GwenMarie30

Well this is kinda weird for me to post and its gonna get long I think.

I met a friend 3 years ago when I was in rehab. He became my best friend as we had so much in common. He was going thru the same things I was as he is a recovering addict to. We became great friends-best friends. But I had my life he had his. I have been involved in my relationship 14 years and Randy had no one. I became his world, he fell crazy in love with me. I should have seen this coming. I didnt. I just thought we were best friends. There has NEVER been anything sexual. He was there thru all the ups and downs, thru my problems with my relationship which were many and also thru y problems with my kids and problems with myself. He was never my sponsor but he was the closest person to me in almost 3 years. He understood me, what I was going thru, and he even was objectionable by telling me how it was, where I was screwing up, and the point of view from Paul's (my boyfriend) side of things. Paul and I have been thru alot of problems. 14 years of them but this drug addiction almost did us in.

Even thru my addiction I never cheated or entertained the thought. Nor have I ever. But Randy is really gonna drive the final wedge between us. Even tho I have been clean 3 years there is sometimes a trust issue between Paul and I. Addiction destroys alot of things.

Now that I am in recovery for 3 years thigs have been absolutely wonderful. My relationship is stronger than it has ever been in 14 years with Paul.

Now in the past year or so my relationship with my best friend Randy has taken a different spin where he has fallen in love with me. Ive known it but didnt want to see it. I didnt want to break that relationship. As Ive said Randy has been there for me when I thought I had no one else. I love him. But never in the way he wants or deserves.

Paul has seen the relationship as a threat from the beginning and he let it go. Until Randy started making inappropriate comments. Ive been honest with Paul. Now he wants Randy gone out of my life. He said that Randy is just laying in wait for something to go wrong and trying to come between me and him. And he is right. He wont tolerate the friendship anymore. I cant say that I blame him. I wouldnt stand for the things Randy has done or said either if the role was reversed. Its not right and its not healthy. Its become obsessive. It has really turned my affection away from Randy.

Two weeks ago was my snapping point. He seen the engagement ring on my hand and left in a huff. I get a text message that he hopes I have a nice life and he hopes Im happy now. I in return texted back that his friendship was fake and Im sick of how he has been doing. I told him to grow up, get a grip. And I also said in very clear and in certain words that our friendship is over and to never call or text me again. EVER.

I meant what I said. Well in the last 2 weeks he has called me twice and he has sent a handful of text messages acting like nothing is wrong. Finally he texted and asked "Did you really mean to never call or text you again?" Umm yeah I meant it. But I never replied to him. I just kept ignoring his calls or text. And the final straw was this weekend when I was on my way to my moms. I was coming down the road and Randy was coming towards me and he does a u-turn in front of me and drives in front of me i guess hoping that I would notice him. Gee how could I not when he uturns right in front of me? He was actually on his way to drive by my house. He does this often. Kinda creepy if you ask me. He doesnt stop. He just drives by. I dont get it. And I got the last text message yesterday. He said "Im sorry Gwen. I really do hope your happy."


OK. Now what? DO I just ignore this message like I have all the others? Or do I text him one last time and tell him to quit it. Do I be mean and nasty? I dont know if I have the heart to be mean after what we had in friendship. Or do I be all nice and hope for the best.

I really want to be done with my friendship with Randy. I dont want to cause any problems between Paul and I. Things are too good. The relationship between me and Randy has turned ugly to me. I feel like he is stalking in a way. I've been really uncomfortable around Randy for awhile now because I know how he feels about me. One day about 2 months ago he told me to my face that he would give me anything I wanted if only he could put a ring on my finger. EWWWW! I was floored. Just out of the blue. That was just really disgusting. Ive never given him reason to think anything would ever be. I just dont get him. What happened?

Im really sad that out friendship came to an end. But the more he keeps doing things like I said above is just really making me resent and hate him.

I really need some input from you all.

Sorry this was so long. I just needed to get this out.

Freedom1990

Let it go. Don't respond to him. If you engage, that just gives him more reason to keep contacting you in one way or another.

He'll eventually get tired of no response from you.

laurie6781

Gwen, we have talked a bit about this. Do not respond to his messages, please KEEP IT NO CONTACT.

He is turning into a stalker so please stay on your toes. He has become obsessed with you, maybe even transferring his 'addiction' to you. You cannot help him, Paul is correct in this instance, this man is just waiting for a 'crack in your relationship' with Paul so he can come and jump in (maybe in his mind The White Knight).

Keep it no contact please. It is very difficult to have a "Platonic" relationship with a male of our species. I know from personal experience.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

greeteachday

I agree...he will get tired of being ignored eventually. Action, not words, speak and you action of ignoring his contact, will, eventually speak to him.

Marlie

My daughter has had two bfs that have become obsessed when she broke off a relationship. A good friend of mine, who is a clinical psychologist said, don't respond to their attempts at communication. When you respond you just add fuel to their obsession. A response is what they want; don't give it.

Chino

You've been given the best piece of advice which is to ignore him.

I'd like to give you some more for future reference.

The only way men and women can be close platonic friends is when you both find something repugnant about the other, and it kills sexual desire. If there's nothing a guy finds repugnant about you, then he's eventually going to want you.

When I was younger I used to always get mad when guy friends started lusting. I'd tell them it's not going to happen but would still maintain the friendship. That's called having your cake and eating it, too. It's dangling a carrot. It's a cat taunting a dog tied up on chain. It doesn't matter what your intentions are, they are men.

I have one close platonic guy friend and have known him longer than my husband. I'm married for 25 years now. My friend and I have zero attraction to each other, have never been attracted to each other, and it's the only way it works.

He's the one who gave me the friendly heads up that I've shared with you, when I went crying to him about guy friends changing their feelings.

When I saw the movie Silence of the Lambs, this scene made me think about all the times I tried to maintain a friendship with someone I knew wanted more:

When I shared this with my daughter, it scared the crap out of her, as it should. I think it's one of the reasons 13 stepping is so common in the rooms.

justanothrdrunk

The above, well... is sort of disturbing to me.

I've been married nearly 15 years (15th at the end of May). No infidelity on either side. I have a few close women friends of whom I find nothing repugnant and there seems to be no trouble.

I don't have any experience with anything like this, on the receiving end or the giving end. But the advice you've been given so far (no contact) seems sound from this male's perspective.

When it comes to platonic relationships with the opposite sex and any sexual desire, I've had my problems with this from time to time sure, but to generalize in this way, "the ONLY way" seems extreme to me. I can only assume that's based on one's personal experience because that sure isn't true for me.

I have lots of desires, many of which I don't act on. There a lots of times where I desire to tell off my boss, but I don't. And I don't let it effect our relationship (working relationship).

I do have platonic women friends whom I find attractive, and not just in the physical sense. I don't know that it's accurtate to say there's any lust there. Nor do I really know if my subtle feelings of attraction are on my end alone or not. But this is irrelevant to the relationship. I don't act on my attraction. I don't tell the woman I'm attracted to her in any way.

Anyway, I'm rambling now and getting off topic. Like I said, I have no experience. But from a male perspective, I agree with the no contact strategy.

Chino

I should have been more specific. If either gender is going to be close to the other, in physical proximity and emotional intimacy, and remain platonic friends without sexual attraction (lust) becoming an issue, there has to be something that turns them off (repugnant in a biochemical/personality way).

When I brought this up with my therapist, he agreed. It's why gay men and women can be emotionally intimate and physically close without the hassles.

If there's any physical attraction involved in an emotionally intimate relationship, it will eventually turn to lust if too much time is spent together. Whether either party acts on it isn't the point. It's there and the relationship has changed at that point.

My friend and I are emotionally intimate and he isn't gay. We aren't in close proximity and haven't been since I moved away 23 years ago. He isn't attractive to me in a physical way and vice versa. Never have been. There are enough differences in our personalities that we annoy each other after several hours of close proximity.

GwenMarie30

I think I have made the decision to just not respond. At least until another attempt is made by driving by my house(I live in a very secluded area) or if he continues to call I will change my number(again). He got my number from my oldest daughter. She gave it without thinking of the reason why I changed it I guess. ANyway I just hope he goes away anymore. I feel no friendship anymore. I do miss the friendship from a long time ago when it was normal but hey I dont need that from an outside source unless its from my girlfriends. I wont rule out being close to the guys but I just wont let them in like I did before. If he cant hang out with me and my boyfriend he can take a hike. I have lots of friends. I will miss Randy. I'd be ungrateful if I didnt. We had fun. But people come and go in your life and I choose to keep healthy relationships now, not toxic or creepy. Thanks for the input here.

Chino

It's no fun having a friendship dissolve like that and it sure hurts sometimes. I had to learn to step away when a guy friend wouldn't, if I hoped for any balance in my own world. It took too much out of me and occupied way too much space in my brain.