Feeling Broken
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Fullerton, CA
Posts: 3
Feeling Broken
When I was a child my father was superman! He could do anything. He could do no wrong. Now my father has managed to loose everything; his job, home, license, his credit, wife and now me. When I reached the age to see my fathers true colors and understand them, it was as though a blindfold had been dropped and replaced with a heavy weight that I have been carrying for the past 10 years. Most recently, my father returned from a rehab and came to live with me. My mother and brothers thought I was crazy for doing this. They have no faith in him. I on the other hand wanted to believe. I wanted to give him the opportunity and at the same time change with him. I prepared my home by eliminating any alcohol and or anything that might tempt him. I welcomed him with a great dinner and expressed to him my joy and support. Its been three weeks and I thought he was doing great until I got a dreaded phone call. My mom called me at work to tell me that she found him walking down the street. She offered him a ride and when he stepped into the car, he reeked of alcohol. Unfortunately, she added, this was not the first time. She said she caught him twice before, but that the third strike was final for her and she decided to come forward. She didn't want to be the one to disappoint me. My father is 55. I have two older brothers who have moved on with their lives and washed their hands of him. My mother, although still married to him, has pretty much lost her faith, has fallen out of love and wants nothing. I wanted to believe. I wanted to give him the chance. I forgave all the past and looked forward to a new beginning. Now I feel used and broken. There is so much more behind the pain I am feeling, but I am sure there is no need to write it out as you all must understand it already. I sit here at work thinking of what to do and what to say to him when I get home. Parts of me wants to be mad, but the majority of me feels too broken to fight. When do I give up? Is it even an option? How did I end up with this, but yet my mother and brothers let go? Im sooo tired and soooo very weak. I am only 24...............
Last edited by searchin4peace; 04-07-2009 at 05:29 PM. Reason: grammar
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 4,044
When I first read your post, my heart went out to you but I had no answers. I still don't know how your question but I came upon this thread which may help. In the meantime you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Please read: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...p-helping.html
Please read: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...p-helping.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome! I hope you keep reading and posting. This place can be be wonderfully helpful and full of support.
You give up when you are ready to accept that your father is an adult making adult choices and that he has the right to live his life as he sees fit even though you (and others) can see that his choices are not good ones.
You give up when you accept that nothing you do will change him.
You give up when you accept that he is an alcoholic and that for him nothing is as important as getting that next drink. Not you. No person anywhere.
You give up when you are ready to accept that your life is yours and that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.
This is not your fault. It is not yours to deal with. You are so young to be trying to take on your father's problems. And they are his problems not yours.
You might want to try going to AlAnon. Many in here have found it to be a lifesaver.
Originally Posted by searchin4peace 
Parts of me wants to be mad, but the majority of me feels too broken to fight. When do I give up? Is it even an option? How did I end up with this, but yet my mother and brothers let go? Im sooo tired and soooo very weak. I am only 24...............
You give up when you accept that nothing you do will change him.
You give up when you accept that he is an alcoholic and that for him nothing is as important as getting that next drink. Not you. No person anywhere.
You give up when you are ready to accept that your life is yours and that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.
This is not your fault. It is not yours to deal with. You are so young to be trying to take on your father's problems. And they are his problems not yours.
You might want to try going to AlAnon. Many in here have found it to be a lifesaver.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
When I told my partner to leave, I did not fight and I was not "giving up" in any real sense.
I did not fight because, even though she wanted to and tried to, all I did was say my piece and then walk away. It takes 2 to fight. If you don't participate in the fight, there will be no fight.
And I wasn't giving up either. What I was doing was accepting the reality that I could not help her or save her and that my trying to do so was actually only prolonging the pain for both of us. I let her go in full faith and knowledge that she has a Higher Power who would and could help her if/when ever she decided to avail herself of that help. I loved her and I prayed for her and I wished the best for her -- I simply declined to have her pain and insanity in my life.
After my partner got back into recovery and we started seeing each other again, she asked me once if the reason I had broken-up with her was because I didn't love her as much as other people who stay involved with their alcoholics love their alcoholics. What I told her was:
It didn't have anything to do with how much I love you; it had to do with how much I love myself. And with the fact that the only person whose life and happiness I have control over and responsibility for is myself.
How much do you love yourself? What are you going to do to fulfill your responsibility for your own happiness?
freya
I did not fight because, even though she wanted to and tried to, all I did was say my piece and then walk away. It takes 2 to fight. If you don't participate in the fight, there will be no fight.
And I wasn't giving up either. What I was doing was accepting the reality that I could not help her or save her and that my trying to do so was actually only prolonging the pain for both of us. I let her go in full faith and knowledge that she has a Higher Power who would and could help her if/when ever she decided to avail herself of that help. I loved her and I prayed for her and I wished the best for her -- I simply declined to have her pain and insanity in my life.
After my partner got back into recovery and we started seeing each other again, she asked me once if the reason I had broken-up with her was because I didn't love her as much as other people who stay involved with their alcoholics love their alcoholics. What I told her was:
It didn't have anything to do with how much I love you; it had to do with how much I love myself. And with the fact that the only person whose life and happiness I have control over and responsibility for is myself.
How much do you love yourself? What are you going to do to fulfill your responsibility for your own happiness?
freya
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Searchin, I'm so glad you found us, even if it WAS under these sad circumstances.
There is a wealth of support here, and I'd encourage you to use it as much as you can. Please take some time and read through the "Sticky" posts at the very top of the forum, especially the section called Classic Reading. Also, if you have Al-Anon meetings near you, I can tell you that I found them absolutely priceless. I know about the hundred-pound weight on your shoulders....and it was there I felt it lifting for the first time. They helped cut through the sadness and darkness in my mind, and see my choices clearly. Do you have that option?
So the first step is to really, deeply educate yourself about alcoholism and its many ugly faces. The second is to build a support group around you to strengthen you for what lies ahead.
I can see in you a person who has taken it upon herself to "rescue" her father, no matter the cost to herself. This is a recipe for a life filled with stress, illness, and self-inflicted pain, and it will have absolutely no effect on whether he chooses sobriety or not. I hope that you will choose a different path.
There is a common saying here: You did not CAUSE your father's alcoholism, you can't CONTROL it, you can't CURE it. All you can do is decide whether you want to take a front row seat to his self-destruction, or save yourself and let him make his own choices, as sad as you may find them.
Coupled with that, you must really accept the fact that most of the time, letting an alcoholic TRULY hit bottom, where he/she has nowhere to go, no other options, is the only thing that leads them to recovery. Padding his fall may be preventing him from choosing the very thing you most want him to choose: true recovery.
Please stick around and take advantage of the community here. There are others far wiser than me who'll be along.
:ghug3
There is a wealth of support here, and I'd encourage you to use it as much as you can. Please take some time and read through the "Sticky" posts at the very top of the forum, especially the section called Classic Reading. Also, if you have Al-Anon meetings near you, I can tell you that I found them absolutely priceless. I know about the hundred-pound weight on your shoulders....and it was there I felt it lifting for the first time. They helped cut through the sadness and darkness in my mind, and see my choices clearly. Do you have that option?
So the first step is to really, deeply educate yourself about alcoholism and its many ugly faces. The second is to build a support group around you to strengthen you for what lies ahead.
I can see in you a person who has taken it upon herself to "rescue" her father, no matter the cost to herself. This is a recipe for a life filled with stress, illness, and self-inflicted pain, and it will have absolutely no effect on whether he chooses sobriety or not. I hope that you will choose a different path.
There is a common saying here: You did not CAUSE your father's alcoholism, you can't CONTROL it, you can't CURE it. All you can do is decide whether you want to take a front row seat to his self-destruction, or save yourself and let him make his own choices, as sad as you may find them.
Coupled with that, you must really accept the fact that most of the time, letting an alcoholic TRULY hit bottom, where he/she has nowhere to go, no other options, is the only thing that leads them to recovery. Padding his fall may be preventing him from choosing the very thing you most want him to choose: true recovery.
Please stick around and take advantage of the community here. There are others far wiser than me who'll be along.
:ghug3
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
searching4peace
Please remember
1 You WILL find peace.
2 The 3 Cs
you did not cause his problem
you cannot control how much or whether he drinks.
you cannot cure him, either.
I am glad you are here, this is a wonderful site. Please keep posting. ((Hugs))
Please remember
1 You WILL find peace.
2 The 3 Cs
you did not cause his problem
you cannot control how much or whether he drinks.
you cannot cure him, either.
I am glad you are here, this is a wonderful site. Please keep posting. ((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Once you are able to separate your own anger from the reality of addiction you will be able to love him and have compassion for him, though you may not be able to live with him.
Certainly enabling is not expressing love either.
Many big hugs
Certainly enabling is not expressing love either.
Many big hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi Searching,
I was just like your father and hated it when my family gave up on me. That was seven years ago. I found solace and comfort in the drink and cut all ties with my family. My new family became my drinking buddies from the bar. I'm fifty years old, not quite as old as your dad, but I now have a good relationship with my family, and am trying to learn how to live life sober. I just found this group in February, but am really trying to get my life on track. It takes time, but letting your father make his own bed and sleep in it, or wherever he has to sleep is what helps the most. You are not responsible for him, yes, he is your dad, but he is still responsible for himself. I know that I had to get my own life on track , my family could not do it for me. You cannot do it for him.
As they say, only the truth will set us free, and sometimes we have to be forced to face the truth.
I was just like your father and hated it when my family gave up on me. That was seven years ago. I found solace and comfort in the drink and cut all ties with my family. My new family became my drinking buddies from the bar. I'm fifty years old, not quite as old as your dad, but I now have a good relationship with my family, and am trying to learn how to live life sober. I just found this group in February, but am really trying to get my life on track. It takes time, but letting your father make his own bed and sleep in it, or wherever he has to sleep is what helps the most. You are not responsible for him, yes, he is your dad, but he is still responsible for himself. I know that I had to get my own life on track , my family could not do it for me. You cannot do it for him.
As they say, only the truth will set us free, and sometimes we have to be forced to face the truth.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
It helped me when I changed my thought process. I wasn't giving up on him - I was setting healthy boundaries and taking care of me. I realized that I could still love him but not live with him. I realized that each of us was a unique person, but together we were toxic. I realized that he was on a different path than I was. Not right, not wrong, just different. It was not my place to judge. It was only my job to make healthy choices for myself and my own life.
And when I put the focus back on myself, it was easier to let him go. That's called detaching with love...
There is a lot of good information on this site, and Al Anon might be helpful for you.
And when I put the focus back on myself, it was easier to let him go. That's called detaching with love...
There is a lot of good information on this site, and Al Anon might be helpful for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Fullerton, CA
Posts: 3
This morning I came to work wondering if anyone out there had read my plea for advice. To my surprise, you all came through with sincere and open hearts. I would like to thank you all for your support. I had no idea I would receive this much help.
After I posted this thread, I sat and waited for something in me to lead me home to face my father. At this point I knew being mad was not an option. I gathered my things and proceeded to walk out when a coworker of mine stopped me and asked if she could just give me a hug. I accepted and then I broke down. It felt so good to cry. I could not remember the last time I cried. I guess within the midst of all the turmoil I grew numb. As she comforted me, I realized I could feel again…..
While driving home, I witnessed the most beautiful sunset. In that moment I took a deep breath and asked that I be filled with the right words to speak to my father. Although many have given up on him, what keeps me around is that I know my “superman” is in there somewhere. I see it when he’s sober.
Before he returned from rehab, I spent several hours thinking of how this time would be different. I think that for several years I had been praying the wrong prayer. I kept asking for a change in him, but this time I realized that I needed to change me too. It was so hard me to understand why he couldn’t just STOP. It never sunk in that what he had was a real problem. Just like giving up fatty foods, soda, overspending…I never understood why he couldn’t just give it up. Now I’ve accepted that alcoholism is a very real problem that he is battling every day. I promised myself to give up casual drinking in my own life as way for him to see that he wasn’t alone.
I arrived at my house and found him sitting at the dinner table waiting for me. His words to me, “I know you’re going to chew me out.” I replied, “No”. I then leaned over and hugged him. I held him in my arms and told him I loved him. I told him that there are better things waiting for him for his life. Things that any amount of alcohol could never offer. I also let him know that at any given time he could have it all back. His life, family, prosperity, joy. I told him I knew it would take time, but I also made clear that time is of the essence. We held each other for a very long time. We cried together and I think for the first time he felt and saw my heart. We shared something that had once been lost. We then shared a nice dinner together and said goodnight.
I am not sure if I did right thing or if I reacted the right way. I do know that I love my dad. I acknowledge and accept his problem is not my fault. I know I cant fix him and I know I cant control him, but I don’t feel ready to give up on him. I do not want alcohol to win this battle.
Today is a new day. All your advice and the ability to have cried and let go has renewed my strength for today. I left a list of alcanon meetings close to my home posted on the fridge and a note telling him that I’d be willing to attend with him. I hope he will consider. The first meeting is today. Please keep your thoughts and prayers and I will keep you all posted.
Its funny to think that in a desperate plea for help, I googled “How to speak to an alcoholic” and this website came up. It was the best thing google has ever found for me!
After I posted this thread, I sat and waited for something in me to lead me home to face my father. At this point I knew being mad was not an option. I gathered my things and proceeded to walk out when a coworker of mine stopped me and asked if she could just give me a hug. I accepted and then I broke down. It felt so good to cry. I could not remember the last time I cried. I guess within the midst of all the turmoil I grew numb. As she comforted me, I realized I could feel again…..
While driving home, I witnessed the most beautiful sunset. In that moment I took a deep breath and asked that I be filled with the right words to speak to my father. Although many have given up on him, what keeps me around is that I know my “superman” is in there somewhere. I see it when he’s sober.
Before he returned from rehab, I spent several hours thinking of how this time would be different. I think that for several years I had been praying the wrong prayer. I kept asking for a change in him, but this time I realized that I needed to change me too. It was so hard me to understand why he couldn’t just STOP. It never sunk in that what he had was a real problem. Just like giving up fatty foods, soda, overspending…I never understood why he couldn’t just give it up. Now I’ve accepted that alcoholism is a very real problem that he is battling every day. I promised myself to give up casual drinking in my own life as way for him to see that he wasn’t alone.
I arrived at my house and found him sitting at the dinner table waiting for me. His words to me, “I know you’re going to chew me out.” I replied, “No”. I then leaned over and hugged him. I held him in my arms and told him I loved him. I told him that there are better things waiting for him for his life. Things that any amount of alcohol could never offer. I also let him know that at any given time he could have it all back. His life, family, prosperity, joy. I told him I knew it would take time, but I also made clear that time is of the essence. We held each other for a very long time. We cried together and I think for the first time he felt and saw my heart. We shared something that had once been lost. We then shared a nice dinner together and said goodnight.
I am not sure if I did right thing or if I reacted the right way. I do know that I love my dad. I acknowledge and accept his problem is not my fault. I know I cant fix him and I know I cant control him, but I don’t feel ready to give up on him. I do not want alcohol to win this battle.
Today is a new day. All your advice and the ability to have cried and let go has renewed my strength for today. I left a list of alcanon meetings close to my home posted on the fridge and a note telling him that I’d be willing to attend with him. I hope he will consider. The first meeting is today. Please keep your thoughts and prayers and I will keep you all posted.
Its funny to think that in a desperate plea for help, I googled “How to speak to an alcoholic” and this website came up. It was the best thing google has ever found for me!
Last edited by searchin4peace; 04-08-2009 at 09:36 AM.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi searching!!
I am so glad you were able to hug your father, and let his heart know you love him, man I am almost in tears here at work myself. I hope he will consider going to AA/ Al anon with you. Whatever he decides, I urge you to go yourself. You are very strong!! Please keep taking care of yourself.
You are not the only one that agrees that SR is the best corner in the Internet!!
I am so glad you were able to hug your father, and let his heart know you love him, man I am almost in tears here at work myself. I hope he will consider going to AA/ Al anon with you. Whatever he decides, I urge you to go yourself. You are very strong!! Please keep taking care of yourself.
You are not the only one that agrees that SR is the best corner in the Internet!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Fullerton, CA
Posts: 3
Hello yukonm,
I have been attending the meetings however, my father hasn't. Although he has yet to attend, I am sure he will come along. I have shared this website with my mom and a close friend of mine. Its amazing to see how this is able to help all of us. Good news is my father has a job interview tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed and pray for the best. I will definitely keep everyone posted. Every day my strength is renewed and I am very grateful for this site.
I have been attending the meetings however, my father hasn't. Although he has yet to attend, I am sure he will come along. I have shared this website with my mom and a close friend of mine. Its amazing to see how this is able to help all of us. Good news is my father has a job interview tomorrow. Please keep your fingers crossed and pray for the best. I will definitely keep everyone posted. Every day my strength is renewed and I am very grateful for this site.
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