advice for significant other of an addict in recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Davie, Fla
Posts: 21
advice for significant other of an addict in recovery
Hello everyone,
My name is Jeff, I am the fiancée of an addict in recovery (her drug of choice was methadone and Zanax, along with alcohol)
like most, I did not know about the addiction until after we moved in together.
She has come a long way since then, she went through the Suboxone clinic program and is now narcotics free. However, we are now at a point in her recovery were we argue every night about something.
It started when during her narcotics treatment she went shopping at a grocery story and got busted placing a cart full of items into her car without paying for any of them.
She then got charged with a misdemeanor theft charge and 2 felony possession counts (they found in her purse 1 Oxy pill and her son's prescription medication out of the prescription bottle.)
Then the court ordered her to attend the Sheriff's drug rehab program (1+ years long) plus AA/NA meetings.
She is now narcotics free only taking non narcotic anti depressant and non narcotic anti anxiety pill everyday.
The trouble started about 2 weeks ago, when after 7 months of this I am no longer able to support a family of 5 in addition to her court and medical costs with just my income.
I have been asking her to please get a job for the last month and every week she has an excuse as to why she is unable to do so. Then 2 weeks ago she was sent from the Sheriff's counseling program to an drugs and alcohol recovery center because she kept showing positive for bensodiasapine on her weekly urine tests. So now she uses that as a reason for not being able to get a job.
In addition to that she complains about me not being understanding enough of her situation and how she needs love, caring, understanding and unconditional love while she recovers. That I need to go to counseling to understand her and her recovery progress, that I should be so proud of her accomplishments thus far and I should be complimenting her in her progress
I try to tell her that I do love her very much but no amount of “unconditional love” is going to pay the bills. I had to take a week off from work for the kids spring break because I could not afford to send them to spring day camp. I also told her that no one compliments me for getting to work on time, or for having 2 jobs or for doing any of the things that I have to do on a regular basis ( I know that was harsh but I was upset and its the truth of how I felt). I also confronted her with my believe that she is trying to milk the system and crying “poor poor pitiful me” while I have 2 jobs and try to keep the family afloat.
We are not arguing every night, and if all goes the way its going we will break the relationship by the end of the week!
Any advice?????
:praying
Thank you,
Jeff
My name is Jeff, I am the fiancée of an addict in recovery (her drug of choice was methadone and Zanax, along with alcohol)
like most, I did not know about the addiction until after we moved in together.
She has come a long way since then, she went through the Suboxone clinic program and is now narcotics free. However, we are now at a point in her recovery were we argue every night about something.
It started when during her narcotics treatment she went shopping at a grocery story and got busted placing a cart full of items into her car without paying for any of them.
She then got charged with a misdemeanor theft charge and 2 felony possession counts (they found in her purse 1 Oxy pill and her son's prescription medication out of the prescription bottle.)
Then the court ordered her to attend the Sheriff's drug rehab program (1+ years long) plus AA/NA meetings.
She is now narcotics free only taking non narcotic anti depressant and non narcotic anti anxiety pill everyday.
The trouble started about 2 weeks ago, when after 7 months of this I am no longer able to support a family of 5 in addition to her court and medical costs with just my income.
I have been asking her to please get a job for the last month and every week she has an excuse as to why she is unable to do so. Then 2 weeks ago she was sent from the Sheriff's counseling program to an drugs and alcohol recovery center because she kept showing positive for bensodiasapine on her weekly urine tests. So now she uses that as a reason for not being able to get a job.
In addition to that she complains about me not being understanding enough of her situation and how she needs love, caring, understanding and unconditional love while she recovers. That I need to go to counseling to understand her and her recovery progress, that I should be so proud of her accomplishments thus far and I should be complimenting her in her progress
I try to tell her that I do love her very much but no amount of “unconditional love” is going to pay the bills. I had to take a week off from work for the kids spring break because I could not afford to send them to spring day camp. I also told her that no one compliments me for getting to work on time, or for having 2 jobs or for doing any of the things that I have to do on a regular basis ( I know that was harsh but I was upset and its the truth of how I felt). I also confronted her with my believe that she is trying to milk the system and crying “poor poor pitiful me” while I have 2 jobs and try to keep the family afloat.
We are not arguing every night, and if all goes the way its going we will break the relationship by the end of the week!
Any advice?????
:prayingThank you,
Jeff
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I'm a recovering addict, and I also have loved ones who are addicts, so I've been on both sides of addiction.
FWIW, I totally agree with you, that she needs to get a job. Part of my recovery was learning to be clean and deal with life, which meant working, paying bills, etc. I had run up debt, that got even larger because I didn't deal with it while I was using. I am still dealing with this, 2 years clean.
You are not responsible for taking care of her. She's an adult and can deal with her own consequences. I hope you will read some other posts and get an idea of what boundaries you can set (what you will tolerate). This shouldn't all be about her..you deserve your serenity, too.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering addict, and I also have loved ones who are addicts, so I've been on both sides of addiction.
FWIW, I totally agree with you, that she needs to get a job. Part of my recovery was learning to be clean and deal with life, which meant working, paying bills, etc. I had run up debt, that got even larger because I didn't deal with it while I was using. I am still dealing with this, 2 years clean.
You are not responsible for taking care of her. She's an adult and can deal with her own consequences. I hope you will read some other posts and get an idea of what boundaries you can set (what you will tolerate). This shouldn't all be about her..you deserve your serenity, too.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Yeah, she is full of cr@p. I am in recovery, same thing as your fiancee, and took no days off of work. Just go to meetings after work every night. I work 50 hours every week. I am a single mom with a daughter I'm putting through college, and a son in HS. I don't get any help. So I have to work hard to pay my bills. Maybe that is why I do work hard, because I have to. Maybe that is why your fiancee does not work, because she doesn't have to!
I was also in your position quite recently. I was dating a man in recovery who as soon as we started dating (I mean practically the day we hooked up) quit his job! And started hanging about my home sponging off me. Eating up my food. Watching my lovely cable and showering in my nice hot water, all paid for by me!!! And he was soon asking me for money (which he did not get). Of course he wanted to move in. Why wouldn't he want to? He had to pay rent at his apt, and my home would be free, the way he looked at it. I was clever enough not to allow that, although he tried to dope-fiend me into it, by continually leaving additional items in my room. Oddly, I thought, despite my assurances that I would break up with him if he did not get a job, he never did find work. Instead, he spent all his free time at meeting after meeting and on the computer "job-seeking." And had the nerve to criticize me for not getting to enough meetings in my early recovery! Well, I had to work overtime to pay for everything, didn't I?
Soon, after only 8 weeks of this nonsense, I wised up and told him I didn't want to see him anymore. Now he stalks me, but at least my food and my water supplies are safe!
I am happy you haven't married this selfish woman yet. Don't do it unless she learns how to meet you half way. Do you have children together? Don't do that either at this point in her recovery. If neither, you can make a clean break if she doesn't come around.
Part of our recovery is "Life on lifes' terms!" You can tell her another recovering addict told you about that phrase. What it means is that she is expected in her recovery to learn to live as a productive member of general society. That she doesn't enjoy some kind of special protected addict status. That she needs to earn her keep. Get a job, woman!
And you need to get to alanon!
Love,
KJ
I was also in your position quite recently. I was dating a man in recovery who as soon as we started dating (I mean practically the day we hooked up) quit his job! And started hanging about my home sponging off me. Eating up my food. Watching my lovely cable and showering in my nice hot water, all paid for by me!!! And he was soon asking me for money (which he did not get). Of course he wanted to move in. Why wouldn't he want to? He had to pay rent at his apt, and my home would be free, the way he looked at it. I was clever enough not to allow that, although he tried to dope-fiend me into it, by continually leaving additional items in my room. Oddly, I thought, despite my assurances that I would break up with him if he did not get a job, he never did find work. Instead, he spent all his free time at meeting after meeting and on the computer "job-seeking." And had the nerve to criticize me for not getting to enough meetings in my early recovery! Well, I had to work overtime to pay for everything, didn't I?
Soon, after only 8 weeks of this nonsense, I wised up and told him I didn't want to see him anymore. Now he stalks me, but at least my food and my water supplies are safe!
I am happy you haven't married this selfish woman yet. Don't do it unless she learns how to meet you half way. Do you have children together? Don't do that either at this point in her recovery. If neither, you can make a clean break if she doesn't come around.
Part of our recovery is "Life on lifes' terms!" You can tell her another recovering addict told you about that phrase. What it means is that she is expected in her recovery to learn to live as a productive member of general society. That she doesn't enjoy some kind of special protected addict status. That she needs to earn her keep. Get a job, woman!
And you need to get to alanon!
Love,
KJ
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Sounds like the arguing is a symptom of expectations not being met. I get the feeling you want someone to tell you it's okay to end this? Why? If you are being used and you want to end it, it may be for the best...yours and hers.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Welcome to the SR Family, Jeff. It's pretty ironic, my ex husband's name is Jeff and I played him like it sounds like this woman is playing you.
For starters, she isn't in Recovery if she is still testing positive for Benzo's, running around with even 1 Oxy in her purse, her son's Rx meds, (in or out of the bottle) stealing from stores, . . . None of this is Recovery. Even if she hadn't "dropped dirty" throughout this whole time, Recovery is much more than just being clean. . . it's about changing your entire life, lifestyle, actions, behaviors, . . . . None of these things signifies any kind of Recovery.
You having to miss a week of work to take care of kids whether they are a yours, mine or ours, is crazy! When I finally got clean & sober in 2005, I was on unemployment at first, but after a few months, even before my unemployment was close to running out, I got a job. It was what I like to call a "get well" job at first, just part time, about 30 hours a week and nothing that was super stressful, but I had bills to pay and I needed to get back into the swing of a "normal life." There is no reason why she can't work, sounds like she is just going to continue to play you with the "poor me stuff" until you two either split up and she is forced to go to work or she suckers some other poor, unknowing man in.
You have no reasons, IMO, to apologize for the things you said. You're right, no one gives you a good ole boy for you doing what most every other responsible person out there is doing, going to work to support their family. If you're asking for my opinion, I would give her a deadline to get some kind of a job and make it clear, under no uncertain terms will you tolerate any more arrests, dropping dirty, any more behaviors that she has been displaying.
I'm sure you do care a great deal for her or else you wouldn't have been tolerating all of this. But you have to start taking care of yourself! I suggest going to Alanon Meetings, you will find a great deal of support there and people just like yourself you will be able to identify with everything you are going through. There also is a great forum here, which I just noticed you posted under. Keep reading, share as much as you are comfortable with and remember, you are not alone and you need to take care of you!!!!
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Davie, Fla
Posts: 21
thank you for that, she she has used the "life in life terms" on me several times, she keeps telling me ... in 2 weeks when am done with this month long program (drug and alcohol recovery center) she will be able to get a job, I insist why not now at least part time you will be making some money to help us FEED YOU. ohh no her recovery is more important she says, now she is seeking case management help for food, money, and a place to stay because if she gets a job it will screw up her case management.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Davie, Fla
Posts: 21
Serenity thank you for your reply too.
I do love her very much, and she does come up with reasons why is not able to work, and I feel that once that reason is removed another will come up.
at this point she is drug free altogether, she finished the Suboxone treatment and is now only taking non narcotic anti depresents and non narcotic anti anxiety meds prescribed by the Drug Rehab program doctor (court ordered Drug Rehab administered by the Sheriff Office).
she did pop positive after a month of being in the program for Benzo, however she claims that herself and other poped false positive due to Zoloft, a statement that I am unable to confirm or deny.
she has been ordered to this other 1 month special outpatient treatment program for people who pop positive for any subsatance (Drug and alcohol Recovery Center).
she has to attend this from 830 am to 1230 pm, which leaves 1pm to whenever to work right? but she insists that she has to concentrate on recovery and cannot work until at least she finishes this program in 2 more weeks. to please hold out that long!
Meanwhile I am strugling to figure out how am going to pay for the boy's after school care (I have 2 kids she has 1, my little one is in daycare and my older one in school then after care, her son is the same age as my son) I already work full time and working another part time.
Today she said she her couselors are urging her to leave me that its unhealthy for her to be with me, she has to concentrate on her recovery and being with me will not help her recover, she started a case management request. this will allow her to get a place to live with women in distress and give her food, money and "TIME" she needs to recover. she stated that I will see how strong of a woman she is and once she recovers and "blooms" I will be sooo proud of her achievement, then she will get 2 jobs if she has to!
I do love her very much, and she does come up with reasons why is not able to work, and I feel that once that reason is removed another will come up.
at this point she is drug free altogether, she finished the Suboxone treatment and is now only taking non narcotic anti depresents and non narcotic anti anxiety meds prescribed by the Drug Rehab program doctor (court ordered Drug Rehab administered by the Sheriff Office).
she did pop positive after a month of being in the program for Benzo, however she claims that herself and other poped false positive due to Zoloft, a statement that I am unable to confirm or deny.
she has been ordered to this other 1 month special outpatient treatment program for people who pop positive for any subsatance (Drug and alcohol Recovery Center).
she has to attend this from 830 am to 1230 pm, which leaves 1pm to whenever to work right? but she insists that she has to concentrate on recovery and cannot work until at least she finishes this program in 2 more weeks. to please hold out that long!
Meanwhile I am strugling to figure out how am going to pay for the boy's after school care (I have 2 kids she has 1, my little one is in daycare and my older one in school then after care, her son is the same age as my son) I already work full time and working another part time.
Today she said she her couselors are urging her to leave me that its unhealthy for her to be with me, she has to concentrate on her recovery and being with me will not help her recover, she started a case management request. this will allow her to get a place to live with women in distress and give her food, money and "TIME" she needs to recover. she stated that I will see how strong of a woman she is and once she recovers and "blooms" I will be sooo proud of her achievement, then she will get 2 jobs if she has to!
Last edited by jwsablich; 04-09-2009 at 05:18 AM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Davie, Fla
Posts: 21
krhea75,
you are right, no way to put it in any other words, I have some expectations that are not being met.
Obviously I want her to recover, how fast well thats not an easy answer. but one can see the eagerness of a person wanting to break free from this to one that goes through the motions and does the minimum required.
I am trying to hold a family of 5 together, and like the lady who wrote above, I feel she is using my nice hot water, my nice cable in a comfortable A/C home so why get a job!
thats why I have been urging her to get a job, whatever job, waitresing to whatever even if its part time. but she feels that case management is going to be more helpful because if she gets a job and we do split up anyway, she will be left high and dry so she wants to have that instead of working. (as per her this morning)
you are right, no way to put it in any other words, I have some expectations that are not being met.
Obviously I want her to recover, how fast well thats not an easy answer. but one can see the eagerness of a person wanting to break free from this to one that goes through the motions and does the minimum required.
I am trying to hold a family of 5 together, and like the lady who wrote above, I feel she is using my nice hot water, my nice cable in a comfortable A/C home so why get a job!
thats why I have been urging her to get a job, whatever job, waitresing to whatever even if its part time. but she feels that case management is going to be more helpful because if she gets a job and we do split up anyway, she will be left high and dry so she wants to have that instead of working. (as per her this morning)
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
My daughter and her "boyfriend" have been on methadone for over 1 year. They are both getting disability, he sits in his rented room and plays video games all day. She occasionally cleans houses for people. They go to NO meetings, and both react like teenagers when challenged on anything.
They are both in their early 30's and I can hardly stand either of them with their sense of entitlement, and anger at the system.
The point of this being, their maturity level stops whereever they started using. Good luck to ya! Addict brains are different than the average person's. They have learned to scam, manipulate, lie, steal to get what they want...
Glad to see you on this board, keep coming back...lots of encouragement here!! Do what you have to do to support your family and if that means kicking her to the curb....do it!!
They are both in their early 30's and I can hardly stand either of them with their sense of entitlement, and anger at the system.
The point of this being, their maturity level stops whereever they started using. Good luck to ya! Addict brains are different than the average person's. They have learned to scam, manipulate, lie, steal to get what they want...
Glad to see you on this board, keep coming back...lots of encouragement here!! Do what you have to do to support your family and if that means kicking her to the curb....do it!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Davie, Fla
Posts: 21
Notsleepingwell
thank you for your reply, I have to agree with you about my fiancee or soon to be ex...
she is always saying how its the system's fault that she is in rehab and having to endure the recovery, blames the sheriff's lack of concern for genuine good people in a bad situation. she also states that the cops are the corrupt ones they are the ones who swapped the her pills so the serial # on the pill would not match the serial # she purchased from the pharmacy.
its incredible how they lack the common sense to understand that they are in the situation they are because they themselves made it so!
Jeff
thank you for your reply, I have to agree with you about my fiancee or soon to be ex...
she is always saying how its the system's fault that she is in rehab and having to endure the recovery, blames the sheriff's lack of concern for genuine good people in a bad situation. she also states that the cops are the corrupt ones they are the ones who swapped the her pills so the serial # on the pill would not match the serial # she purchased from the pharmacy.
its incredible how they lack the common sense to understand that they are in the situation they are because they themselves made it so!
Jeff
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Davie, Fla
Posts: 21
Notsleepingwell
thank you for your reply, I have to agree with you about my fiancee or soon to be ex...
she is always saying how its the system's fault that she is in rehab and having to endure the recovery, blames the sheriff's lack of concern for genuine good people in a bad situation. she also states that the cops are the corrupt ones they are the ones who swapped the her pills so the serial # on the pill would not match the serial # she purchased from the pharmacy.
its incredible how they lack the common sense to understand that they are in the situation they are because they themselves made it so!
Jeff
thank you for your reply, I have to agree with you about my fiancee or soon to be ex...
she is always saying how its the system's fault that she is in rehab and having to endure the recovery, blames the sheriff's lack of concern for genuine good people in a bad situation. she also states that the cops are the corrupt ones they are the ones who swapped the her pills so the serial # on the pill would not match the serial # she purchased from the pharmacy.
its incredible how they lack the common sense to understand that they are in the situation they are because they themselves made it so!
Jeff
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
**some** addicts scam, lie, steal, and manipulate to get what they want. I never did. I worked overtime to get my stuff, personally. Just saying, is all. You're right about most of us, though, as I've found by being at NA a lot. Most of us are full of cr@p, even after years in the program. Recovery is possible, I think I'm a living example of that. Just saying.
KJ
KJ
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I suspect that most who test positive, claim it's a mistake, not too different from most people in prison, who are there because they got framed or such other nonsence.
It really sounds like she is far from done and has learned the ropes, to milk the system.
I cannot imagine your life is better off with her in it, than not, all things considered. You sound like a great guy and dad.
It really sounds like she is far from done and has learned the ropes, to milk the system.
I cannot imagine your life is better off with her in it, than not, all things considered. You sound like a great guy and dad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Davie, Fla
Posts: 21
I feel soo weak right now, so confused, so much in pain, my heart feels like its sinking inwards.
I have this week off from work taking care of my kids and her son for spring break.
she will soon arrive and so far the decision has been for her to move out.
that said, I feel soooo tremendously bad, I feel like I am abandoning her during her hour of greatest need.
I want to reach out to her and say please get a part time job and we can make it through this just put an ounce of effort an I can go on another day.
This is the woman I have asked to marry me, the woman I love so dearly, the one I was supposed to grow old with. My kids call her MAMA it just hurts so incredibly painful.
I just dont know what to do !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:praying
I have this week off from work taking care of my kids and her son for spring break.
she will soon arrive and so far the decision has been for her to move out.
that said, I feel soooo tremendously bad, I feel like I am abandoning her during her hour of greatest need.
I want to reach out to her and say please get a part time job and we can make it through this just put an ounce of effort an I can go on another day.
This is the woman I have asked to marry me, the woman I love so dearly, the one I was supposed to grow old with. My kids call her MAMA it just hurts so incredibly painful.
I just dont know what to do !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:praying
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Yes you do know what you should do. Do it for the kids if you can't do it for yourself. You know it's not good for them to watch this woman take advantage of you. And you deserve better. Goodbye doesn't have to be forever. Tell her, if you need to, that she can come back when she's working if you want.
KJ
KJ
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Davie, Fla
Posts: 21
Its over for now.
Well just like we were discussing, she once again pop positive on her Benzo test. she claims that it was a very tiny amount but still positive.
So she has been ordered to an 8 week IN PATIENT program at the Drug and Alcohol Recovery Center.
We are making arrangements for her son to go to her sister's out of state, and I made it clear that she can move back in ONLY once she completed the program successfully and has a FULL TIME job.
Somehow this makes it so much easier than having to agree to go our separate ways, this way the decision has been made for me and neither one of us has any choice but to follow them.
I have come to terms with the fact that I can do nothing more for her, from here on its all up to her, to finish the therapy and get the family she always wanted back.
Pray for me and for her thats all anyone of us can do now:praying
So she has been ordered to an 8 week IN PATIENT program at the Drug and Alcohol Recovery Center.
We are making arrangements for her son to go to her sister's out of state, and I made it clear that she can move back in ONLY once she completed the program successfully and has a FULL TIME job.
Somehow this makes it so much easier than having to agree to go our separate ways, this way the decision has been made for me and neither one of us has any choice but to follow them.
I have come to terms with the fact that I can do nothing more for her, from here on its all up to her, to finish the therapy and get the family she always wanted back.
Pray for me and for her thats all anyone of us can do now:praying
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Her poor kid. And just so you know, the tests don't come back positive unless there is a certain amount of drugs in her system. Tiny amounts won't do it. There has to be an amount that indicates that she took the drug recently. Only the forensic tests in murder cases show the kind of "tiny amount" she is talking about. She's still using drugs. Worse, for you, she's still lying.
And there is no way she is going to be employed full-time upon release from in-patient treatment. So unless she gets somewhere to stay like a half-way house, she will be knocking on your door again. I advise you to change the locks or move.
Love,
KJ
And there is no way she is going to be employed full-time upon release from in-patient treatment. So unless she gets somewhere to stay like a half-way house, she will be knocking on your door again. I advise you to change the locks or move.
Love,
KJ
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