cyclelady

My STBXAH still lives in our basement. He refuses to move out until the courts "make" him. He is still drinking in the home, coming home intoxicated, saying all sorts of things crude hateful things about me to our children.

My STBXAH tells my 10 y/o son (my other children are often in at the same time) that I dont love anyone but myself. I am a ***** and bit@h and he will explain everything to him when he gets older about how I lie all the time too. He has told him that out of all 4 of our kids he is his favorite.

I do tell the kids to leave the room, then AH tells them that "This is America and they can do what they want" :wtf2 I then say no they are kids and they need to go in the other room. This usually continues a fight. I truly try NOT to engage. I tell the kids that what their dad says is not true.

Now before any of this AH didnt do ANYTHING w/ these kids, but NOW he wants 10 y/o to HELP him up in the garage and come and watch tv with him, wtf?

My question is this - I tell my 10 y/o to make his bed and pick up his clothes and he starts throwing an absolute fit saying EVERYTHING his dad says!! He throws that I dont love anyone but myself, he hates it here like his dad, he wants to go live with his dad when he moves out. I want everything perfect! ALL I asked him was to make his bed and pick his clothes up, this is NOT something new... How do I handle this?

Thanks everyone in advance!

Barbara52

That's gotta be tough. I sure would think this is tearing those kids apart inside. How unfortunate that their father doesn't care that he hurts them.

But I think you handle it like you would handle disrespect and bad behavior that had any other source.

laurie6781

I would say at this point that ALL your kids need to be in counseling RIGHT NOW. This is doing damage to them as the 10 y o is already showing.

Please check with your attorney, the family court and the county health agency where you live to find some adolescent counseling not only because of the upcoming separation/divorce but because of their father's addiction problems. You could also talk with his school counselor to get some referrals.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

hadenoughnow

My ex did the same sort of crap when I filed for divorce. Our son was 13 at the time so he knew his dad was just "acting out".

I filed with the court to get a hearing for a restraining order, then told the STBX that he had 21 days to get out or there would be a hearing. I told him that I would do whatever was necessary to have him removed and promised to be "very creative".

I also told him that the next time he got drunk and acted out in our house I would call the police and tell them that he was threatening suicide (here in MI that means removal from the home if children are involved).

I let him know that I was prepared to do anything to get him out.

There is no reason that he should be allowed to stay and get intoxicated and terrorize you and the kids.

Contact your county court and see if they have anyone who can help you file for a restraining order (they do at every court here in MI).

blessed4x

(((cyclelady)))....I'm experiencing a bit of the same. My counselor said that children often test the parent they feel safest with. He is confident that he can let out his anger and frustration on you because you have proven to him that you are a constant factor in his life and you will love him through it.

Her suggestion was to name the feeling. Say something like, "I can see you are angry (or frustrated or sad), and I am here to listen when you are ready to talk about it." She also said to share my own feelings of sadness/anger and that I let them know we still have to talk to each other in a respectful manner. She explained that in an alcoholic home, often feelings are mislabeled and the kids are told everything is fine when it really is not and their gut tells them so. So part of helping them recover is labeling the feelings and teaching them to do so.

Hope that helps.....I'm in the same boat, and what I've been practicing so far is having pretty good results. Of course, we are all having our ups and downs, except STBXAH who is acting as if nothing were any different than it has been for the past 21 years........can you say DENIAL?!