughChoices

I understand.

Can you make a plan for the possibility that, somehow 3 days pass, then 5, then 7 - and the facility never calls? What will you do if they call and offer him a position in their outpatient treatment program?

Think it through now, Kimmieh, and you won't be floundering if the blossoming recovery of tonight turns into a big, stinky pile of poop in a few days.

You are not obligated to finance his life while he gropes around for some clarity.

Kimmieh

I really appreciate that you raise all these questions. If they don't call, I will ask him to call them. I give it five days, then he needs to follow up. Since he told them that he is homeless, I expect the call back to be sooner than later, but I will brace myself.

If they offer outpatient treatment, he will have to work with them on a housing solution. They offer care for people regardless of income, so it should not be unusual that he needs a place to stay. We just can't live together like this. We both need to take care of ourselves individually. Plus even if I wanted to, I cannot afford to feed two people. I will probably even have to ask my parents for money to feed myself.

I promise to keep my guard up. And I will keep you updated. I don't know what will happen, but I think there is progress, for me at least.