Who says you HAVE to love your alcoholic relatives?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
Who says you HAVE to love your alcoholic relatives?
My father died of alcoholism when I was in first grade. My only memories of him are unpleasant ones. Such as him fighting with my mother, taking me with him to buy him some beer at a joint where a dog bit me. I had to get stitches.
FYI I am in my late 50's now.
He encouraged my older sister to beat up on me. I think that was mostly to get at my mother. By that time all they did was fight. But that in no way excuses it.
For years I wasn't allowed to express my feelings about him (good old no-talk rule). I found ACOA meetings in the mid 1980's and attended for several years. I have been attending Al Anon for 7 years. Also, over the years I've had mucho therapy, including experiential group therapy which was very helpful to me.
When I talk about my father, I refer to him by his first name. I'm not as angry at him as I used to be; I just don't think about him that much.
I don't think I could ever love him, and I see no reason why I should. If he had been my stepfather, nobody would say I "have to" love him. Just because you share somebody's DNA doesn't mean you have to love that person.
Any similar experiences?
FYI I am in my late 50's now.
He encouraged my older sister to beat up on me. I think that was mostly to get at my mother. By that time all they did was fight. But that in no way excuses it.
For years I wasn't allowed to express my feelings about him (good old no-talk rule). I found ACOA meetings in the mid 1980's and attended for several years. I have been attending Al Anon for 7 years. Also, over the years I've had mucho therapy, including experiential group therapy which was very helpful to me.
When I talk about my father, I refer to him by his first name. I'm not as angry at him as I used to be; I just don't think about him that much.
I don't think I could ever love him, and I see no reason why I should. If he had been my stepfather, nobody would say I "have to" love him. Just because you share somebody's DNA doesn't mean you have to love that person.
Any similar experiences?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
One thing that's no longer part of me is loving people "because."
All my life I followed that popular pattern where people say, "Well, of course I love him. He's my father." Or mother. Or brother, sister, niece, nephew, aunt, uncle, pastor, whatever.
I think I was 40 before I realized that I didn't have to love someone just because we were genetically linked, or because they played a role in my upbringing, especially if they did a poor job of it.
I love who I love. There are people in my "family of choice" whom I love far more than anyone in my biological family.
Lots of people find that strange. But nowadays, I find the old way strange. I don't believe love is an obligation. Love is something you either feel or don't feel.
Good topic, kudzu!
GL
All my life I followed that popular pattern where people say, "Well, of course I love him. He's my father." Or mother. Or brother, sister, niece, nephew, aunt, uncle, pastor, whatever.
I think I was 40 before I realized that I didn't have to love someone just because we were genetically linked, or because they played a role in my upbringing, especially if they did a poor job of it.
I love who I love. There are people in my "family of choice" whom I love far more than anyone in my biological family.
Lots of people find that strange. But nowadays, I find the old way strange. I don't believe love is an obligation. Love is something you either feel or don't feel.
Good topic, kudzu!
GL
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 60
A good fried of mine had a similar experience to you, kudzujean. Her father was an alcoholic who would beat her and he squandered all their money on alcohol. He died when she was in her mid-teens and she has always said that she feels no love for him at all and I can understand why. I don't think a biological link means that one must feel love for a person, especially towrds someone that showed such little love in their life.
When I was growing up, my mother was the sweetest person on earth when she was sober but when she was drunk it's fair to say I hated her. I could barely stand to be near her because she was a totally different person. It' not quite the same, but I do understand that a blood link doesn't mean you have to feel love towards someone.
When I was growing up, my mother was the sweetest person on earth when she was sober but when she was drunk it's fair to say I hated her. I could barely stand to be near her because she was a totally different person. It' not quite the same, but I do understand that a blood link doesn't mean you have to feel love towards someone.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Hi kudzujean
I don't have a similar experience, but I have a cousin who had cut himself off from any contact with his abusive alcoholic father. And I thought he took the correct approach. But he still believes that he can forget all the memories of his father, as in 'put it all behind me' and I am pretty certain that such brain-sanitizing is impossible. The harder one tries to repress memories, the more they bubble up in other areas of the mind and spirit. I think that one has to make peace or come to an acceptance that those memories are real, the sadness and rejection were real, but they are not part of the present. I am not explaining this well, but the idea is "this happened, it was not fair, it hurt me, and the lesson from the experience tells me it is wrong for me or anyone to treat their children like that." The problem with my cousin's experience is that he replaced love with hate, and this is hate of his own memories.
What I think I am saying is that memories of toxic family should feel neutral, and should not arouse hatred or resentment just as they should not inspire love.
I don't have a similar experience, but I have a cousin who had cut himself off from any contact with his abusive alcoholic father. And I thought he took the correct approach. But he still believes that he can forget all the memories of his father, as in 'put it all behind me' and I am pretty certain that such brain-sanitizing is impossible. The harder one tries to repress memories, the more they bubble up in other areas of the mind and spirit. I think that one has to make peace or come to an acceptance that those memories are real, the sadness and rejection were real, but they are not part of the present. I am not explaining this well, but the idea is "this happened, it was not fair, it hurt me, and the lesson from the experience tells me it is wrong for me or anyone to treat their children like that." The problem with my cousin's experience is that he replaced love with hate, and this is hate of his own memories.
What I think I am saying is that memories of toxic family should feel neutral, and should not arouse hatred or resentment just as they should not inspire love.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
The day I realized I didn't love my mother (both parents are A's, but my mother was the physical abusive one, and not functional at all - my dad was of the functional variety), and couldn't love her was simultaneously enlightening and confusing to me.
The day I accepted that I didn't love her and there was nothing wrong with that was the day that a huge weight was lifted from me.
I am still in regular contact with my parents. I treat my mother with the same civility and human dignity that I would treat someone I was standing in line with at the grocery store. I no longer have any anger towards her, only pity. She is 70 years old and has never been happy in her life. She is also starting to show the mental symptoms of late stage alcoholism. All I feel for her now is "What a waste of human potential". Underneath all the fear and insecurity (which is, I believe, the primary driving force for her drinking) was a highly intelligent vibrant woman. She could have been wonderful. She was unable to get past her own demons.
Yes, pity is all I feel for her. Such a loss of human potential - and to die never having been happy or at peace with the world? It's truly tragic, and I grieve for that tragedy. But love her? No. I have no reason to. If she weren't my mother, I wouldn't have any contact with her at all.
There is nothing at all wrong with not loving a person who has never given you any reason to.
The day I accepted that I didn't love her and there was nothing wrong with that was the day that a huge weight was lifted from me.
I am still in regular contact with my parents. I treat my mother with the same civility and human dignity that I would treat someone I was standing in line with at the grocery store. I no longer have any anger towards her, only pity. She is 70 years old and has never been happy in her life. She is also starting to show the mental symptoms of late stage alcoholism. All I feel for her now is "What a waste of human potential". Underneath all the fear and insecurity (which is, I believe, the primary driving force for her drinking) was a highly intelligent vibrant woman. She could have been wonderful. She was unable to get past her own demons.
Yes, pity is all I feel for her. Such a loss of human potential - and to die never having been happy or at peace with the world? It's truly tragic, and I grieve for that tragedy. But love her? No. I have no reason to. If she weren't my mother, I wouldn't have any contact with her at all.
There is nothing at all wrong with not loving a person who has never given you any reason to.
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by kudzujean 
My father died of alcoholism when I was in first grade. My only memories of him are unpleasant ones. Such as him fighting with my mother, taking me with him to buy him some beer at a joint where a dog bit me. I had to get stitches.
FYI I am in my late 50's now.
He encouraged my older sister to beat up on me. I think that was mostly to get at my mother. By that time all they did was fight. But that in no way excuses it.
For years I wasn't allowed to express my feelings about him (good old no-talk rule). I found ACOA meetings in the mid 1980's and attended for several years. I have been attending Al Anon for 7 years. Also, over the years I've had mucho therapy, including experiential group therapy which was very helpful to me.
When I talk about my father, I refer to him by his first name. I'm not as angry at him as I used to be; I just don't think about him that much.
I don't think I could ever love him, and I see no reason why I should. If he had been my stepfather, nobody would say I "have to" love him. Just because you share somebody's DNA doesn't mean you have to love that person.
Any similar experiences?
FYI I am in my late 50's now.
He encouraged my older sister to beat up on me. I think that was mostly to get at my mother. By that time all they did was fight. But that in no way excuses it.
For years I wasn't allowed to express my feelings about him (good old no-talk rule). I found ACOA meetings in the mid 1980's and attended for several years. I have been attending Al Anon for 7 years. Also, over the years I've had mucho therapy, including experiential group therapy which was very helpful to me.
When I talk about my father, I refer to him by his first name. I'm not as angry at him as I used to be; I just don't think about him that much.
I don't think I could ever love him, and I see no reason why I should. If he had been my stepfather, nobody would say I "have to" love him. Just because you share somebody's DNA doesn't mean you have to love that person.
Any similar experiences?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
I feel the same way. I love them in the sense I pray for them, but right now, I have barely spoken to my sister for 2 years, or my father for a year. I do not miss them at all, even with things having been good with my father for awhile.
I was lectured on another board that I would regret not having a relationship with my sister, because the poster deeply missed her brother, even though they fought sometimes. It is apparently impossible for people with normal relationships to grasp that not all of us have that. My sister was never my friend, so what am I supposed to miss?
I have spent my life hearing criticisms from my dad, and occasional physical abuse. Hearing last February that he 'doesn't like me' (in addition to a lengthy list of my failings) was the last straw. Something snapped and I realized if my family can go around 'not liking' me, I certainly am under no obligation to like them, either, and realized, finally, I don't like my mother, my father, or my sister.
I was lectured on another board that I would regret not having a relationship with my sister, because the poster deeply missed her brother, even though they fought sometimes. It is apparently impossible for people with normal relationships to grasp that not all of us have that. My sister was never my friend, so what am I supposed to miss?
I have spent my life hearing criticisms from my dad, and occasional physical abuse. Hearing last February that he 'doesn't like me' (in addition to a lengthy list of my failings) was the last straw. Something snapped and I realized if my family can go around 'not liking' me, I certainly am under no obligation to like them, either, and realized, finally, I don't like my mother, my father, or my sister.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Central, La.
Posts: 422
I can relate to just about everyone. As I grew up I faced abuse from both parents.My father was a alcoholic and my mother a addict. Neither of them could really express or demonstrate love in any understandable way. Time moves on and there is even open hostility between us. This went on for years. Life was surreal. Needless to say I hated them for most of my life and at best we tolerated one another.. Life was pretty much what you would expect in that type of environment.
In the beginning I used as a means of escape and pleasure. I blamed them for my problems until I got sober and not all at once. I have to say my father and I reconciled several years before I got sober and he died. We were okay until his death, my mother on the other hand was different. She succumbed to Alzheimer's. That left me without closure. I thought I would have to write a letter to her and read it over her grave to find some release. After getting sober and considering it, I had an epiphany where the AA book crystallized within me. I understood they were both sick people who were brought to use the only tools they knew how to use on a child who was stubborn and determined to get what he wanted. Once I understood this deep within myself the resentments seemed to lift and fade. I have been released from the resentments and with them, the pain of the abuse, physical, verbal, psychological, and emotional (maybe sharing this could shed some light; dad would be beating on me and mom would say that's not enough) I endured as a child, adolescent, and adult.
Do I love them?
Honestly, I don't know....
Am I free of the pain and resentments of the past?
Yes, and for now that is good enough. I can speak of the past with them and not feel anger towards them or myself.
I am not defending them or their actions. I simply understand and accept their illness and its' influence on my life. It is up to me to do the work and move on, grow and live.
Love? I am really just now recognizing the depth of what love really is. I was married to a woman who truly loved me and I her in my own twisted way. We are remarried after being divorced for five years from a 13 year marriage. I love her more now than I did before, that has come from loving myself as a good person, not a defective human being. This could not have happened without sobriety and learning how to live and really feel all the feeling which come with living life on life's terms...
I can only share my experience with you all. I am certain others suffered far more than me so I can't say what worked for me will for you.
Life is good now. Keep working on the problems, it will work and you will find peace where there used to be anger and pain.............
Peace.............
In the beginning I used as a means of escape and pleasure. I blamed them for my problems until I got sober and not all at once. I have to say my father and I reconciled several years before I got sober and he died. We were okay until his death, my mother on the other hand was different. She succumbed to Alzheimer's. That left me without closure. I thought I would have to write a letter to her and read it over her grave to find some release. After getting sober and considering it, I had an epiphany where the AA book crystallized within me. I understood they were both sick people who were brought to use the only tools they knew how to use on a child who was stubborn and determined to get what he wanted. Once I understood this deep within myself the resentments seemed to lift and fade. I have been released from the resentments and with them, the pain of the abuse, physical, verbal, psychological, and emotional (maybe sharing this could shed some light; dad would be beating on me and mom would say that's not enough) I endured as a child, adolescent, and adult.
Do I love them?
Honestly, I don't know....
Am I free of the pain and resentments of the past?
Yes, and for now that is good enough. I can speak of the past with them and not feel anger towards them or myself.
I am not defending them or their actions. I simply understand and accept their illness and its' influence on my life. It is up to me to do the work and move on, grow and live.
Love? I am really just now recognizing the depth of what love really is. I was married to a woman who truly loved me and I her in my own twisted way. We are remarried after being divorced for five years from a 13 year marriage. I love her more now than I did before, that has come from loving myself as a good person, not a defective human being. This could not have happened without sobriety and learning how to live and really feel all the feeling which come with living life on life's terms...
I can only share my experience with you all. I am certain others suffered far more than me so I can't say what worked for me will for you.
Life is good now. Keep working on the problems, it will work and you will find peace where there used to be anger and pain.............
Peace.............
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by EveningRose
Something snapped and I realized if my family can go around 'not liking' me, I certainly am under no obligation to like them, either.
. Why is it that we are supposed to put up w/ their insults, humiliation, and emotional abuse all for the sake of they someday may come around and/or they are blood related? Why is it that they are entitled to their emotions EVERY time, yet I have no right to my concerns and wishes, wants, and needs? It's not good for anyone to be in a relationship like this and it would be dysfunctional and guilt-ridden to regret not being in a relationship with them--when that is all they want to do is obliterate the he** out of ya. So, I look at it this way--as long as they are entitled to go around treating everyone like dirt, I am entitled to not be around it--and have the sense and respect for myself to not allow it to continue.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
as long as they are entitled to go around treating everyone like dirt, I am entitled to not be around it
I find myself often repeating "I have the right to not participate in the crazy-making behaviors of my family." It works amazingly well!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 225
In deep down love one is free to choose one's own boundaries. Tough love actually is love even though it is painted as something different. It is love because it rescues you and I from going under. "I love you and I am pushing you away" is because "I love me and I am pushing you away". In other words "I love the kind of self respecting people both you and I should be".
One should never feel that one has to feel affection for people that haven't earned it. (The word 'love' usually taken to mean 'affection'.)
Those are my views about the difficult people in my life.
One should never feel that one has to feel affection for people that haven't earned it. (The word 'love' usually taken to mean 'affection'.)
Those are my views about the difficult people in my life.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
I relate to a lot in this post. I do love my sister but I struggle to understand her. At times, I feel empathy for her when she is rude to me or judges me for my behaviour (but then am I judging her and deciding her inventory - ie. shes in denial ) or just perceving a truth? I stuggle because she doesn;t acknowledge anything negative in her behaviour but only mine? I find myself wondering about the alanon saying "WHAT YOU DEFEND YOU MAKE REAL" and i toss between looking at if ive been offensive or rude or if im just standing up for myself. i know i have a fiery temperament at times in relation to family issues because of all the years of abuse, alcoholism and she has the attitude of "its in the past, not now, let it go"
mine is "its in the past and thus has had an effect on me now, i need to process that so i can change" and her response feels like a long groan and roll of the eyes.
i still feel emeshed to her because i want her acknowledgement the past has had an effect on my life, that im hurting and i need her support but there feels like there are all these unspoken rules i have broken..
i felt shattered when she didnt spend xmas with me but she is hung up on the fact i walked out on mothers day when she insulted me because "it was all about mum not me"
aside from the flares of anger, i also feel she is inconsiderate, that she has betrayed me and that she only wants a relationship on her terms.
maybe im doing the same? i just feel that i always share how i feel and she shares taht how she feels because of me! and she calls me self-absorbed and theatrical.
i tire of how i feel, i feel sorry for her but i also feel angry when recovery is available.
i dont know how to talk to her anymore, i dont know how to convey my love, i feel like its never good enough for her, i feel sad that i might say nothing, i feel guilt that what i feel is crazy.; part of me wants to do nothing, but i feel im just avoiding the conflict, that will result in me having to tell her, i feel unsupported, that i recognise her failed expectations of me and that i need to share how she failed my expectations, (my expectations). i dont know. lost.
mine is "its in the past and thus has had an effect on me now, i need to process that so i can change" and her response feels like a long groan and roll of the eyes.
i still feel emeshed to her because i want her acknowledgement the past has had an effect on my life, that im hurting and i need her support but there feels like there are all these unspoken rules i have broken..
i felt shattered when she didnt spend xmas with me but she is hung up on the fact i walked out on mothers day when she insulted me because "it was all about mum not me"
aside from the flares of anger, i also feel she is inconsiderate, that she has betrayed me and that she only wants a relationship on her terms.
maybe im doing the same? i just feel that i always share how i feel and she shares taht how she feels because of me! and she calls me self-absorbed and theatrical.
i tire of how i feel, i feel sorry for her but i also feel angry when recovery is available.
i dont know how to talk to her anymore, i dont know how to convey my love, i feel like its never good enough for her, i feel sad that i might say nothing, i feel guilt that what i feel is crazy.; part of me wants to do nothing, but i feel im just avoiding the conflict, that will result in me having to tell her, i feel unsupported, that i recognise her failed expectations of me and that i need to share how she failed my expectations, (my expectations). i dont know. lost.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by kudzujean
My father died of alcoholism when I was in first grade. My only memories of him are unpleasant ones. Such as him fighting with my mother, taking me with him to buy him some beer at a joint where a dog bit me. I had to get stitches.
FYI I am in my late 50's now.
He encouraged my older sister to beat up on me. I think that was mostly to get at my mother. By that time all they did was fight. But that in no way excuses it.
For years I wasn't allowed to express my feelings about him (good old no-talk rule). I found ACOA meetings in the mid 1980's and attended for several years. I have been attending Al Anon for 7 years. Also, over the years I've had mucho therapy, including experiential group therapy which was very helpful to me.
When I talk about my father, I refer to him by his first name. I'm not as angry at him as I used to be; I just don't think about him that much.
I don't think I could ever love him, and I see no reason why I should. If he had been my stepfather, nobody would say I "have to" love him. Just because you share somebody's DNA doesn't mean you have to love that person.
Any similar experiences?
FYI I am in my late 50's now.
He encouraged my older sister to beat up on me. I think that was mostly to get at my mother. By that time all they did was fight. But that in no way excuses it.
For years I wasn't allowed to express my feelings about him (good old no-talk rule). I found ACOA meetings in the mid 1980's and attended for several years. I have been attending Al Anon for 7 years. Also, over the years I've had mucho therapy, including experiential group therapy which was very helpful to me.
When I talk about my father, I refer to him by his first name. I'm not as angry at him as I used to be; I just don't think about him that much.
I don't think I could ever love him, and I see no reason why I should. If he had been my stepfather, nobody would say I "have to" love him. Just because you share somebody's DNA doesn't mean you have to love that person.
Any similar experiences?
However, while my dad has never recovered, I have had the chance to age with him (I'm older than he is in many ways). He has done a lot of good things for me that your dad never had the chance to do, despite his on again off again drinking and lack of recovery.
I guess I'm not really sure how to put it into words, but had your dad lived longer he might have done more damage (as did mine), but he might have done a lot of good (as did mine) and your thoughts might be... Even more tangled ('cause that is how mine are), again why I struggle with words on this one.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 3
Thank you all for this thread. I am a newbie on these forums and it is so helpful to find a bunch of people who truly understand what I’ve been going through.
I have struggled with “loving” my alcoholic mother for a long time. It’s hard to admit, even now, but I do not like or love my mother. All I have left is a sense of responsibility and obligation that I can’t seem to shake.
I have struggled with “loving” my alcoholic mother for a long time. It’s hard to admit, even now, but I do not like or love my mother. All I have left is a sense of responsibility and obligation that I can’t seem to shake.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Just a Wee Bit of Encouragement
When I was new in recovery, I had to take the MMPI (the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory). After completion, a social worker deduced, from some of my answers, that I had unresolved issues regarding my father. She 'figured' this all out from my 'fill-in-the-blanks' where I inserted 'an a**hole' in sentences such as.........: My father is/was _________.
Poor social worker, I had to educate her in the truth (facts, even) that there are a lot of a**holes in this world, and unfortunately, some of them are our relatives......! My 'fill-in-the-blanks' stayed as they were (the truth.....LOLOL). I mean, let's be honest here; I doubt that Charlie Manson's son thinks of his father as a great guy; a great role model......eh?
I've always found it funny that so many folks feel that we should be obligated to love our family members, simply because they are 'family.' Well, not me, bubba; I choose my friends, and some of my family members would not even make the long list, let alone be in the top 10 (or even the top 1000).
Kudzujean, you just keep on keepin on. Just be careful that your feelings regarding your father don't cross the line into anger, or resentment, or bitterness; this can be a dangerous place......... (o:
NoelleR
Poor social worker, I had to educate her in the truth (facts, even) that there are a lot of a**holes in this world, and unfortunately, some of them are our relatives......! My 'fill-in-the-blanks' stayed as they were (the truth.....LOLOL). I mean, let's be honest here; I doubt that Charlie Manson's son thinks of his father as a great guy; a great role model......eh?
I've always found it funny that so many folks feel that we should be obligated to love our family members, simply because they are 'family.' Well, not me, bubba; I choose my friends, and some of my family members would not even make the long list, let alone be in the top 10 (or even the top 1000).
Kudzujean, you just keep on keepin on. Just be careful that your feelings regarding your father don't cross the line into anger, or resentment, or bitterness; this can be a dangerous place......... (o:
NoelleR
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Im not too far from you in SC!
I had an alkie mom. I hated her for years. Now that I am 54, that hate is gone. I am just too tired to live what life I have left in hatred. I forgave her. She hasn't had a drop to drink in over 30 years, but a lot of the behavior remains. I stay away and talk once in a while on the phone. This works for me. That's not to say that Im not on here once in a while when she really gets under my skin, but that's what this place is for.
I had an alkie mom. I hated her for years. Now that I am 54, that hate is gone. I am just too tired to live what life I have left in hatred. I forgave her. She hasn't had a drop to drink in over 30 years, but a lot of the behavior remains. I stay away and talk once in a while on the phone. This works for me. That's not to say that Im not on here once in a while when she really gets under my skin, but that's what this place is for.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 194
so glad I found this thread. I do CoDA recovery work, similar to AcoA, except no alcohol/substances, only the crazy behaviors that in this case my mother has inflicted on me since I was born! I can so relate to almost all the crazy behaviors described above... and today... finally... I've realized that maybe... maybe I will never have the fairy tale relationship with my mom. No matter how much I work on me. And that's ok. And it's also ok to put some distance between us... because there are just too many triggers for me to deal with. I recently moved in with her, 4 mos ago, and with 18 mos. of recovery under my belt... I now know that this isn't a good option for my health: physical, emotional, spiritual. Never before have I been able to state that: mom is toxic to me. It's REALLY REALLY hard to state that out loud, because, well, she's mom and I should love her no matter what. I think this is a HUGE recovery moment for me. Thanks for this thread. And for the responses, which help validate my feelings.
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
evm - love your avatar! It took me some time, healing and recovery, also to realize that what I always wanted from others (that unconditional love and acceptance), I had to give to myself.
I used to attend an ACOA group, thinking my father was the problem - that's how my mother would characterize it...he had numerous affairs, and was prone to sudden bouts of anger...but, after spending time with the person I now refer to as "The Mother Figure," I realize had I been married to her for as many years as he has, I'd have strangled her long ago.
My sister, too, has always made me feel 'less than...' never supportive, always, always questioning my motives (I was always 'up to something' especially when trying to express any form of love).
Then, I married a man just like my father, who dumped me for his married girlfriend. I was pregnant (he accused me of running around on him), and found someone who I thought could provide me with a 'white picket fence' lifestyle...a few years into that marriage, I realized (with some recovery under my belt) that my god, I married [someone who's personality is identical to] to mother! The one person I'd been trying desperately to get away from my entire adult life!
That was the beginning of the end of that one.
I do say that I love my father, the mother figure and the sister figure, but no more than I would any other human who shares this earth with me. I don't freely give them love (it is questioned with scrutiny anyway), but just go into "survival" mode...just smile slightly and shut-up, bide my time. Play nice, so to speak.
I used to attend an ACOA group, thinking my father was the problem - that's how my mother would characterize it...he had numerous affairs, and was prone to sudden bouts of anger...but, after spending time with the person I now refer to as "The Mother Figure," I realize had I been married to her for as many years as he has, I'd have strangled her long ago.
My sister, too, has always made me feel 'less than...' never supportive, always, always questioning my motives (I was always 'up to something' especially when trying to express any form of love).
Then, I married a man just like my father, who dumped me for his married girlfriend. I was pregnant (he accused me of running around on him), and found someone who I thought could provide me with a 'white picket fence' lifestyle...a few years into that marriage, I realized (with some recovery under my belt) that my god, I married [someone who's personality is identical to] to mother! The one person I'd been trying desperately to get away from my entire adult life!
That was the beginning of the end of that one.
I do say that I love my father, the mother figure and the sister figure, but no more than I would any other human who shares this earth with me. I don't freely give them love (it is questioned with scrutiny anyway), but just go into "survival" mode...just smile slightly and shut-up, bide my time. Play nice, so to speak.
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