mamasmitty

I moved back in with my X husband about 2 years ago. We were going to try to work it out. He has custody of the "kids" (Now 21 and almost 18) And I wanted to be with them too! I had had an affair with a man of a different race, which ended our marrage. (which I felt was already over before I even met the guy!) But that is another story too. I will try to make a long story short. He started drinking a half a fifth of whisky a day and then goes to the bar after that shortly after I moved in. He throws up almost every morning, and the kids hear this. It upsets me greatly that they have to whitness this. He is basicly a good man. Has a good job and "takes care of busness" at home. Every day I must hear him "justify" his going to the bar. He will say things like "You had a good dinner didn't you"? (he cooks, I clean) I say "yes, it was wonderful" (he really is a good cook!) then he goes through one ot two other things that he has done that evening, then says "I'm going to go have a beer." The kids come home and ask where he is, I point to the bar (which is within sight of our house) I know they know where he is without asking me. They have expressed concerns for his health. We have all asked him to go to the doctor, but he is in denile, and makes up every other kind of excuse for why he is throwing up and other assorted ailments. He is parinoid and insecure. He wonders why I don't want to have sex with him! He smells and is VERY sweaty, has bad hygean (to my standards) and is now VERY overweight! Although my kids are older, my youngest still has one more year of highschool to go. I know he already gets high, I hate for him to have this "role modle" in front of him. I feel I have to "compensate" for his drinking by being almost a 'tea totaler" so the kids can have a "good" role model! I DO love this man, I have known him since we were 4 years old! (we are now 42) I cannot imaging my life without him. But I am not "In Love" with him. I don't know that I ever could be. Asside from the fact that he drinks, his lack of hygene really bothers me! Not to get off track, but to give an idea, he leaves pee and other "stuff" on the toilet seat. Dirty Q-tips laying around (there ARE pleanty of trash cans) wipes his sweat and dirty mouth on the had towels in the kitchen, throws up in the kitchen sink, you get the idea. Now and I the one being too unrealistic about not wanting that around??? For real! I have often wondered if I am the one being "anal retentive" or if he is the one being just Nasty! We, or should I say He, has a beautiful home, which we built on the 2 1/2 acers that my mother gave me as part of my inheritence 6 years ago. The land has been in my family for almost 100 years! He got EVERYTHING in the devorce. I felt fortunate to be able to move back in and have that part as well as my children back in my life. But I find it increasingly hard to live day to day in these "conditions". My father was a recovering alcoholic, and lived by the "One Day At A Time" rule. I try to do that as well. It is also unsettling not Knowing what will happen when the kids finally move out, which will probably be in about a year. My name is not on the lease and he can sell anytime! (I do get half when he does sell) But then there goes the inheritence! My mother lives right next door, and I know it will break her heart to see it (and us) go. I chearish every moment my kids are at home which isn't much due to their ages and life goings on. I try to plan my life around when they will be there so I can see them. After all, I feel that is the whole thing that is holding me there. Funny thing is, I don't think that ANY of us want to be there right now! We are just waiting for the day when we will all go our seperate ways! Don't get me wrong, there is much love for each other. Just last night, my X husband said he just wants to live alone!
So after all my rambelings, what do you think of my situation. How would you feel and what would you do?

smoke gets in my eyes

First, I would assassinate my divorce lawyer. What kind of an idiot let your inheritance be awarded to your ex husband? Then I would woo and remarry the guy and get a better lawyer for round 2.

Kidding. But just barely. If everyone is just biding their time until the kids move, I guess I would try to stay on friendly terms and ask him when the time comes to sell me his half of the house, rather than putting it on the market. I wouldn't want to live with all that either. Yick. I get tense over the beard hairs on the sink and the half drunk cans of coca-cola Dino sometimes leaves around. He's going to wonder why he's getting such a big hug.

Welcome to the forums, Mamasmitty!
Hugs,
Smoke

EmotionalMeg

Hi mamasmitty,
First of all, take a deeeeeep breath, and KNOW that you don't have to make HUGE decisions right away. Give yourself a new start at things; Get to an Alanon meeting and let it all sink in. This is your opportunity to begin taking care of YOU - and stop having to obsess and worry and rage over what your A husband is (or is not) doing.

It sounds like, from what you said, that you don't really want this man as a life partner - at least not right now. This isn't a BAD thing. The disease of addiciton can be a horrible thing to be witness to, and your husband is actively destroying his life. I am sure you have wishes for him; for you. Perhaps you have expectations... Throw them out the window. He is not capable of living up to anyones standards but his own, and while activly drinking, he can only think of himself.

Your children are almost grown, and out of the house. This could be a blessing. It gives them a chance to seperate from the behavior they have been witness to with their father. It also gives YOU a chance to rediscover yourself - nope, you aren't ONLY a mom. Wouldn't it be great if you could begin healing and taking care of yourself, and in turn be able to share your wisdom and comfort with your children when you are ready. I am sure that THEY are as confused, angry and ashamed as you are.

My point is that you CANNOT do anything FOR your husband - he is choosing to live this way. What you CAN do is take charge of your own life... it is so healing. So forget WHAT he has done and said in the past, and forget what he is today... HIS life, HIS choices etc. are his. Hopefully one day he will crawl out of the denial and seek help, but you aren't doing him any good by complaining and getting in his way.

I hope that you'll come back here and share...
Take care
Meg

Hangin' In

Hi Mama,

You have every right to be disgusted with your husband's (or ex-husband's) lack of hygiene. Yuck! You have been a whole lot more tolerant than I would have been, but then again, I am not in your shoes.

I, too, recommend you finding an Al Anon meeting and get yourself involved in a 12 step program that will help you keep your sanity while you sort out what is really best for you and the kids. Like Meg said, you don't have to do anything drastic today. But coming to this board and reading and learning is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.

And, Smokes, I have to say this in defense of all the good lawyers out there: Don't blame them for happens in a divorce. Many times the client is so anxious to get out or have put themselves in a situation where they don't have the upper hand that the lawyer can only do so much. We've had many clients who instructed us to do whatever just to get the divorce over with.

Now hang in there, Mama. It is truly one day at a time. That's the only way you can weather all this mess!

Hugs,

Hangin' In

countrygirl

Number one good thing - the kids are so almost grown. Their character is already formed, although there may be some hurt in what they are seeing, their inner self will not be altered that much. And kids that age are way more interested in other people their own age. Even as bad as it may be, it will not be for long.

As for you, good for you, looking for answers. You will find them.

Good to meet you. Best wishes.

Daffodil

Welcome,

You are only alone if you choose to be...there alot of us out here that have been close to where you are right now...

Most of us have found anwsers for a new way of living our lives by going to Al-Anon meetings and coming here,,,

Love and prayers from one who cares