I am SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
I am SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok everyone!!! 
Here goes my ranting.
AD was clean for a month and a half again. I've had this feeling for a few days that she is not now. She is in a suboxone program and had been doing counseling and started school this week. My gut just kept telling me that something was not right and tonite I confronted her. I told her I just didn't think something was right and straight out ask her if she was using.
She admitted that yes she had been but had not for a few days. I told her I wanted to see her suboxone script and she has about 6 left. She should have had enough to last her until the 27th of this month. She told me she sold some and dropped about 20 down the toilet. I told her I did not believe that for a minute. She and the grandkids are living with me.
I didn't say much except that I was done with this and tired of working her recovery more than her. I have done everything that I possibly can for her. She chose to pick up again. This was her choice.
This was only about 15 minutes ago and I am shaking. I don't even know what to say. I wanted to come here and just vent and get some feedback before I say anymore. I can't even say anymore here. I just want someone to come to my rescue for once. I am so damned mad. :wtf2
Gotahavfaith (I don't have any right now)
Here goes my ranting.
AD was clean for a month and a half again. I've had this feeling for a few days that she is not now. She is in a suboxone program and had been doing counseling and started school this week. My gut just kept telling me that something was not right and tonite I confronted her. I told her I just didn't think something was right and straight out ask her if she was using.
She admitted that yes she had been but had not for a few days. I told her I wanted to see her suboxone script and she has about 6 left. She should have had enough to last her until the 27th of this month. She told me she sold some and dropped about 20 down the toilet. I told her I did not believe that for a minute. She and the grandkids are living with me.
I didn't say much except that I was done with this and tired of working her recovery more than her. I have done everything that I possibly can for her. She chose to pick up again. This was her choice.
This was only about 15 minutes ago and I am shaking. I don't even know what to say. I wanted to come here and just vent and get some feedback before I say anymore. I can't even say anymore here. I just want someone to come to my rescue for once. I am so damned mad. :wtf2
Gotahavfaith (I don't have any right now)
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Did you have boundaries set? Is it time to follow thru? Look to your HP for faith. As far as her using again, dont let that rock your recovery. You said it earlier in your post that you were working HER recovery more than she was. Maybe its time to have your own recovery?
Im sure others will be along to have better things to say. I offer you big hugs. I understand your anger. So here are some bigger hugs.
Im sure others will be along to have better things to say. I offer you big hugs. I understand your anger. So here are some bigger hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
I know the anger and disappointment you must be feeling right now. When you are angry, you know a boundary needs to go up. It looks like its time for another plan. I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm mad that addicts like suboxone too. What the heck?????
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Thanks for the hugs and prayers I do need them.
Freedom - Where do I go from here? Heck if I know but hopefully I am gonna know before the night is out. Sleep will not be coming easy tonite. My boundary was that I could not watch this AGAIN. Just can't go thru this again. This is where I get all confused. What do I do about the kids. What do I tell the 5yr old. If I send her away, do I send her with the kids? The 2 yr old is a mama's boy, she can't even walk up the stairs without him hollering at the gate for her. The 5 yr old has gotten much closer to her lately. He is Mamaw's boy tho. I haven't said anymore to her and she hasn't came back out of her room.
I want to do this right (or try to) this time. After I posted I went to my room and prayed for Him to help me do the right thing. I tried to read my books and just sat there in the dark trying to be still and listen. I am by no means calm tho. If I show her the door and keep the kids am I taking on HER responsibility? Or am I saving the kids. I just don't know yet.
I have to do something different, because nothing I have done or not done has helped one little bit. I'm going to go read some more but I might be back tonite just to talk it out and try and clear my head.
She said earlier that she feels so embarassed and guilty. How come it never seems that way until she tells me she screwed up yet again? I should not have had any expectations, but I did. Guess that was my screw up.
Gotahavfaith
Freedom - Where do I go from here? Heck if I know but hopefully I am gonna know before the night is out. Sleep will not be coming easy tonite. My boundary was that I could not watch this AGAIN. Just can't go thru this again. This is where I get all confused. What do I do about the kids. What do I tell the 5yr old. If I send her away, do I send her with the kids? The 2 yr old is a mama's boy, she can't even walk up the stairs without him hollering at the gate for her. The 5 yr old has gotten much closer to her lately. He is Mamaw's boy tho. I haven't said anymore to her and she hasn't came back out of her room.
I want to do this right (or try to) this time. After I posted I went to my room and prayed for Him to help me do the right thing. I tried to read my books and just sat there in the dark trying to be still and listen. I am by no means calm tho. If I show her the door and keep the kids am I taking on HER responsibility? Or am I saving the kids. I just don't know yet.
I have to do something different, because nothing I have done or not done has helped one little bit. I'm going to go read some more but I might be back tonite just to talk it out and try and clear my head.
She said earlier that she feels so embarassed and guilty. How come it never seems that way until she tells me she screwed up yet again? I should not have had any expectations, but I did. Guess that was my screw up.
Gotahavfaith
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I'm so sad that you're going through this great let down and pain. I too understand, but I know from experience that what you said is right. We can't have any expectations where our addict children are concerned. Nothing that has to do with them will ever make any sense, as long as they are using or withdrawing from using.
Would you be able to keep the kids and make her go? I was just wondering if you have seriously asked yourself this question. Would she let you do that, really? Just something to think about. You are in a pickle right now, as I have been before many times, only without kids involved. We should never let them back in our homes, because it is so hard to send them away again & again. I know this is a whole lot easier said than done. I feel for you.
(((((((((((((Supportive Hugs))))))))))))))
Would you be able to keep the kids and make her go? I was just wondering if you have seriously asked yourself this question. Would she let you do that, really? Just something to think about. You are in a pickle right now, as I have been before many times, only without kids involved. We should never let them back in our homes, because it is so hard to send them away again & again. I know this is a whole lot easier said than done. I feel for you.
(((((((((((((Supportive Hugs))))))))))))))
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Well friends I've decided to just go to bed for tonite. If I don't have a total solution tonite then maybe it will be clearer in the morning.....................
You all have given me alot to think about.
I think I am doing better tho. Its 1:30am and I am tired and ready to go to sleep. I thought I would see the sun come up earlier - thats how sick I felt. But tonite Addiction is not going to keep me awake. For tonite I'm going to hand it over to my HP to deal with.
Here's to a better day tomorrow.
Gotahavfaith (I have it back now) :praying
You all have given me alot to think about.
I think I am doing better tho. Its 1:30am and I am tired and ready to go to sleep. I thought I would see the sun come up earlier - thats how sick I felt. But tonite Addiction is not going to keep me awake. For tonite I'm going to hand it over to my HP to deal with.
Here's to a better day tomorrow.
Gotahavfaith (I have it back now) :praying
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Well its morning and I did get some sleep!! Dreamed about snakes tho. Wonder what that means (LOL). I am still not ready to talk to her. My husband and I are both off for Good Friday and he is going to hit the roof when I tell him the latest. But I am not ready to talk to him yet either. I don't know if I'm just putting off the inevitable or keeping quiet until I know what to say. Because when I say it I have to mean it.
She came down and said she wanted to talk but I told her I'm not ready yet.
I know what needs to be done, will you all just pray that I have the strength to do it?
My heart is breaking.
Gotahavfaith
She came down and said she wanted to talk but I told her I'm not ready yet.
I know what needs to be done, will you all just pray that I have the strength to do it?
My heart is breaking.
Gotahavfaith
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Dreamed about snakes tho. Wonder what that means
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
I need to write again before I leave. Me and grandson are going to go get eggs to color for Easter. 
AD and I talked, although I let her do most of the talking. She says she knows that this is her battle, but she doesn't know how to start. She said things go along really well and then her addictive mind takes over that she can do just a little more, even when she knows she can't. She is scared to be sick. I'm sure that is not a good feeling, but my god, how many times do you need to go thru that.
She is proud of herself for going back to school again and said she really would feel like a failure if she dropped out. I also understand that, hell I feel like a failure and I DO know that this is not my fault........ I also know that I can't fix it.
I am truly trying not to judge her, what is just is. I still don't have a solution for my delimma tho. My problem is what I have to look at first and foremost. Take the kids, don't take the kids? I sure am glad that I do not have the money to try and jump in and fix this because I might be tempted to do it. This last round is all I could do. And look where that got me.
I still did not go into it with her on what I have decided is best for me. Only told her I could NOT watch her withdrawals again. I just can't do it. I hate to see her in pain and see the guilt and suffering in her eyes. Love the addict, HATE THE ADDICTION.
Sorry I'm rambling, but I know that I will be back later today to ramble some more. Thanks for listening to me. I figure when I am ready to say what I have to say I will. Until then I am just going to keep on listening for my HP to help me with that.
Gotahavfaith
Now off to get those EGGS. I love coloring eggs.
AD and I talked, although I let her do most of the talking. She says she knows that this is her battle, but she doesn't know how to start. She said things go along really well and then her addictive mind takes over that she can do just a little more, even when she knows she can't. She is scared to be sick. I'm sure that is not a good feeling, but my god, how many times do you need to go thru that.
She is proud of herself for going back to school again and said she really would feel like a failure if she dropped out. I also understand that, hell I feel like a failure and I DO know that this is not my fault........ I also know that I can't fix it.
I am truly trying not to judge her, what is just is. I still don't have a solution for my delimma tho. My problem is what I have to look at first and foremost. Take the kids, don't take the kids? I sure am glad that I do not have the money to try and jump in and fix this because I might be tempted to do it. This last round is all I could do. And look where that got me.
I still did not go into it with her on what I have decided is best for me. Only told her I could NOT watch her withdrawals again. I just can't do it. I hate to see her in pain and see the guilt and suffering in her eyes. Love the addict, HATE THE ADDICTION.
Sorry I'm rambling, but I know that I will be back later today to ramble some more. Thanks for listening to me. I figure when I am ready to say what I have to say I will. Until then I am just going to keep on listening for my HP to help me with that.
Gotahavfaith
Now off to get those EGGS. I love coloring eggs.
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Well, my daughter left tonite. She tried to get Nick (5yr old) to go with her. He wasn't leaving. So he is here with me. And I think she went to get Hunter (2yr old) he was with his dad at his mom's house. I have a feeling that is where she will stay tonite. She has been gone for a few hours and her state of mind was not the best. I think I gave her some things to think about.
I'm worried but I know that Nick is ok. He is here looking over my shoulder and wants to type so here he is.
Goodnite everyone and I hope the storms have quieted down for everyone.
This is Nick typing.
i love you NICK BLANTON HAPPY EASTER 
I'm worried but I know that Nick is ok. He is here looking over my shoulder and wants to type so here he is.
Goodnite everyone and I hope the storms have quieted down for everyone.
This is Nick typing.
i love you
NICK BLANTON HAPPY EASTER 
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