Just feeling full of fear and lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Just feeling full of fear and lost
I'm working on my 4th step...
It's bringing up all kinds of stuff. I'm having some issues with low self esteem. I kinda feel like a loser. I'm 37 and still have not finished school. I'm afraid that I will never finish....
My bf and I are talking about moving in together.... O my, that has brought up some fear.... I have always been the one moving.... and it never had the happy ending.. My family is here.. I have 2 grandchildren here.
By the grace of God, I hope that my cancer is gone and done with.... but if it's not, I want to be near my family.... But then I'm afraid that if I don't make the move I will end up losing the relationship...
Fear, Fear, Fear, and some more Fear......
How do I start to over come low self esteem issues??
How do I know if I'm making the best decisions for myself and not out of emotions?
It's bringing up all kinds of stuff. I'm having some issues with low self esteem. I kinda feel like a loser. I'm 37 and still have not finished school. I'm afraid that I will never finish....
My bf and I are talking about moving in together.... O my, that has brought up some fear.... I have always been the one moving.... and it never had the happy ending.. My family is here.. I have 2 grandchildren here.
By the grace of God, I hope that my cancer is gone and done with.... but if it's not, I want to be near my family.... But then I'm afraid that if I don't make the move I will end up losing the relationship...
Fear, Fear, Fear, and some more Fear......
How do I start to over come low self esteem issues??
How do I know if I'm making the best decisions for myself and not out of emotions?
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
(((<<Kendra>>)))
I completely understand your struggle with doubts and fears. Every so often it seems I have to figure everything out at once AND fix the past, present, and future.
You can't figure it out all at once. No one can.
:ghug3
Two things to keep in mind:
Don't force yourself to make a decision on EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. You have to keep the ODAT perspective, write ideas down, pray, meditate, and talk to others (like you are doing right now). And breathe. Slowly.
Step 4 is about taking a full moral inventory, the good and bad stuff. That means enumerating your strengths and weaknesses. We ACOA's jump to the self-criticizing in Step 4 with a homing instinct that rivals a cruise missile. It can be hard actually to write down the good stuff, but I noticed that if I keep repeating those strengths, I actually start to believe in them and can describe them better. You have good stuff too!
I completely understand your struggle with doubts and fears. Every so often it seems I have to figure everything out at once AND fix the past, present, and future.
You can't figure it out all at once. No one can.
:ghug3
Two things to keep in mind:
Don't force yourself to make a decision on EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. You have to keep the ODAT perspective, write ideas down, pray, meditate, and talk to others (like you are doing right now). And breathe. Slowly.
Step 4 is about taking a full moral inventory, the good and bad stuff. That means enumerating your strengths and weaknesses. We ACOA's jump to the self-criticizing in Step 4 with a homing instinct that rivals a cruise missile. It can be hard actually to write down the good stuff, but I noticed that if I keep repeating those strengths, I actually start to believe in them and can describe them better. You have good stuff too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Part 2
Writing down my inventory has really put in my face my patterns that I do in relationships. I have not been able to sleep at all last night due to not being able to shut down my mind.
I spend so much time and energy trying to make my partner happy that I loss site of my own needs or happiness. Sometimes I even do things I don't want to out of fear of upsetting or even worse.... rejection from my bf.
My relationship now has already had some serious issues on BOTH ends. We broke up and now we are back together... But I'm still doing the same things.. He probably did not even know that I was doing things that made me feel bad because I don't communicate out of fear of his negative emotions or rejection. I have emailed him about all this.. this morning. He tried to get me to talk about it over the phone...... but I just can't yet. The fear is just so great.
I have decided not to move to Cleveland at this point in our relationship. I always uprooted my life for a relationship. I did say in the email that I can't move to Cleveland with the hopes we will workout.. Only to have to move back here and start my schooling all over again.
Now I'm just setting here wondering on how is going to respond... I'm full of fear and the unhealthy part of me is like... You should have not said anything. What if he leaves???
The healthier part of me is like... Kendra, you have to be able to talk about how you feel. You should not do things you don't want to out of fear of losing a man.
This growing stuff is really painful right now....
Do any of you have to communicate through email or letters because you just can't do it in person or over the phone? What the heck is wrong with me??
I spend so much time and energy trying to make my partner happy that I loss site of my own needs or happiness. Sometimes I even do things I don't want to out of fear of upsetting or even worse.... rejection from my bf.
My relationship now has already had some serious issues on BOTH ends. We broke up and now we are back together... But I'm still doing the same things.. He probably did not even know that I was doing things that made me feel bad because I don't communicate out of fear of his negative emotions or rejection. I have emailed him about all this.. this morning. He tried to get me to talk about it over the phone...... but I just can't yet. The fear is just so great.
I have decided not to move to Cleveland at this point in our relationship. I always uprooted my life for a relationship. I did say in the email that I can't move to Cleveland with the hopes we will workout.. Only to have to move back here and start my schooling all over again.
Now I'm just setting here wondering on how is going to respond... I'm full of fear and the unhealthy part of me is like... You should have not said anything. What if he leaves???
The healthier part of me is like... Kendra, you have to be able to talk about how you feel. You should not do things you don't want to out of fear of losing a man.
This growing stuff is really painful right now....
Do any of you have to communicate through email or letters because you just can't do it in person or over the phone? What the heck is wrong with me??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by KendraOH 
Do any of you have to communicate through email or letters because you just can't do it in person or over the phone? What the heck is wrong with me??
T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
(((Kendra)))
I'm proud of you for making that statement to your boyfriend. The fear of losing someone we care about by sticking to our guns -- by protecting ourself -- if such a huge thing for us ACoA folks.
But you did the right thing. Leaving my support system and diving headlong into questionable relationships is MY old habit too, and I suffered SO much because of it. How'd you get so smart at 37? It has taken me to 47 and I'm still not quite out of it!
Let's face it: Your life is much, much bigger than just whatever boyfriend you choose to be with.
You have grandkids you love. You are working to make you prouder of yourself through finishing school. You have hopes and goals and dreams that are YOURS - a romantic relationship is not going to fill these holes for you, as much as your unhealthy side craves it. It's just another drug -- risking damaging yourself in order to get that short-term rush of relief and safety.
I'm sure he's great in many ways. But he cannot make you happy. Only you can make you happy.
If he can't live with that, then it's sad, but it's too bad. Nobody is going to take care of Kendra but Kendra. I'm glad you're doing the hard work of fixing what's broken in you, step by painful step. The day will dawn when you look in the mirror and feel so proud of yourself you'll start to cry. I did.
The world will belong to you then.
Step 4 is hard, so hard. Sending you big hugs and all my support to do what you need to do to build a woman who's stronger, wiser, more honest, and more joyful -- with or without that particular man in your life.
I'm proud of you for making that statement to your boyfriend. The fear of losing someone we care about by sticking to our guns -- by protecting ourself -- if such a huge thing for us ACoA folks.
But you did the right thing. Leaving my support system and diving headlong into questionable relationships is MY old habit too, and I suffered SO much because of it. How'd you get so smart at 37? It has taken me to 47 and I'm still not quite out of it!
Let's face it: Your life is much, much bigger than just whatever boyfriend you choose to be with.
You have grandkids you love. You are working to make you prouder of yourself through finishing school. You have hopes and goals and dreams that are YOURS - a romantic relationship is not going to fill these holes for you, as much as your unhealthy side craves it. It's just another drug -- risking damaging yourself in order to get that short-term rush of relief and safety.
I'm sure he's great in many ways. But he cannot make you happy. Only you can make you happy.
If he can't live with that, then it's sad, but it's too bad. Nobody is going to take care of Kendra but Kendra. I'm glad you're doing the hard work of fixing what's broken in you, step by painful step. The day will dawn when you look in the mirror and feel so proud of yourself you'll start to cry. I did.
The world will belong to you then.
Step 4 is hard, so hard. Sending you big hugs and all my support to do what you need to do to build a woman who's stronger, wiser, more honest, and more joyful -- with or without that particular man in your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by grewupinabarn
(((<<Kendra>>)))
I completely understand your struggle with doubts and fears. Every so often it seems I have to figure everything out at once AND fix the past, present, and future.
You can't figure it out all at once. No one can.
:ghug3
I completely understand your struggle with doubts and fears. Every so often it seems I have to figure everything out at once AND fix the past, present, and future.
You can't figure it out all at once. No one can.
:ghug3
I did email the bf but I said things that really needed said. I seem to only be able to communicate hard things when I'm in pain... Or, the old Kendra would just RUN away from the feelings and whatever I presived were the Cause of MY feelings...
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
I did email the bf but I said things that really needed said.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by KendraOH
Do any of you have to communicate through email or letters because you just can't do it in person or over the phone? What the heck is wrong with me??
Wish I could answer your question - I ask myself the same thing. Probably people further along can answer. Looking at you, me and others posting it seems like being hypercritical and self aware is one of the signs of acoa but being hypercritical and self aware makes me think I'm making something out of nothing. Catch 22! :ghug3
I'll admit the bunny smilies made me think this - it seems like there're a lot of things to juggle at this point!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Originally Posted by hiding
Looking at you, me and others posting it seems like being hypercritical and self aware is one of the signs of acoa but being hypercritical and self aware makes me think I'm making something out of nothing. Catch 22! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by hiding
it seems like being hypercritical and self aware is one of the signs of acoa but being hypercritical and self aware makes me think I'm making something out of nothing. Catch 22!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
